The kids arrived Saturday morning with the usual accompaniments-one million questions, requests, ideas, and noises. I never get used to it but two kids make a hell of a lot of noise. Ironically once they leave, I miss the hubbub enormously and wonder what we can do to bring the decibel level back up.

Yesterday Jeff was playing around on the PC (when Melissa wasn't on it, that is. Between the two of them I won't be seeing much PC action for two weeks, so apologies if you've sent a mail and not heard back from me) and the sounds of film trailers drifted into the living room. One song in particular drifted out into the hallway and wrapped itself around my spine.

There's something magical about that song.

Here's a picture of a place we passed in Scotland, at a bridge called Glenfinnan (and yes I need to upload my Scottish pics. It's on the list along with a lot of things I need to do).

Do you recognize it?

If I used the words "Hogwarts Express", would you then?

That's the bridge shown in the films when the kids are aboard the train heading to Hogwarts. That's even the train they use, they just rebadge it "Hogwarts" over the West Highland Railway markers. We passed the viaduct and knew we had to stop and take a photo. We even waited for the steam train to pass us. It sounds dumb, but I got a small thrill thinking that something like a steam train heading on its usual route could have a small impact on my day. It's not like I'm a Harry Potter groupie or anything, honest.

The music that drifted from Jeff's computer antics was the very distincitve and appropriate Harry Potter theme song, and that's what I've been thinking about for a little while.

There's something special about the Harry Potter books (just in case the box office receipts and J.K. Rowling's standing as one of the wealthiest women in history didn't give that away.) The kids work themselves up into a frenzy each time a book or film is released. Melissa is re-reading the series for who knows what time - 5th? 10th? While maybe Angus isn't a fan, there's something in the series that sets the kids alive.

And I can relate. To me those films are perfect on a cold Autumn day (I can't really explain it but I don't like watching them in the Summer. They're Fall films for me.) You get under a blanket, have a fire in the fireplace, ignore the cold grey sky outside and you sit transfixed while you watch the films, transported to cold damp hallways and golden goblets of butter beer (a concoction while sounds simultaneously repugnant and fantastic all at the same time).

The books are equally absorbing. When you start to read you're launched into a world that feels like 100 year-old velveteen and smells like the ripe hollowed end of a thick hardbound book. You care about the characters. You hope the good guys win.

And the books are a basic, perfect mix of it all, and you see why kids love them. The books revere that state that you spent your childhood looking for, and once you didn't find it you realized that, that's what made you a grown-up. It wasn't hair in odd places or rushing hormones or the fact that your head was scraping the ceiling. You became a grown-up when you stopped looking for magic places.

I remember as a kid looking behind the boiler in the house we lived in at Colorado Springs. I was so convinced that the small door back there was a secret passageway to Narnia, Nimh, or to the Borrowers. I was sure of it. When I finally got the little door open I discovered it was just full of dust and cobwebs, possibly the skeleton of a rabbit or two, and that the door? It led to nowhere.

I didn't stop looking for magic places then.

I tried them in department stores inside the racks of clothing.

I tried them in fitting rooms.

I tried them in old houses with too many closets.

And eventually when I didn't find any magic spaces, I just stopped trying.

So it was that I grew up.

But Harry Potter, he's extending that for this generation. Melissa, at 15, could potentially still be a believer. Jeff most definitely is. They can dream and taste magic because it's in front of them - three ordinary kids with special circumstances live the life they wish they had. The books have a clear delineation between good and evil, there's no ambiguity. That kind of clarity is exactly what is needed in the world today. This guy here? He's bad. We don't want him to succeed. This guy, with the glasses? He's a good guy. He should win.

I love the books. I'm not ashamed to admit it, I have no problem confessing that the books are something that sets my imagination on fire. The films are brilliant and well-made and something to be revered, too, but the books...the interpretation that the mind gives them is amazing. It doesn't make me want to be a kid again (god, not that again). But it does bring out something dusty that had been sitting on a shelf, forgotten.

When the books come out the trains I ride on are chock full of the bright yellow, red, and blue books as all the grown-ups get them out to read on the commute. Even though we're adults we still remember what it was like to have enforced bedtimes, little responsibility, and dreams that Saturday morning cartoons were the start to a weekend of magic hunting. I like to imagine that as soon as we pull our books out of our purses, briefcases and backpacks, that our feet shrink and fall out of our high heels, the ends of the re-inforced toes of our tights hanging well past our little toenails. The air smells like strawberry bubble gum and caramel apples. From time to time you hear a small, high-pitched giggle. The mens' trousers hang over the ends of their legs, their little legs pumping back and forth against the seat, as all of us shrink out of our 30's and 40's and become kids again, if just for a 45 minute train ride.

I'll buy the next one, as will Melissa - we'll be in the Scottish Highlands that week and will look for them then. I'll savor every last drop of the book, and I'll even force myself to read it slowly, more slowly, as this will be the last foray into a world that as a grown-up, my only hall pass into it comes in the form of a little wizard with a crooked scar. I'll miss that little guy. More than that, I'll miss how I let all my stres and fears go while I read it, and let myself back into a world where people can fly, magic potions exist, and dragons are right around the corner. Melissa, she'll drink and devour it and then she'll read and re-read them. But she can do that because it's all so real to her still. It can still happen, if she just checks the right doors.

And while I read it, I'll remember what it was like to believe in that magic, to think that there's something more than all of this out there.

And that will be enough, for a while, to help me dream of crawlspaces and doors behind boiler rooms.

- H.

PS-LynD, thank you very much. I really mean it.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 08:42 AM | Comments (21) | Add Comment
Post contains 1283 words, total size 7 kb.

My ex-husband and I got Mumin on a warm summer day in Sweden. We'd been to visit his mother and stepfather at their home in the middle of Sweden, and a local farm was advertising rescue farmhouse kittens. We'd already had Maggie (named for Maggie Simpson) and Maggie was a wild, untamable kitten. She didn't want to be held, she didn't want to be touched, and her preferred way of life was to be causing some form of distruction. I'm one of those that think cats are better off in pairs because they can offer each other company and comfort, so it was always in the cards to get another cat.

Enter a little black and white kitten.

We went to a farmhouse where we were presented with two options - an all-black male kitten or a black and white female kitten. Since we already had a female kitten, we thought it would be best to get another girl. We paid a fee (a donation to the society and the cost of the kitten's shots).

And just like that, Mumin was a part of our life. She was named for a Finnish cartoon character and although I was nervous about bringing her home - cats often have a hard time adjusting to each other - I had nothing to worry about. Maggie and Mumin took to each other as though they'd always had each other in their lives, and always would. They looked nearly identical, with the exception that Mumin's eyes were yellow to Maggie's green and Mumin had a front leg that was white up to her upper leg, whereas Maggie's simply look encased in a pair of white 1950's gloves.

Mumin turned out to be very ill with a severe parasitic infection and a few vet visits later she was healthy. The parasitic infection damaged her growth though (or so the vet said) and as a result she was always a small cat. She and Maggie got on fabulously and in Sweden where you'd find one sleeping you'd generally find the other.

Mumin was my cat. She liked to curl up on my lap under the blankets, and we'd watch TV together while the snow fell outside. She liked to chase toy mice and if you threw one for her she'd bring it back, meowing as if to say "See how much I love you? You drop your toy and I'll bring it back to you." She had one of the sweetest, most patient dispositions ever - she wasn't the cleverest of cats but she was kind and loving. While Maggie is the angry, unfriendly wild cat Mumin was the happy, purring happy-go-lucky cat. We had our rituals, amongst them me giving her nibbles of cheese in the mornings. She liked to be held against your chest, like a baby. She loved to sleep on your lap with her head curled under, blocking out the light.

When she and Maggie came over to the UK after serving out their pet quarantine time in Sweden they have both gained a significant amount of weight. They'd been living with my ex, serving their quarantine, and had been simply eating to bide the time. It had never once occurred to me to not bring them over-they were my girls, they were coming. On the airplane trip over both nearly died as I had misguidedly given them tranquilizers to ease their stress-turns out animals sleep at that altitude anyway, drugging them dangerously lowers their body temperature.

There were new rules when they arrived. Angus' pets had a different way of life to mine. Dogs are not allowed upstairs. Cats should go outdoors. Pets on beds is generally not ok. It was a change, but in general the cats took to the changes in an entirely positive way. It turned out that Mumin, she loved the outdoors. She was incredible at catching animals to present to us as gifts. She and her new best friend Gorby would be outside for hours wiling away hours. She tolerated his puppy-ness. He, in turn, loved her. She'd spend all day outside on various rambling adventures and in the summertime it was impossible to get her inside. During the winter she wouldn't go out and would instead start gaining winter weight like a grizzly bear, which she'd quickly lose once it became warm enough to investigate the great outdoors.

I think it was for this exact reason we didn't notice what was going on.

She'd lost her usual winter weight. At a vet visit in March for her immunizations she was weighed, and came out a reasonably light 3.8 kg. She was pronounced very healthy and happy. She was wormed, boosted, and continued her fun outside.

We'd noticed over the past few weeks that she was looking too thin. But her antics outside with Gorby were continuing, she still came inside from time to time, and she was as loving and sweet as ever.

Last week we thought she'd become too thin. Her personality was still completely normal, so we decided to watch her and make sure she was ok. I'd decided to book up a vet visit, but then she was her usual self so I figured maybe this was just extreme summer weight loss.

When we returned from Scotland on Tuesday, I saw her in the evening. I was shocked by her appearance-you could see her hip bones. Her fur was matted and dirty. I held her and washed her fur, which infuriated her and she dashed outdoors. I waited for her to come inside so we could go to the vet.

But she didn't return until Friday morning, which was highly unusual for her.

When she finally came in she was frail, shaking, and uninterested in our usual morning cheese ritual. She was frighteningly thin. I held her in a towel and called the vet. We thought maybe she had some kind of parasite, maybe something she hadn't been wormed for.

The vet was very worried-Mumin had gone from 3.8 kg to 2.2 kg. She started to get sick all over the vet's table and was shaking. She was held over at the vets as they could feel a mass in her stomach.

Through it all, she was purring.

They took her through a swinging door and that was the last time we ever saw her.

They did x-rays and took blood at lunchtime. They called us. They were worried. They felt exploratory surgery was needed and they would call me and keep me posted.

When the vet finally did call I think somehow it was what we knew was coming.

The vet had found a massive tumor in Mumin's small intestine, just at a critical junction with the large intestine. It would be impossible to remove the tumor as in cats, it's apparently at a junction that you can't successfully re-connect. But as though the tumor weren't enough the lymph nodes were swollen and cancerous. The vet said they could do a biopsy and try chemo, which would buy us another year at most, but that the tumor was such that it would burst at any time, killing Mumin. Even if it hadn't, Angus and I wouldn't want to put Mumin through chemo. I fully understand that other people feel it's the best solution for their beloved pets, but he and I feel that Mumin wouldn't have understood what she was going through, that the pain of chemo would have been too great.

The vet and I agreed to let her go on the table. Waking her up just so I could say goodbye was a gesture that I wanted very, very much but I knew it was too selfish. My goodbye would have to be implied. My "I love you, baby" would have to be understood.

And so my little girl died.

Someone sent me an email not long ago (Foggy? Was it you?) about heaven. It told the story of a man who died and met his beloved dog in the afterlife, and they were walking along and came to the pearly gates. The man asked for a bowl of water for his dog and the guardian at the gate said "Sorry, no pets allowed." So the man and his dog kept walking until they came to another pearly gate, identical to the one he had just been at, and there was a bowl of water there. The dog had a long drink and the man turned to guardian at the gate. The guardian welcomed the man and the dog. "What is this place?" asked the man. "I was just at a place like it, only they wouldn't take my dog." The guardian smiled. "This place, my friend, is heaven. Both of you come on in."

It's stupid, really, but I like to think that's along the lines of what happens.

And for everyone who commented who also lost a friend, I hope it happens for you, too. Thank you for being there. It's been a bad time lately and I'm a little screwed up right now, so thank you.

Animals take up a deep space in my heart, and in general I trust them more than I trust people. Animals will only hurt you out of fear, while people, well...who the hell knows how they work. Animals have an innate sense of love and kindness and as long as you encourage that love and kindness the relationship you have with them is immeasurably sweet. As I get older my relationships with my furry buddies gets better and better, to the point now where I can't imagine extricating a single one of them from my life.

Until now, that is.

I feel like I shouldn't complain that my cat passed away. It's not like the body of a solider covered in a shroud from the beaches of Normandy or anything like that. I guess I feel embarrassed that losing Mumin has hit me so badly. But the truth is, my pets are my kids. They've always been my kids and always will be, even when real kids show up. Mumin was a bright spot in my day and one of the characters that I thought would tolerate and be patient with the Lemonheads as they go through their tail-grabbing stages. She was a sweetheart, a good girl, and a good friend to Gorby.

Maggie and Gorby are both being very needy now, as though they know something's amiss, too. I keep holding and cuddling Maggie (much to her annoyance) because no matter how unfriendly she can be I love her, too, and couldn't bear to lose her either. We will go on, and Angus has agreed we can maybe even think about another kitten someday. But we're still at a stage where we miss the little Mumin, and I think it'll be like that for a long while.

I'm not dragging this out and I'm not refusing to move on. I wrote this not for sympathy but so that you could know who Mumin was, what affect she had on our lives. I know a lot of people are probably rolling their eyes with a sigh of "Geez, man, she was JUST a cat." And she was a cat. But she was a cat I loved. I won't be posting about her for a while now, I think. It is time to move on and we are all moving on. Just as you have your own companion-sized shapes in your heart, so do I. I need to let the Mumin-shaped hole in my life heal. I never knew something so small could leave such a space behind.

But then, she was like that. Always catching you by surprise.

-H.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 07:18 AM | Comments (30) | Add Comment
Post contains 1960 words, total size 11 kb.

The vet just called.

They did blood tests and x-rays this morning and at 2 pm had to do exploratory surgery.

Mumin had cancer and an inoperable tumor in her intestines.

She died on the operating table.

She was 6 years old.

I love you, baby.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 02:40 PM | Comments (79) | Add Comment
Post contains 58 words, total size 1 kb.

1 oh, sweetie, i am so very sorry for your loss. sending loads of love your way. xoxox

Posted by: leah at June 15, 2007 02:46 PM (Msku8)

2 Oh, Helen, I am so very sorry.

Posted by: Heather at June 15, 2007 02:47 PM (G8dHb)

3 oh honey, I'm so sorry. I know how hard it is to lose a furbaby. I still miss our sweet Samantha.

Posted by: girl at June 15, 2007 02:55 PM (FnQDN)

4 That blows. I'm sorry.

Posted by: Jen(aside) at June 15, 2007 03:01 PM (u973k)

5 I'm SO sorry...it must hurt. I'm thinking of you.

Posted by: wn at June 15, 2007 03:01 PM (RF5nC)

6 I'm sorry.

Posted by: wRitErsbLock at June 15, 2007 03:04 PM (+MvHD)

7 So sorry to hear that. A definite shock.

Posted by: Elisa at June 15, 2007 03:06 PM (AlPvn)

8 Sending a virtual hug your way. So sorry for your loss.

Posted by: sarah at June 15, 2007 03:07 PM (QZvKF)

9 I'm so sorry.

Posted by: lynD at June 15, 2007 03:11 PM (2F9Ak)

10 So sorry

Posted by: Priya at June 15, 2007 03:18 PM (AhbAM)

11 Oh no, I'm so sorry to hear that.

Posted by: Erin at June 15, 2007 03:18 PM (HQy7k)

12 so sorry about mumin. i know you adore your animals. hugs to you.

Posted by: becky at June 15, 2007 03:19 PM (jv5jW)

13 Hey Sweetie... I haven't commented for a while (and I left Munu, too), but I'm still around and I hate this for you. I remember when you were waiting and waiting, and me along with you, for them to get "home" to you. I was so glad when they finally got there... And, now... my heart is breaking for you and Munin. Only six... poor baby. But, at least she got to have you for a Mom and she got to live a life free of pain, cruelty and loneliness. I wish ALL animals could have that much, ya know? Still... this is so bad... man. One of the best differences between animals and people (and there are many) is that when you lose a furbaby, you can go get another one. Not that you're replacing the love you lost... you're just giving another animal a love-filled home and helping to heal your own broken heart a little. You should do that, if at all possible. It'll make you feel better to laugh at a kitten's antics than it will to just have that hole in your heart. Tell ya what... At the risk of getting my own ass kicked, if you can't get yourself another cat right now, I'LL get another cat FOR you. (Like I need another cat. I have 22 now. And, yes... I live on a farm. I also have 5 dogs, a parrot, a parakeet, two rabbits, two roosters, a hamster, a duck, and two horses.) But, I'll get yet another cat and name her Helen, then when you come to the States next time, you can come see her and while you're distracted by the calves or my own zoo, I can slip her into your bag and off ya go. And, by the way... any idea whatever happened to that bear that was being sent hither and yon? Lukka? Wasn't that his name? Anyhoo... I haven't said it before, so I'll say it now... Congratulations on the babies. I'm sorry you're having a rough time with things, too. You've wanted this for as long as I've known (of) you and I wish it could be every bit as much of a wonderful time for you as possible, but... I'm just sorry that it isn't. (For what it's worth, I think he'll be more okay with this than he thinks he will be... You're BOTH stronger than you know.) And, again... please accept my deepest sympathies for the loss of your Munin. You'll not be crying alone... Hugs on ya, Hon.

Posted by: Stevie at June 15, 2007 03:32 PM (xIy59)

14 I'm very sorry to read this, H. Poor little one

Posted by: Opal at June 15, 2007 03:34 PM (Us7dd)

15 Oh Helen, Im so very sorry for your loss. I know some people don't get the realization that losing a pet really is like losing family in some way. But we just lost our Springer Spaniel Watson. And I never thought I could weep that hard over a pup. He truly was my baby. Hugs!

Posted by: Terry at June 15, 2007 03:41 PM (h/YdH)

16 I'm so sorry Helen - She was so pretty.

Posted by: kimmykins13 at June 15, 2007 03:45 PM (HUKlZ)

17 Helen - I am so sorry. I lost my dog of 15 years last summer and it just sucks. Take care. Laura

Posted by: Laura at June 15, 2007 03:49 PM (U1yF0)

18 Oh, Sweetie, I am so sorry. Tears in my eyes as I write this. I know how hard it is to lose a furry friend. Take care of yourself and Maggie.

Posted by: sophie at June 15, 2007 03:57 PM (1HOa8)

19 That you couldn't even say goodbye. To someone so dear and loved. Life sucks, sometimes. It really does.

Posted by: Hannah at June 15, 2007 04:01 PM (5w+E2)

20 So sorry about your cat. I lost one (just due to old age, she was 20) I had to have her euthanized....it was the most painful thing I have ever had to do. Losing a pet just plain sucks....

Posted by: Ruth at June 15, 2007 04:04 PM (Z+Upq)

21 I am so very sorry to hear about Mumin, Helen. *hug* You're in my thoughts.

Posted by: Michele at June 15, 2007 04:05 PM (fcaMV)

22 I am so, so sorry about your beautiful girl.

Posted by: Marian at June 15, 2007 04:10 PM (7ZiKm)

23 I am so sorry.

Posted by: gatorgirl at June 15, 2007 04:16 PM (Ss17x)

24 I'm so, so terribly sorry, Vanessa. You are in my thoughts.

Posted by: Kimberly at June 15, 2007 04:31 PM (v57BG)

25 So very, very sorry to hear this. I wish I could send you a big cup of zen - I know you need it now more than ever.

Posted by: cursingmama at June 15, 2007 04:31 PM (PoQfr)

26 The moon will rise, the sun will set, you dear Mumin we will never forget. Sorry to hear of your loss.

Posted by: kb at June 15, 2007 04:39 PM (FpAR+)

27 I'm so sorry.

Posted by: selzach at June 15, 2007 04:56 PM (hUsVX)

28 There's so much that I want to say, but all of it will come out wrong, except I'm sorry. I love reading stories about your pets.

Posted by: Tif at June 15, 2007 05:17 PM (jCFyL)

29 I'm so sorry for your loss.

Posted by: Melissa at June 15, 2007 05:23 PM (G9Mq2)

30 Helen, my deepest condolences on your loss. {{{Hugs}}}

Posted by: pam at June 15, 2007 05:31 PM (l6NIn)

31 So sorry, honey. So very sorry.

Posted by: donna at June 15, 2007 06:12 PM (w5MUl)

32 "No cat dies whose memory lives on".

Posted by: Sigivald at June 15, 2007 06:12 PM (4JnZM)

33 I'm so sorry.

Posted by: Katy at June 15, 2007 06:14 PM (APxTs)

34 I am terribly sorry for your loss, Helen. I cannot think of anything further to add, really.

Posted by: RP at June 15, 2007 06:47 PM (op1yW)

35 I have no words. *sobs*

Posted by: Margi at June 15, 2007 06:51 PM (VD4KO)

36 So sorry for your loss. You were blessed to have Mumin. She was fortunate to have you.

Posted by: Foggy at June 15, 2007 07:05 PM (WlHuv)

37 I have four cats that I absolutely adore. I am so sorry - and send a BIG cyber-hug......

Posted by: suze at June 15, 2007 07:08 PM (BmSw7)

38 Only 6 years old - that is much too young. I lost my tuxedo cat when I was pregnant also. He was 13 and I still thought that was way too young.

Posted by: paula at June 15, 2007 07:14 PM (FlZPw)

39 My heart breaks for you, this was so sudden. Much love to you all and I'm sorry.

Posted by: Lindsay at June 15, 2007 07:45 PM (mHNC3)

40 I'm so sorry.

Posted by: Lisa at June 15, 2007 08:00 PM (e8V7B)

41 How horrible for you. I am so sorry. Oh, Mumin.

Posted by: ilyka at June 15, 2007 08:00 PM (Z0tlR)

42 Oh, Helen, I'm so very sorry. Poor Mumin.

Posted by: Amanda at June 15, 2007 08:26 PM (ay+rD)

43 Aw, fuck. I know that particular epithet doesn't sound very tasteful considering the circumstances, but its the first thing that came to mind. It was the first thing that came to my mind last time I lost a beloved pet. With everything else going on in your life right now, this just isn't fair. I'm so sorry. Few things suck worse than losing your pet. All I can say is cherish the memories you have of Mumin and the good, loving home that you provided for her the past six years. And I truly hope that things improve for you on the other fronts. (big warm hug)

Posted by: diamond dave at June 15, 2007 08:27 PM (/0/gH)

44 What can I say that others haven't? I am so very sorry.

Posted by: kenju at June 15, 2007 08:48 PM (DBvE5)

45 Oh dear god. I know it hurts. I lost my baby two years ago to bone cancer and I still hear her dog tags from time to time. Hang in there.

Posted by: Jilly at June 15, 2007 09:01 PM (vy163)

46 Damn Helen. Just damn.

Posted by: Serenity at June 15, 2007 09:02 PM (QLpkT)

47 Oh my god. So, so sorry.

Posted by: Teresa at June 15, 2007 09:37 PM (G+cTk)

48 Awwww...I'm so sorry Helen. We had a similar experience with our pug...he was the first dog our vet had ever lost on the table due to anesthetic. It was such a shock. I know nothing can make it better...so...put your arms around your belly and hug the lemonheads.

