When I was a little girl, I wanted to be a lawyer. Not a ballerina, not a teacher, not any other stereotypical little girl dream. I wanted to be a lawyer and the more pernicious the better. Perhaps I was already armed with an argumentative nature and the desire to ground people's dreams into dust, or perhaps I had romanticized the profession into that which was reflected by the skinny Minnie Ally McBeal. Whatever the motivation, that's what I wanted.

When I was a teenager that goal shifted. I used to work in hospitals for two days a week on various rotations, and one of those rotations opened my eyes and showed me what it was I really wanted to be. It was on a rotation in a Dallas hospital, sunlight streaming in the windows and the distracting smell of disinfectant only marginally beaten by the sound of beeping and screaming machines. It was when I slid gloves on and reached into an isolette, cupping the head of a newborn that was no larger than a tennis ball, that I knew I wanted to be an NICU doctor.

When I went to college that goal shifted again. I made it two whole years on a pre-med plan, until the day came that I had to take a pre-requisite social sciences course and I learned I could attend anthropology class in boxer shorts and excel at a course I barely had to study at. No longer would I beat my head on my desk over the biochem classes and their wispy equations I could barely hold on to. This anthropology stuff, it was a breeze, and it allowed me to cultivate hopes that I could someday be a writer.

When I look back on it all, I can't really figure out how I got from there to here. No child looks up with beaming and expectant eyes and answers that timeless question of "What do you want to be when you grow up?" with the response "A project manager in telecom!" If they do answer that, some socialization is in store for them, as no one in their right mind would want to do this stuff. Sure, the pay isn't bad. Yes, I get perks such as phones that are on the cutting edge (most of them prototypes) and I got to travel the world, and that's something I don't take for granted at all. But the work itself is...well...just work.

I try to explain what it is I do to people who ask. No I don't make telephones. No I can't help you settle your bill. I run engineering projects that create things, generally things you can't see or touch. Just things.

I thought about what it would be like if I got called to a Career Day at a local school, dragged in by Nick or Nora.

"OK class, let's say hello to Nick and Nora's mum Helen. Helen is going to tell us what she does for a living. Helen? You ready?"

"Right," I would stride to the front of a class, recently vacated by Janie's dad the Fireman, and Henry's Mum the Dog Trainer. I had no idea how I would compete with a 6 foot long fire hose or a dancing spaniel, but I would give it a shot. Nick and Nora would be staring at me, their eyes shining. I would be in a business suit and high heels, not daring to turn up in my usual dress when I work from home, which generally is an old T-shirt and pajama bottoms.

"Hi class, I'm Helen. And I am a project manager in telecommunications. Does anyone know what that is? Yes? The little girl in the back? What's your name? Tammy? No? Your name is Tommy? You're a boy? Kid, seriously, cut your hair. What's your question? Can I get you a new mobile phone? No Tommy. I can't do that. Anyone else? You, the girl with the tragic dentistry? No I don't do ring tones." I sigh. "I manage teams that make your mobile phone work better. It's nothing that you can see. I manage people that manage whirring boxes. We don't do anything you can touch, exactly. I just..." I trail off, catching sight of Nick and Nora hiding their heads under their desks.

When I lived in Sweden I once spoke to an audience of thousands. I strode across a massive stage in boots I'd purchased in Barcelona that were designed to give off the impression that "You? You don't fuck with me, not ever." (that, and they were great to wear in the snow as I never got cold). I rocked that presentation, even getting an award for best speaker. My job at the time was managing a massive team, and I was partly responsible for managing one of the more high-profile products in that company. It was the project that was a resume's wet dream, my CV sparkled under its weight. I was made. I was on fire and ready to work my way to CEO. My career was my everything and nothing could get in my way, not after that project. That was the stuff that career dreams were made of.

Then I lost my job.

And now it's all just another line on my CV.

I find myself back at work now, and I look back on everything I've done with a degree of disassociation, and not the mental kind. It just was. It all just happened. I've had a glittering career with Dream Job the past four years and won numerous awards and bonuses (our bed and couches come from such awards, and you can't say fairer than that) but you're only as good as your latest project. Currently there's nothing up on offer, technical projects are like the metaphorical trains - you wait forever for one and then a load come along all at once.

I'm not stressed about it. In fact, I rather prefer it. When I returned to work my boss told me that there was no specific project he wanted me to lead just now, but there's a raft of research and technical documentation we need and would I tackle that? In truth, I would rather do that, by far. I am writing papers right and left. I look back on notes I took two years ago and marvel at the self-assurance that woman had, the complete control and sense of no-nonsense that permeates every page.

And the truth is I would be happy and content to remain in the sidelines for good, writing documents that make other people's projects fly. I'm not bothered about leading a project anymore. Honestly? I don't know if I can do it. I look back on that woman in her Barcelona boots and I don't know that I can do it now. Too much has happened, too much of me has changed. Even a year ago I was leading technical projects. I have a reputation as someone who doesn't suffer fools, whether gladly or not, and if you come unprepared or run late I will eat you for dinner. My former team apparently regard me with equal parts loyalty and certainty that I will tear people apart if they dick me around. People seem to think that I am still set to take over whole departments, that I will lead the world.

