I'm super tired and barely functioning. I'm home now, and Angus has left to take his two extremely tired kids to their final flight home. I'll crawl back on the couch and pass out in a sec, but first an update.

You know how I'm one of those high-powered, super-sonic worriers when it comes to holidays and flights and such? I like everything to be beyond ready, I like to be at the airport fucking eons before the flight, I like everything to be nailed down tight? Imagine what happens when it all goes wrong.

Which is exactly what happened last Monday.

It went wrong in every way something could go wrong.

Seriously.

It started with us screaming to the airport, running late to catch our flight to Miami from Montreal, where we'd then connect to Jamaica. The security queues were endless. We got trapped in an immigration line with a man who wrote slower than a Slug Tag Team. We barely caught our flight.

I tried to calm down.

I ate Tums.

We got to Miami and it really went downhill.

Melissa only had her Swedish passport on her, as her English passport is being renewed (and anyway her English passport isn't machine readable, a requirement to enter the USA). I checked the Jamaican visa requirements when we booked the flights, and we were all green.

Then Jamaica went and hosted a Cricket Tournament.

And a cricket coach was murdered.

Suddenly, Swedes needed visas to enter Jamaica. Because, you know, the Swedes, they have a real reputation for danger. They are wild, my friend, especially if it involves cricket-a sport they don't even play there.

For being a neutral Scandinavian country, they're rewarded by needing visas to enter Jamaica for the months of March-May this year. Said visa could only be gotten from Jamaican consulates. Which-as it was Easter Monday-were closed, and it takes them 24-72 hours to process them anyway.

I asked an American Airlines woman for assistance. She blew me off. I asked for her supervisor. He blew me off in an even more spectacular fashion, it was more of a "really, can't you go crawl in a hole somwhere in the airport and die?" blowoff than a regular blowoff. In a fit of rage, and in a totally uncharacteristic move for me, I shouted after him if there was actually anyone who really knew how to do their jobs who could help me.

We decided to book a last minute flight to somewhere warm. We paid an extortionate sum of money to American Airlines for a hotel and flight and wound up going to Cancun instead. I told the American Airlines guy I'd be contacting American Airlines about his behavior. I thought I'd won that round.

American Airlines, instead, thoughtfully had us chosen to be specially security searched as a "security risk". We got singled out, embarrassed, and held in a little glass box in the middle of a hugely congested screening area before we were screened with a fine tooth comb (which luckily didn't include rubber gloves). Angus was livid. The kids were confused. I was ready to come home.

I'm so grateful to American Airlines that I hope they rot in hell.

We got on the plane.

Once on the plane, I realized my beautiful and amazing Irish bracelet Angus had bought me had fallen off somewhere in transit and was gone.

When we arrived in Cancun, the security screeners there pulled us to the side. They were very kind and polite, and we braced ourselves to be searched again. They didn't want to screen us, it turns out, they just wanted to kindly let us know-a bottle of wine had broken in one of our suitcases, and soaked most of the contents inside. When we opened the suitcase in the airport it smelled like Boozy McWino had taken up residence in our clothing.

Greaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat.

And when we finally got to the hotel-a surprisingly posh one, thanks to Expedia-they informed us we didn't have adjoining rooms after all (as we had booked), but for another $120 a night they could upgrade us to a two bedroom suite. I battled with them, and they went down to $60 a night. In the end, we wearily agreed-it was have the kids stay on the other side of the hotel (not an option) or have the adults split up to stay with one kid on the other side of the hotel (also not an option). Rock? Meet Cancun place. The room they gave us was indeed nice, although I'm not too happy we were held for ransom like that.

Melissa took diving courses, Angus stayed with her as much as possible, and Jeff and I spent the next three days in the pool. This would be idyllic, only there was a hidden problem we would later learn about - "what lies beneath" is more than just a scary movie title.

Both Angus and his son came down with flaming ear infections, apparently (according to the doctor, anyway) from the Mexican hotel pool (and this was a really posh upscale resort, too! Who saw that coming?) When we made it to Key West over the weekend, it was another $400 in a doctor visit and antibiotics for them, and both of them are still in agony.

They were not alone in their discomfort-Melissa came down with an outbreak of Herpes Simplex A on her face (NOT the kind related to sexually transmitted disease, this is the viral kind related to exposure of chicken pox. Still, not something that one is necessarily proud of). That's right. Melissa has the hand herpes...but on her face. Luckily, she too has an ointment that seems to be clearing it right up.

I seem to not have come down with anything (besides a day of seasickness when I accompanied Melissa on her diving boat. I didn't dive as she was doing her exam dives, but I did snorkel, which I only did up until the waves started, then I was flat on my back for the duration of the day, puking my guts up.) I'm told my face was an interesting color for the remainder of the day.

