English gardening is renowned. Seriously. Not only do they have the big gardens, like Kew Gardens, but they have 100,000 gardening shows with the likes of that guy with the name and her who never wears a bra (and I'm not a prude or anything, but DAMN. Consider strapping those puppies, babe, or you're going to put someone's eye out someday).

I even have the name guy's book, and while it's good he's a little fussy for me, even. He's like the Martha Stewart of gardening, when I'm still at the level of trying to figure out the Hungry Man frozen dinner gardening equivalent. I'm a true beginner. Even using the latin names whips me and makes my eyes glaze over.

But we have been getting a lot done. After the weekend known as "Slash and Burn" weekend:

Where we cut back huge bushes (the whole place was overgrown), ripped out sections of overgrowth, and above all weeded:

We've felt better about the place.

Not like it's done or anything.

A garden this size is NEVER done.

So a lot's been happening in my life, and I decided the area where I wanted to unleash my aggression was on my number one enemy...the pond.

When we first viewed the house the pond was a selling point for me. I have always wanted a pond, complete with irises, little fishies, and a duck (a duck proved too much for Angus, we had a fierce argument about it and the duck idea was abandoned.) So when I found out that this house came with a pond, it was huge. Angus was ambivalent, but me? I'd found nirvana.

Until I actually OWNED the pond, of course.

And can I just say...do you know how much fucking work is involved with a goddamn pond?

It was a nightmare. Mumin - the ultimate hunter - was bringing mice in by the handful. Turns out that the former owner's gentleman caller friend would feed families of field mice on the floating lily pads of the pond. Very cute and Wind in the Willows, but add a cat to the equation and it was rodenticide. The families of field mice didn't last long, even though we tried to stop her. When the mice ran out, she moved on to decimating the pond frog population (and I did learn from the helpful comments that praising her for catching animals was the way to get her to not kill them. Thanks for that advice - now we get presented with them alive, so they have a chance to live. Still, it squicks me out.)

One month after moving in the pond had 100,000,000 tadpoles brewing on the top of it. A neighbor helpfully told me that you have to go in there and do a little "weeding out" of the frog population, so I had to murder about half of the little tadpoles. I still feel guilty today, and worry that the frogs continue to hold it against me. In my next life I'm going before a tribunal for my crimes against amphibians, I just know it. Kermit judges me. I feel his anger.

The pond got covered with pond scum, which needed sweeping out and which smelled like something died (nothing did, apart from the Mumin presents.) You had to constantly cut back the overgrowth, something we weren't always good at:

Not like you can make it out, but the pond is to the right in the picture. It's the huge growth of irises, you can't actually make out the water.

And we had to keep the pond covered with mesh netting, as rumor had it there was a neighborhood heron that likes to have a little sushi for lunch.

But this year I'd had enough. The pond was going. True, it did have fish in it-at last count, we thought there were about 10 or so. We were going to give the fish to Angus' brother, who is installing his own pond (HA! Sucker!) and would take our fishies. I uncovered the pond because I hadn't seen a heron around.

I am now going to be tried for crimes against amphibians and aquatic vertebrates, because guess what? Yeah, um, there is a heron. And he had a whole lot of sashimi from our pond. We came back after a weekend away and found that we had no fish.

So we started to drain that which I call That Fucking Pond.

And wouldn't you know it, we did have 4 fish left.

The 4 fish were rescued in a bucket, along with a few water newts. We were going to give them to Angus' brother (who is in Namibia) but hadn't been able to do it yet.

The fish didn't last long in the bucket.

Despite my best efforts at feeding and giving them fresh air, the bucket became known (in Angus' terms) as the Departure Lounge.

I do feel really guilty about both the heron and the Departure Lounge.

Now down 4 fish and several water newts, there was nothing holding us back. I attacked the pond yesterday with Carrie-like ferocity. I ensured that all wildlife (except for frogs, which I knew would move on, and water snails which, seriously, are on their own) and then stripped out the rubber liner. I was ready to fill that pond in...until wouldn't you know it. The batshit lady who used to own the place had filled the inside of the pond with carpet and newspaper.

Carpet.

CARPET.

This woman loved carpet. She had carpet on everything, including the bathroom floor. I'm surprised ceilings weren't carpeted. She has instilled in me a hatred for carpet that is nearly pathological, and the only remaining rooms in the house that still has carpet are the hallway and living room, but only because both are getting torn to bits in the coming extension so it made no sense to address it now. We chucked out every other room of carpet and took the floors back to the original floorboards. If I never see carpet again, it will be too soon. Hell (for me) must be covered in shag pile.

This made the job 100,000 times worse, as not only did I have to get the liner out, I had to try to get the carpet out otherwise I'd be handling really foul, awful carpet as well. And while the pond water looked clean, lemme tell you-what was left after the water was pumped out smelled like sewage.

I went into a fury.

Angus came to help me, even though I'd been getting lots of help (to the right of the sleeping dog is some of that bloody carpet):

Together we tried to get as much carpet out of the pond as we could. We got about half of it, then the structural integrity of the liner gave way, and the pond drained.

I have never in my life - despite all the housework I've done, no matter the rebuilding jobs I've been a part of - been through a more foul task in my life. I asked Angus if this was the worst house job he'd ever been through and he admitted that some of the sewer work he's done on homes has been worse. I can see that. Just.

So all that's left is a few inches of mud, the liner, some roots, and some funky carpet. We're going to let the mud dry out - it's not even May yet and already we know we're headed for a drought again this year, it's been the hottest April in English history and it looks like that'll keep going. The mud will sort itself out and then the liner, the carpet and more will be taken to the tip.

We're not sure what we'll do with that space now-there's more work to do, it has to be filled in and the paving stones removed and those aggressive hedges behind it ripped out. We'll either just grass it over for more lawn or make a small benched reading area or something.