Posted by: Tracy at June 15, 2007 09:51 PM (zv3bS)

49 My heart is breaking for you! I am so sorry. I wanted to share this piece of writing with you. It comforted me when we lost our darling cat Curdie in 2004. We still miss her. ________ Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge. When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge. There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together. There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable. All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor; those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by. The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind. They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent; His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster. You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart. Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together.... (Author unknown)

Posted by: Flikka at June 15, 2007 10:29 PM (puvdD)

50 oh, I'm so sorry.

Posted by: belledame222 at June 15, 2007 10:55 PM (PF+Lo)

51 I am so sorry for your loss.

Posted by: trainy at June 15, 2007 10:56 PM (vd8uz)

52 Helen I am so, so sorry.

Posted by: Laura at June 15, 2007 11:01 PM (FFBkP)

53 Helen I am ao sorry for your loss. my deepest sympathies Raul

Posted by: raul at June 15, 2007 11:40 PM (NHSi1)

54 My deepest sympathies Helen!

Posted by: kali at June 16, 2007 12:23 AM (rrNYS)

55 I'm so sorry to hear of the loss of your beautiful kitty!

Posted by: Camino at June 16, 2007 12:31 AM (iHvW9)

56 So much like the loss of our Rottie Wolfgang. He was 10 and never sick ever and suddenly had such an issue I raced him to the clinic where they rushed him into surgery and told me it would be quite some time..... they called about 20 minutes later. He had a tumor and never made it through surgery. My husband still cries, 11 years later whenever we talk about it.... I am so sorry. Pet love is so painful. Love is so painful but it is worth it. Truly. Because the times without pain are so beautiful. Trust the times without pain....it is so worth it. you know that.

Posted by: gemma at June 16, 2007 01:01 AM (2c4NM)

57 Jesus, what a shock. I feel so sad and can't begin to imagine how you and the rest of the family must be feeling....sending just a lot of heart to you right now.

Posted by: nikoline at June 16, 2007 01:06 AM (IoXKu)

58 Oh, Helen, that's truly terrible. I'm so sorry. Poor Mumin. I've been thinking about you a lot lately; try to be gentle with yourself in the midst of all this hardness.

Posted by: Wildly Parenthetical at June 16, 2007 01:35 AM (rG4u9)

59 It's been too long since I've commented, sorry it has to be to say "I'm so, so sorry." (((hugs)))

Posted by: taughnee at June 16, 2007 02:09 AM (MDlY5)

60 I am so sorry for your loss. Big hugs to you.

Posted by: Sarah at June 16, 2007 02:47 AM (+e6O/)

61 *Gasps!* So Sorry to read this, sending much sympathy.

Posted by: deeleea at June 16, 2007 03:06 AM (IphB3)

62 How awful. I lost my baby Lola back in September...I miss her everyday. (((((Helen))))) Big Hugs!

Posted by: Heidi at June 16, 2007 05:54 AM (VHQxn)

63 Sorry this has to be my first comment here... Sorry to hear of your loss...*hugz* please be strong. And Mumin. I hoped you are being loved and hugged and all happy, at that somewhere.

Posted by: Sue at June 16, 2007 06:49 AM (YtMYu)

64 ~hugs~

Posted by: Mia at June 16, 2007 08:54 AM (U8iy9)

65 So sorry for your loss.

Posted by: Hilary at June 16, 2007 09:48 AM (y+t9G)

66 Fuckety fuck, I am so sorry Helen, my god. You cant catch a break girl. I know how you love your baby kitties. smooches

Posted by: Cheryl at June 16, 2007 10:05 AM (msF2q)

67 You were blessed by Munim; she was fortunate to have found you.

Posted by: Foggy at June 16, 2007 11:30 AM (yhH4r)

68 Hugs. Lots of hugs.

Posted by: dee_guerra at June 16, 2007 12:04 PM (kO0ms)

69 Adding my sympathies to the group...what a beautiful creature she is.

Posted by: Donna at June 16, 2007 06:57 PM (lQSbL)

70 My husband just caught me crying. Funny how I've never met you...but I cried for your loss. My sympathies and prayers.

Posted by: nukeum at June 16, 2007 09:10 PM (YNzbt)

71 (((((((((((((((((((Helen))))))))))))))))))))))

Posted by: That Girl at June 17, 2007 03:55 AM (Mc2V9)

72 I'm so sorry for your loss. Lots of *hugs*

Posted by: ~Easy at June 17, 2007 04:02 AM (X+de8)

73 Thinking of you today. {{hugs}}

Posted by: Lisa at June 17, 2007 05:26 AM (e8V7B)

74 Words are inadequate. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Posted by: Mia at June 17, 2007 02:17 PM (+2lQc)

75 Oh Helen; I'm so sorry. I have been through this myself; I know how it feels. It's awful. I loved it when you shared in your blog about your cats; I'm such a huge cat lover myself. I used to wonder before I had kids if I'd still love my pets as much after the kids were born and yes, I did. I know how much you loved your Mumin. My best to you all at this time.

Posted by: the Other Amber at June 17, 2007 04:01 PM (zQE5D)

76 Such a beautiful, beautiful cat who you surrounded with love all her life. Wishing you peace Helen at a very sad time.

Posted by: Anna at June 18, 2007 12:21 AM (eUPBt)

77 So sorry, Helen.

Posted by: sara jane at June 18, 2007 01:40 AM (UKxjN)

78 I'm so sorry for you... that's a heartbreaker. I've been there more times than I care to think.

Posted by: sue at June 18, 2007 07:06 PM (WbfZD)

79 losing a furbaby is a special kind of suckage. i'm sorry for your loss.

Posted by: jade at June 19, 2007 01:27 AM (K5QHz)

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Four years ago today I started writing this blog. I remember the day well actually - I was sitting at my desk at Company X, the desk with the view of the atrium, and I didn't have much going on at work. I'd heard of blogs and knew a little bit about them, and in an impulse moment I decided to start one of my own. I opened an account on Blogger, sat there thinking for a minute, and then started writing (from work, which is naughty and something I never do now.)

I don't know how I came up with the name Everyday Stranger, but it just came (little did I know at the time it's also the name of a San Francisco band. I like to think I came first.) I wanted to get across, to the random person who would find my site, that I'm just an everyday person you pass on the street. I'm like any other person out there, someone you may never talk to or meet, but one of many people you rub shoulders with on your commute, at Starbucks, on the airplane. I'm ordinary and anonymous, and like any other stranger I pass in and out of your life and leave no mark behind.

I didn't know where my blog would take me. I think the anonymity of it was what attracted me - I could talk, I could talk about things I shouldn't talk about, and no one would know it was me. I could let things out of myself that would horrify and shock and no one would be there to stare across the table at me with disdain. The quirks, mistakes, foibles, and fuck-ups that I am composed of could have a voice.

I think I was pretty surprised when I found out people were reading. I am still surprised. What surprises me even more is that some people have been around a long time - to name a few, I found a comment here from Loribo that goes back to June 2004. Sarah first popped up in October 2003 when I confessed I knocked the cat off the bed with my knockers. People that I care about have been around a long time, longer than some of my real life friends.

It's important to me that people read here, not because I'm a glory hound, but because it actually makes me feel more human. Human as in "in touch with life". That these random thoughts and punctual nightmares are things others may think, feel, or experience helps me understand that maybe we all have issues, insecurities, and laughs, they're something that can bring people together. I am human (and I need to be loved). I don't always respond to comments but I read them all meticulously and I wonder about your life and your experiences, too.

I think blogging has helped my confidence. Recently I've decided (honestly and truly this time, not like all the other false starts I've had) to try to go about getting published, and I'm adding a second track to that in attempting to try my hand at writing a regular column for something in print (I'll get back to you at how successful that is.) With two babies coming more income is going to be needed, and badly. I'm hoping in some way to augment our income with selling writing, if that's possible. If I'm being foolish and kidding myself and I'll simply meet with the pointy stick end of rejection which will cause me to wear Band-Aids labelled "You Suck. Stop Trying To Play With the Big Kids Now", well, there's always blogads (which I'm putting back on the site this weekend.)

A lot of people who started blogging the same time I did have dropped by the wayside. You burn out, your situation changes, you get discovered...I think for some blogging is something that, when the need is filled, you stop. I feel pretty proud of myself in some small way. I've been writing on this site for four years today, an act of commitment which is now longer than either of my marriages (how embarrassing it is to say that), my time in college, and my relationship with Kim. The only things, in fact, that have lasted longer than this blog are my love for Angus, my time outside of the U.S, my girls Maggie and Mumin and my desire for macaroni and cheese.

So I have a pretty committed relationship with my blog. We're at the "it's ok to fart in front of each other" stage. I no longer complain when it leaves its boxer shorts on the floor every morning. I even give it the remote most of the time.

I'm not quitting, and although I do take a time out every once in a while when my going gets too tough to write it all out at once, I do appreciate and love my little space here. It's not going to change the world. But it does help me.

So four years today.

I think that's something.

I could get all introspective and shit, but then I do that pretty often and you're probably very used to that (to the point where you may often scream "The mirror! She does not have two faces! Now move the fuck on!"). But suffice to say that there's been more living in these past four years of my life than in the entire rest of my life combined. And it's amazing to me to be able to look back and see, in print, the journey that my life has taken. Yes that sounds incredibly cheesy. But it's been one hell of a ride.

And if you'll excuse me now, Mumin is clearly very unwell and we're off to the vet.

-H.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 07:21 AM | Comments (34) | Add Comment
Post contains 974 words, total size 5 kb.

1 Best wishes for Mumin. It sounds cheesy but it's important to me that people read. Not because I'm a glory hound or anything but because it makes me feel more human. Yes, I definitely hear that. It's a connection in a too-often isolating world. It's only the cynics who think it's all about glory. Good luck with the paid writing, not that you need me to wish it to you. When I say "good luck," I'm really saying, "Talent's all there already; now, may someone with the keys to the vault only take a few seconds to value it."

Posted by: ilyka at June 15, 2007 07:39 AM (Z0tlR)

2 Congratulations! You brighten my days with your writing, so I see no reason why you couldn't get paid for it. I think it's a real talent. Tell Mumin to hang in there!

Posted by: Marian at June 15, 2007 08:09 AM (B+qrE)

3 Ok, I won't go all figuring out my feelings on your blog. Scary enough, though, reading your blog is still important to me. I find myself rooting for you. Congratulations on 4 years! And I hope Mumin feels better!

Posted by: Hannah at June 15, 2007 10:34 AM (5w+E2)

4 Congrats on sticking it out for 4 years, and good luck with writing for profit (I'm sure if anyone can do it, you can). Poor Mumin; I hope there is nothing seriously wrong.

Posted by: kenju at June 15, 2007 11:11 AM (DBvE5)

5 Congratulations. Have been reading this blog everyday for about three and half years now. Its incredible!

Posted by: Priya at June 15, 2007 11:14 AM (jOXWL)

6 Please don't stop...You and your truth are a big part of why I live....

Posted by: LarryConley at June 15, 2007 11:27 AM (i+7Rd)

7 4 years? That's all?? It seems like longer than that. I guess I fall in to the catgory of long-time readers and bloggers who fell by the wayside after getting outed. It has been interesting to walk with you on your journey over the last few years. I've said frequently that yours has always been the first blog I read every day, and that "Everyday Stranger" is the bar for quality that I hold other blogs, and my own to. That's still true today. Good luck with the writing, and everything else in your life. I'm looking forward to hearing about whatever you want to share.

Posted by: ~Easy at June 15, 2007 11:34 AM (X+de8)

8 Happy Blogiversary! I've been reading your site for probably 3 years? But I think it took me like a year or more before I left a comment. (I'm such a lurker!) I hope things with Mumin are alright, and good luck with your writing career!

Posted by: Erin at June 15, 2007 11:57 AM (HQy7k)

9 4 years! That is something to be proud of! I think this summer will mark 5 years of blogging for me, but when I look at my blog, I don't know what the hell I've been writing about all this time. Your blog has real, heart-felt content which is why I love it. Keep it up, and best of luck with your writing ventures! Oh, and I hope Mumin is OK too!

Posted by: geeky at June 15, 2007 12:22 PM (ziVl9)

10 Hey Helen, congratulations on four years! Reading your blog has got me to thinking repeatedly about the possibly of starting my own blog, but I am too chicken. Since discovering you from Plain Layne/Rambling Rhodes I make sure to visit every day that I can.

Posted by: amelia at June 15, 2007 12:22 PM (L2+hh)

11 Has it really been 4 years? Man, time has flown. Of course, I'll probably be saying the same thing about myself come July when my Blogiversary happens... Happy Blogiversary!

Posted by: amber at June 15, 2007 12:24 PM (HCbA1)

12 Helen - You help me start my day and I greatly appreciate it! Thank you.

Posted by: ne at June 15, 2007 12:27 PM (t5Xsa)

13 Happy Blogiversary! Yours is the first blog I check each day. I can't remember anymore how I found it, but I was hooked from the start. You don't hold back and write honestly and beautifully about your life. I hope everything's OK with Mumin. And a hug for you.

Posted by: selzach at June 15, 2007 12:32 PM (51n96)

14 Happy anniversary! Can't exactly remember when I started reading. I think late 2004 right after I moved over to the UK and was looking for insight into others expat experiences. Anywho this is the one blog I read without fail everyday so you definitely have a talent for writing. xx

Posted by: Lee at June 15, 2007 12:39 PM (lN4Rc)

15 You have come a long way baby from those dark days in Sweden! and it would not be a morning without checking in on you. I go off and on again with Xanga have been for about 4 years as well, I am back on for awhile anyway. Take care

Posted by: Cheryl at June 15, 2007 12:49 PM (msF2q)

16 Happy Blogoversary!

Posted by: donna at June 15, 2007 12:51 PM (w5MUl)

17 Still here! Not going anywhere! Like so many others, I begin each day with you - so your trip absences kinda throw me! Thank you for sharing your life and your writing with all of us. The laughter, the angst, the work stresses, the Starbucks, the cats - all of it. Happy Blogiversary from all of us

Posted by: loribo at June 15, 2007 01:42 PM (MY7JG)

18 Happy anniversary! I have been lurking for a couple of years. I really enjoy your writing. You make me laugh and cry at the same time. This site is the first place I go every morning. Maybe some day you will share this with the lemonheads. Jilly

Posted by: Jilly at June 15, 2007 01:43 PM (vy163)

19 Happy Anniversary! I don't remember how long I've been reading either, for sure. Must be at least 3 years now, though, maybe a bit more. I wish you all the success in the world at getting paid for writing; I think you write beautifully. Like many others, your blog and a cup of coffee are my some of my first daily necessities. I hope Mumin is not seriously unwell and will be just fine soon.

Posted by: Lisa at June 15, 2007 02:36 PM (e8V7B)

20 I am not ashamed to admit that part of my day would be very empty without your blog. Happy Anniversary! And I truly hope Mumin is well. I am keeping my fingers and toes crossed.

Posted by: Teresa at June 15, 2007 02:41 PM (xTu8h)

21 Congratulations on the blogiversary. I hope Mumin is okay. I've been a daily reader for -- gosh -- probably 3 years. I rarely comment, because usually someone else has already said it so much better. Do you still consider yourself an anonymous blogger? Do people you work with know that you blog, and is that a concern? You've written about the fallout from your family's reaction to the blog, but they sound like they would've complained regardless of what you wrote or didn't write. Knowing what you do now, would you have taken greater steps to protect your identity and/or privacy? Cheers, lynD

Posted by: lynD at June 15, 2007 03:03 PM (2F9Ak)

22 Im a fairly new reader (7 months or so)..... And I find myself oddly attached to you and your blog. You're very real. You're very human. We have things in common to some extent. And I believe that if we were to know each other, I'd love to be your friend in real life. Happy Anniversary!

Posted by: Terry at June 15, 2007 03:36 PM (h/YdH)

23 You have become so much more than an Everyday Stranger. You are real and authentic - a daily read for me. I've read for a really long time (horrible,horrible lurker that I am) and truly admire and appreciate the honesty in your writing. Really don't think you are going to have any problems getting published!

Posted by: gatorgirl at June 15, 2007 04:04 PM (Ss17x)

24 H~ I've said it before and I'll say it again. You are the first thing I do when I get to the office (read your blog that is...not do you..lol) I've been reading your entry's since the beginning. You make me smile and feel happy that there are people out there like you.

Posted by: Tiffani at June 15, 2007 04:56 PM (Up2JA)

25 It's important to me, too. I feel you. And I've never stopped being here, for the record.

Posted by: Jennifer at June 15, 2007 05:18 PM (jl9h0)

26 Obviously you're not an everyday person I'd pass on the street. I love you too much for that. You mean the world to me.

Posted by: statia at June 15, 2007 08:07 PM (lHsKN)

27 Happy Anniversary - like many of the others here the first thing I do every morning is read your latest update with coffee in hand. You add perspective to my life and give me new ways to see the world and for that I thank you. As for the money thing, Dooce makes her living 100% out of her blog - could you do the same? It might be worth contacting her to discuss (email me if you don't know who I'm talking about). xx

Posted by: Flikka at June 15, 2007 10:25 PM (puvdD)

28 Happy anniversary Helen! Your blog is an automatic read for me. I found out about you when the horrible subway bombings occurred. Someone, and I can't remember who, linked to your site since you are an American living over there. I never comment (bad lurker) but read faithfully. I hope Mumin is okay.

Posted by: kali at June 16, 2007 12:22 AM (rrNYS)

29 Helen, Yours was the very first blog I discovered and started reading regularly a few years ago. While I've added a few more to my list since then, yours is still the first one I go to when I hop online. Your writing is consistently excellent and I'm so happy for all the good things that have come your way over the years I've been reading. Happy blog anniversary!!

Posted by: Camino at June 16, 2007 12:27 AM (iHvW9)

30 Congratulations! Like so many others who've written here, I read your blog every day because for me, it's exactly what a blog should be - genuine, touching, funny and so very insightful. Thank you for sharing so much of yourself with so many. How can you be a stranger, when so many of us, laugh, cry and suffer with you? Speaking for myself, I may not know you, but I care very much what happens to you. And I only want the best for you.

Posted by: Linda at June 16, 2007 12:48 AM (1vD55)

31 *using a shortcut* ditto what Linda said! well, mostly. I stop by once or twice a week, but I feel just the same way she describes. It does seem kinda strange - the bond one feels with you when reading your posts - but then the strangeness passes and one feels quite glad to read a new post. Thank you very much for sharing. and thank you linda for expressing the thought so succinctly.

Posted by: J.M. at June 17, 2007 06:48 AM (TsXw6)

32 Congrats, my dear. ((HUGS))

Posted by: Mia at June 17, 2007 02:20 PM (+2lQc)

33 I rarely comment but I have been reading you since Nov. 2003. It is weird, actually. If I go a week without checking in on you, I miss you like a late phone call from my family. Or, once I saw a stuffed animal in a store which reminded me of that silly Bear, i forget it's name, which I signed up to received through your blog, but which never landed in the Blue Ridge Mountains. Yet, I thought of you. And now you are having babies, just at a time when my own children are growing and soon to leave the nest. Four years doesn't seem like a long time, but when reading someone, really it is. I think I follow your blog because of your authenticity. Thank you for sharing your humanity--

Posted by: Marie at June 21, 2007 01:19 AM (FUOcs)

34 Happy Anniversary. For the record, i've been reading you since Don Watkins' "Great Blog Wars" where he fought for your honour with Jim of Snoozebuttondreams. Happy 4 years, and here's to as many more as you have fun with! T

Posted by: Tommy at June 21, 2007 03:41 AM (6CCYI)

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There are a lot of things you've been learning about life. This is what you do, you're a ball of tape that rolls and bounces and picks it all up as you go, and from time to time you check the adhesive to see what's on you, how it all adds up. Recent stock-taking would have you happy as you see what's settled on the surface-love. Security. Hope. Your recent liking of avocados. Amazing shit.

But sometimes the floor falls out from under you and despite the fact that you are well on your way to getting that healthy mental bill of certification, the one with the gold seal and watermarked signature, you are not prepared enough to handle some of what comes your way.

You started IVF because it was so desperately important to you to be a mother. He wasn't so keen to be a father again but agreed to do it for you, with you, because it was so important to you. You didn't know at the time, you should have checked the small print, that "agreed" does not imply graciousness. Agreed means reminding you on a regular basis that you have ruined your collective lives, and by "agreement" that means you are expected to sit there and take it since you are solely and utterly to blame.

You knew that you would be different to the other people out there, see. You knew you'd not have a partner desperate to get home and pat your stomach. You knew that joyously creating a nursery was out of the question. That's not what was in the cards for you, it wasn't even available in the deck. But you didn't know that you would get constant negative reminders of how angry he would be. You didn't know, not because you don't pay attention because you always pay attention, but because you didn't understand that success would mean such pain.

You knew that he didn't think pregnant women glow. He told you that, and to some extent you agree. Pregnant women are simply pregnant. What you weren't clear on is that he wouldn't find you attractive. You, this person that supposedly is what makes his blood run rampant, are now something he can't find attractive. It's a difficult one when you don't generally find yourself attractive either, but you always have done with him. You may not be classically beautiful but there's something about his reaction that makes you feel like a beauty, only that's missing now, too. You tell yourself that can come back and in the meantime you cover up.

You spend a lot of time trying to solve problems. With every new problem thrown up at you, you try to find a way to resolve it. That's what you do. And that's wrong, too.

You can't buy anything. What you have bought you have to remove from sight because he says it may jinx things. There are things you thought of buying but can't because he says they're gimmicks, you can make do without. Your mother had problems with baby things. You remember it, in that fucked up memory of yours, you remember her saying We have to hide the baby things, it makes him angry. The four things you've bought are removed from sight, too, because they depress him. Years later you were there when she said a big regret was not having someone in her life to share the joy of pregnancy.

You didn't know that you would repeat the patterns.

You are filled with anger at the fact that you can't even feel this way without them reading about it, too, because you live in a bubble.

You knew that he isn't a baby person. This isn't such a bad thing, you know others that aren't mad about babies. Some people think of babies like I do, like little tulips that smell of extraordinary things, that are a tremendous amount of work but the small weight of them is worth it. Some people look at babies as an inconvenient stage to childhood, which is where they get interesting, when they have opinions and reactions and give you cause for laughter. You knew that he isn't a baby person but you didn't know that he thinks of babydom as a great big black pit of despair, you thought it was a point in development that he simply didn't enjoy.

And all of these things so far, you can take them. It's really hard and you have screaming in your head but so far you can cope. Pregnancy will give way to you getting your body back, babies grow into opinionators that he will enjoy more, and you have hope.

But sometimes it's too much to bear. Your defense mechanisms are non-existent just now, you're at the point in your therapy when your defense is being built up, it's going to be that your defense is to believe in yourself enough to handle what comes your way. So when he tells you that all he can see for years to come is black darkness, you have to try to pull it together and be there for him. But when you hear that you are not even something that he looks forward to in the future, you lose it.

