I have been trying to pick up the pieces. And those little bastards are everywhere, so it's not easy.

I have, as one can imagine, been spending lots of time in tears. Lots and lots and lots of them. I am also not very talkative. I am angry, I feel humiliated, and I feel extremely depressed. This is all so hard, and it is all hell. I know lots of others have been through it, too, but this is my first time. My life is about to completely change. The important relationships in my life may change, too. Last night I took an extremely strong sleeping tablet, but that didn't prevent me from waking up at 3:00 am in a fit of humiliation, depression, and anger. And it just continues today.

I went into the office late last night and cleared all of my things out. I will have my mobile phone and Internet links for two more weeks, then it is all gone. I can tell you it's one strange feeling to walk into the building for the last time. To badge through the doors, knowing that the badge will only work a short time longer. To know that I no longer belong in a place that was my single greatest motivator in life.

I packed all my stuff up, and with a heavy heart, I left.

Partner Unit had a heck of a time on his hands last night. I cried most of the day yesterday. The slightest thing would make me cry.

Him (standing by the doorway): Honey, do you want some coffee?
Me (burst into tears): Coffee. I drank that nasty work coffee every day for
almost five years! Now it's no more!

Him: Honey, do you want to go to the gym with me tomorrow?
Me (burst into tears): No more boxing classes for me, that's the company gym!

Him (walking into the room): Honey, can I call you often tomorrow?
Me (burst into tears): You might as well, soon we will have to pay for cell phone calls ourselves.

Him (turning on news and seeing Michael Jackson's arrest pending): Honey, are you crying because you feel that you are on trial soon too?
Me (in tears): No, it's Michael Jackson's nose. It's so weird, it upsets me!

And so it goes. Mostly, I am in a state of shock. Dear Mate and Best Friend have been phenomenal as well, and I love them to bits for it. Dear Mate has been sending me job links and helping me with logistics, and I think I would be lost without him. He also told me that although life is hell right now, me joining Company X to begin with was the best thing that has ever happened to him, since he and I then met. It now takes the cake as the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me. And yes, it made me cry.

I have chosen an unemployment program that will pay me until the end of May. I will not be allowed to return to Company X for a year, but then they have yet another round of cuts coming the first half of 2004, so it's not an issue anyway.

And in one final "fuck you, Helen", I got the minimum package from the work Union since I am not 30 years old and have not been working for Company X for 5 years.

I am 29 years and 7 months.
I have been working for Company X for 4 years and 9 months.

Nice.

Anyway, I know I should relax and enjoy the time off, but I have begun job hunting. I have to. There are many more people in the job market all competing for jobs. And as I have said in previous posts, I want to stay in Sweden due to my ongoing therapy, and if I leave, it is likely the end of Partner Unit and I. But if I cannot find a job here, then move on I will. The heat is on. In the meantime, I have dusted off the novel that I have been working on for a bit, and may give it a go again.

I simply have to try to hold it together.

To those that have emailed me: thank you so incredibly much. Your very kind emails have been so touching and they mean a lot to me. That, and thanks for the job links, Brass, you have me fantasizing about being a snow bunny (let's just hang on to that image for a sec....ah....nice). I will respond tout suite to your mails.

And to everyone who has commented here: I am overwhelmed. Your kindness, support, wishes for good luck, and concern have made me cry buckets (but the good tears, I swear). Ironically, it was something Courtney said-I am actually considering school again as a possibility. I loved learning new things, and if I get a position, I will try to go back to school part time.

But above all, it is nice to hear from my long-time commenters and friends, and all the new people speaking up for the first time. I can't believe so many people want to read about the ordinary rants of an extraordinary nutball, and you are making me tear up again just from my immense gratitude. Dammit.

I feel like Sally Field's Oscar aceptance speech. "You like me! You really like me!"

I can see it now in a Mitty-ism. I walk up to a grand podium, dressed in a long, black backless number. My hair looks good (that's a biggie), I have on lots of sparkly things, and I am crying as a thunderous blog audience gives me a standing ovation. As I get to the stage, Jim hands me a statue of Freud. Crying, I take it and hug him, then turn to the blog readers.

"You like me! You really like me!" I cry, throw a bunch of air kisses off, and then as I turn to walk away, I trip over the length of my dress and wind up accidentally ramming Freud's head in my mouth. I turn, and Jim looks paralyzed with both fear and amusement. As I haughtily remove said bust from my lips, I turn to him and say:

"Jim, sometimes a statue is just a statue."

Exit stage right.

-H.

PS- tomorrow's post is a "coming out" bit that I have been preparing for for a while. I think, in light of the job loss, that it's time to reveal it.

PPS-to Joey, Jim, Simon, Ron and Ilyka, who all have "revealed" who Company x is, thanks for the laughs. I guess it's obvious who Company X is, but I don't want to say the name here on this site since I don't want Google to be able to find my site. But all I have to say is this: my next phone will be a Nokia.

Gotta' go. Tears again.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 11:21 AM | Comments (17) | Add Comment
Post contains 1177 words, total size 6 kb.

1 Yeah, we like you. We really, really like you. And I for one will always think of you each and every time I buy a sack of duct-taped hampsters.