As a family, we didn't even get to spend a single day together in Cancun. We booked a day trip with the local Expedia office to Cozumel, where we were told we'd be together all day, but we weren't. Jeff and I went snorkelling while Angus and Melissa went diving (Melissa flexing her successful PADI dive card for the first time), and we didn't see them all day as they put us on different boats. Don't get me wrong, by this time Jeff and I had bonded so well we were like two peas in a pod, but I was actually missing Angus by that point. When I went back to the Expedia office to complain about what had happened, I was told that "I clearly misunderstood."

That'll be letter number 2 going off to management then.

Besides the face herpes, the oozing ears, and the overwhelming cost of Cancun (a big perk in Cancun is I can highly recommend the Argentinian restaurant Puerto Madero, which is one of the best meals we've ever had), the real kick in the face happened with Alamo Rental Cars in the U.S. Upon landing in Miami I went to the rental car shuttle to tell them that we were coming, could they wait thirty seconds for us to board? I had my body half in/half out of the bus while asking this question, and the bus driver simply shouted "We're full!" at my question. Then he shut the door on me.

He shut the door on me.

With me halfway in the bus.

I had to push myself out of the closed doors.

And then I went mental. I was so full of rage I couldn't even speak. The weird thing is, in the Good Cop-Bad Cop scenario, Angus is always the Bad Cop and I'm the Good Cop. Always. But not this time. Angus tried to tell me this was a minor inconvenience, but all I saw was red. I went from Bad Cop to Ballistic Cop with a speed that startled even me.

And in the Alamo office, I exploded. I even used words like "assault", "police", and "lawsuit", and I NEVER use those words because I NEVER sue. It got us a car upgrade, anyway, from a Ford Piece of Shit to a Chevy Impala Piece of Shit (seriously, who drives these cars? Who?) but I didn't calm down for a long time.

Cue angry letter number 3.

I can say this-Key West was extraordinary. The people were very kind, the place relaxing, the setting lovely. I want to live there. Gorby would be in heaven. On Sunday we had a terrific thunderstorm and I loved it. We had key lime pie (obligatory). We went to the Southernmost Point (also obligatory, but what the fuck is up with those creepy plastic people?) We took it easy.

Unfortunately we had very little time in Miami and we only saw Old Navy and Target, no other shopping got to be done. We didn't see anything of Miami this time, but I can confirm this-no more hotels on Miami Beach for us, mostly because I like my sleep to not be interrupted at 4 am by abusive drunken revellers.

I'm getting old like that.

We made it home on the flight from hell, leaving last night and arriving at Oh God Hundred this morning. I say flight from hell because the American woman in front of me threw her seat back all the way down from the moment the plane took off, and didn't raise it again, except to have periodic bursts where she'd lift up her seat back and then slam it back down as hard as she could, nearly always catching my knee in the process.

We fully expected to have come home and found the house burned down, burgled, and Gorby dead, but none of those seem to have happened, despite us apparently not only forgetting to lock the door on Sunday when we left, it appears we forgot to even close the door at all. A neighbor who we asked to check in on the place found the front door wide open on Tuesday, two days after we left. She kindly locked up the place for us.

Living in the country has its advantages.

So we're home. Overall we had a good time, but I think it was far from relaxing. I miss the kids. I miss the sun.

I never knew the house could be so calming.

-H.

PS-will try to upload Flickr pics tomorrow. For now? Bedtime.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 12:50 PM | Comments (16) | Add Comment
Post contains 1823 words, total size 10 kb.

1 Oh dear god, you need a holiday from your holiday!! I thought my weekend away to Barcelona started off bad when the clutch went halfway to the airport! I sincerely hope you get some satisfaction from the airline \ hotel \ rental car company!!

Posted by: Elisa at April 18, 2007 01:49 PM (6/XCd)

2 Blimey!! You really have had a nightmare 10 days! Hope you and Angus get some comeback from the various companies and now just get some sleep! I know what it's like when the person in front of you puts their seat back without a thought for the person behind. Coming home from Vancouver in Janaury, my 6'3" husband had his knees knocked so many times, he had huge bruises!! Sleep well Helen, looking forward to your pictures.

Posted by: Suzie at April 18, 2007 02:13 PM (YqqaU)

3 Oh, you poor people! What a crappy vacation. Those are the ones that make coming home (being home) such a relief. I, too, hope you get some payback from those companies. That's awful... and, on top, to lose your beautiful bracelet. Dang. Get some rest... we're glad you're home.

Posted by: sue at April 18, 2007 02:52 PM (WbfZD)

4 Everyone has had one of those annoying seat recliner people in front of them at one point, so I don't understand why people do that! If I tip my seat back at all, it's a small incline. Of course, I sleep in my car most days at lunch, so I'm used to a slight incline. Sorry your trip was so chaotic. Sleep well.