You offer not a hint of light.

All that you thought you offered - love, laughter, sparks and magic...it's just bullshit. It was nothing. You offer not even a single match to light up his darkness. The only positive thing in his future is building an extension which will take his mind off of you and off of his babies. You, who are naive and stupid enough to believe that your faith in him and in your relationship can get you through any black times, that how you feel about him will get you through hard times because it has before, now know that you're not enough for him. And when you ask why he doesn't just leave now, why would he want to be with someone he doesn't look forward to being with, you're told it's because he cares about you and he has a sense of responsibility.

And you have become that 1950's housewife, one without sparkle and magic, one who is an obligation and a duty, not a joy.

He tells you he hopes you prove him wrong, that you prove you will be something to look forward to. Although it never once occurred to you that you wouldn't be yourself when the babies are born (you'll still want to curl up next to him and still want to hold him and still bounce around and still buy him Fruit Rowntrees as a surprise) it gets added to the list of Things You Must Do. You now have to prove yourself to him. Again. You feel you need to reassure him that his fears are of course justified, it's worrying to think that one may slip in priority with the arrival of two babies but you have absolutely no doubt at all in your heart that how you feel about him is unwavering and limitless, that even on the nights when you're knackered and sleepless the hold he has on your heart is unchanged. And you honestly believe that to be true. You have to prove him wrong, and while you do so you have to know that you're now not a person to look forward to, not anymore, and you were a fucking self-righteous idiot to ever think that you were.

You know he's angry and scared and nervous. You are too. You know that maybe some of the things he says are being tempered by his fears so they're not coming out right. You had a fantastic holiday weekend in Scotland, you were close, so you hold on to that and to the fact that he often comes through for you. You cry a lot and feel lower than you have for a very long time and all you can see is darkness now, too.

You love him very much.

You can see he's depressed and he knows he's depressed, but he's not moving on from it, he's not anywhere but in the middle of the depression, embracing it, he's not trying to see a way through it in whatever small steps that emergence can come from. You know how that is. You hope he will try, soon.

You are torn into little shreds feeling like you are something not worth looking forward to.

You are 20 weeks pregnant and your stomach is a hard ball.

So is your heart.

You keep going because that's what you always do and that's the only choice that you have.

-H.

Comments are closed because I won't have anyone saying anything remotely negative about him. Don't email me trying to offer advice or opinions. Please. I really need some space just now.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 04:07 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 1492 words, total size 8 kb.

I was there
CÂ’mon and tell me I wasnÂ’t worth
Sticking it out for
Well I was there
And I know I was worth it
Cause if I wasnÂ’t worth it
That makes me worse off than you are
But donÂ’t lose sight of me now
DonÂ’t lose sight of me now

Chantal Kreviazuk, Under These Rocks and Stones

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 07:02 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Home now.

Event over and we didn't win but that's ok, you can't win them all.

I left the event early actually-when we arrived at the ballroom it was hotter than fuck in the building because the air conditioner crapped out. Although we complained there was nothing that could be done, so about 400 of us sweated it out. As one of only a handful of women bedecked in shoulder baring clothes I had it easy-I was half-naked in a wispy dress. We fared much better than the menfolk, as they were cinched up in their penguin suits. And when I say it was hot in that room, I'm not exaggerating in the least. The men had their handkerchiefs out and continuously moving to mop up the sweat (I really felt bad for them, I can't imagine facing that kind of heat while wearing both a tie and a dinner jacket). I wasn't so great either-my makeup did a runner, I had sweat rivulets running down my legs, and the heat did nothing positive for The Lemonheads, as I swelled up to roughly the size of something that Japanese commercial fishermen would be keen to throw a harpoon at.

In the end I'd run out of time before the event, so I wore my hair down with a slight wave in the back.

Here's me (with a colleague, whom I've cropped out):

And me in the bathroom with bad fluorescent lighting and cut off at the waist (I only had a second before someone else came in to the bathroom, and there's nothing weirder than seeing someone with a camera in the toilets):

I have to confess - and this is not because I'm looking for contradictions or compliments, because I'm really not - but I didn't feel all glowy and floaty and dreamy. I felt sweaty. I felt swollen. I felt huge. I felt I wasn't remotely attractive, I was just pregnant.

I enjoyed spending time with my team though, even if I didn't get to partake in the guzzling of the copious amounts of free champagne. While we were melting into a pool of liquid goo a nice older man came up to talk to my team. He was the absolute typical enigneering type-greying, glasses, bow tie askew and black pen marks on his white tuxedo shirt. He introduced himself as James and asked us about our project. He knew a lot about it and had a lot of information, and I jumped in and gave my opinion about various things.

My hands kept twitching to fix his bow tie, as it was completely askew.

He asked more questions.

It literally was on the tip of my tongue to ask him if he wouldn't mind if I fixed his tie (I had even licked my lips and inhaled to push the sound out of the sound box) when they called us out of the sweat box ballroom to move us into the dinner room for the meal and the awards. James promised to stay in touch with us and our future projects. I liked the chap.

We sat and had some starters, and then the first presenter went up to talk.

I saw with a start that the speaker was James.

Only he isn't just James, he's Sir James. As in Landed Gentry James. As in "gives off air of doddering geek but really has sums of money so vast I can't even comprehend them" James.

I was awfully glad then that I didn't fix his tie.

There are a lot of things I have gotten used to living here in England, but as long as I live I will never get used to the idea of mingling with men who have been knighted. It's just too much for my tiny brain to manage.

Anyway, we're off this evening on Angus' birthday celebration - taking the sleeper train up to Fort William (Scotland) then a few days tooling around the Hebrides before taking the sleeper train back home again.

I'll see you on Tuesday.

-H.

* Quote from Good Morning, Vietnam.

PS-London's 2012 Olympic logo sucks donkey balls. I could've put a crayon between Gorby's paws and he'd had done a better job than that.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 10:40 AM | Comments (12) | Add Comment
Post contains 731 words, total size 4 kb.

1 I think you looked lovely! Sorry you and the Lemonheads were nearly broiled in the heat of the room though. Sir James and his crooked tie made me chuckle; quirky knight can wear his tie however he likes, I suppose. Have a great time in Scotland! Can't wait to see pictures. I enjoy seeing so many great places by traveling vicariously through you.

Posted by: Lisa at June 06, 2007 01:43 PM (e8V7B)

2 You looked gorgeous, but I understand completely about just feeling pregnant. As much as I loved carrying my two children, I did not love being pregnant. You did look beautiful though, and the hair was perfect. And knighted chaps-I can't wrap my tiny brain around that either. The logo-ummm, yikes.

Posted by: Teresa at June 06, 2007 02:46 PM (8RXy8)

3 I hate to be the bearer of bad news (well, obviously not, since I'm going to anyway...) But that hot, swollen, big, sweaty feeling? As you get to months 7-9? It pretty much doesn't go away. My daughter was born in January, and I had the windows wide open through most of December - I was so hot. And big. And...at one point actually called my mother because my ankles had gone missing.

Posted by: Tracy at June 06, 2007 03:52 PM (zv3bS)

4 you looked lovely! Good thing you didn't go for curls, as they would have been down in an instant in that heat and sweating. Have a lovely Scottish weekend, and I couldn't agree with you more about the logo! I think you should submit a Gorby original if they do take it back!

Posted by: caltechgirl at June 06, 2007 04:22 PM (qPLLC)

5 You look beautiful, really. Glad you enjoyed.

Posted by: The other Amber at June 06, 2007 04:26 PM (zQE5D)

6 You looked wonderful, Helen. I love the dress!

Posted by: Amanda at June 06, 2007 05:01 PM (ay+rD)

7 Now, see? That's the funny part. Because you FELT pregnant and sweaty -- you LOOKED GLOWY. Beautiful and glowing. Funny how that works, hey? Happy Schmurfday, Angus! Enjoy Scotland (I'm soooooooooooo jealous.)

Posted by: Margi at June 06, 2007 05:25 PM (eDayd)

8 You looked Hubba-hubba, as they used to say! That logo is really odd.

Posted by: kenju at June 06, 2007 05:55 PM (DBvE5)

9 I was at a marketing workshop yesterday when the talk turned to the new logo. The consensus? It looks like Lisa Simpson going down on Bart. And they paid 400,000 pounds for that? Bring on Gorby! Paul

Posted by: Light & Dark at June 06, 2007 09:20 PM (I58Kg)

10 And I have no doubt that the gentleman will remember you.. (or have a staff member who will remind him) if you meet again. Once you spent time talking to him.. somewhere there is probably a picture with the notation.. 'Everyday Stranger: Good looking, American accent, knows her stuff in industry Gerbils, Knocked up.. ' Well not in THOSE words but.. Robert Heinlein wrote a book called 'Double Star' which deals somewhat with the inner workings of the life of a major political figure ME

Posted by: LarryConley at June 07, 2007 03:47 AM (Cx0V5)

11 You look gorgeous!

Posted by: sue at June 11, 2007 04:19 PM (WbfZD)

12 I thought you look gorgeous for a preggy girl. Absolutely :-)

Posted by: Lisa Y at June 12, 2007 05:39 AM (iNpy3)

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OK, so tonight I have another awards prsentation formal do, in which I am staying over in London for and needing to put on the Ritz a bit, so to speak. I've bought an inexpensive new dress seen here (it's the chocolate strap dress. And yes, even though it's not ideal I'm wearing strappy black heels with it because I can't be assed to go buy a new pair of shoes for a dress that I'd better not have to ever wear again and generally speaking I never wear brown. Plus I'll be in a room full of male engineers, and it's not like a few of them won't be mismatching things in their tuxes as well.) It's a comfortable dress and it's inexpensive, which was important-I hopefully won't be fitting into maternity clothes this time next year, so even though it's a black tie event, this should be a one-shot for the dress.

It'll be my first "unveiling" to most folk since getting knocked up, and I'm definitely visibly showing now.

I'll also be around the infamous tummy rubbers tonight, but at least with strappy shoes I can do damage to anyone coming near me.

I tried the dress on last night. I felt like a beached whale. And I still have 18 more weeks to go.

So here's my dilemma. I have no style sense, as you'll generally find me in pajamas and a ponytail. I'm also absolutely, completely, 100% hopeless at doing my own hair. Seriously. I think the French twist is very elegant but I can't even do that. And I completely forgot that I will be having hair to contend with so I didn't book a hair appointment (besides, if I can't be assed to buy new shoes and I LOVE new shoes then there's no way I'm addressing the hair).

My question, and I need your advice-should I wear my hair up in a very, very simple updo or should I wear it down (and if down, then straight or curly)?

Thanks in advance for any style guidance you can offer.

Love,
The Fashion Hopeless

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 07:06 AM | Comments (19) | Add Comment
Post contains 359 words, total size 2 kb.

1 Isn't the rule that with shoulders exposed you can wear your hair down? I couldn't swear to it, but being a wee bit stylistically-challenged, I tend to remember things expressed as 'rules.' And I like your hair with that slight wavy thing it does when it's down. But... erm... perhaps you should trust someone else's take?

Posted by: Wildly Parenthetical at June 05, 2007 07:26 AM (rG4u9)

2 Down and straight. Looks wonderful on you and should go good with the dress. But then up looks classier... Argh, sorry, I'm not much help, I guess. Good luck!

Posted by: Hannah at June 05, 2007 07:40 AM (lUH62)

3 Since the dress is strapless- wear your hair down. It won't look as busy that way, and you won't have to deal with half-fallen hair by the end of the night. I wouldn't wear it curly... maybe slightly wavy. have fun! and, we want pictures!!!

Posted by: Andria at June 05, 2007 07:46 AM (Oo4k1)

4 Down is easier and it can't go wrong during the evening (down being the default setting for hair). I'd go with down. I'd also go with straight over wavy.

Posted by: Caroline M at June 05, 2007 08:20 AM (x3QDi)

5 well I am going against the trend and saying UP. I can't remember when but you had it up with some tendrilly bits around the front in a pic I remember (Black dress, god, not sure when) I am also hopeless at up dos myself, but can usually manage a rough bun type thingy with some grips and hairspray.....it usually looks its best at the end of the night when its all softened! Have fun and poke out the eyes of those ITR's!!!

Posted by: SuperSarah at June 05, 2007 08:24 AM (Av/OU)

6 I say down, but, go for a few curls

Posted by: Katy at June 05, 2007 10:42 AM (Ww0l+)

7 You may wear your hair in the way that is most comfortable for you. With a strapless dress, hair down is completely acceptable and adds cachet, but I would avoid a lot of jewelery at the neck if you choose hair down, let the hair do the accessorizing. I do find that pregnant woman/hair up draws more attention to the belly, and if you want to avoid rubbing (good god I can't believe that people actually have the gall to touch you!) then draw attention away from your middle and up to your face. Hair straight or slightly wavy seems to be the preference with your other readers, but again, if you don't feel like doing the full blow-out, then some curl would be fine. What you don't want is to have to pay any attention to your look once you're ready to go out the door; you should be completely comfortable with your choices.

Posted by: Hilary at June 05, 2007 12:03 PM (K+Gxl)

8 I personally like your new shorter and curly style, I would just wear it naturally curly and down, you are a pregnant woman you can do whatever the hell you want to! Take care sweets

Posted by: Cheryl at June 05, 2007 12:49 PM (msF2q)

9 My vote is for hair down with the strapless and, with your new, shorter hairstyle, the natural, wavy look will be perfect.

Posted by: karmajenn at June 05, 2007 01:02 PM (OUTBp)

10 I think definately down and not wavy or straight. Put some serious curl in it and add body. You can never go wrong with this do. Believe me...............I style hair and love to do up-dos but simple is more beautiful sometimes!!!! Good luck!

Posted by: Jessica at June 05, 2007 01:29 PM (ii/lW)

11 Down works for me! Good luck with the tummy rubbers.... grrrrr...

Posted by: sue at June 05, 2007 01:29 PM (WbfZD)

12 I believe fashion rules were only made so they could be broken. Black with brown is perfectly acceptable in my book, and as far as the hair-go with nature. You have a gorgeous head of hair, and add to it the sexiness of "pregnancy hair", so down and natural is the way to go. Wash it and let it air dry. You will be stunning-as always.

Posted by: Teresa at June 05, 2007 01:53 PM (MEzoo)

13 That dress is really cute! I wish I could offer some advice, but I'm still trying to figure out what I'm going to wear and what I'm going to do with my own hair for my mother-in-law's retirement dinner tonight. I can't do hair either, so when it doubt, I leave it down. Your hair is gorgeous curly! I would do that with my hair if I could, but that require using a curling iron, and that would only end in disaster.

Posted by: geeky at June 05, 2007 02:36 PM (ziVl9)

14 Beautiful dress. Nothing to advise as for the hair; you'll look lovely whichever way you wear it. Enjoy!

Posted by: The other Amber at June 05, 2007 05:17 PM (zQE5D)

15 take advantage of your new layers, curl 'em up and let your face glow. Love love love the dress. I bet it looks faboo on your skin!

Posted by: caltechgirl at June 05, 2007 05:32 PM (qPLLC)

16 "you'll generally find me in pajamas and a ponytail. " Go ahead, set a new trend. Formal pajama wear. And bunny slippers & a teddy bear to accessorize. Then again, calling me fahion challenged would be a compliment ;-)

Posted by: ~Easy at June 05, 2007 07:06 PM (X+de8)

17 I vote for curly and flowing around your beautiful face and shoulders. I'm prolly to f'n late, tho, huh? LOL

Posted by: Margi at June 05, 2007 07:29 PM (A/6f4)

18 up in a fairly severe style, makes you look thinner, adds height, and severe makes the rubbers stay off your tummy. Black shoes with brown is fine, there is no rule about that at all as long as they match your purse.

Posted by: Donna at June 05, 2007 09:30 PM (1l5v4)

19 I'm sure to be too late to vote - but I would love to see a pic!

Posted by: kenju at June 05, 2007 09:41 PM (DBvE5)

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I was recently asked by someone to sum up how I feel about the NHS care I receive here in England. I remember living in the States and, except for that radical period I went through where I read up on foreign cultures and politics as a way of back-stopping arguments I had in my Anthropology 101 class (which was really a collection of beatnick hippy anthro students like myself and a load of Texan Ride 'Em Rough conservatives who took the course as a liberal arts elective and then spent their time banging on about Bibles, shotguns, and Old Glory), I really didn't think a moment about how other countries handle their social structures. The Dobe Kung were as relevant to me then as the Finnish political system.

What the hell was I thinking getting a degree in anthropology, anyway?

So how do I find the NHS care I receive here?

In a word: Excellent.

I know this will wind people up, but frankly I don't give a shit. I tire of reading diatribes of people that like to bash the UK health system because it's-oh my GOD-socialist. "Socialism" is uttered in the States like a bad word, it's on par with assuming that McCarthyism is relevant and the government is out to take your paycheck which they will use to color the world a new Dulux color of pink. It annoys me when I read articles from writers who have never been in a socialist health care system and they decide they have to fight the evil and support truth, justice, and the American Way (I don't read bloggers who bash health care because those aren't the types of blogs I read.)

Having socialist health care isn't a way of debasing truth, justice, and the American Way. If you are happy with your health care here it doesn't mean you have a tattoo of Karl Marx on your ass, it simply means you're happy with your health care here. I'm not a communist, but as someone who's been in socialist societies for 8 years now, I can see there are elements of them that work.

My past saw me born and raised as an Air Force brat. I was truly immersed in the most patriotic of cultures, in a culture which you didn't question and you were completely and utterly supported from a health, schooling, and housing perspective. I have to say that our health care wasn't the best, not because military doctors aren't good because a lot of them were, but because we moved every 2-4 years and the doctors moved every 2-4 years and it was therefore impossible to build up a doctor-patient relationship in that respect. I think because I never knew what it was like to go to the same pediatrician I saw when I was an infant to when I turned 18 that I am ok with how things operate here, too.

Doctors in America can be fucking fantastic. They really can. You have an amazing amount of choice and expertise at your fingertips, as long as you have access to a reasonably metropolitan area (you're not likely to find a world-renown oncologist in a town of about 600 people.) I honestly had some incredible doctors while I was there.

I also had to pay for them.

When I was in college I had to resort to that status quo of being at patient of the university health care system. Whenever you had anything wrong with you, you were presented with two options: STD and pregnancy testing or Prozac. Clearly the only things wrong with you were the clap or depression. Once I broke two of my toes and still had to convince the doctors that no, I swear for the fourth and final time that I've never had an abortion, now can we please address my broken toes?

I went to the clinic because I had to.

I couldn't afford anything else.

I remember once they prescribed me some antibiotics for a cheerful bout of bronchitis I had. When I went to the pharmacy to pick them up I found that the pills weren't covered by the clinic. I had to walk away without the pills, because I simply didn't have $130 to pay for the damn things. What average college student does?

When I first started working I had what I called Health Care Lite. I was allowed to see a doctor but only if I called the insurance company, spoke to a barking dog-like administrator and convinced her that yes, the bleeding out of my ears really wasn't a good thing, at which point I would get a clearance code to see a doctor from an approved list (and they were always too busy to see people) and I could only have certain prescriptions should they decide medication could stop the hemorrhaging from my aural canals.

I remember my ex-sister-in-law going to give birth at Parkland Hospital because, as she explained, it was a county hospital so they couldn't come after her when it was time to pay the bill. She couldn't afford health insurance and a healthy baby's birth came to a cool $1000, money they didn't have.

We lived in the land of hope and plenty, but not for healthcare for the poor.

I did at one point have really good health insurance. Towards the end of when I lived in the States I was making a fair amount of money (and working myself to an early nervous breakdown.) I worked for a very large company that potentially did care about its employees, and so I had a $10 copay (I had to see my general physician who would refer to me a specialist if I needed it, and it could be any specialist) and a max £1000 a year on meds, at which point they were free after that. My care was excellent. Among the treatments I had was my skin cancer doctor, who was professional, kind, and absolutely excellent.

For the privilege of being able to use this service I paid $400 a month from my paycheck (and again, this was 1999. Costs have surely gone up since then).

And that was just for me, I remember a colleague talking about how much it cost to pay for 4 members of a family, and the costs were frightening. I wondered how he could afford it. Looking at my situation now, of myself, my partner, two stepkids, and a set of twins on the way, I know I could never pay for healthcare there like I did when I was a single woman. When that company laid a lot of us off, I took off to Sweden while a lot of the families searched for jobs and looked at COBRA, which was prohibitively expensive.

Sweden was my first view of socialism. In Sweden, everyone who wants a job can have one and everyone who needs a place to stay can have one. It doesn't mean there isn't unemployment (as I know only too well) and it doesn't mean there aren't homeless, because there are. But there is a lot less of both unemployment and homelessness than many other places. Medical treatment in Sweden is free (unless it's something elective like plastic surgery) and prescriptions are very cheap, with a limit on how much you have to pay per year (it used to be 1300 SEK).

If you are sick in Sweden you go to the hospital. Very few people have a family physician, they're an unusual entity. The hospitals aren't beautiful-enormous concrete structures that are about as soulless as it gets. Most of the doctors aren't Swedish but come from Eastern Europe or Asia and sometimes following either their English or their Swedish is a struggle. I'll be honest-I found that the care is ok there, you will get seen if you are ill, but don't go looking for a cuddle if something is wrong with you. They're not into that. They don't love you and if you don't get better, that's too damn bad (Angus has said similar about his and his kids' experiences in Sweden). They're also not big on medication-if you're ill suck it up, medication is an enabler. If you're truly ill, take a paracetamol (Tylenol). If you're verge of death then-and only then-will you be seeing the business end of a prescription. In general, unless you're chronicaly ill, medication is not that common (I know this. I had a sigmoidoscopy administered without anesthetic. Really makes for an eye-opening experience, I tell you.)

Swedish health care will make the ill better but it won't be a pretty process. They are also seriously intolerant of heavy drinking. I remember once going to the hospital to get stitches in one of my fingers and seeing beds of bleeding passed-out drunks in the hallways. I asked about them and was told that they would be attended to when they sobered up, but not before. This was their punishment. I sure was glad I only had a sliced finger, not a sliced finger while I had been out on a bender.

Compassionate mercy, maybe, is something not included under that particular brand of health care.

When I moved to England I got an NHS number around the time I got a national insurance number (like a social security number). Here you sign up at your local GP's office and you see them when you have a problem. If they can't help you they send you on to a specialist, a process which (in our area) takes a few weeks. The hospitals themselves tend to be soulless, concrete buildings. You tend to have to wait a while before it's your turn.

But I've had great care here.

Doctor visits are free (except for fertility treatments, which do cost, as do, I imagine, plastic surgery and things like that). Prescriptions have a maximum cost of about £6. And while it's true that in some areas of the country they have really, really long waiting lists to see doctors (Angus' dad needed a hip transplant and was looking at a 6 month wait, so he paid for the surgery out-of-pocket to jump the queue), in our area if you're referred to a specialist I've found you'll be seeing one in about a month or two. If you're willing to pay for the service or have private insurance, you can move ahead in the queue. I do have private insurance through work, which costs me about £50 a month, and it covers both Angus and myself. I have used it approximately once, to see a hand specialist about the trigger finger I had. I jumped the queue by 30 days by doing so.

