I'm sure you haven't noticed, but I've been in a bit of a funk.

No really.

Seeing as I'm a Monday-Friday girl (and have been since I kicked this blog off), September had me display a grand total of 10 posts for the entire month. Half the time I sat down and couldn't think of something that wasn't "Sarah McLachlan Hold On Suicide-Worthy" to write about, the other half of the time I avoided the PC like the plague as Google beckoned me with things to search-IVF success rates, rates of further miscarriage...I bordered on becoming a cyberchondriac.

And there I was at Halloween, wondering how I could avoid the baby costume section of the shops.

And there I was in Scotland, aware that I was scoffing down the whiskey when I should be in my second trimester.

And there I was in the States, little girl lost.

And there I was at the wedding wearing a swingy dress, when I should be wearing something A-line waisted.

And here I am, staring down Thanksgiving (usually a not easy time for me, being here while the Macy's Day Parade, the football, the people for whom Thanksgiving is a precious and sacred part of their holiday season). True we'll have our own Thanksgiving, as we do, on the Saturday after Thanksgiving. But Thanksgiving Thursday usually sees me on the couch, in comfy clothes, with mac and cheese and Home for the Holidays on the DVD and feeling pretty homesick.

And then Christmas is coming.

Christmas, my favorite time of year.

Christmas, the world's best holiday ever.

Christmas, where we will be hosting his entire family and where I'll undoubtedly be stressed to fuck (note to self: buy more tranquilizers. Urgent.)

Christmas, where I should have been just entering the third trimester, but I won't be.

And it all seemed so fucking hard and tiring. This may not make much sense to those who have not battled with infertility, but that battle resides in my thoughts way more than my wonders about the universe, when Alice Sebold will write another book, or how to get my Sims pets to have puppies. Everything overwhelmed me, our loss this year took my heart and pounded it out on a cutting board, then rolled it flat and made little gingerbread men out of it, which was served up to the management team at work, who shared with the nearest obstetrician's office. This, I knew, was going to be my struggle. This was my test-how to get to my favorite holiday, my most favorite time of year, and be happy.

It didn't look good. My prognosis was very poor. I was so down and miserable I made Ebeneezer Scrooge look like he was a Miami Beach club-goer strung out on E. Puffy Santas made me cringe. Christmas trees made my eyes water. Fake snow fucked me off. I re-enacted Born Free scenes about Rudolph.

And above all, I cried.

Then on Saturday, I watched the falling leaves and realized that I was ok. Christmas was coming, and although it didn't mean that I wouldn't feel a twinge and a pang from time to time-especially as Angus' very pregnant sister-in-law would be here, the one who got knocked up at the same time as our first IVF cycle failed-on the whole, I'd be ok.

I could even enjoy it.

Parts of me are already in love with it again, like discovering Fanta when you'd Fanta'd out.

And no, I'm not decorating yet. It's too early for that, decorating kicks off the day after Thanksgiving. But I'm buying things to decorate-a garland for the living room, which will host stocking holders I just bought. Ornaments which I'll hang from the ceiling in a cluster and lay down beneath them, staring up at them. Advent calendars, to mark every morning before Christmas. We've planned where the tree will go. We've been buying lots of Christmas ornaments, including a new favorite of mine.

Christmas is coming and I was absolutely dreading it. It was something to try to survive, enjoying it was out of the question. I don't know that I am 100% still, (really, my enthusiasm for Christmas is historically overwhelming-I can make Randy Quaid look like he's in a coma) but something about Christmas this year is reaching out and grabbing hold of me, all the while feeling very bittersweet, an orange peel on the tongue, a lock of hair sold for a pocket watch fob. But it's coming all the same, and finally I am looking forward to it. In fact, I'm finally happy that the holidays will be here soon.

I've even downloaded Sarah's new Christmas album.

I confess, I've been listening to it.

I'm also nearly done with Christmas shopping (under the definition of "Anal Retentive Nervousness" in Wikipedia it says: "See-Helen. Also, Dana Carvey".)

And Christmas is coming soon and I will greet it with every mug of Gingerbread Latte I will be drinking (and there are many of those).

So no decorating yet, but when I finally do? I'm larging it*.

-H.

*Angus wouldn't let me buy a 6ft high inflatable snowman. He said it was a step too far. Where's the love?

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 11:15 AM | Comments (14) | Add Comment
Post contains 893 words, total size 5 kb.