I've since had 2 showers since getting rid of the pond, and we rewarded ourselves with a triumph over my other nemesis, the stinging nettle. I carefully picked a load of them (and still got stung anyway, despite the gloves), washed and boiled them, and then made nettle soup. I know it sounds awful, and very crunchy granola, but it was the best soup I've ever had in my life.

And the pond is gone.

It was hell.

It was worth it.

Dontcha' just long for relaxing country living?

-H.

PS-yes, that last post really was from Angus, who is the one who fixed my sidebars and thus the loading, she is better. And yes-I really did pay up. Of course.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 07:11 AM | Comments (18) | Add Comment
Post contains 1472 words, total size 9 kb.

1 You gotta wonder about someone would inflict carpeting on a natural ecosystem. Ugh! I can't even begin to imagine what that smelled like!

Posted by: maolcolm at April 30, 2007 09:59 AM (lhrvk)

2 A pond was a temptation that I'm glad I resisted. Our back yard is enough work as it is!

Posted by: ~Easy at April 30, 2007 10:55 AM (vL8BC)

3 "Departure Lounge"? I like his sense of humor! Can't we praise her for recycling the old carpet?She probably thought NO one would ever see it!

Posted by: kenju at April 30, 2007 12:39 PM (DBvE5)

4 Will installing central air be next on the project list? Do they even have that over there?

Posted by: Teri at April 30, 2007 12:42 PM (K7jOL)

5 And I thought I had a busy weekend because I washed all the laundry in the house, lol.

Posted by: Lindsay at April 30, 2007 01:00 PM (mHNC3)

6 Something unexpectedly tasty? Stinging nettle risotto.

Posted by: miss havisham at April 30, 2007 01:40 PM (QAcXg)

7 Carpet in a pond? That is just gross. Don't feel bad about the fish and heron though-circle of life and all that.

Posted by: Teresa at April 30, 2007 02:29 PM (jj+BF)

8 Hmm. I used to think I might want a pond some day, but you've definitely changed my mind!

Posted by: geeky at April 30, 2007 02:29 PM (ziVl9)

9 Umm, wow. Seriously having trouble with that one. Carpet. In a pond. Outside? Now that is extra special! Up until now I thought a pond would be kind of cool, mostly for frolicking dogs, but now it just sounds "ew".

Posted by: Erin at April 30, 2007 04:28 PM (HQy7k)

10 What a posh pond you had ... carpet and all! The pond idea worked it's way into our heads years ago. Was much more of a headache than either of us anticipated. Pond was filled in last summer - replaced with a patch of dirt in the shape of a pond. Heh. I am most impressed with your deconstruction of the pond. I can't wait to see what you figure out to do with the space.

Posted by: Michele at April 30, 2007 04:36 PM (fcaMV)

11 Dammit! I wanted to do a post about how Charlie and Mr. Tittymarsh get it on behind the shed when no one is looking (wearing a bra would get get in the way). I was distracted and started thinking pure thoughts ... damn. But, yeah, totally don't understand why she wouldn't want to hoist those puppies up in a nice bra while making over someone's backyard. It is entertaining watching to see if they are going to poke out of her shirt as she works though.

Posted by: Michele at April 30, 2007 04:40 PM (fcaMV)

12 I'm with you on wall-to-wall carpets; filthy nasty, horrible invention, that. We're having ours ripped out next month and replaced with hardwood floor. Thank god; I've missed my hardwood floors so much.

Posted by: The other Amber at April 30, 2007 05:07 PM (zQE5D)

13 I praise you for all the hard work. Now I think my dreams of a pond have just been crushed. Thank goodness. I don't think I have the stamina to go through all that. Carpet? Really odd...

Posted by: sue at April 30, 2007 07:01 PM (WbfZD)

14 I think that the phrase "carpet in a pond" is going to enter my lexicon of WTF. Along with, "Is that a cow?" but that's another story.

Posted by: B. Durbin at May 01, 2007 01:39 AM (tie24)

15 I'm not sure what is more disgusting...Carpet in a pond or a 40-something that doesn't wear a bra....the image that comes to my mind is nipples at kneecaps GROSS!

Posted by: Heidi at May 01, 2007 05:27 AM (IO4wY)

16 Kenju-fair point, I do want to give her credit. But still...CARPET. Miss Havisham-a friend told me about nettle risotto last night, and it's definitely on the plan for the week. I have a new "I eat garden weeds" addiction!

Posted by: Helen at May 01, 2007 06:17 AM (CCyzl)

17 There is a reason for the carpet (if it's under the liner, if it's on the wet side of the liner then she was weird). When you make your pond you put the carpet or cardboard in the hole before putting the liner in to protect it from any sharp stones that might be there. You can buy "pond liner underlay" but she obviously had some carpet to spare. I also have squillions of tadpoles but I didn't thin mine, just think of it as evolution in action.

Posted by: Caroline M at May 01, 2007 01:44 PM (x3QDi)

18 Ok, so I have to come to the defense of the old batshit pond lady. I have a pond and as long as you have a good filter and pond was built correctly in the first place, it's really not that much work. I just rinse off the filter pads once every couple of weeks and feed the fish. The one time a year it's a pain in the ass is when I have to repot my waterlilies. Just kill me now. And carpet? Seriously, it's one of the most common, inexpensive, sturdy, long-lasting underlayments for flexible liner ponds. It not only prevents roots from growing through your liner and causing leaks, but if for some reason you dropped a rock or a brick into the pond the cushion underneath keeps you from poking a hole from the inside too. Besides, you were never supposed to see the carpet under the pond.

Posted by: emily at May 01, 2007 01:47 PM (f37z7)

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