It's true we pay a fucking load of taxes, way more than I did in the States. In Sweden I think I paid around 40% in taxes. It's less than that here but it's still a hell of a lot of tax. But I personally think that the health care I get in return is worth it. If you're sick you see a doctor. Maybe it makes me a bit pink, but I don't think it should matter if you have money or not, everyone should have the right to health care. We can't all be judges, lawyers and stockbrokers, blue collar workers get ill, too. Just because I support social egalitariansim doesn't mean I'm out to rape the Constitution.

People say a lot of bad things about socialism. Socialism isn't the source of all evil that it's said to be, if you're in a socialist country it doesn't mean that Big Brother is looming over your shoulder. I understand that when the railways were under government control they were generally in better shape than the privatized nightmare they are today. Socialized health care is, I think, equated with shoddy doctors and crappy service. But in the three years I've lived here I've had nothing but good care. My doctors are kind and knowledgable. I get seen when I'm ill. I may have a wait for a specialist, but if I need one then I will be seeing one at some point.

Yes it's true that in our geographic area we have better health care than in other areas, and it's true that in some areas there aren't enough doctors and not enough clinics, but I think in some part that's due to doctors being lured off by bigger grander pay in other countries. It's also true that the NHS is apparently running out of money and looking at how to handle health care. There are debates it should be privatized (which I am against) and debates on how to pay for things. Angus' brother thinks that people should have to prove their financial earnings before they can have access to service, but I think his view on that is full of shit. Elitism makes me weep.

People who haven't lived here can trash the health care all they want, but unless they've lived here they simply don't know how it works, and supporting a socialist health care system doesn't make you Red. I get to see a doctor if I need one and it doesn't cost me anything. I get a prescription if I need one, and if it's a fancy antibiotic all I will pay is £6.

No one can tell me that the doctors here don't care and don't try, because I've yet to find one that has let me down. And when I had to go to the hospital bleeding all over the place and miscarrying last August, the doctors were kind and held my hands. They spoke in gentle voices and offered support. They had answers. They spent as long as they needed to talking to me and discussing options with me.

And that, in my opinion, is good health care.

-H.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 10:09 AM | Comments (18) | Add Comment
Post contains 2323 words, total size 13 kb.

1 Very interesting post. Thank you for your insights. But it seems to me that the crux lies in this line: It's also true that the NHS is apparently running out of money and looking at how to handle health care. If that is the case, why would our country (the US) consider adopting a model that is not economically sustainable? I think that is a main concern of many Americans. As is the 'jumping the queue' thing, which makes money the determining factor in quality (speed) of health care, just in a different way than we have now. But thank you for the time you took to write this. And for writing every day. I enjoy it. Good luck with the babies!

Posted by: Amy at June 04, 2007 11:13 AM (I9LMv)

2 Amy-Yeah, you got me there. I have no views on how funding the NHS should take place, other than looking at how they handle admin and promotions (which is apparently inefficient on both sides.) I've heard the U.S. is bandying about the idea of taking an NHS-like system, but I doubt that will ever happen. For the jumping the queue part, well-private insurance is pretty rare, so it doesn't happen often. Just like most people can't afford an out-of-pocket hip replacement, so that's rare too. But I do take your point.

Posted by: Helen at June 04, 2007 11:25 AM (2nilo)

3 I am sure you will hear this more than once today: the medical system is socialist in Canada too, and there are other options here that allow you to pay for some things or "jump the queue" (complaining nonstop is one of them). Our (Conservative) gov't has been investigating moving away from the purely socialist system to more private health care, ostensibly because of the costs involved. In an overall picture, the costs involved are bullshit. We also do pay high taxes, and without going into a full description of how money is handled at the federal and provincial levels in this country, the money isn't the problem. The money is there, it's just being re-routed. That being said, everyone can see a physician when they need to, and anyone can go to the hospital any time for treatment. There are wait times. You don't pay out of pocket to see your family physician, but you might not be able to get one if you live in The Sticks because doctors don't want to go there. You don't pay for non-elective (plastic surgery and a few other things) visits. Sometimes drugs are expensive, but not if you have extended health care or if you're over 65. It's not perfect. No system is perfect. Tommy Douglas (Keifer Sutherland's grandfather) is the "Father of Socialized Medicine" in this country, and he'd be ashamed of what it's degenerated to and what the current block of feds is doing with the system. One thing though, you will never be denied care. Most of the time the doctors are excellent, but again, no one is perfect. Sorry about all this writing, but health care makes me rant.

Posted by: Hilary at June 04, 2007 11:35 AM (3yCot)

4 It seems to me that the profit margin has to be removed. The problems arise when the stockholders are held in higher esteem than the patients

Posted by: ~Easy at June 04, 2007 12:04 PM (X+de8)

5 10 years ago I was dead set against social healthcare, but now I'm not sure there's any way around it. Until this month, I was paying $1,200 A MONTH for medical coverage (not visits, just premiums) for a family of 4 (I have a history of skin cancer). I recently got a new policy and am now only paying $950/month, and we have a $25 payment anytime we go to the doctor. I'm paying more for medical premiums than for my house payment (on a 4 year old 2200 sq ft house on the outskirts of a sizable city); and that includes property taxes and homeowner's insurance. I don't like the idea of nationalized healthcare just on principle, but I think the gov't may need to assist people based on their income. It seems like there needs to be some cost for regular visits or people will go to doctors for piddly reasons.

Posted by: Solomon at June 04, 2007 01:09 PM (x+GoF)

6 Having the comparison case is really, really interesting. My own experience with the US health care/insurance system is ... interesting. I was on grad student insurance when I had a 25w3d preemie. Our insurance was capped at $100k per "incident" - and anything related to her prematurity was considered the same incident. Her room & board for 89 days in the NICU & special care nursery was $289k - that doesn't include any doctors or radiology or anything else. Thankfully the combo of her "disability" (based on her birthweight) and our grad student poverty meant that we qualified for MedicAid, which we had absolutely no complaints with. (Well, except that they make it bloody impossible to STOP receiving MedicAid and SSI...)

Posted by: Sarah at June 04, 2007 01:31 PM (VMuXG)

7 I can't even get started on health care-it is still too early in the morning. All I know is something here in the States has to be done. I don't know if national health care is the answer or not, but I do know that in$urance bigwigs control things over here, and that ain't right. This is a really interesting post, and I am glad you are happy with your healthcare. It does really make a world of difference.

Posted by: Teresa at June 04, 2007 02:27 PM (D8TLu)

8 The US healthcare system is about ready to implode upon itself. But then again, healthcare in every country rides a slipery slope, don't you think? It takes money to get the best care and best technology available. It has to be funded somehow, right? It's my opinion that every human being has a right to healthcare regardless of their ability to pay (all those Public health and sociology classes taught me well)...and I'm sure that the doctors I work with would shutter to hear me say that. But then again, in the US healthcare system the charges for care and technology is abused; it's a bold statement but as a person who works in an ICU/CCU, I've wittnessed it first hand. This is what contributes to the high costs of healthcare here, and couple that with the high cost of malpractice they have no choice I guess then to pass it on to the consumer. I work for a hospital and for a single person my monthly premiums are stupidly high, that doesn't include my co-payment before I see the doctor or the co-insureance bill I recieve after care has been administered. Don't even get me started on Rx costs. They got us all by the short hairs here.

Posted by: Heidi at June 04, 2007 04:20 PM (IlSaL)

9 The US healthcare system is about ready to implode upon itself. But then again, healthcare in every country rides a slipery slope, don't you think? It takes money to get the best care and best technology available. It has to be funded somehow, right? It's my opinion that every human being has a right to healthcare regardless of their ability to pay (all those Public health and sociology classes taught me well)...and I'm sure that the doctors I work with would shutter to hear me say that. But then again, in the US healthcare system the charges for care and technology is abused; it's a bold statement but as a person who works in an ICU/CCU, I've wittnessed it first hand. This is what contributes to the high costs of healthcare here, and couple that with the high cost of malpractice they have no choice I guess then to pass it on to the consumer. I work for a hospital and for a single person my monthly premiums are stupidly high, that doesn't include my co-payment before I see the doctor or the co-insureance bill I recieve after care has been administered. Don't even get me started on Rx costs. They got us all by the short hairs here.

Posted by: Heidi at June 04, 2007 04:21 PM (IlSaL)

10 I had a sigmoidoscopy administered without anesthetic. As did I. I wasn't given any other option. To be fair, I didn't have anyone to drive me home and I would have chosen the non-anesthetic option regardless. However, it was a decidedly unpleasant experience, one which left me feeling disgusting and dirty. Also, because they pumped so much air in to make the viewing easier, I kept farting the rest of the day. Lots and lots of little hissing fanny burps that didn't stop until sometime in the middle of the night. Good times, good times.

Posted by: physics geek at June 04, 2007 05:25 PM (MT22W)

11 Great post and great comments. As physician in the US system I can honestly say I think our system is the best in the world. As a consumer and a reasonable human I can honestly say the US system needs to undergo some fundamental changes. My health insurance costs little over $2,000/month for a mediocre policy. And lucky to get an policy. Is socialization a la the NHS the solution? Not sure as different societies place different values on various attributes. An example is coronary artery bypass surgery. Success rates are similar in both US and UK- on the surface. On data analysis one learns death rate in UK does not reflect the waiting list for procedures that would be done ungently if not emergently. Result is "sicker" patients done in US never make it to surgery. Another example is hip replacement surgery vs treatment for metastatic lung cancer. UK system will treat the lung cancer and place hip on extended waiting list. For same dollars to treat one lung cancer patient with no real meausuable benefit on life length could treat many many hip pateitns with replacment returig them to productive pain free ilves. Bottom line to me seems to be allocation of resources. And who gets the dollars. Chances for meanigful reform are I fear slim thanx to the insurance lobby. BTW my eldest grand daughter was born in a Irish NHS facilty in Dublin. The care daughter and grand daughter recieved was first class. And I monitored very critically.

Posted by: Foggy at June 04, 2007 07:08 PM (WlHuv)

12 It's interesting to see it from your perspective. The government is increasingly keen to pay the private sector to provide healthcare because the NHS doesn't have the capacity. I struggle to see how they will gain capacity if they carry on that way so surely the private sector will get ever more involved. That happens to be good for me as I work for a leading private healthcare provider (not in any kind of clinical role). Is it good for our society though? I don't think it needs to be a bad thing as long as a line is drawn somewhere. One of the greatest things about living in this society is that no sick child need remain untreated just because his parents don't have the money. I believe every first world country should provide free care for children.

Posted by: mrDan at June 04, 2007 08:39 PM (+yD63)

13 i wish more people from the states understood NHS. i have worked in both public and private health facilities in the US and see the need for a healthcare plan to fit the needs of all people. it is very sad to see the health of people at young ages who require emergency surgery because of the lack of access to regular treatment. great post. i enjoy your blog!! and good luck with the babies!

Posted by: kate at June 04, 2007 09:20 PM (p3j4e)

14 I think experience with the NHS varies from person to person and with what is wrong with you. I belong to a couple international sites that deal with a couple different health issues. I've seen some pretty awful treatment from NHS, but these are for issues that I would think that healthcare nearly anywhere would make it difficult. PCOS, Fibromyalgia, and weight loss surgery (yes it is a health issue, my duodenal switch saved my life) are the issues I see people have nightmares with. Otherwise, if you are doing pretty standard stuff, I think the NHS does a fantastic job. I just hope that they are able to continue to do so, because money can be an issue. Ontario's OHIP is becoming a gigantic mess and I'd hate to see the NHS go that way.

Posted by: Dani at June 04, 2007 11:15 PM (CD1jr)

15 Just a note there Foggy - Ireland doesn't have NHS. We have a public health system run by the HSE (Health Service Executive). No offence but please don't mistake Ireland and England as the same country.

Posted by: Elisa at June 05, 2007 10:17 AM (AlPvn)

16 For Elisa. Sorry got the name wrong. Should have said the Irish Health System rather than NHS. My daugher was well pleased.

Posted by: Foggy at June 05, 2007 07:07 PM (WlHuv)

17 I meant to tell you how much I appreciated this post the other day, but I got distracted. I think the differences between the Swedish and English systems are interesting. I would guess (and that's all this is, a guess) that when Americans opposed to universal health care freak out about "socialized medicine," it's the seemingly impersonal Swedish system they're envisioning in their nightmares more than the UK one you've described in this post and others. That is, I know I jumped outta my chair at least 3 feet when you posted about that anesthesia-free sigmoidoscopy. GAH! But it sounds like you are very well taken care of by the OB/GYN practitioners (and Dr. Hand Herpes, can't forget him) where you are now. Nothing alarming about that at all.

Posted by: ilyka at June 06, 2007 07:50 AM (EApP5)

18 That's the one Foggy. My sister went through the public health system when giving birth to both of her kids. She could have gone private, but then would have had only one consultant with a LOT of patients. Going public meant she had a team of midwives, plus a consultant who had a set number of other patients. The only thing she didn't like was the noise of the cleaners in the hospital at night.

Posted by: Elisa at June 06, 2007 09:25 AM (6/XCd)

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I went to my GP about my cough.

He told me that I had a viral infection, and recommended the following:

1) Paracetamol (Tylenol).
2) Vicks Vap-o-Rub (I may be the only grown up that loves that shit)
3) Holding my head over a bowl of steam.

Seriously.

Fucking steam.

I looked at him and wondered if he thought I was a choo-choo train.

He said antibiotics won't help as it's viral (I understand that part) and cough syrups are out because the only ones safe for someone in my state have codeine in them, and I'm allergic to codeine.

Steam. I do get that it will help break up the congestion in my head and throat, but seriously-Laura Ingalls Wilder called. She wants her life back.

While I'm at it, I'll make a few poultices up and drink some castor oil.

**************************************

I had to go pick up a prescription, which naturally wasn't ready. When you do IVF, for a period of time after the embryos are put into the female microwave oven in hopes of them actually staying put, you're put on a progesterone supplement. In the States, this is called PIO, or progesterone in oil, which is a shot of progesterone with a needle straight out of Pulp Fiction. Here, it comes in the form of suppositories which you bend over and insert twice a day.

The PIO crowd complain about the needles.

Lemme' tell you-stuffing waxy bullet-shaped drugs up your backside is no picnic, either. Especially because the damn things leak. And they mess up your insides. And for an IBS sufferer like me that has a real phobia about anything relating to the ass, they're even worse because you have to use your finger and push them way up there (the instructions recommend you wash your hands after inserting one of them. In case, you know, it never occurred to you that it might be a wee bit foul to not wash your hands after sticking them where the sun doesn't shine). You can put the suppositories in vaginally but they make one unholy mess and pretty much rule out anyone being interested in snacking at your snack bar unless you've been hosed down with a flame thrower.

If you get pregnant, you stay on the progesterone until week 12.

In the UK, if you're pregnant with twins, you stay on them until week 28 as they help prevent pre-term labor.

In other words, twice a day I have to confront one of my phobias.

And it will continue for another 10 weeks.

This, then, will be the "see what I had to go through" story for my children. It won't be about walking to school 5 miles uphills in the snow, nosiree. It'll be about having to push my finger up my ass twice a day for 28 weeks*.

Now that's love.

**************************************

It's June 1.

I've already bought quite a few Christmas presents for a holiday 6 months away.

Is that weird?

**************************************

Angus bakes the best brownies in the world, ever.

Really, he does. It shames me to admit that my brownies pale in comparison to his brownies.

I'm not big on desserts, and these days I'm off sweets at all really, but the other day I was desperate for one of his brownies, so he kindly agreed to make me some. On of the ingredients in his recipe is cherries, which he soaks in rum overnight first.

I walked in to the kitchen to see him sneaking one out of the bowl.

"I bought dried cherries," he says. "It's not fresh cherry season yet."

"I saw some the other week," I say getting a glass of water. "I really wanted to buy them but felt the price wasn't justified."

"I went looking for the American ones," he says. "American cherries are the best."

And my brain was so full of retorts to that statement that it self-destructed.

-H.

*Yes, it will be worth it.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 06:10 AM | Comments (17) | Add Comment
Post contains 669 words, total size 4 kb.

1 Oh come ON. That Cherry remark was DYING for a good comeback. Mmmmmm Vicks. I like it too. I seem to collect it. I MUST have it on hand durng cold season, and so every year I keep buying more because I have, of course, lost the previous years' jars, right? When we moved last weekend I found 4 jars. I shit you not. 4. Two unopened. Want me to send it?

Posted by: caltechgirl at June 01, 2007 05:34 AM (qPLLC)

2 I'm the other one who loves Vicks Vapo-Rub. If you're congested in your HEAD, such as you can't draw any breath through your nostrils, try some cider vinegar or regular vinegar in the simmering or boiling water. Put your head over the steam and keep trying to breathe in through your nose. It will gradually completely clear. Then you have about 15 to 20 minutes to get to sleep before it all comes back! I have to get up in the middle of the night to do it again. I can't take any of the decongestants because they counteract with my blood pressure meds. And the coricidin cold medicine, MADE for people like me, doesn't work all that well. But the vinegar - baby, great stuff! Congrats on the lemonhead sprogs, can't wait for those cute pictures.

Posted by: Oda Mae at June 01, 2007 05:43 AM (wK887)

3 That's so funny that the Dr told you to use steam. I use vapor rub for steaming my head quite a bit (I get congested ears from allergies which my GP can't really see or do anything with when I do go to her about it). So hurray for steam. And mmm know I want brownies!

Posted by: Juls at June 01, 2007 07:17 AM (3ouud)

4 Look, I know you are joking and all that, but the castor oil? STAY AWAY! Its a (tried and tested) old wives tale that castor oil induces labour. And so at 13 days overdue and desperate, all other bizarre rituals not suceeding (including the hottest curry known to my local Indian, and some sex, it got me into the mess, I damn well hoped it would get me out of it!) I was tempted to try drinking castor oil until a good friend explained that all it actually does is induce desperate tummy cramps and expulsion, which can sometimes coax the uterus into cramping and possible labour. Well, no thank you very much. I might have finally had my baby at 16 days overdue (yes, 42 weeks and 2 days!) but at least I didn't try the castor oil!

Posted by: SuperSarah at June 01, 2007 07:41 AM (udcGR)

5 Vicks is great for many things. Search for it and see if you can find the list of things is is good for - such as toenail fungus and paper cuts and for coughing, you rub it on the soles of your feet when you go to bed, and sleep in socks. Really!

Posted by: kenju at June 01, 2007 11:56 AM (DBvE5)

6 I love vicks too, but I usually accompany a good chest and under the nose smear with a hot shower (gah...steam). Also - the steam thing - if you put eucalyptus oil in the water, it helps. I had the WORST cold of my life while I was pregnant, so I feel your pain. Well, not the PIO pain...

Posted by: Tracy at June 01, 2007 01:09 PM (zv3bS)

7 If the progesterone supplements are called PIO in the states, does that mean they're called PIA over there? You know, for Pain In Ass

Posted by: geeky at June 01, 2007 01:18 PM (ziVl9)

8 A cold while pregnant is the worst-but steam can be awesome, and add a little Vicks to it and it can be heaven. All that coughing will probably get the Lemonheads in shape and rearing to go-I think that is what happened with my son. I coughed my ass off from week 10 to about week 15 and that little shit hasn't slowed down yet, and he will be 6 this fall. Hope you are feeling better soon-and sticking your finger up your ass is never fun, and I am supposing it is much worse while pregnant. American cherries rock Angus, you got that right.

Posted by: Teresa at June 01, 2007 01:59 PM (6zk1N)

9 I had plurosy with my first child's pregnancy... thought I was gonna die... ack. The things we do... and, yes, it IS worth it. Totally. Abso-fucking-lutely. The cherry remark? Priceless. Can't believe you let that one slide... I'm so happy for you all. Cold and everything. You are already such a good mom. Honest.

Posted by: sue at June 01, 2007 01:59 PM (WbfZD)

10 I don't think I said that right - sounded like my first child was pregnant. I gotta learn me some English someday. sheesh.

Posted by: sue at June 01, 2007 02:00 PM (WbfZD)

11 My grandmother always put a spoonful of Vicks into the bowl of steaming water and then we hung over it with a towel over our heads to catch the steam. Must have worked. I know it made us feel better to have someone pay all that attention to us and the smell of Vicks still makes me veery comfortable. It's better than mac and cheese. Hope you feel better soon.

Posted by: gemmma at June 01, 2007 02:24 PM (3NLvC)

12 Okay, since no one has suggested this: look up Neti pot. Seriously. It looks like it is a silly idea - but my congestion/allergies totally clear up after using this little pot. Just a simple saline solution does the trick. I couldn't believe it! Okay, I've de-lurked enough...good luck! C

Posted by: Christina at June 01, 2007 03:36 PM (axrWz)

13 Ditto on the neti pot; Dan and I both started using it a few weeks ago and although it's the worst time of year here for allergies, I'm not using meds this year for the first time in decades. Oh and perhaps you'll get a kick out of this: A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE: "Doctor, I have an ear ache. 2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root." 1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer." 1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion." 1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill." 1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic." 2007 A.D. - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!"

Posted by: The other Amber at June 01, 2007 03:45 PM (zQE5D)

14 You'll be surprised. Run a really hot shower in a small bathroom and the steam really will make you feel a lot better. I hated the progesterone too. Luckily I am off of it now but it definitely is not enjoyable. And you are right, it definitely will be worth it!

Posted by: Jamie at June 01, 2007 04:23 PM (nPqGH)

15 I love Vicks. Va-PO-Rub. Reminds me of my mommy. I even bought some of that vapor bath for babies. I like passing on that tradition.

Posted by: Margi at June 01, 2007 05:43 PM (jfU+M)

16 Rum-soaked cherries in brownies? That's it, I'm on the next flight to the UK, I'm camping out at your place until you GIVE ME A FUCKING BROWNIE!!! Please? At least give me a towel to clean the drool off my keyboard. And Angus' comment about American cherries? Glad I just peed or I'd be doing laundry tonight. Reading posts like this rock my Friday afternoon, especially after work. Keep'm coming! (PS - I like Vicks Vapor Rub too - coming from someone with a chronically stuffed nose.)

Posted by: diamond dave at June 01, 2007 08:39 PM (dfr6d)

17 I like your doctor, and I second the neti-pot.

Posted by: Hobo Stripper at June 04, 2007 03:57 AM (MaYM2)

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Had a meeting with some folk all morning.

My stomach was rubbed.

Twice.

Imagine how pleased I am about that.

-H.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 02:04 PM | Comments (22) | Add Comment
Post contains 33 words, total size 1 kb.

The Lemonheads are moving along. I still haven't gained any more weight than the 7 kilos (15 pounds) I put on in the first 12 weeks, and I know I keep going on about it but I simply just don't look 4.5 months pregnant with twins. The other twin moms at similar growth rates that I see in pics look two or three times my size already. And I do eat, I really do. But the only things that I crave are fruit and Fig Newtons (which Beach Girl and Angela have been kind enough to send over, because the fig rolls you can get here? Not the same.)