1 Eh, get the snowman anyway, but only inflate him to 5.9 feet. Then put it on the roof. In my old South Carolina neighborhood, there was something of an inflatable creature throwdown, to the point that if you stepped outside, all you could hear was the whirring of fans keeping them all filled. One yard had five of them. Then the ice storm hit. Mass casualties.

Posted by: Z. Hendirez at November 14, 2006 01:42 PM (igmiD)

2 Then the ice storm hit. Mass casualties. Now THAT was funny.

Posted by: Helen at November 14, 2006 02:02 PM (JkZAx)

3 Sorry, but the 6ft snowmen are tacky...The discount chains have already had out their inflatable snow globes...those are the most disgusting lawn ornaments ever.What ever happened to dignity? LOL

Posted by: Mitzi at November 14, 2006 02:14 PM (6H1+l)

4 Mitzi-of course they're tacky. They're HIDEOUS. Part of the charm. (I don't really want one, I just want Angus to think I want one. Shhhhhhhhhh...)

Posted by: Helen at November 14, 2006 02:30 PM (JkZAx)

5 I've managed to duck both Christmas and Thanksgiving for the last five years...mostly by being at work 'Cause I'm single and no one else is'. (the overtime bonuses for those days are nice too). I'm covered for Christmas this year (getting out of work at 8 AM on the 25th after a 3 day 37.5 work week) but I think I may be stuck for Thanksgiving.... I think I'll use the 'sports dumb I've developed at work'. Touchdown == home run Flag == Ohh 2 minutes in the Penalty box for that one. "They're pretty good.. how did they do against the Yankees?" ((speaking of a college football team)) "I never did figure Cricket out." "Not much of a Lacross Fan." Figure that ought to get me banished from the living room so I can either read, blog, play computer games, or more likely (at those ugly hours when the sun is up... SLEEP).

Posted by: LarryConley at November 14, 2006 02:37 PM (BLBKC)

6 "I'm also nearly done with Christmas shopping (under the definition of "Anal Retentive Nervousness" in Wikipedia it says: "See-Helen. Also, Dana Carvey".)" See-Statia. Who is also almost done with her Christmas shopping. Also? If you buy an inflatable snowman, we're breaking up.

Posted by: statia at November 14, 2006 03:01 PM (NsnoE)

7 My boyfriend wouldn't let me get one of the inflatable snowglobes, either for Halloween or Christmas. I don't think he realizes the extent of my snowglobe obsession.

Posted by: amber at November 14, 2006 03:06 PM (5PLeA)

8 You have the new Sims add on! Lucky, hope it's good!

Posted by: Hannah at November 14, 2006 04:05 PM (5w+E2)

9 I finished up the last of my Christmas shopping this weekend in Boston. Now I can slowly submerge myself into the season without being forcibly dunked into it, sputtering, via the ridiculous nature of mass commercialism. I prefer that excuse to "anal retentive" these days. ;-)

Posted by: Jennifer at November 14, 2006 04:53 PM (jl9h0)

10 I'm not anywhere close to being done shopping. Normally I make a list of who's getting what from each store, take a cab to the mall the day after Thanksgiving, power shop for two hours, and then cab it home. This year I will be out of town, so I'm trying to get done early. It's making me very flustered. Congrats on being nearly done.

Posted by: amy t. at November 14, 2006 04:59 PM (3dOTd)

11 I'm just starting the Christmas blitz. Planning for gifts and setting up the Christmas card list and all that.... And about that snowman, I think they're positively tame compared to the 8 foot blow up snow globes with animated trains or santas inside :-)

Posted by: caltechgirl at November 14, 2006 05:48 PM (/vgMZ)

12 I tried the Gingerbread Latte from Starbucks the other day and I just wasn't feeling it. I am in love with the Pumpkin Spice Latte and I could drink a Peppermint Latte any day of the year, but the Gingerbread was just a bit much for my palate. Too spicy, maybe? Too sweet? I couldn't quite put my finger on it. We bought Sarah's new album a couple of weeks ago, but I haven't listened to it yet. I'm trying to put it off until after Thanksgiving. I'm having a shithole day today, though, and I'm resisting the urge to pop in FTE and sob in the fetal position.

Posted by: girl at November 14, 2006 07:21 PM (z6Kyx)

13 Try decorating 2 city clubs, a country club, restaurants, the governor's mansion and 3 private homes for Christmas.....and you might get enough of it to last you years and years! I hope you have the most wonderful Christmas ever.

Posted by: kenju at November 15, 2006 02:33 AM (L8e9z)

14 Awww....Angus. You party pooper. Let Helen have her snowman.

Posted by: Lisa at November 15, 2006 03:08 AM (Gl6HE)

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