But the truth is, I won't. I can't. I don't want to. I feel like I don't remember how to lead, and in not remembering I'm surrendering my baton and letting someone else run the relay. I feel like I'm letting someone down by not grabbing the brass ring, but the brass is too cold, the ring too heavy. I'm not going to run departments and I don't even want to. Once I used to believe the work I did was important and relevant, but now? What's the point? None of this is important. In an obituary it wouldn't even make sense to most people, in a summary of my life it would elicit frowns of incomprehension. It's pointless, all of it. I make phones work better. Big fucking deal, really. Pass the bread.

I'm not so egotistical as to think I'm alone in this - I'm sure a lot of people look at their jobs and wonder what contribution they really make to society. I bet a lot of people are as unexcited about their career path as I am. I wish it hadn't been so cool to wear boxers to class, I wish I could've knuckled down and tried harder at the biochem. I would've loved to be a NICU doctor, and I think I would've been a good one. But I also know the truth - I was working so many jobs to put myself through school (unlike my sister, who got the whole deal for free. I'm not bitter or anything.) that I couldn't have tried any harder than I already was trying. That ship has sailed - I'm too old to go back to school to try again and we couldn't hack the loss of my income for me to try it. I fell into telecom and it's good enough. It pays the bills and that's the important thing. It'll do me. I write my papers and will, at some point, have to lead another team and hope that I get the tiger back who knows how to lead. The bite is gone in me. I'm back to work and large parts of me are glad I'm back to work.

I just wish what I did mattered more to anyone, most of all myself.

-H.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 09:35 AM | Comments (16) | Add Comment
Post contains 1623 words, total size 9 kb.

1 What you do, well- you do it for your living. Maybe sometimes this will be the only thing you do it for, but that's important enough, at least it has to be. Having a job that "matters" in a more global sense, or touches the life of others in a significant way often includes an amount of dedication that you can't keep up for long years to come, let alone with children. But every hour you spend with Nick and Nora is time that actually matters for them. And touches their life. In more ways than software for their mobiles ever will, I'm sure :-)

Posted by: lily at March 19, 2008 12:02 PM (Y8m4l)

2 Sidelines and a paycheck work for me too. Just this year, at 44 years old, I am comfortable admitting that I have no career aspirations. I just want a job that does not drive me batshitcrazy and I want a paycheck that allows me to live comfortably. Finally I have it. When people ask me what I do for a living, I tell the truth: I teach people in convenience stores how to fry chicken.

Posted by: Stella at March 19, 2008 12:38 PM (sFS+Z)

3 I can identify with this post, almost word for word. I was also an anthropology major. I wanted to get out of college in 4 years, and that was the one way to do it at the time. Its only a few years later, but I'm an administrative assistant. That is what I am, and I don't have much ambition to do more. I might someday, but to me, work has always just been work. Its something I do to make money. To me, family is the most important thing in the world. Most jobs are utterly useless, you never really accomplish anything worthwhile. But raising your children, making them smile, caring for them day in and day out - that means everything. I know that the last thing I want to think about before I die is my family - my future children, my future husband, my parents - I want them to be the last picture in my mind before the lights go out. You're not alone in this

Posted by: Heather at March 19, 2008 12:49 PM (s0rhn)

4 When Angel1 was born, I was working on a Masters in Computer Science. That fell by the wayside; Comp Sci is a time demanding major. I realized what's REALLY important is time with family. My profession (which I like a lot) is what I do to pay the bills. My God and family are what I'm living for. They're what's important. Making phones better is good though. If your car breaks down in the middle of the night in the middle of nowhere, if your water breaks while you're away from your husband, if the school bus just left school and you're not on it, or a thousand other serious situations occur, you WANT a cell phone that's reliable and works better than they did 10 years ago. Even though what you do may impact millions of people for the better, your family is still what's most important. I believe that's how it should be.

Posted by: Solomon at March 19, 2008 01:16 PM (al5Ou)

5 What you "do" is mother two beautiful children. And that matters a lot -- to you, your husband, your children, your neighbors. I did that whole science career thing (granted it was puppies and kittens, not human infants, but hey), and I still wound up giving it up. Somehow its importance changed for me. Its hard to let go of that part of yourself, to not let that change feel like a failure in some way. But I really believe this life is the one I'm meant to lead. And no one can ever take away those years you were the leader.

Posted by: Waiting Amy at March 19, 2008 01:49 PM (ecQ9f)

6 You do not live to work, you work to live. What you do funds the life you live and THAT is what matters.

Posted by: Ms. Pants at March 19, 2008 02:07 PM (+p4Zf)

7 Dude - I'm SO there with you. Not only do we share the same job (Hi! PM of research!) but we're also experiencing it at the same time. If I wouldn't have had my beautiful baby girl last July - I'd be in India this very moment overseeing quantitative research for the week. But I"m not, and some other go-getter is, and that is so very very fine with me, because I get to go home and get baby kisses. The chick in India? She gets to drink bottles of wine while answering emails in the middle of the night and trying to avoid the monkeys.