We got scanned yesterday, actually. It wasn't planned but based on various symptoms I was showing I rang up the hospital and they said they'd like to see me. So off Angus and I trooped, where we checked in to labor and delivery, and I got fingered by the doctor (I had no idea they check your cervix. Seriously. I'm about as woefully ignorant about birthing as I am about welding. In fact, I might be more clued up about welding. Lemme get my goggles.) Then we got the fun with goo and ultrasound wands as they checked on the Lemonheads.

Both Lemonheads were alive and kicking.

Literally, actually, as Lemonhead #2 was kicking its sibling in the head.

What came out of the hospital visit-besides us seeing the babies, who look more like the Alein bad guy Giger drew than real babies-is that the little Lemonheads, they just keep going. Even with a severe cough that's so bad I've sprained both of my abdominal muscles, they keep persevering (the abdominal muscles are the reason why we got to go to hospital at all.)

Today I'm exactly 18 weeks pregnant. For twins, this means I've met the halfway point. Single babies, they get to party in the uterus for 40 weeks, but twins generally get the eviction at about 36 weeks.

And if I can follow the old cliche, I'd like to say this-I can't believe I've made it this far. We're a long way from being done and are certainly not out of the woods-should something go wrong and I go into labor today, the babies would not survive. But still-I got to see them do Tae Kwon Do in utero, and that's something that will live with me always.

Being pregnant has suddenly opened my eyes to certain elements of how people react. I think it's the case with all pregnancies in that suddenly you are the world's oyster, but with twins you somehow get shuttled into a different category, one in which people's mouths get unplugged from their brains. It's happened again and again and I can tell you a few things that already annoy me:

1) When people say "You'll never sleep in again." or "You'd better sleep now, while you still can!" Actually I will be sleeping again, thanks. The first few months may be a bit sleep deprived but that too shall pass. We're not heavy duty sleepers in this house anyway-although lately we've been sleeping late because we cough all night long and aren't feeling well, we typically wake up around 7 am. If our kids wind up sleeping 7 hours a night soon then we'll all be on the same schedule.

2) When people say "Ooooh twins! You have an instant family!" OK, see, twins are not a Carnation breakfast drink. Yes, twins + adults = typical family, complete with dog, house, and picket fence. But I had a family before I will be having babies. I have a boy and a dog and two pain in the ass cats. I have two stepkids. I have a family, I'm just augmenting my existing one. Saying that NOW I have a family denigrates what I currently have.

3) The big one for me-when people find out it's twins, it becomes all about Angus' sperm.

See, now, I can't really explain why this winds me up so much, it just does. Yes, Angus has fantastic, wall-splitting, super hard-working sperm. We do actually know this, because unlike most men that get to imbibe too much beer and grope the Mrs before landing a little Budweiser Junior in the hot pocket, Angus was offered a sad choice of porn (including, he says, some car magazines, which I find all kinds of strange) and a tupperware container (I begged him to stick his head out the door and shout an inquiry as to if they had any Asian porn, but he refused). So Angus does actually know how his little guys are doing, since we got a print-out result of it.

This is some of the following used to assess an acceptable sperm analysis (as according to the World Health Organization):

Volume:
2.0 mL or more

Total Sperm Count:
40 x 106 spermatozoa per ejaculate or more

pH:
7.2 or higher

Sperm Concentration:
20 x 106 spermatozoa / mL or more

Motility:
50% or more motile (grade a+b) or 25% or more with progressive motility (grade a) within 60 minutes of ejaculation.

Morphology:
WHO Criteria for assessing normal sperm morphology defines the following:
Head:The head should be oval and smooth. Round, pyriform, pin, double and amorphous heads are all abnormal.
Midpiece: The midpiece should be straight and slightly thicker than the tail.
Tail:The tail should be single, unbroken, straight and without kinks or coils.
A minimum of 100 sperm must be counted that qualify the above criteria.

Vitality:
50% or more live.

Also, you shouldn't have any pus in the sperm.

That totally makes you want to swallow, I know.

Angus met the criteria. It's gotta be pretty nerve-wracking for a guy to hear how many sperm were present, how many of them were lazy couch potatoes and how many of them were short bus. But my guy, he exceeded the norms, which for a 45 year-old has to feel pretty good (or for a guy of any age, really).

But upon finding out that I'm packing twins, the general response from my colleagues and, indeed, from pretty much most of the men we know, is this:

Duuuuuuuuuude! Way to go, Angus!

Excuse me? What, it's all thanks to the amazing sexual potency of the man? Do people think his semen has the high velocity impact of a fire hose and I am helplessly plowed into the wall when he ejaculates? No one seems to give a shit about the male aptitude when a woman has a single baby, why is it such a big deal when there are multiples?

I've heard it again and again from other men (Angus, thankfully, is not of the "It's all down to me" category). "Tell him great work!" or "He's really a man's man!" or other such comments along similarly chauvinistic lines.

Let's do a little bit of biology, shall we?

Say I was carrying identical twins (which I'm not). You know how many of Angus' Super Grip Action Men would be used in the fertilization process? One. One single determined sperm. True, the egg would be under attack from lots of swimmers, but two kids will come out of one sperm. It's the embryo that divides (generally speaking. There is an occurance called semi-identical twins, which takes two sperm and one egg, but it's extremely rare).

In that scenario, then, it's my body's contribution that does all the work.

So in our case of fraternal twins-to have our two babies, we need two sperm. Yes, again, there are 400,000 billion all having a stag do in my uterus (or, in our case, a petri dish). But only two are actually used. And as far as eggs go you need two of those as well. So we have equal contributions to what's happening.

In other words, Angus' sperm hasn't rocked the fertility world any more than my eggs have done.

Yet for men this is not essential information. It doesn't matter that good egg quality is a very important issue, too. I am the innocent bystander, the recipient of the incredible fecundity known as the male reproductive system. I am lucky I can catch his virility in a bucket, I guess. Color me blessed.

It's true that almost no one in our real life knows we've been through IVF, and I don't really see that it's any of their business, either. And it's true-my eggs this time were a bit shite (we donated 4 to another woman and so far we're too chicken to find out if it worked for her. The last time we donated eggs the woman didn't get pregnant and I was pretty cut up with guilt about that.) It's true that Angus' sperm were "washed", a process in which only the best and the brightest were presented to my 10 pack-a-day smoker eggs and his Head Boys had to do a lot of work. But I'm a bit pissed off at the resounding good ol' boy back-slapping going on with regards to sperm acknowledgements. Yes, Angus is a great man. Yes, his sperm can unite villages in remarkable peace processes.

But it took two to tango.

I asked my therapist about this, not because I had any emotional angst about this, but because I couldn't figure out what the fuck was up with the "Way to go, Angus!" remarks.

My therapist - a nice older man with 5 grown children of his own - offered me this:

"I know you're not going to like this, and unlike all the other things we talk about, this has no basis in psycholigical analysis or depth. The reason men react that way to Angus has one explanation only-it's because we're men. Generally speaking, we don't do well with emotional situations like this. While women celebrate the pregnancy, men have to connect on a level that other men understand."

"So it's just basically because 'boys will be boys'?" I ask. I wonder if this is when I start practicing my shebonics and burning my bras in protest. I wonder if I can start educating the men around me or, failling that, if a good smack will do the job.

"Sorry, but yes," he replies. "This is how a lot of men relate to each other, you can't change it."

So I guess I'll have to start working on just accepting that this, this is going to be the male reaction to the rest of my pregnancy and, I assume, the rest of our twins' lives. Good thing I love Angus a lot, otherwise the temptation to shout that it's not all about his sperm would be overwhelming.

Today I'm 18 weeks pregnant with the magical love sperm that Angus donated to my egg basket.

I'm doing well so far.

When people ask when I'm due, I tell them that foaling season starts beginning October.

I find that very funny.

So far I'm alone in finding that very funny, but I'll let you know how I get on with that.

-H.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 07:24 AM | Comments (15) | Add Comment
Post contains 1851 words, total size 10 kb.

1 Helan... You have in your lap (literally something you've sought after for a long time.. You have THE home... dogs,cats, cool stepkids, that nice male fellow, and now your own... ::Huzzah!!:: Not only do you probably own every children's movie worth watching... you are a caring loving person who will be your kids favorite person (excluding ages 2-3 and 13-1 in the world..

Posted by: LarryConley at May 30, 2007 10:56 AM (ntinS)

2 Oh I'm not too angry, honest. And I owe a huge portion of my children's films (and gratitude!) to you and your nice post surprises

Posted by: Helen at May 30, 2007 11:05 AM (2nilo)

3 LOL. That is funny. I think its ok for the one going to give birth to say it. But I think if someone had posed the question (say in my eighth month) in that manor, I might have smacked them lol. Oh and when I was pregnant, people really couldn't tell until I was well into my seventh month. But oy,then I really showed! I am so glad that everything is going well with you!

Posted by: justme at May 30, 2007 11:08 AM (PLhEU)

4 One of Adam's co-workers, upon hearing we were pregnant, slapped him on the back and said: "Way to go! Must have been a little extra thrust thrown in there, huh buddy!?" Uh.

Posted by: Teresa at May 30, 2007 01:09 PM (TKarh)

5 People say all sorts of stupid things when they find out you're pregnant, like, "Whatsamatta honey, doncha have a television set?!" or "Don't you know what causes that?" But the one I failed to heed and have ringing through my head when I look at my almost-grown kids was, "Enjoy it now, it'll be over before you know it!" So that's my advice to you. One moment they're born and you're exhausted with keeping up with their needs, then you're teaching them their colors and abc's and numbers, then you're holding them close as they get their first teenage heartbreak then you're watching them graduate. All the time your head is spinning, where did the time go? Parenthood--it's the most wonderfully heartbreaking joyous exhausting thing ever. You'll love it!

Posted by: Julie at May 30, 2007 01:42 PM (2TlT5)

6 Just wait. After their born, you'll get a whole other class of stupid remarks about twins. My brother and I are boy/girl twins, yet I can't tell you how many times we've been asked if we're identical twins. I always offer to draw people a picture to illustrate exactly WHY we can't be identical. I also get the "Can you feel it when he gets hurt?" question a lot too, which I just roll my eyes at.

Posted by: geeky at May 30, 2007 02:50 PM (ziVl9)

7 That was hilarious. I love the names you gave the spermies. And justme is right. Your first baby(ies) dont't show up on the Goodyear Meter because you have really strong muscles that haven't stretched to hell and back. Yet. I remember that, by the time I was pregnant with the third baby, I popped out in a manner of weeks. Call it "muscle memory" if you will. In my case, it was more along the lines of "flabby," but the other sounds better. Aheh.

Posted by: Margi at May 30, 2007 03:38 PM (qd89Z)

8 Too funny. My favorite comment when I announced to my parents I was pregnant (with my third) was "just like bunnies"... Thanks. Really. They didn't say anything when I had my fourth. Glad to hear all is going well. I think guys make those comments just because they're jealous. YOU get to actually carry the baby... they feel they are missing out.

Posted by: sue at May 30, 2007 04:54 PM (WbfZD)

9 "You'd better sleep now, while you still can!" GAH! People said that to me when I was preggers too, along with, "enjoy your time in the hospital because you'll be happy somebody else is taking care of the baby." Okay, One) I hated them saying that more than biting the inside of my mouth accidentally and making it bleed, and, Two) It's not true; I did get sleep at home with my new baby, even if it was at odd times while I got NO sleep AT ALL in the damn hospital. Plus, I WANTED to take care of my own baby! I hated the hospital staff doing it. So there. GAh. People are stupid. As for guys bragging...I chalk that up to the fact they can't get pregnant; they have to have SOMETHING to crow about, you know? So they talk about their dicks and their sperm. It's all they've got, yanno?

Posted by: The other Amber at May 30, 2007 07:40 PM (zQE5D)

10 I can attest to the fact that Margi's #3 made his presence known Very early! And you made ME laugh with the foaling thing.

Posted by: caltechgirl at May 30, 2007 11:06 PM (qPLLC)

11 this entry was pure genius! thanks for making me laugh out loud!

Posted by: SuperSarah at May 31, 2007 01:01 AM (udcGR)

12 Eh, you don't sleep that much in the beginning, but the good thing is that you'll be off, and you both work from home most of the time anyway, so you'll be able to sleep in shifts to a point and yeah, after about three months, give or take, they'll be sleeping in bigger chunks. The bad thing is, the first few weeks seem to crawl, the good thing is, after that it seems to go by at warp speed. That said, I don't think I ever will sleep again, at least not without the help of narcotics, but that's just me. And no matter what people tell you, you'll definitely sleep better right after they're born than you will in the third trimester. The third trimester can suck my fat cock.

Posted by: statia at May 31, 2007 01:18 AM (LxnAA)

13 Well, I think it's funny too. My daughter has twins (now age 11) and they are fabulous - and worth all the jokes and having to listen to idiots who say stupid stuff about sperm, and all that. I am so pleased for you!! Happy 18 weeks!!

Posted by: kenju at May 31, 2007 04:28 AM (DBvE5)

14 Hi Helen! My sister had twins through IVF in 2002, a boy and a girl who are now 4 and totally insane and lovely. She said the same thing, since not a lot of people know she had IVF she got (and still gets) that wide range of comments. The worst one according to her is "do twins run in your family??!" That one drives her crazy! When she simply states that yes, her husband's mother was a twin, they argue about the twins gene being passed down through the mother's side. So then she finally has to go into detail about her IVF (and that's normally to total strangers!) So, in short, you'll get those comments forever!

Posted by: Juls at May 31, 2007 06:33 AM (3ouud)

15 Funny how when things go well in this department the guy gets the credit, but when they don't it's automatically assumed it's a problem with the woman. Humph. I think people say stupid things because they can't think of anything else to say other than what they've heard already. There is a serious lack of creativity in this world. Loved this post, H.

Posted by: Donna at June 02, 2007 01:51 AM (lQSbL)

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The Memorial Dar weekend (we had Monday off here, too) was spent in a flurry of depression over the seriously foul weather (it rained all weekend, complete with gale-force winds and chilly temperatures) and petty arguments over nothing, arguments which cast the house in a gloomy color of mocha. I spent a lot of it hoping to get through the weekend without actually coughing up a lung or forcibly ejecting my uterus out the downward escape hatch, and it seems better today but I remain on the homemade pregnancy approved cough syrup (I do at least sound like a heavy smoker. Or at least I did until I basically spoke in a hazy wheeze last night, but I'm back to heavy smoker sounding.)

There seems to be so much to do, all of it of that level of bullshit that you generally hate doing-phone the bank. Call the doctor. Check on how we're doing on the nursery waiting lists. Ring architects. Book up hotels for our trip to Scotland, all of which seem to be full, and of course when I do finally find one that can take us it's not what was wanted, so apparently I fucked up (again). Work through 1,000 lines of Microsoft Excel in hopes of getting my project moving forward, instead of stalled in technical hell. I'm so endlessly frustrated by thoughts of what I want to write, but which only come to life in brain occasionally, trapped by my laziness and lack of confidence. My "to-do" list is exhausting, and that's without picking up the phone.

That said, I've been striking things off the list so far today. It feels good to get things done (prescription filled, one nursery has a bit of hope, architect will be by tomorrow for site survery, Excel spreadsheet done, I've completely fucking bored you now, etc. But at least it's getting better.

Yesterday the sky was dark and hostile. The wind was bitterly cold and violent-the hammock had gone for a sail across the back garden, the upbeat stripes muddied by the mud-smeared turf. The darkness matched my thoughts.

I walk up to Angus, who is working away at Turbo CAD on the downstairs PC.

"I'm not a very good person," I say quietly.

"Why's that?" he asks looking up at me.

I have been thinking about this. "There's someone I'm supposed to love, but I don't. I used to. Now I don't love them anymore. If I'm supposed to love them and I don't, then that makes me a bad person."

I really don't love someone anymore, it's not me with a knee jerk reaction, it's not me re-visiting the monochrome of my mental illness salad days. I've thought about it and thought about it in my quiet and difficult short bus way of thinking that I have these days. The inside of me is better, so much better I don't even recognize who I used to be, but part of that better means that I have to spend a lot of time trying to figure out what it is I really feel about something.

I have people in my life that I love greatly, that I love so much I don't like to imagine them not being around. This isn't to say that I would die without them, because I don't think healthy love is supposed to work like that. It just means that life without them is more bleak than I think I know how to bear, and I know bleak. Bleak owes me money.

I have people in my life that I like and enjoy. When I'm in their company, I have a great time. I may not think about them all the time and I may not see them often, but they are a happy part of my sidelines, and I like to have them there.

I have people in my life that I don't like. I'd get rid of them, but they're largely in my professional life, and you can't really detach yourself from that. If you work, chances are that there will be someone you clash with.

I have people that I'm estranged from, but still love (how can one not?). This list is short but it exists. Maybe you're thinking I should make up with them and move on, but the estrangement is enforced from both sides-sometimes we all need a little sandbagging to keep our castles from being breached. Some estrangement is necessary for the time being, and although it's sad, it's simply the way it is.

I have a few people in my life that I loathe and detest. This might be bad karma. This might be not a good way of working. It might be best that I don't go near these people or have anything to do with them, and generally speaking, I usually don't have anything to do with them. These people make my ulcer explode and my temper rise. I cannot resist a challenge from them. I don't do well even thinking about them.

And then I find this new category, this new space. Someone from one of my lists has fallen, and fallen hard. I don't love them anymore. It's as easy and as complicated as that. I don't wish them and their family any ill, I genuinely hope life goes for them the way it's supposed to go. I just don't love them anymore, and I don't want to see them again.

This makes me a bad person. I'm supposed to love this person. I used to love this person. This isn't the bitterness talking, something inside of me has shifted. Should I buck the nature of responsibility? Should I say to myself: Gee, you awful bitch, what the fuck is wrong with you? How could you not love that person? What kind of complete waste of human material are you?

Or should I just say: Yeah, you don't love them anymore. Maybe that could be changed or maybe this is just a part of life, only one of those parts that no one talks about anymore? People stop loving people in their lives, even ones they should continue to care about. It happens. It's not something to celebrate, maybe, but it happens.

Angus looks at me. "That person hasn't behaved very well," he says softly. "It doesn't make you a bad person."

But there are places where the darkness seeps that no one can get to.

Not even me.

So I'll write my documents and make my phone calls and listen to my iPod and I will watch the stormclouds roll in over the backgarden and I will know that they rain for me, and for all that I've dried up inside of myself.

-H.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 11:46 AM | Comments (15) | Add Comment
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1 Oh, dear. I think you are a good person, H. And I've met enough bad ones over the years that I feel as if I can tell the difference.

Posted by: RP at May 29, 2007 01:35 PM (op1yW)

2 It's not Solomon is it? : ) Just kidding. If Angus is right, and that person has behaved badly, maybe one day he/she will behave well and make loving them do-able again. You know I love relationship restoration, but I also understand we can't be best friends with everyone. If it's someone you feel like you're supposed to love or would like to love, I hope some day you'll love them again. Speaking of "best friends", whatever happened to "Best Friend"? I haven't seen him comment in a long, long time.

Posted by: Solomon at May 29, 2007 01:36 PM (al5Ou)

3 He's right though, you know. Not loving someone anymore doesn't make you a bad person. It just means you're not inviting them into that part of your heart anymore. It's okay, it's healthy, and it's probably more productive than allowing them to trample all over the most delicate parts of your soul. I don't even know who this person is, but it appears that this is a step in healing for you, so good for you. Progress. Not a bad person. Honest.

Posted by: Lisa at May 29, 2007 01:36 PM (ELUjU)

4 This is the one part of "getting better" that I was not prepared for. There was a time when I thought I would always be sad inside, always having to force myself to feel happiness-that it would not ever be genuine. But things began to change, and I became stronger and more secure in myself-I set boundries and made people respect them. I was healing, and like you said I do not even recognize myself at times. Now the issues I need to sort through is how do I deal with those who are no longer good for me-the ones who bring me down, make me sad, angry-whatever? The scariest thing? How some people that I onced thought I enjoyed-maybe even loved-I can not fucking stand anymore. I was not prepared for this, and it is a whole new struggle. I am right there with ya babe-we can get through this, we have come to far to even look back. That being said, the good thing for both of us is we still love our significant others. In fact for me (and I suppose for you as well)it has made our relationship stronger. I guess things could be worse, although even when the therapist tells me things of this sort it is sometimes just cold comfort. You are so much stronger now, and I love the 'new' Helen. Progress can be a bitch, but hell, it is necessary.

Posted by: Teresa at May 29, 2007 02:48 PM (IGZy3)

5 It is all part of natural progression of life... it doesn't make you a bad person one little smidge. Just makes you human.

Posted by: sue at May 29, 2007 02:50 PM (WbfZD)

6 You're not bad. It happens. When I cut loose from my ex and did some major emotional changes, I couldn't do it with some of the people in my life at that time. They were very bad for my mental/emotional health. So I cut them loose too. Emotions fade and one day, you are surprised to find you just don't care anymore. You're not "bad"; you're just protecting yourself from more hurt.

Posted by: The other Amber at May 29, 2007 03:20 PM (zQE5D)

7 Where is it written that you are "supposed" to love anyone? Even if they scar you and continually hurt you? Where is it written? No where. Even the BIBLE says "honor" thy father and mother. It doesn't say "keep putting up with their crap and let them hurt you endlessly by loving them." We're not from the same generation, dearheart, but it seems we were both brought up on the Rainbow School of Hopes and Dreams where every parent loves their children and all works out in the end. You know what? Sometimes, it just doesn't. And if this person was a hot stove, you wouldn't keep reaching out and getting burned, would you? I know. You would. Until you couldn't take any more. CONGRATULATIONS on making it to that point! You always will be stronger than you realize. This includes cutting caustic people out of your life. I just wish you realized that that does not make you bad - it makes you a survivor. A winner. {{{{ hugs }}}}

Posted by: Margi at May 29, 2007 03:44 PM (BYQiX)

8 Maybe it's not JUST a matter of behaving badly. Maybe it's a matter of you becoming more and more healthy. Maybe, when you/me/the collective universe discovers that no matter what WE do, how WE behave, there are still some people from whom we can never, ever, ever expect any different results. And it is then that the feeling that kept us pursuing the one we "used to love"--begins to dry up--to become a final effort to save ourselves. Until eventually, the husk of that love just blows wistfully away until gone. And we are a little wiser, maybe, and maybe, just a little more healed.

Posted by: Deborah at May 29, 2007 08:08 PM (GOFVL)

9 Sometimes the best thing you can do for misbehaving friends or family members is just let them go. Wish them the best, but don't enable their misbehavior or be their doormat anymore. Especially if they've become toxic to your well-being, or your own personal relationships. You've come way too far for others to drag you down to their level, and you are presently occupied with taking care of yourself and a pair of Lemonheads, as any good mom-to-be should. That doesn't make you a bad person, just looking out for your own best interests.