Posted by: amy t. at April 18, 2007 03:25 PM (3dOTd)

5 Ya know, I don't think I have ever taken a 'relaxing' vacation in my life. Isn't that sad? Sorry to hear of all the troubles, and I am glad you went ballistic-all that frustration had to go somewhere, and who better then a car rental guy you will never see again. I am looking forward to the pics though. Glad you all made it home safe, and hopefully a little package will be on your doorstep soon that might put a little bounce in your step. ;-)

Posted by: Teresa at April 18, 2007 03:40 PM (0Slh2)

6 Oh Helen! I'm so sorry. And I can totally relate; we took what was supposed to be a little getaway to Coronado last year. Because my first name was simply misspelled, I had to go through the special security and the booth and all that too. Our Alamo car was rammed into from behind on the first day there and I had whiplash for the rest of the trip. On our last day, I finally felt able to go to the beach for a picnic and watch the sun go down (believe it or not, I've never done that before) but the fog came in so thick there was no visibility. You couldn't even see the BEACH! We picnicked in our room instead. The same room I'd been pretty much marooned in because of my neck and back pain. Fun fun fun. I've never been so happy to get home in all my life. Home sweet home; nothing like it. WELCOME HOME!

Posted by: The other Amber at April 18, 2007 03:49 PM (zQE5D)

7 I read somewhere that only the truly rich and the truly poor ever enjoy a vacation. The rich because they can pay whatever it takes to make sure they have everything they want/need and the poor because it doesn't take much to be a temporary upgrade from their everyday lives. Welcome home.

Posted by: Stephen Macklin at April 18, 2007 05:45 PM (UquFN)

8 Wish I'd read this before I booked our flight on American. Then again, I expect them to fuck everything up, so all they can do is exceed my expectations. Alamo is another company that has fucked me over enough times that I will never under any circumstances use them. On the upside, the trip was memorable, right?

Posted by: ~Easy at April 18, 2007 06:26 PM (G5FSP)

9 Impala. Oh, yes, that was the car that decided us that American designers had no concept of usable design or ergonomics. Bleagh. (Our Ford is fairly well-designed, but it was, in fact, designed by Volvo designers, so Americans get no points from that.) As for the rest— how hard is it to display a little sympathy? Really, you may not be able to do anything about a problem, but even trying wins brownie points. Which are essential if you want repeat customers. You know, those people who give you MORE money... I don't understand why people don't study customer service. Repeat customers are easier than new ones.

Posted by: B. Durbin at April 18, 2007 07:00 PM (tie24)

10 I tend to like being spontaneous with vacations. Just plan the basics (flight, car, accomodations) and play the rest by ear. I reserve being anal and punctual for those three items, the rest I'm pretty easy about. Sounds like your experience went way beyond spontaneous into flat-out chaotic. I too probably would have been ripping someone's lungs out. BTW you're not the only one I've heard complain about AA's crappy customer service. They seem to do most things right, but when they go wrong they tend to have a "who gives a fuck about you?" attitude. Go ahead and send them a complaint but be prepared to be blown off, I've heard bad stories about them. Think in the future I'll avoid American myself. Being in Atlanta I tend to prefer Delta (AirTran has proven itself a worthy option for domestic flights as well). I've also had good luck with Southwest, when I lived on the west coast. Welcome home Helen. Happy to hear that despite your troubles, you still were able to enjoy at least some of your vacation.

Posted by: diamond dave at April 18, 2007 08:31 PM (HKv2T)

11 I'm so glad you're home. I missed you so much. I'm sorry that you had to go through 7 circles of hell to go on vacation though. American Airlines can suck my left tit.

Posted by: statia at April 18, 2007 11:19 PM (KcrOI)

12 We missed you. Sorry you had such an awful time away. I think years from now, you will be able to laugh at the horror of it all. Many, many years from now.

Posted by: kenju at April 18, 2007 11:42 PM (DBvE5)

13 If I could type better I would rage right along with you, but welcome home will have to suffice.

Posted by: Donna at April 19, 2007 06:39 AM (lQSbL)

14 I know you probably did, but just in case, call the airport and ask for the lost and found, you never know about your bracelet. And crappy vacations, yeah, we went through hurricane wilma in cancun. How is cozumel looking? They got the worst of it, and I read that the reefs were trashed. You now need a vacation from the vacation.

Posted by: Donna at April 19, 2007 03:17 PM (Sm/Mu)

15 Oh, and maybe it's because the police package is different, but I really like the '02 Impala I've been driving. *shrugs*

Posted by: ~Easy at April 19, 2007 05:27 PM (jm+bg)

16 Hi Helen, What a nightmare ! Sorry to hear your trip was so bad. Maybe you can book a return visit to Jamaica another time, especially now that Melissa has her dive certificate. There is a free website http://www.howtocomplain.com/ which has the standard forms to use for a lot of different organisations including AA. Why not try that, they also list who to address the complaints to. I had similar service levels (i.e. known) on my recent trip by AA between Dallas and Atlanta, plus the benefits of purchasing sandwiches or drinks for $5 each. Best wishes that everyone recovers from their illnesses and looks forward to the next holiday. Some locals I meet said to stick to the North side of the island and avoid Kingston. The two places suggested the most were Mo'Bay and Negril. Look forward to your regular updates Robin

Posted by: robin h at April 23, 2007 06:34 PM (MDKpX)

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