Posted by: David at November 20, 2003 11:47 AM (4dlyT)

2 Damn. Now I'm going to have to watch the Oscars. Just in case.

Posted by: Jim at November 20, 2003 12:25 PM (IOwam)

3 *hugs* Thank you for the compliment. And yes, we really, really like you. One of my friends said that you are the Jane Austen of blogging - and from him, that is a high compliment indeed. Pain is good - it lets us know that something is wrong. Tears are good - they let us express our pain. Cry it all out.

Posted by: Courtney at November 20, 2003 01:25 PM (m8Exe)

4 We don't just LIKE you, sweetie...we LOVE you.... One of the first things I do every time I log on is click on your link in my favorites folder.... Ps I am glad my phone IS a Nokia now....lol

Posted by: MiMo at November 20, 2003 01:26 PM (qiqs+)

5 You'll be fine. I know this because with all of the things you're slogging through right now, you still have your sense of humor. Trust me. It's a very good thing. Be kind to yourself and if you need anything, I'm just an e-mail away.

Posted by: margi at November 20, 2003 01:56 PM (4jrV0)

6 Cosmic karma means it will all work out for the best. In the meantime, I am not only boycotting Company X products, I'm thinking of taking it wider. Yes, I am boycotting the letter "X". Look, for eample, I will never e plain to fellow mobile mad Hong Kongers why I am destroying their Viking phone in order to e orcise the e cretia that stand behind it. And furthermore, I'm not having a Swedish massage tomorrow now. So there.

Posted by: Simon at November 20, 2003 02:08 PM (9fWva)

7 SO it is "e"? Helen, I really, really, really like you. Hugs again and best wishes for finding a new job. I think that 4 years 9 months thing is the hardest part. Not done and very cruel. Hope you get a super job and I'm buying a Nokia too, not what you suggested for obvious reasons.

Posted by: Melodrama at November 20, 2003 02:25 PM (qZljh)

8 Well the rest of them may like you, im just here for the sex. j/k

Posted by: pylorns at November 20, 2003 03:29 PM (oMGhn)

9 Ooh. I'm like Jane Austen. Very cool. And thanks David, Margi, pylorns, Jim and Melo. That was sweet. Simon, you made me laugh. But the truth, as we all know, is that you need to boycot the letter "e" (but do not say it here). Which is easy if you name is Simon. Can I have your Swedish massage instead? I need one... MiMo-that is seriously cool that I am your first stop. Thanks. I have never been anyone's first anything (oh wait...scratch that...)

Posted by: Helen at November 20, 2003 04:02 PM (tdh2z)

10 Company X is a bunch of short-sighted, smeg-encrusted, window-lickers with delusions of adequacy. I wish them all eternal water-retention and unceasing canker sores. So there. And I'm glad I have Nokia.

Posted by: LeeAnn at November 20, 2003 04:21 PM (HxCeX)

11 I'd have to second Courtney's going-back-to-school idea. That's what I'm doing right now -- getting my shiznit together to get another bachelor's degree. Seems like a damned fine idea to me. Oh, and yes. I like you.

Posted by: Joey at November 20, 2003 04:47 PM (Jq6q/)

12 Dammit, now I have to boycott my Carolina Panthers since they play at the fucking "E" Stadium. Fuckity fuck motherfuck... PS - I have a Nokia and it's great...now every time I look at it I'll be reminded of you...small and black. Well, maybe not

Posted by: Rob at November 20, 2003 05:16 PM (pL1ga)

13 Yes, we love you! Please hang in there. I know what you are going through, and it's not easy. *hugs* I was laid off last year, too. And I've been recently screwed by some agencies for contract positions. Anyway, I've decided to leave the corporate world when I can. I'd like to teach or possibly do social work. I'd probably do better as a teacher. Anyway, I plan to work on my credential while I work at my next job.

Posted by: Dawn at November 20, 2003 07:35 PM (Q13/B)

14 I stumbled upon your site today. I certainly feel for you. You sound like an incredibly honest and open person, and I do wish you well. I hope things improve in the future!

Posted by: cheryl at November 20, 2003 10:54 PM (/kuVz)

15 I knew the company from my referral logs when you started visiting. I only have one of those pre-paid cell phones but I double checked the brand name anyway...because I would have gladly smashed it to bits. Losing a job is never easy but the first time is always the scariest. However, I promise you that this will turn out to be a good thing in the end. Don't believe me now, but you'll see.

Posted by: Serenity at November 21, 2003 02:50 AM (4A/WT)

16 " I trip over the length of my dress and wind up accidentally ramming Freud's head in my mouth." heh heh It being you and a statue of Freud, for a moment I was afraid you were going to say something other than "mouth." (Bad, Jean, bad!) Y'know, I never *have* liked duct-taped hampsters. Oh! Oh, yeah. I like you! I really like you!

Posted by: jean at November 21, 2003 07:05 AM (Af9+w)

17 Eh, I never liked their phones anyway. No*kia & Qua*lco*mm have sites in San Diego ... Hope you are okay. Sorry for commenting in the old entries.

Posted by: cyberangel at December 12, 2003 07:28 AM (l99lM)

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