Posted by: diamond dave at May 29, 2007 09:28 PM (qg3zO)

10 Ya know, I completely understand what you are saying lol. I don't think it makes you a bad person. Because if it does, then I am rotten.

Posted by: justme at May 29, 2007 10:59 PM (PLhEU)

11 I have a cousin. She married a very bad man, did crack on a regular basis, demanded much emotionally and monetarily from our family. Finally, after much pain and sorrow, her fellow cousins, myself included, cut her off. We had to, for our own sakes. Eventually, our cousin dumped the bastard, got clean, remarried to someone who's a little shy around us but who is a very good man at heart, gave birth to a mildly ADD but also incredibly bright son, and is slowly becoming accepted again by her cousins, myself included. Not easy at all, but sometimes, you do what you have to until they do what they have to. My two bits...

Posted by: palamedes at May 29, 2007 11:47 PM (jdXw+)

12 Just like someone who's been through the mill to take the hit on themselves for the actions of others. I am that girl too. Or sometimes I am (still). This is not a reflection on your goodness or badness, just your sense of self-preservation kicking in. *hugs*

Posted by: Donna at May 30, 2007 01:33 AM (lQSbL)

13 I think letting go of some people can actually work out best for everyone in the long run. Now if I could just learn to say no..... PS I might be needing some advice about getting rid of a manky old fishpond!

Posted by: SuperSarah at May 30, 2007 08:31 AM (udcGR)

14 I've gone through something similar...and yet, I am still a good person. And so are you, Helen.

Posted by: Mia at May 30, 2007 09:51 PM (8yLzc)

15 I had a friend in high school who anguished about how he felt about his sister. I finally told him, "She's your sister, you have to love her... but you don't have to *like* her very much." I was speaking in clichés— but it was, after all, high school. But you're an adult, so you know (or should hear) the better answer, which is that love is built on trust, and a lack of trust can kill it dead. If somebody is at that level in your life, then it's a miracle that you still wish them well, and you shouldn't feel bad because a one-sided bridge is doomed to fail. Clichés again...

Posted by: B. Durbin at June 01, 2007 05:01 AM (tie24)

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So we're a bit....um...liberal when it comes to the mechanics involving sex. I don't mean we march around naked (although he's prone to) and I don't mean liberal as in us walking around carrying signs saying "Trotsky simply wasn't committed enough...and blow jobs are life, comrade!"

No, I mean we have always had a very honest, open approach to sex and issues surrounding sex in our household. Maybe it's because of how our relationship evolved, i.e. it was already naughty, let's just throw the rest of the naughty in, too. Maybe it's because we've both been burned and we've both had horrifically bad lovers in the past (this is not a go at his ex-wife or my ex-husband, either. We have had others. Suffice to say neither of us were virgins when we married.) Or perhaps it's simply because we both agree that with each other we are the best sexual compadres in the whole wide world, ever, and as such we can open up the cans of worms (don't take it personally. I'm not insulting your sexual performance. I'm sure you do a great job hanging ten in the double bed.)

Did you ever watch Sex and the City? I confess that I actually did watch it, not because I found what they had going on in their lives remotely relevant to my life in any way, shape or form (prior to the show I thought "Manolo Blahniks" was likely a Sicilian sausage product), but because their one-liners were wicked. They were hideously fast and I'm not that quick on my feet. I think of one-liners hours afterwards, when I'm either on the train home or snug in my bed, and although I get to punch the air with the sudden inspiration of my retort it's pretty meaningless.

Angus and I tend to have discussions along the same lines that Sex and the City did, or at least we do when it comes to sex (I haven't spent $40,000 on shoes. The idea isn't even tempting, and I do love me some shoes.) There's nothing that's against the rules in terms of discussing. There's also nothing against the rules in terms of activities, but that's a different discussion. We don't talk about sex constantly but it does come up, and when it does it's generally in a very matter of fact way.

One of the things which I think sets us apart is the area of fantasies. As in: We have them. I think fantasizing is a very, very taboo subject in most relationships. Fantasies lead to problems. If you dream about someone/something, then it opens the door to questions like: "Am I not enough?", "Why would you think about someone else?", or the worst: "Do I not satisfy you?"

Oh you do, darling, you do. I'd just rather think of John Cusack taking me roughly in a dark alley while we wonder if we will find the nuclear bomb in time to defuse it, thereby saving all of mankind.

Every partner I've ever had has asked me that magical question-What do you fantastize about?

I learnt early on that the correct response is: You, baby. I fantasize about you.

I learnt this the hard way. One evening while having a session with an ex who I'll call the Bunny Humper (I'm sure you can work out why it is I called him that), he asked me that loaded question - What do you fantastize about?

Caught up in the moment, I thought about it before deciding that this would be the moment I came clean. Marie Claire, Cosmopolitan, and Carrie Bradshaw would thank me (Redbook wouldn't, they're a bit conservative for this kind of thing). I decided to come clean with one of my fantasies. "Sometimes, I fantasize about a threesome," I answer.

"...Oh. With people you know?"

"Oh yes."

"Am I there?"

"No."

"So...who's it with?" came the query.

Had I been remotely keyed in and not enjoying the moment of my little fantasy, I might have noticed his pace was now off. Perhaps I would have heard the strained sound in his voice. But since I had the emotional receptivity of a Muppet at that moment, I caught neither. And so I did the unthinkable. I named names. And I even took it a step further...I named the folk and told the Bunny Humper that I thought about them when I had myself a magical play session for one.

In other words, I took his loaded question and I blew our sex life right out of our skulls.

We didn't last long after that.

I had crossed many lines there, you see. Not only did I admit I have fantasies, but I admitted they weren't always about my partner (as far as the Bunny Humper goes, the fantasies were actually never about him.) The real nail in the coffin was that I had a solitary romp in the hay that he didn't know about.

Let's examine.

Fantasies, I think, may imply to people that their partner isn't getting enough out of the bed bouncing. I think a lot of people see this as "What I'm not doing/can't give them/not interested in". But to me a fantasy is just that-something made up. Am I ever going to get John Cusack taking me passionately in an alleyway? No, and maybe that's ok because rumor has it he did Britney Spears and I'm not really interested in going on prophylactic antibiotics just because. I have other fantasies, too, generally involving some element of danger (and I confess an occasional fleeting fantasy that I am Leeloo to Bruce Willis' Corbin in that final scene of The Fifth Element, where they're having sex in that glass box. They had just saved the world, you know. I'm pretty sure that kind of thing gives people stiffies.) Perhaps I fantasize because life can be a bit same-y. Maybe I have those fantasies for the adrenaline. Maybe I have them because danger implies a lack of control, and in a fantasy a lack of control is ok, whereas in real life it's not.

One evening early on in our relationship Angus went out on a limb and told me one of his fantasies.

Instead of feeling upset that I wasn't enough, I found it highly erotic.

In turn I told him one of mine.

We still do this. From time to time we're able to make the other person's fantasy come true. If we're not, that's cool.

And if he tells me a fantasy that doesn't involve me, that's cool, too.

Even weirder is if he names a woman he's fantasizing about. Say he's hot for Susan Lucci (he's not, and I don't think he even knows who she is). He could tell me, describe his fantasy, and I would find it perfectly ok that he's fantasizing about someone else (even La Lucci, who's old enough to be his grandmother.)

The truth is, I don't buy that people only fantasize about their partners. It's not a sign of not loving them enough, of not fancying them. The whole point of a fantasy is that it's something that you don't have in your life and probably will never have. That's the reason for whittling away hours making fantasies up. Angus has me, so he should feel free to occasionally hotly dream about someone else. I can see there's a fine line between "occasional fantasy" and "problem", but we haven't hit that point yet, and I don't think we will.

Which leads me to the other taboo-in a lot of relationships, I think it's not ok to take matters into your own hands, so to speak. No spanking the monkey. No punching the clown. Buffing the weasel is not kosher. Paddling the pink canoe is off limits.

And I do actually know people that say they never rub the unicorn horn. I don't buy that, I don't see how you can go through life without shaking hands with the unemployed, I think it's impossible.

(I'll stop with the masturbation slang terms now.)

(OK, just one more, because it made me laugh-dropping stomach pancakes.)

(Sorry. Done now.)

And that's the other area in our love life where we're perfectly honest-we don't mind at all if the other person needs a bit of self-relief. Sometimes you have 5 minutes, the other person isn't home/is walking the dog/is mowing the lawn and frankly, you feel like a bit of relief will make the moment. So have at it. We don't generally tell each other when we've done so, but we're not hiding anything, either.

I approached Angus this morning as he was coming down the stairs. "Would you like to have a bit of action later?" I ask, peering in to the open pocket crotch of his boxer shorts. What? It was eye level, I had to check it out.

"Absolutely. I've been saving up all week," he replied.

I've had a horrific cold all week, complete with runny nose, sneezing, and coughs that a 60 year-old 10 pack-a-day smoker would envy. Sex has been off the menu, as my only real objective this week is to breathe my way through my mucus.

"All week? So you haven't played with yourself at all?" I ask, surprised.

"Nope," he replied. "But I don't think it's unusual for chaps to go for a week without any."

"I do. I can't imagine most people go that long without a release," I comment.

"They probably do," he said.

"I doubt it. I think in most relationships, people aren't ok with their partners masturbating. I think they probably do it anyway, but I bet that it's not considered ok."

"I imagine it probably is. You can't be doing it all the time, and some people have high sex drives."

So I offer it to you-how common is it to masturbate when you're in a relationship?

And if you're in a relationship, would you be angry if your partner did masturbate?

(Consider this fact finding. Enquiring minds want to know.)

-H.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 09:53 AM | Comments (25) | Add Comment
Post contains 1690 words, total size 9 kb.

1 -how common is it to masturbate when you're in a relationship? As common as breathing -And if you're in a relationship, would you be angry if your partner did masturbate? Not even for a second

Posted by: ~Easy at May 25, 2007 11:26 AM (X+de8)

2 Well.. as it's for fact finding... I always felt guilty, and wondered why I did.

Posted by: Hannah at May 25, 2007 11:47 AM (5w+E2)

3 ah...fantasises... I'm ok with them if it's someone unlikely, like Fergie or Heather locklear, but then name one of my close chick-friends... and then I don't like this game. Hey I'm a fan of Paul Walker and Gavin Rosdale but I wouldn't be ok with thinking of his best mate... As for the solo flights.... not so much an open discussion. I don't partake in the self serve, and if he is, I don't so much want to know about it. But listen, I had better be taken care of before he's running his singles match.

Posted by: Angela at May 25, 2007 11:53 AM (DGWM7)

4 Fantasies are open season at our house; we can take from them to make our own sessions better, or simply enjoy them for what they are... fun daydreaming. Masturbation is... like Easy said: common as breathing. Neither my hubby nor myself would be angry if the other took a breath. On the whole, our sex life sounds much like yours, which should give you hope: I'm about to be 50 and hubby 61. Frequency suffers with age, but the fun is still there to be had...

Posted by: pam at May 25, 2007 12:10 PM (l6NIn)

5 Never angry about masturbation-in fact it turns me on. Of course, if it was perferred over a shared session, I might have a problem with it. In general, hubby likes to 'save it up' if it is only a few days, maybe a week, in between. I, however, can not. If I need a bit of action, I like it right away. And hubby is totally cool with that.

Posted by: Teresa at May 25, 2007 12:35 PM (Bzl/Z)

6 I think it all depends on two things...a person's honesty as it relates to sex...and their libido. I've been with some men whose libidos JUST weren't that strong....now my husband, on the other hand, has the libido of a 19 year old...(and he's not 19)...masturbating to him...is like breathing... He's horny, I'm not around...why not? I do the same (albeit less often). It's one of the things I've found refreshing about this relationship....sexual urges CAN and DO exist outside of one another. We've even gone so far as to "help one another out". Some people might find that strange....but I'm not so naive as to think that he'd NOT do it...just because it bothered me....and if he wasn't doing it...he'd probably be thinking about it....so why not be part of it? Letting go of those pre-conceived notions about sex (what is normal, what isn't), masturbation (what is right, what is wrong)...has been a real turning point for me as an adult. I would now never EVER go back.

Posted by: wn at May 25, 2007 01:32 PM (SRiVw)

7 I'll second Easy's comments.

Posted by: sue at May 25, 2007 01:36 PM (WbfZD)

8 The Super Model Mrs. Solomon and I have had discussions about this topic. See, Solomon's not as big a prude as y'all thought. We both think it's unacceptable (ok, maybe he IS as big a prude as you thought) for multiple reasons. The primary is religious (impure thoughts and all that), but a secondary is that it can cause guys to be too quick. However, Solomon never said he was perfect and messes up in this area periodically. Especially now that the Super Model is 8 months pregnant and is NEVER "in the mood". I know hearing about someone unintentionally getting pregnant while you're trying to get pregnant can be frustrating, so I haven't mentioned it before now. But now that you're months along in your pregnancy, I figured it'd be ok. We're expecting at the end of June, but the Super Model has already had a few contractions. I imagine Solomon will be back in the land of the sleepless within 2 weeks.

Posted by: Solomon at May 25, 2007 01:49 PM (al5Ou)

9 You are too funny, I loved this post and good for you guys, that rocks! 1. I do on a nearly daily basis, I am sure hubby does too he just does not speak of it. 2. I would not be angry at all, I am with you on that one.

Posted by: Cheryl at May 25, 2007 02:19 PM (msF2q)

10 If the ratio of masturbation is greater than the ratio of sex in a relationship - I would have a problem with it. Otherwise, go for it! Fantasies tend to be tricky ground. You can't admit to having sexual thoughts about your other half's friends even though you might have. Celebrities tend to be A-OK though. My husband and I have had these conversations quite a bit over the past few months. Without getting into too much detail, I'll just say that infertility treatments have taken their toll in more ways than one. We often make up lists of celebrities that we have persmission to have sex with should the opportunity ever arise. Usually ends up with one of us naming some odd person and both of us laughing. Still trying to figure out how a guy's mind works. Impossible, I know.

Posted by: Michele at May 25, 2007 02:30 PM (fcaMV)

11 I'm copping out but I think it's just as Easy says. Although, to be perfectly honest about it, I don't feel very sexy since we've got the toddler running around. And both of us generally pass out at night, more than just "fall asleep." But we do still get our freak on. It's just less leisurely most of the time, now. Heh. And now for the important part: JOHN CUSACK DID BRITNEY SPEARS?!! Another fantasy of mine bites the dust. Ewww.

Posted by: Margi at May 25, 2007 03:19 PM (ZDJhb)

12 1) very common -- the difference between wanting sex and wanting to masturbate is like the difference between making a snack vs.a full course meal. Sometimes I don't feel like spending hours in the kitchen, if you catch my drift, but I need to have a nibble. 2)That doesn't bother me at all. Neither does the fantasy thing. I have a lot of fasntasies that I wouldn't even want to happen in real life. I don't think my husband has as active of an imagination as I do, but I think it's normal and even healthy to fantasize from time to time. That's great that you and Angus can be so honest about it. P.S. I'm a long time reader. Congrats on les bebes!

Posted by: S at May 25, 2007 03:20 PM (BgdYe)

13 S, you nailed it with the kitchen analogy. Perfect. And now I'm hungry. And like many others said, if masturbation was the preferred option over sex, there'd be a problem. Otherwise, have fun till the callouses come home. (Oh, and wn? We "help each other out" sometimes, too. Especially when we had fertility treatments ggoing on, sometimes sex isn't possible, so a little encouragement is all a person needs.)

Posted by: Helen at May 25, 2007 03:28 PM (KLMed)

14 A fantasy is just that...a FANTASY. Kinda like unicorns...they're a fantasy, you're never gonna see one, but it's nice to dream about them from time to time. Hubby and I both rub one off occasionally, albeit, we do it separately. I'm a minimum of once a week, him, I couldn't say, although I do know it's been a lot more in the past couple of months because my sex drive took a nose dive and he wasn't getting any AT ALL. Thank gawd I seem to have found my libido again.

Posted by: Lisa at May 25, 2007 04:32 PM (v3gg3)

15 1) It is common 2) I would only be bothered if self service inhibited sex with partner

Posted by: amelia at May 25, 2007 05:34 PM (L2+hh)

16 OH BOY! I LOVE this TOPIC! *rubs hands gleefully* Okay, first, I actually do fantasize only about Dan. Really, I'm not kidding. But he's a fantasy Dan; Dan the Hitchhiker, Dan the Rapist Dude, Dan the Kidnapper Guy and his two grown sons, who look just like Dan except they are a little shorter and a little less broad, but they all take turns with me...leseee, OH! And Dan the black guy. Who also looks just like Dan except he's black and Dan brings him along to "share" me for a six-pack of beer. What can I say? I'm CHEAP! ahahah And we share all our fantasies too. I can't tell you Dan's because those are for him to share, but I do know what they are. And he makes mine look pretty tame. I've never asked if he thinks only about me because I don't care, really. He looks at a lot of porn, though, so I'm assuming those women must show up sometimes, lol! And yes, we both masturbate, there are no restrictions. Sometimes I'd rather and I'm sure he would too. It's a different feeling than making love and I would miss it very much if I were unlucky enough to have a partner like a woman I know who demanded her new husband stop doing it. She said that his penis now belonged to HER and she was the only one who got to use it. O_o Yes, I think that's pretty mind-boggling too! Hooray for fantasies! Aren't they great fun?

Posted by: The other Amber at May 25, 2007 05:52 PM (zQE5D)

17 In order: Quite common, and I'd be puzzled if she didn't.

Posted by: Sigivald at May 25, 2007 07:20 PM (4JnZM)

18 Ok, I've resisted this topio as long as I can. Don't repeat this to anyone? Pretty please? Ok, here goes... I'm kinda with Solomon here - wife & I aren't keen on self-service in a normally sexually healthy relationship, yet I've been known to sin on occasion. Usually such occasions are when wife isn't immediately available and/or I just desire a quick snack rather than making a big mess and having to clean the whole kitchen, so to speak. Don't know if wife does such things, but she has stated she frowns upon the practice when there are willing partners available in the house. As far as fantasies go, we prefer to create & act out ours with each other (within reason). Example: the movie Basic Instinct (minus the ice pick). Damn that was good.

Posted by: diamond dave at May 25, 2007 09:20 PM (bOmph)

19 Fantasy is great! I would love to do Dr. Suresh from Heros. Masturbation is great too! Both hubby and I partake together and by ourselves. Nice post! grace

Posted by: grace at May 25, 2007 11:43 PM (SlJYu)

20 I think the ability to fantasize and masturbate in a relationship both come down to security. That said, I have no issue with either.

Posted by: Mia at May 26, 2007 01:23 AM (8yLzc)

21 Both my husband and I "snack" (good analogy!) semi-frequently. Hell, he gave me my vibrator as a gift. And it came with us on our honeymoon. He actively encourages any sort of enjoyment on my part. As for fantasies, I'm not opposed. I don't happen to partake much, but I'm not offended by the thought. Celebrities and random schmos just don't do it for me. Maybe I'm just not particularly creative, but I don't feel turned on imagining others. Except for one notable exception: Joe Lando (Sully from Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman). H - O - T. Tells you something about my formative teenage years, yes?

Posted by: ZTZCheese at May 26, 2007 04:40 AM (2//TA)

22 Due to some physiological issues, I can't have orgasms from sex so masturbating is part of foreplay for us. Which is totally hot for us and no one feels badly about it. I still love sex though, and I partake as much as possible. Otherwise, I just don't really bother. For me it is a big production due to said physiological issues. My guys on the other hand tend to shake hands with themselves on a daily basis. It boggles me that some folks have a problem with it (no offense if you do, I Just Dont Get It). It's healthy! It makes for a happy prostate! I couldn't possibly keep up with them. My SO is a 3 times a day person. I don't know many people who could keep up with that. For me, fantasies involve a situation usually, not a person. I've never really been one to fantasize about people I don't know. It's weird, but hey, thats ok. I think it's healthy. So for me, if masturbation is more important than sex, then yes, it is bad news. If you need to fantasize all the time in order to get turned on, then yes it is bad news. Otherwise, have at it. Healthy sex is good sex!

Posted by: Dani at May 26, 2007 04:41 PM (CD1jr)

23 I have fantasized since I was old enough to know what sex was. My early imaginary romps feature me as one of Charlie's Angels, lol. (Not one of them, I was a new, 4th angel.) Now that I am single, fantasy is essential. Partners past have loved my fantasies, and loved even more the ones I made up and whispered during the horizontal tango to get them off. I am too smart to tell the ones that don't include them, lol. I have always snacked between meals, and I have no problem with my man doing likewise, as long as he saves some for me.

Posted by: Mallory at May 28, 2007 05:21 PM (RpmXp)

24 Well, I have a strange relationship, so while I think its totally normal to masturbate while in a relationship, I wouldn't say I'm the average...Its necessary in my relationship though. Sex is extremely painful for me. I've been in a relationship for 4 years now, and we've probably had sex 60 times total in that amount of time. So, obviously, there's a lot of self love goin' on in our house. And no, I'm relieved when he masturbates, because it takes the pressure off me to have sex.

Posted by: Heather at May 29, 2007 04:18 PM (s0rhn)

25 He lives 2 hours away from me for work and we only see each other on the weekends. I'd be angry if he didn't take care of business at least once during the week.

Posted by: Theresa at May 29, 2007 05:49 PM (x1Vbp)

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When we first laid eyes on our perfect little house, we knew that it was the perfect little house for us.

And the emphasis on that has always been with the word "little".

We live in this area of England because it gives us:

1) Easy access to Heathrow for his kids to come visit
2) Easy access into London for work, which does dictate we come in to the office at least once a week
3) Easy enough to commute into either Waterloo or Victoria in south central London for work
4) Enough distance that we don't get drop-ins from his mom (I love her. Really I do. I just don't love her dropping in on a Sunday afternoon when I'm planning my new rendition of Afternoon Get My Freak On. Plus, I like notice so that I can vacuum. We all have an anal retentive fidget, mine is preferring that the living room doesn't resemble the Dust Bowl.)

So yeah.

We actually do need to stay in this area. Which is ok, because I honestly love this part of the country. Sure, it's not very hilly. True, we're nowhere near the water. Yes, it is a hit-or-miss kind of county in which some towns are amazing and perfect and some towns are shit.

When we found our perfect little house - and I'm not trying to be cutesy here, I simply love this house - it had a strange price. It was in the range that we were willing to pay for a house, but it was heading towards the upper side of the range. Still, we couldn't understand how our house was priced where it was - a fully detached home with a massive and very well maintained garden (or at least it was until we came along, anyway) in a quiet and 100% safe commuter-belt area outside of London, perched as it is on the end of a country lane in the middle of nowhere. It should actually have been priced higher than it was. It was as though there was something too good to be true. Although I could have done without unclogging ancient drains and the whole serious smorgasbord of wildlife that is Mumin's continuous banquet, I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop, for the bad news to come out.

But there isn't any bad news. The house was simply priced to sell, and sell fast (the widow who lived here decided it was time to move out and move on, and that time was right fucking now.) The house is just as it said on the label. It's brick and glass and has 100% of the RDA of riboflavin. So we sat back and decided to enjoy it for a year, while we decided what to do to it in terms of extensions and removations.