Posted by: Suz at March 19, 2008 02:49 PM (GhfSh)

8 I became a lawyer because I finished my MBA and had no idea what the hell to do with myself. So antoher three years of school sounded good. I work in a "big" firm, churning out billable hours (I've been up since 4 working for the last two days) and I get paid gobs of money that I know I don't realistically deserve. I've singlehandedly negotiate contracts nearing a billion dollars - and have about two years before I become partner. And it saps my soul. In reality, I take away health and pension benefits from working families and design ways for CEOs to circumvent the tax laws with their enormous salaries. As I feel my son moving in my belly, I am struck with the realization that I don't want to live to work anymore. I want my life to be about him - about my husband. About my photography, my friends, travel, my home and my two crazy cats. The daughter of a 28+ year factory worker and an unemployed mom, I feel like I'm giving up the opportunities they didn't have. That I'm failing women as a group by saying "fuck it. not worth it" But Sarah basically summed it up - I don't want to live to work anymore, I want to work to live. I want to be remembered for more than my career. (er, sorry. Damn that was long).

Posted by: April at March 19, 2008 03:17 PM (428Y9)

9 I guess I am lucky. I don't make much money, but I do have a job that I love. Plus, I know I've made a difference. Sometimes it does feel like I'm shoveling shit against the tide, but it really is 2 steps forward, one step back for me at work. Don't try to define yourself by your job. That's not who you are. That's just what you do.

Posted by: ~Easy at March 19, 2008 03:43 PM (XD24A)

10 Dude, I thank you for making my phone work everytime it's an emergency and I need it, and as far as saving lives? How many people have been saved by their cell phones? Pluses in your karma file! I hate my job, but it has afforded me the time to go to school and study at work so that when I retire in 3 years, I will have a lifetime of medical, and the knowledge to go into a field that I love. I'll be working in the ER, but don't come visit mmkay?

Posted by: Donna at March 19, 2008 08:10 PM (fqpqt)

11 Once upon a time, I wanted to be a clinical psychologist. Just sit in a cozy office, listen to people's problems, write occasionally for the psych journals, and rake in the money. What the hell was I thinking? Instead, I find myself a printer. A slowly dying breed in a world of electronic and digital information transfer. All I can say is, sounded good at the time and the money was good. Of course because I was desperate. As for you, I believe your change in heart towards kick-ass work projects has something to do with the fact that you found two things that mattered more in your life. Nick & Nora. And I didn't need a PhD to figure that one out.

Posted by: diamond dave at March 19, 2008 08:21 PM (4GAxf)

12 "I feel like I don't remember how to lead..." At present and for the next 18-20 years, you are doing the most important leading of your life. You are leading 2 small children into their lives and showing them the way. You will never do anything that is more important than that.

Posted by: kenju at March 19, 2008 08:31 PM (yvCMb)

13 I know that I'll probably get booed and hissed for this but: You already ARE doing the best, most important job of your life. I abdicated a "career" a long time ago. There are times when I wonder if I did the right thing and WHO THE HELL WAS THAT GIRL with all those sparkly dreams of being someone important? I'm no more important than anyone else and boy did that pill taste bitter. I did nothing that my teenaged self wanted to do, did not become the person she dreamed of. But what did that sassy little bitch know, anyway? I'm hoping that my "mark" on this world will be in the three young men I gave birth to and raised and by God, they'll find their dreams, if I have to type until I'm 80 to help them get there. I'm not saying that I think it's the right thing to do for you, but for me? A job is how I make the Pop-Tart money. I'm good at whatever I do and I appreciate any feedback, monetary or otherwise, I get from the people who employ me or whom I take on as clients. Nothing more. It's what I DO, not who I AM. And that's fine with me. You'll strike a balance. I just know it.

Posted by: Margi at March 20, 2008 12:15 AM (zfeQt)

14 I had no grand career plan, I figured I'd marry and have kids... I'm turning 40 in 2 weeks, still unmarried.... no kids on the horizon. Instead I'm about to graduate with my degree.... NOW I'm a web tech. I think we plan and God laughs.

Posted by: deeleea at March 20, 2008 10:57 AM (IphB3)

15 Thank you for posting this. I toil away in the ever-precarious financial industry these days and I'm wondering why I work 14-hour days when I'm hardly saving society or performing neurosurgery, especially when people are losing jobs in my field by the thousands. I try not to wonder why I get up and do this every day -- I just do. Reading your thoughts, I don't feel so alone in this ennui.

Posted by: dawn at March 22, 2008 02:01 PM (cADtK)

16 I envy you your living. All I do is work. Today is the first day I have not worked in almost a month. I slept for over 18 hours because I was so exhausted. Now I am awake and do not know what to do... because I never have the free time. Yes, with my job, I get the opportunity to help people and make a difference in their lives. But, I do not make a difference in my own life. Which would you rather have?

Posted by: t at March 22, 2008 07:00 PM (5W6Tg)

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