The house is wonderful, but it does need modernizing. The two toilets often require multiple flushes, screamed threats involving use as petunia planters, promises of virgin sacrifices, or all of the above to clear the bowl. The kitchen is a whole new death-defying description of butt-fucking ugly - tile countertops, a non-working kitchen fan, and about the stupidest layout for anyone that actually cooks. It's such a joy. There's only one shower in the house (this is a problem, especially with a 15 year-old girl around). There are only three bedrooms, and this is three bedrooms too little as we need one for Angus and I, one for Melissa, and one for Jeff, but unfortunately Jeff's bedroom doubles as Angus' study. And now we need more bedrooms for the new arrivals (although they will not only share a room but will share a crib for some time. Apparently twins do better if they sleep together for a while, as that's all they knew while they were still in the Big House.) In addition, both Angus and I largely work from home, so we need a study each (we really do need a study each, as we are often on different conference calls and you can't do them from the same room). And there are only two closets in the whole house, there is absolutely no storage anywhere.

Even without the babies on the way an extension was always in the works. We're already out of space. We just wanted to live here for a while and see what it was like, what we would want to change, what we felt needed improving. It's just now we have a little more pressure. We know the extension won't be ready in time for the babies' arrival, which is now about 4 months away. Unfortunately, Jeff will lose his bedroom to the twins while Angus takes my study (which is the former dining room-we don't see much use for a formal dining room these days) and Jeff gets the sofa bed, but Jeff will get the bribe of allowing the dog to sleep in the living room with him and the promise that he gets first pick of the new bedrooms. We think he'll be ok with that.

We contacted two architects last week and had them come round for discussions and quotes. They're both RIBA certified, which is important to us, and both locals. Many discussions were had.

Angus and I have been saving money for a long time. When we were still living in the various rented homes, we chucked well over a third of our monthly salaries into savings, just so that we could apply it to a house someday. Now that we have said house, said savings go to the mortgage, but we built up a nest egg when we could. That nest egg, augmented with other things, is the foundation for the extension. We are nowhere near rich, either of us, and after the twins start day care we'll be riding the strict budget wave for a while. But we have been saving up for years to have the home that we want.

We want to expand the house to:

- 5 bedrooms
- At least 2 bathroooms, preferably 3
- Build out the kitchen and living room
- Move the stairway (currently, it's right inside the front door. The hallway is tight, dark, and has no room for storage)
- Move the garage, or at the very least re-roof it with an eye to building a room on top of it someday
- Re-do the exterior. Some brainiac had the idea at one point to cover the brick with pebbledash, which we hate and which is not in great condition.
- Prepare the house for solar energy, both water and PV
- New windows (ours are single-glazed and thus allow heat to escape), a new hot water heater (ours is many years old and just stops working periodically) and a new heating system (see: water heater)

Angus and I will do the kitchens and bathrooms ourselves, from fitting the countertops and appliances/shower to tiling. Believe it or not, we like doing that kind of thing. Angus has already put in a few kitchens and bathrooms at other houses, and I too was part of a kitchen installation in Sweden (also, strangely enough I really enjoy tiling, which makes me one weird chick.) We'll also rip out the last remaining carpets in the house and install wooden floorboards ourselves, as well as various other bits and pieces throughout the house.

The architects both said that the sum of money we had would do the job. Just. Which makes me feel very uncomfortable, as building works generally never seem to go according to plan and I hate the idea that we'll need to up our mortgage while simultaneously wiping out our entire savings. They also agreed that everything we're planning will increase the sales value of the house, which is also important.

Then came the details.

It will take us over 6 months alone just to get planning permission from the council to build our house. Every council has requirements for building and extending of homes. Councils are notorious for being picky, difficult to deal with, slow, aggravating, expensive, and petty. Everyone I know who has had work done has a horror story to tell. The architects warned us that even though all the work we would like is fair, and since not one of our neighbors is anywhere near where we'd plan to build so there shouldn't be an issue, that undoubtedly the council would find some reason to reject our plans.

Time-wise, it comes down to this-it'll take about 6 months to get planning permission, so around the end of the year we maybe will have a "go". Then we wait for the builders. Builders are in huge demand here, and all of them have waiting lists a mile long. Not only that, but they are heart-stoppingly expensive. If you don't want to pay their prices, fine. They'll go to the next person on the list, then, have a nice life. Once we get a builder, the actual construction will take about 4-5 months. Then it's many more months for Angus and I to finish things off.

This means that building will start next Spring, whereupon the entire back of the house will be ripped out. Gone. Think flapping plastic sheets in the wind. And there are only two rooms of the house that will remain untouched, so Angus, myself, and two infants will be living in those two rooms (my study and the guest room) while the entire home is attacked. And Angus, I have a feeling he's not going to handle the mess and stress of living on a building site very well. He's a fantastic boy and I love him madly, but I can already see the depression coming our way.

And to top it all off, one quote came back from one of the architects. It was £50,000 over what we'd budgeted.

We're going with the other architect, whose quote was substantially lower (but is still so high it makes me want to drink. Or sit and breathe into a paper bag. Or both). But his quote was lower as he doesn't project manage the building site, so it means that we'll be project managing the house building for the most part, along with the construction engineer from the builder. If I'm not back to work yet, I will try to manage a lot of it (and actually, I'm honestly interested in managing aspects of it.) I'll just need to buy the twins some hard hats and teach them how to efficiently use nail guns, I think*.

Right about now, you're maybe saying "Jesus, woman, just move house." Or maybe you already zoned out, bored, and are surfing the web to pick out the perfect eyebrow liner (psst-Benefit Brow Zing. That's what you seek.) But we can't do that either.

England has some of the most shocking house prices I've ever seen, ever. If you're a fresh-faced, happy young couple I don't know how you get on the property ladder, I really don't. Houses are ball-numbingly expensive. And interest rates have gone up, so the repayment is also hard. Since moving into this house over a year ago, houses in our area have skyrocketed in price. This is good news, I suppose-it means we've already made money on our house in under 14 months. But the bad news is that houses in our area that were selling for around £450-500,000 are now well over that. Two bedroom homes are selling for £350,000. Some houses around the corner from us were just listed for sale. The gardens are so tiny that if you stand in the backyard and squint you'll almost be able to see a blade or two of grass, and the rooms in the house are humble. The smaller of the two houses is going for £560k. The larger one is nearly touching the £600k mark. Combine the cost of a house with things like moving costs, stamp duty, estate agent fees, etc and the truth is, we'll save money by staying here and simply extending. We'll save a LOT of money by staying put. Or, to put it simply, we don't know that we can afford to move now.

So the stress will be on.

I'm calling the architect as soon as I post this, and the game will be afoot.

Wish us luck.

We're going to need it.

-H.

*To stave off any of those kind of comments, if you think I'm even remotely serious about giving my kids nail guns then you're not very keyed up about me. I'm nervous about giving my 45 year-old boy a nail gun, never mind two little beings that can't yet hold their heads upright.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 08:12 AM | Comments (20) | Add Comment
Post contains 2146 words, total size 12 kb.

1 Best of luck. Prices in Ireland are ridiculous and have been for some time. I'm 34, single and there is no way that a bank is going to give me a 400k mortgage for a 3-bed terrace house - which is about average here at the moment. I'm just waiting for the crash...

Posted by: Elisa at May 24, 2007 09:27 AM (AlPvn)

2 I've nicknamed my house The Project That Never Ends... or, The Neverending Project - the first one has a better ring to it, though. I guess that's one of the joys of property ownership. Good luck, I'm sure you'll do great. You guys always do.

Posted by: Hannah at May 24, 2007 11:29 AM (5w+E2)

3 I'm in a very similar situation, but I won't get into it here. Suffice it to say that I'm right there with you on most of it, but I have one advantage. I'm plugged in to City Hall so I can grease the permit process.

Posted by: ~Easy at May 24, 2007 11:30 AM (X+de8)

4 I work for a residential design/architecture firm in Florida. Right now, our primary business is doing fantastic remodel designs for people becaue the house market is weird, and it's more cost-effective to gut and re-do than to buy elsewhere. Good luck with the living in a construction zone. Very few of our clients attempt it, and almost all of them end up renting an apartment because of the stress of getting up in your pajamas for a cup of coffee only to find the construction workers already in the kitchen! They're sending me to school to learn how to design houses and work with AutoCAD. So, not that I can be a great help yet, as you go down this road, maybe I can offer some help. Especially once the fall semester begins and I'm back in school.

Posted by: wRitErsbLock at May 24, 2007 12:19 PM (+MvHD)

5 Unfortunately, lots of us feel this way about our homes. It will be a difficult time for your family but it will be SOOO worth it when it is done!!

Posted by: Jamie at May 24, 2007 12:20 PM (z+8LV)

6 I'm not trying to rain on your parade but please realize that your ability to devote time to home improvement projects (the kitchen and bathrooms you plan to do yourself) will be severely compromised when you have twins to take care of. Instead of entire evenings and weekends to devote to projects, for the first few years you might only be able to grab an extra hour here and there. My son is 3 1/2 and I'm just starting to get back into doing projects around the house. I've just started looking at the costs involved in remodeling a basement and I'm astounded. But, like you, we got a deal on the house so I think we could easily get a home equity loan to cover the costs which will increase the value of the house by at least the cost of the new basement.

Posted by: paula at May 24, 2007 01:13 PM (FlZPw)

7 Just reading this makes me so stressed I want to barf. And we don't even own a house yet! Best of luck to you!

Posted by: geeky at May 24, 2007 01:31 PM (ziVl9)

8 Oh, house remodeling... lovely work, indeed. Granted, here in Texas (Austin, that is) houses can be somewhat reasonable, but dealing with the heat, the snakes and spiders, and add in a few hippies... and, the whole she-bang can be as aggravating as a pimple in the middle of your back that you can't reach. Add in some pregnancy hormones, and nesting instincts- and, you have a pissed off, swollen-ankles maniac.

Posted by: Andria at May 24, 2007 01:44 PM (Oo4k1)

9 Best of luck, and let me know when my room is ready so I can hop the first flight over.

Posted by: Teresa at May 24, 2007 02:27 PM (3z3hy)

10 I do love a good project myself and am not afraid to get my hands dirty. I totally suck at tile though, mostly because I can't see straight.

Posted by: cursingmama at May 24, 2007 03:03 PM (PoQfr)

11 We just did all the windows (1895 Victorian Farmhouse? Psh. It had double-hung single paned. Might as well throw the windows open winter/spring/summer/fall. Great - HUGE - energy suck.) Those house prices take my breath away. Add in the difference between the dollar and the pound and *I'm* breathing into a paper bag. You two will take it easy on yourselves, please? You are tackling some of the most stressful elements of life SIMULTANEOUSLY. I predict you two will need to give each other lots of massages and warm baths. Please hug each other. Often. I feel for you. P.S. I clicked on the pebbledash link. And I fell in love with Paul O'Grady. *snerk*

Posted by: Margi at May 24, 2007 03:40 PM (DwLKz)

12 Good luck. It will be stressful, but you two can handle it... or should I say, you four?

Posted by: sue at May 24, 2007 04:52 PM (WbfZD)

13 I am so disapointed that you aren't REALLY going to let the little ones play with nail guns! Sheez, I thought you were way more open-minded than that! I will now go look for blogs about eye-liner!

Posted by: grace at May 24, 2007 05:31 PM (SlJYu)

14 Having gone through this myself, I have one suggestion: scale back. Simplify. Reduce the size, reduce the numbers of rooms, reduce your stress. Five bedrooms, three baths == endless cleaning, endless picking-up-of-clutter, endless wiping, endless bulb changes, endless repairs, endless furnishings, endless window washing == endless expense and endless preoccupation. Go simpler. Keep it as simple as you can possibly manage and you'll be happier (and have more money) for a long, long time. Redd.

Posted by: redd at May 24, 2007 06:06 PM (LEwr1)

15 oh dear LOOOOOOORD. What a mess. Prices are ridiculous everywhere. But at least HERE we have an abundance of builders that keeps prices/ waits down. I can't wait to see the twins in little hardhats :-) I would disagree that you should simplify your plans. Bite the bullet now, and you'll have a home you can enjoy for years to come and grow into nicely (as babies do grow :-) ) Especially as I know 5 bedrooms is really the bare minimum you need with Angus' 2 kids and the twins and your work. Good luck!

Posted by: caltechgirl at May 24, 2007 06:23 PM (r0kgl)

16 Ohh Helen I adore the picture and you were beautiful before you were PG and are positively stunning now! In my mind you are a chamelion, you can dress up or down and still look great! I am happy things are moving along with you and the boy and the house, Awesome!

Posted by: Cheryl at May 24, 2007 09:47 PM (msF2q)

17 Like Hannah, we live in The Project Never Ends house. When we bought the house it needed work and we loved it for that. We both love to rip things apart and put it back together. The house was always too small and there's no room to expand. So, now, we're working on finishing the house so we can sell it. It's kinda sad to think that we'll never really get to enjoy our hard work. On the other hand, it'll be nice making a good profit off of our work. Good luck with yours! Things will get more complicated once the babies are here. If you work together you'll manage.

Posted by: Michele at May 25, 2007 02:49 PM (fcaMV)

18 Go ahead and add 30% of what they quoted you in cost and add half or double the amount of time they told you it would take. You may think I am kidding or being very conservative - check back to these comments next year and see where you are at. But also - good luck! Try to have fun with it even though I know it is stressful. And maybe you will have more luck than I or anyone else I know has had with major home improvements.

Posted by: Sara at May 25, 2007 03:59 PM (Cnzvq)

19 I have no clue how that housing market can be like that. Nearly a million dollars for a 2 bedroom house? That boggles me. Are these for unattached houses, or are even attached houses going for this rate? We couldn't even QUALIFY for a mortgage that high. Well atleast you love your house, right?

Posted by: Dani at May 26, 2007 04:50 PM (CD1jr)

20 I don't know. The kids could totally do some baseboard work. Lay them on their sides on a towel with the nail gun. After they punch each nail, have Gorby pull the towel a short distance further along the wall (you may need Maggie and Munin to handle one twin's towel) It can work! Really!

Posted by: Z. Hendirez at May 28, 2007 12:33 PM (ceOV5)

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My entire life my face has given everything away.

I'm one of those people who couldn't have a poker face if thrust a fireplace tool up my nose and tried. I don't know what it is about me, but apparently I give away my every thoughts every time I have one (which is often, as my brain is generally going 1,000 mph). Maybe it's my eyes, maybe they hold up a sign saying "Angry-back off now!" Maybe I twitch my mouth in a "Jesus, what a stupid idea!" manner. Perhaps my cheeks radiate a "I really like you" glow.

My team always used to know when I was pissed off and I never knew how they knew that. We'd be in a meeting and someone would report something, and within moments people would be looking at me with that "Whoa dude-she's going to blow" look. And in general, they'd be right. But I thought I was sitting there looking as cool as a cucumber, they couldn't possibly know I was about to blow a gasket.

Yet they did.

So I never get to hold cards close to my chest. For this reason, I'm not a poker player. Well, ok, I lied-I'm also not a poker player because I simply cannot ever remember if a flush beats a straight and all of those tiers, and if you play a game where you throw in wild cards I'm really fucked as I generally forget what they all were, so I could have been sitting there with a hand consisting of 4 aces, but if I forget that whole "2s and 4s wild" bit, then I throw away good hands.

That, and apparently my face lights up when I get a good hand.

Screwed, you see.

I decided over the weekend that I'm going to work on being more inscrutable. Inscrutable is good. Inscrutable will give me an edge. I'll have an aura of mystery about me now, people in my real life will have to regard me with caution and amazement as they cluck their tongues and remark: I simply never know what that woman is thinking. What an enigma.

You know, instead of how I am today, which is more emotionally obvious than a Mr. Men or Little Miss book.

I decided to start yesterday. I had an absolutely full day of meetings in central London, some of which were the first meetings I would have with some of my new project team, which I'd only been communicating with via email and telephone prior to yesterday. I figured-new team, new chance to be Little Miss Inscrutable.

Heading into one of the conference rooms, I exuded confidence (I thought, anyway). I would be suave. I would not give everything away in my face. I would be Little Miss Mystery.

I walked to a conference room, only it wasn't the room I'd booked. Where was the room I'd booked? I wandered around the hallway confused, much like you do if your car gets towed-you wander around in the now empty parking space sure you left the car right there, so how could it no longer be there? I did exactly that-I wandered around the end of the hallway, sure that the conference room was supposed to be there. So why wasn't it where I'd left it?

I went back to the concierge.

"Are you all right?" asked the nice concierge.

My face was clearly in the Little Miss Confused mode.

"Yeah, I just...do you know where room 112 is?"

"Yes, it's been re-numbered to room 116," he replied kindly.

"Oh. Thanks!" I replied, and headed for the room with the numbering identity problem.

I entered the room and shook hands with my new team. "I'm Helen," I say, introducing myself. I settle in, turn on the laptop, and reach for the skinny blueberry muffin I'd picked up to munch on.

"I thought Americans always watched their weight," one of the new guys said in a merry "I mean exactly the opposite" kind of way.

I consciously tired to ensure that my face did now show Little Miss Fuck Off.

"We do. This is a low-fat muffin," I say brightly. I decided I would be Little Miss Accommodating to Your Provincial Humor.

"No offense," he added hastily, looking at me.

I see I failed at pulling off inscrutable already, and it's my first meeting of the day.

At my next meeting, I decide to try again. Clean slate, new start to being unreadable. I head for the meeting once again with my head held high and the confidence that I can be a new Helen, one that doesn't give away her every thought.

"Hi, Helen," my colleague greets me.

I exude Little Miss Confident.

"Are you feeling ok? You look like you're going to be ill," he inquires kindly.

Shit. I fucked up Little Miss Inscrutable again.

"Me? No, I'm fine," I smile. He continues to look confused. "Ok, maybe a little bit ill," I lie. I wasn't remotely ill, but I didn't want to tell him that yesterday was an exercise in getting my poker face on and I am batting 0-2.

We discussed planning objectives for the project. I reported on one element of the project, he reported on another. He agreed to take one angle that would be a lot of work.

He looks at me. "I can see you're pleased about that."

I am Little Miss Tails Wags Like a Puppy, So Please Throw the Tennis Ball Again.

I get home. Angus looks at me. "You look tired," he says. "Can I get you anything?"

I give up.

Little Miss Inscrutable can go to hell.

-H.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 09:29 AM | Comments (14) | Add Comment
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1 That's strange. From reading about you and Angus I'd thought that scruting was something you did as often as possible. Why would you want to be inscrutable?

Posted by: ~Easy at May 23, 2007 11:33 AM (X+de8)

2 lol... hilarious!!!

Posted by: Andria at May 23, 2007 12:49 PM (Oo4k1)

3 I'm not sure if I'm generally easy to read, but I do know that sometimes having readable expressions can come in handy. I love leveling people with my "eat shit and die" look, and they always get the message without me having to say a word!

Posted by: geeky at May 23, 2007 01:07 PM (ziVl9)

4 First, loved those books when I was a kid! Second, I worked hard to get my poker face early in my career because I was always letting my employees know when I thought they were idiots and that really is a morale buster. So I mastered the art of the poker face and sadly it has carried into my personal life. Now my husband says he can never tell what I'm thinking. That's good sometimes, and bad sometimes. Of course, it works well when dealing with difficult people in my life (ahem, read: family) that I can't tell to go to hell.

Posted by: donna at May 23, 2007 01:11 PM (7p8OG)

5 I am so glad that I'm not the only one that is like this... I hate the fact that I'm easier to read than a copy of "Goodnight, Moon".

Posted by: amber at May 23, 2007 01:14 PM (HCbA1)

6 You have such a great way with words. Thanks for making me smile today.

Posted by: Lisa at May 23, 2007 01:42 PM (ELUjU)

7 I've never had a poker face either. I seem to wear my emotions on my sleeve.

Posted by: kenju at May 23, 2007 02:27 PM (DBvE5)

8 My face can be read like a book...and my sarcasm does not help. Oh well... you are still funny!

Posted by: Steff at May 23, 2007 03:03 PM (fIFtd)

9 I like to tell Dan that I'm "mysterious" and no one knows what I'm thinking. Then I have to step back as Dan laughs so hard he falls over laughing. "Amber, you're about as 'mysterious' as a sheet of glass." *sniffs* I AM mysterious, damn it! It's a MYSTERY as to what I am thinking at ANY GIVEN MOMENT! NOBODY KNOWS BUT *ME*! Sheet of glass, bah. People have to GUESS with me, they have to GUESS! I'm THAT hard to read! Damn straight.

Posted by: The other Amber at May 23, 2007 03:41 PM (zQE5D)

10 I am totally transparent too. I once even got voted out (or whatever they do in court - challenged to be removed?) from a jury panel because I kept rolling my eyes at the jurors trying to get out of duty with lame excuses. I mean hey, none of us want to be there but it's obnoxious when it takes a full day to get through jury selection for a minor case because every single one of you knows someone that did something once or your cousin's neighbour is a cop.

Posted by: Lee at May 23, 2007 04:37 PM (lN4Rc)

11 This may sound strange from just looking at your pictures and never having met you face-to-face, but it looks as if your eyes give away your emotions. Without looking at captions or comments, your eyes seem to accurately mirror whatever mood you were in when the pictures were taken. Hope that observation doesn't come across as too creepy. Myself, I think my tone of voice gives me away. Especially when someone or something pisses me off, it is usually revealed in my tone. I also tend to grab my head when I get stressed.

Posted by: diamond dave at May 23, 2007 08:32 PM (bOmph)

12 Yep, I'm transparent, too. Not a thing I can do about it. Some people just can't do the fake faces! In the book I'm reading (The Blight Way), the protagonist decides to practice his "warm face" in front of a mirror in an effort to win over a woman. Once he has perfected it tries it out on her, at which point she says "You looked terrible there for a second. I thought you were going to erp all over the table."

Posted by: BeachGirl at May 23, 2007 10:21 PM (RgeoX)

13 My kids love those Mr. Men books. My husband lived in England as a child and his mother kept a ton of English children books. I'm with you....everything seems to show on my face.

Posted by: Kali at May 24, 2007 03:51 AM (ycWs9)

14 I laughed out loud at "Little Miss Fuck Off". Sounds like what my son calls my Mean Face, which I never direct at him. Only douchebags and assclowns need apply for that scowl, but I expect that they remember it well, especially when they wake up screaming and sweating in the dead of night from the nightmarish memories.

Posted by: physics geek at May 24, 2007 06:20 PM (MT22W)

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Iceland was as raw as I thought it would be.

We headed out at oh-God-hundred on Wednesday morning, hurtling to Gatwick Airport at times when not even the donut man is thinking about making the donuts. We parked our car at a long-term parking place, took the shuttle to the airport, and checked in. It was all basically according to our usuals, including Angus getting into a big argument with security, which saw me frantically pushing him through the metal detector and hoping to Christ we didn't get arrested, and then some time in the BA business lounge while I dialled down the intense ulcer explosion said security bust-up enforced on me.

Once in Reykjavik, we passed through immigrations, customs, and got our rental car, a little Toyota Yaris (if you're not familiar with the Yaris, think "economy car meets bean can" and you've got it.) Armed with our usual travel Bible, the Avis courtesy map, and some tax-free candies, we hit the road.

Iceland is the size of England but with a population of only around 220,000. Sat smack on the two teutonic plates that form the base for North America and Europe, it is a hotbed (pun intended) of activity from a geological perspective-the island is covered in dormant volcanoes which are evidenced by the many, many lava fields that run throughout Iceland. Iceland also has many geysers and bubbling hot springs from water that just appears out of the surface of the ground. For this reason, Iceland is able to say that (aside from cars), it is a completely green country in terms of energy-it only uses wind and geothermic heating, and to that end it only uses 17% of the possible amount it could be using, as its needs are just not high enough to use more energy.

This makes Iceland one of our favorite countries, as it's true that both Angus and I are a couple of crunchy granola hippies who are always on the lookout for environmentally friendly alternatives (but we admit the fact that we use airplanes is naughty. Very naughty.)

We drove through many lavafields, in fact.

It's surreal to know that there's a road simply cut through where once a raging volcano's lava fell. We made our way to Stykkisholmur, which is a fishing village on the far Western peninsula. We stopped at an old church on the way, which was stunning in its setting as it sat below a massive glacier called Snaefellsjokull.

We also stopped at a local beach. I had the feeling I was being watched at one point, and sure enough, I looked up and I was. About 20 feet away was a set of cow-like eyes and bushy whiskers calmly checking me out.

We stayed the night in Stykkisholmur, where we had one of the greatest meals known to mankind - seafood soup and lobster (fresh fish there is heaven. Ironically, most of the locals opt for burgers and pizza most of the time. I guess if you lived around all that seafood, you'd want some cow from time to time, too.)

The next morning we set off. Now, Angus' favorite way to travel around countries is to take the smallest, windiest country roads imaginable. If they're inpaved it's a plus. If they have steep inclines or declines, it's even better. So much of the day was spent hurtling around various dirt roads trying to figure out where the fuck we were-armed with only a crappy Avis map and a guide book, half the time I had no clue what road we were on.

He was itching to ignore a sign that said "Impassable", and drive down a bumpy mountain road that takes you over 4 glaciers and requires some river fording. I promised him that next time we could come back with a 4x4 and he could try it then. I didn't think the Yaris was up for it, and by then we'd been over such rough roads my uterus was nestled somewhere under my throat anyway.

Getting around was made harder by the roadsigns-although our Swedish came in handy time and time again, more often than not we simply hadn't a fucking clue what was going on in terms of translating the Icelandic.

(Click to embiggen and stare in awe at what may or may not be cat scratchings).

We stopped to get water - we'd run out and I suggested we buy more.

"Buy water in Iceland? Never!" cried Angus, and so we stopped at a waterfall that took the water straight off the melting ice cap.

I have to admit, the water was ice cold and perfect. It was a wise choice.

We stopped at two waterfalls-Hraunfossar and Barnafoss Waterfalls (Barnafoss literally means Child Falls. I thought it was named that because it was a small waterfall, but the truth is it was named that as two children plunged to their deaths there. Nice and uplifting.)

We also stopped at the Deildartunguhver Hot Springs. I'd never been around a hot springs or a geyser in my life prior to this, and I can tell you one thing-they don't smell nice. At all. Geysers and hot springs have a very strong sulphuric smell, which is exactly what rotten boiled eggs smell like. Still, they were incredible-boiling hot water just pouring out of the ground and steam just escaping into the air, warming the area. Not something you see every day.

After getting lost we got stuck on a mountain in the driving snow behind a stuck Big Truck who was getting pulled out by his buddy, Even Bigger Truck. So we did what any ordinary person would do in that kind of situation-we pulled a discreet distance away from the truck and had sex in the car. Then we ate potato chips while watching the two truck drivers bounce their way to freedom.

We finally made it to Reykjavik and checked in to our hotel. The hotel was fine, and one thing was clear-the shower was pumping in geyser water. Not only couldn't we get it to come out of the tap in any degree except "so hot it sloughs your skin off", but it smelled strongly of that boiled egg sulphuric smell.

The next day we meandered around Reykjavik in the morning and had lunch there. One thing that I should point out is that while we ate lunch in the sun, a row of baby carriages marked the sidewalk outside the restaurant. This is the norm for Scandinavia. I've seen it all over and actually with the exception of London, I've seen it here, too. When I first moved to Sweden I was shocked at the sleeping babies left outside the shops, pubs and homes in their strollers, snoozing away, their mothers popping out to check on them. But it happened time and time again-this is what people do. Some doctors even advocate letting the babies continue to snooze outside in their prams, provided they are appropriately dressed for the weather. It took a while for me to get used to it, but this is how things work around here. I know it seems very strange, especially if you're an American and have the same view I did, in which it's unheard of to leave your kid outside a shop. I'm not trying to sway your opinion here and I'm not looking for people to cry that it's child abuse, it simply is what it is - we all do things differently. I've yet to hear about an abduction in these countries from a snoozing infant outside a restaurant. So if you hop a plane to Reykjavik (or any multitude of places on this side of the pond), don't be shocked if you see the strollers outside.

What's interesting about Reykjavik is a lot of the homes are covered with corrugated tin, the kind of thing you'd see on the tops of garages or the sidings in shantytowns. But the truth is, most of them are well maintained, painted, and look amazing. I'd never seen houses covered with the stuff before, and it looked crisp and clean.

We strolled around the city some more, went back to the hotel for a bit of afternoon how's your father, and then got in the car. We left Reykjavik and drove to the farthest southwest tip of Iceland. We passed a geothermal plant where Angus was desperate to go inside and tour but the barricades were down. which I tried to impress upon him was the international sign for "Seriously, we don't want people in here." The impression did not take. He passed the first set as he was so eager to see the inside of a geothermal plant (with me wondering if I'd get to see what the inside of an Icelandic prison would look like), but the second set of barriers were definitely impassable, so we left. There we stopped at the hot springs at Krysuvik.

Which again, didn't smell too good.

Then we drove to the furthest southwest point in the country and watched the wild surf.

We went to the point where you can stand on a bridge overlooking the gap between the tectonic plates of America and Europe.

And finally, we went to the place I'd been dying to go to.

We went to the Blue Lagoon.

This is, of course, not the place where Brooke Shields lost her virginity to Christopher Atkins.

Instead, it's where a massive amount of geothermal water is gathered into an unbelievably blue lagoon, where you swim around in water as warm as a comfortable bath and scoop some of the all-natural mud from cnetrally located buckets to scrub your face and arms. The mud, made of salt, lava rock and silica, really does make you feel like a million bucks. The entire lagoon is surrounded by a huge lava field, and you honestly feel like you are walking on the moon (hey, there's a song in that.) You swim around in your swimsuit in a massive lagoon with others dotted here and there in the lagoon, too. The air is freezing but the water is perfectly warm, and although the minerals are great for your skin it turns your hair into a true Brillo pad.

From time to time, you'd come across a little nook where a couple was getting amorous.

They weren't the only ones.

*Ahem.*

I think there's something in the water.

We didn't take any pictures inside the place because we didn't want to get our camera wet, but we took some of the unblievably blue water outside and the official website photo tab has more photos to show the place off.

And then we went back to our hotel, ate a huge meal, slept like babies, and headed for the airport, where we flew back. We got to fly back on business class and use the business class lounge (courtesy of Angus' BA miles). They had a courtesy basket full of small Blue Lagoon spa hand lotion samples, which the Blue Lagoon sells for scary prices. Between Angus and myself, we took about 50 packets. This is what happens when you let riffraff like us in a business class lounge.

Iceland was amazing. I loved it. The people are very kind and remarkably trusting-not once did we have to give a credit card to hold a room or make a deposit. I think it's incredible and sweet and I hope they never get jaded there. Although we only saw a small part of the country, I'd love to go back and see more. Apparently all the geothermal plants open their doors to the public every year from June-August, which of course has registered high with the boy. I don't know if we'll be going back this year, but we'll definitely be going back.

-H.

Full set of photos here.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 08:18 AM | Comments (13) | Add Comment
Post contains 1988 words, total size 14 kb.

1 What struck me about the photo is that they are blue and grey. There's two that have an odd bit of green grass in them and they really stand out. The rest - blue and grey. Even the car for heaven's sake. I look out of my window and it's all green, such an intense contrast.

Posted by: CarolineM at May 21, 2007 09:44 AM (x3QDi)

2 Love the photos. Also ha, laughed at the thought of driving round bumpy roads in a Yaris. We went to Cyprus and drove round the mountains, but our rental car was a MICRA! We were in first and second gear most of the time.

Posted by: Elisa at May 21, 2007 10:43 AM (AlPvn)

3 Sounds like you had a great time! It look beautiful and such an interesting country. I would love to visit. Glad you had a good break and enjoyed yourself. Welcome home!

Posted by: Suzie at May 21, 2007 11:11 AM (YqqaU)

4 OOOO...Ahhhhh...ohhhhh... nice!

Posted by: sue at May 21, 2007 01:48 PM (WbfZD)

5 Iceland is so beautiful! Sounds like it was a great vacation

Posted by: geeky at May 21, 2007 01:56 PM (ziVl9)

6 Thanks for the pics-and it sounds like you had a fabulous time. Only 50 packets? Amateurs....

Posted by: Teresa at May 21, 2007 03:10 PM (3uUE8)

7 Why was the church painted black? Oh, probably to absorb heat. Duh. Dude, drinking water from a stream like that? Maybe not so smart, guardia is a bad bad thing for non pregnant women, devastating for those who are. You get it from water that has any kind of animals in the area, (I could be wrong there may be more ways), so if there were sheep, or goats, deer, elk cows, etc in the area, even though it was coming out of the ground, you can still get it. Extremely bad cramping, diarrhea, vomiting, it's a bad thing. But the seal, I love him, really good pictures!

Posted by: Donna at May 21, 2007 03:18 PM (FbccQ)

8 leptospirosis, that's what I was thinking about that you get from drinking water thats not purified. Sorry. And although it's more common in tropical countries, you can get it anywhere there are animals that may have peed in the water. I know, I'm going away now.

Posted by: Donna at May 21, 2007 04:02 PM (FbccQ)

9 Look at YOu! world travellers and all. thanks for the great pics.. allways.

Posted by: J.m at May 21, 2007 06:14 PM (TsXw6)

10 The color of the water is incredible!

Posted by: kenju at May 21, 2007 09:07 PM (DBvE5)

11 The photo of the church looked like it could have been taken in the western US. Very desolate. Since Angus likes power plants, I'd recommend driving down the pass between Palm Springs and Riverside next time you guys are in CA. Windmills. Nothing but windmills as far as the eye can see. Angus would get a kick out of it.

Posted by: maolcolm at May 22, 2007 09:14 AM (A6gp7)

12 A striking landscape to be sure. One minor thing, somewhere near the beginning you referred to the 'teutonic' plates, which I'm sure was just spellcheck wreaking havoc with your prose. The other was that you reminded me of the postcard my brothers and I received from our mother when we were much younger. She was supposed to be on a flight to Germany to visit her own mother. The postcard we received was from Iceland (apparently nobody knew that the plane was making a refuelling stop there) -- you can understand that we were a bit disturbed.

Posted by: Tinker at May 23, 2007 12:50 AM (HGoEM)

13 I was confused until I re-read my entry and saw that "tectonic" had become "teutonic". So Iceland is apparently resting on a Celtic/Germanic tribe. Spell-checker apologizes.

Posted by: Helen at May 23, 2007 06:27 AM (KLMed)

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Angus often comes up with winners that make me wish I had a pen in my hand, so that I could scribble them down on the outside of my hand for future reference. Most of the time I think: Yup. I am so blogging that. Other times I think: Eh, they wouldn't believe me if I blogged it anyway. We run the gamut in what we talk about, but I usually know that whatever we discuss will have an angle to it that's 100% pure Angus involved. As a result, conversations in this household tends to be more interesting than conversations that I ever had with all of my exes combined.

Maybe that's what makes for a winning combination in the relationship department.

So here, I offer you the daily chitchat that occurs in my house.

***************************

The other night we were watching My Big Breasts and Me, partly because nothing else was on, and partly because I have some experience on the subject.

One tiny woman is attending a gym in hopes of reducing her rack. Her fitness trainer tells her that exercising, while getting you healthy and a good way of losing weight, cannot "spot check" where you want to hit, and that it may not work for her (I was told the same.) He takes her measurements.

"OK, so you're 60 kilos," he says slowly.

I sit up. "60 kilos? She's only 60 kilos-" that's about 132 pounds - "on that scale? That's impossible. She looks way heavier than me, and pre-pregnancy I was only nearly 68 kilos. She looks like she weighs more than I do, doesn't she? Doesn't she?" I ask Angus.

He looks at me, a deer caught in the headlights. A whimpering sound escapes him. He holds his head in his hands, nervous. "Ummm...what's the right answer here? How do I answer this? I dunno what I'm supposed to say. Heads, I lose, tails, I lose. What do I answer?"

And even though he answered wrong, his angst made me laugh, and he was forgiven.

***************************

We were laying in bed the other night, discussing the house chores that we'd completed that day (this is not what's known as foreplay in our home, in case you were wondering if we get off on Windex or anything like that.)

"I finally addressed the pile of clothes on the bed," I said mournfully. "That fucking Harry Potter didn't come take care of them for me."

"Who's Harry Potter? I thought we decided to not hire outside cleaning help."

I am exasperated. I know Angus hates sci-fi and fantasy, but this is a bit ridiculous. "Harry Potter? The teenage magician? Those books that I read?"

"Oh. Oh yes. Him. Such pointless material."

"And yet the books are one of the record-breaking book sales in history," I mutter.

"I tried to follow the story, but after all the white horses and and volcanoes, it did my head in. I watched one hour of the film and had to go do something else," he said.

"Honey, that's Tolkein you're thinking of," I say gently.

"Was he in the book too? Is that Dumbledick, or Tumblemore, or whatever his name is?"

GOD.

"Tolkein wrote The Lord of the Rings triology. You're getting them confused."

"Oh right." Then - "So he was in the book?"

I decide to take the path most travelled. "Yes, honey. Tolkein is in the Harry Potter books. He's the one with the wand."

***************************

Later, we were talking about a BBC programme we watched (seriously, we live life on the edge in our house.) The show was called Supergrass, and before you get your hopes up, it wasn't about the world's fastest growing turf, nor was it about the marijuana that you've been dreaming of all your life. The programme was about a series of police informants that the police force here in England used in the 70's and 80's.

"Supergrass is a stupid term for a snitch," I say out loud.

Angus laughs. "Why are you calling them snitches?" he asks.

I am confused. "Well, that's what they are. Snitches."

"Not over here, babe. A grass is someone that rats you out," he says.

"Yeah, I know. It's the same in the States, only I think it's a bit of an old-fashioned Mafia term."

"Yeah, well, a snitch means something else over here. 'Snitch' means a woman's body parts."

"The good parts or the naughty parts?"

"The naughty parts."

I think about this. "Seems weird then that an Englishwoman would write books in which her character is always chasing a Golden Snitch."

"Who does that?" comes the query.

"Harry Potter," I reply.

"Christ, not that guy again."

***************************

Sunday the rain came down in sheets of chilled horror. I spent the day catching up on Heroes and Lost, both of which were saved on the satelite hard drive.

"Babe?" comes the call from the study, where Angus has spent the day working on architecture designs, surfing the web for the new camcorder he wants (just in time for the twins), and dicking around on ebay.

"Yeah?" I reply, freezing the screen at the exact moment that Hiro is making a stupid facial expression, which happens more than one would think.

"How badly do you want a table saw?"

"I want a table saw more than I have ever wanted anything in my life, ever," I reply solemnly.

"Excellent. I just won one in ebay."

"Great, honey. What are you going to do with it?" I reply, grinning.

"That's not the important part. What's important is that we now have one."

Well good then. I can sleep well at night knowing that an ebay table saw is in our garage.

***************************

"What time is our flight on Wednesday?" I ask, popping a Ritz cracker into my mouth.

"7:30 am," replies Angus.

"Wow," I saw, just managing to avoid sending a stream of crumbs down my shirt. "We'll have to leave the house early then."

"Your powers of deduction are amazing," comes the reply.

***************************

We leave tomorrow morning at the crack of dawn (there's my deduction in action again) for four days in Iceland (and I'm a lucky enough girl that my boy used his miles to upgrade us to business class).

See you on Monday.

-H.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 08:33 AM | Comments (18) | Add Comment
Post contains 1054 words, total size 6 kb.

1 Here's a conversation from OUR household the other day. I was telling Arnie something thrilling about my day and he said, "You know what's really cool about that?" "What, dearest?" I replied enthusiastically. Then he farted. I'm not sure who is worse. Him, for basically saying my day sucked or me for laughing at his gastro-lympics.

Posted by: Lindsay at May 15, 2007 11:21 AM (Gtr4m)

2 What a difference a vowel makes.. down here 'down there' is a Snatch...

Posted by: deeleea at May 15, 2007 12:13 PM (IphB3)

3 OMFG, those were hilarious. Angus is an absolute gem (and I'm not saying that sarcastically!) Have a great time in Iceland.

Posted by: selzach at May 15, 2007 12:14 PM (wiWvH)

4 Snitch-snatch....whatever....that is so funny. I can't believe Angus can't get into Tolkien or Harry Potter. Have a great time in Iceland and take pics!

Posted by: kenju at May 15, 2007 12:26 PM (DBvE5)

5 You guys seem like fun people Last night, our bedtime conversation consisted of me lamenting that in 10 years, I would find myself living in a shack with no running water, riding a bike to work, wearing hemp clothes, and showering only once a week, all because of my hippie husband who wouldn't kill the spider he found in the bathroom this morning.

Posted by: geeky at May 15, 2007 12:30 PM (ziVl9)

6 That first conversation is very much as one similar in our house, only Hubs always gets this look on his face and then says "here's the land mine"... meaning no matter what he says he's doomed. Now you've got me wondering about the "Golden Snitch", too... hmmmm... Have a nice trip and we'll see ya when you get back!

Posted by: sue at May 15, 2007 01:11 PM (WbfZD)

7 I'm stuck on the golden snitch thing, which I didn't know was a Brit word for anything other than the thing Harry chases ... kinda brings a whole new dimension to the books. Does he chase a golden snatch in the UK version of the books? Sorry, just had to ask.

Posted by: Ice Queen at May 15, 2007 01:22 PM (Lyl8J)

8 Yep, that Angus is a keeper-even though he doesn't know his hobbits from his wizards. Have a safe, fun trip in Iceland. I am totally jealous and living vicariously through your travels, so take lots of pictures, 'k? *giggle* Golden Snitch *giggle*

Posted by: Teresa at May 15, 2007 02:38 PM (IVEJa)

9 In defense of Angus, Gandolf at least looks like Dumbledore, right?

Posted by: amy t. at May 15, 2007 02:54 PM (3dOTd)

10 Anytime I ask my Beloved a question like the first one, he cocks one eyebrow and looks at me over his glasses and says: "Bullet in every chamber, honey." Oh. Heh.

Posted by: Margi at May 15, 2007 04:10 PM (E6wcJ)

11 *grin* You guys are too cute. Thanks for letting us peak in...

Posted by: Mia at May 15, 2007 04:28 PM (8yLzc)

12 This: "Harry Potter," I reply. "Christ, not that guy again." BWHA-HA-HA-HA!! I SRSLY LOL'd! Probably because I don't "get" the Harry Potter phenom either. Although I'm a Tolkein fan from 11 years old. As for the "deer in the headlights". Uh-huh. That's what Dan calls, "Don't clip the blue wire! DON'T CLIP THE BLUE WIRE!" You know, from action movies where they're trying to dismantle a bomb. Yeah. It's a lot like that for our men when it comes to asking them about our looks/weight. *laughs again* Too funny, Helen, thank you for the laughs!

Posted by: The other Amber at May 15, 2007 05:24 PM (zQE5D)

13 The Golden Snitch. Heh heh heh heheheheh. (doing my best Beavis imitation) I'll never look at a Harry Potter book or movie the same way again. Playing with his wand and chasing snitches (Hermione's, perhaps?). And my answer to your first question would have been something along the lines of "well, her ass isn't as big as my fat ass". If I'm asked a potential train wreck of a question, I just find a way to derail it before it gets to me.

Posted by: diamond dave at May 15, 2007 08:31 PM (2hGfo)

14 I thought the funniest Angus-ism you've mentioned on the blog was when you guys went to the Jerry Springer musical. Angus saw a roll of toilet paper in the bathroom that said, "This is your Jerry Springer moment", and Angus said it should have read, "This is your Jerry Springer MOVEMENT." That's funny.

Posted by: Solomon at May 16, 2007 01:21 PM (x+GoF)

15 "Christ, not that guy again." I have to confess, Angus is kind of my hero with that one.

Posted by: ilyka at May 17, 2007 02:46 AM (XiVOX)

16 Our conversations tend to go along the power tool route. I am thinking about finding him a t-shirt that says something along the lines of "Whoever dies with the most tools wins." for Father's Day. Hope you guys are having a great and relaxing trip!!

Posted by: Michele at May 17, 2007 05:22 PM (fcaMV)

17 "Christ, not that guy again." Be still my heart. Angus, you've got a friend in North Carolina, should you ever want to make the trip. We can scratch our heads over Harry Potter and his hobbit friends together. If it's true that you also have never seen a Bond or Star Wars flick, we may have been separated at birth, even.

Posted by: Jennifer at May 18, 2007 07:50 PM (jl9h0)

18 I go away for a few months and you get knocked up! Congrats times infinity Helen. I was worried that you would watch Elf so many times you'd wear out the DVD . I am so very happy for you and so glad - you are going to be the best mum ever!

Posted by: That Girl at May 19, 2007 02:45 AM (Mc2V9)

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So on Friday I bunked off work early (I had actually earned this-I worked very long hours last week writing technical documents that made my eyes cross) in order to purchase clothing to accommodate the needs of my burgeoning waistline. When I was last in the States I bought a pair of jeans from Old Navy (complete with stretchy, revoltingly fluffy bunny fleece ice cream cone waistband), a pair of black work trousers, and a pair of shorts (foolish, foolish Helen. It's been raining and cold for the past 10 days straight here. What was I thinking?)

But the thing is, unless you're wearing your pajamas all the time (which, let's be honest, I am), then you get pretty sick of the ice cream cone jeans and the black trousers. Reaaaaaly sick of them. It was time to make some amends to the wardrobe.

The thing is, I've been able to wear most of my regular clothes anyway, because:

1) I suffer from low self-esteem (to which you're smacking your forehead and rolling your eyes, saying "Noooooo! Really?")
2) I like my clothes to be roomy and comfy so I buy clothes one size up from what I really wear - although I choose to wear a 14 here (U.S. size 10), I'm really a 12 (U.S. size . I just can't bear fitted clothes.
3) see # 1
4) Even though I'm four months pregnant, I've seen pictures of other four month pregnant women and I look way less pregnant than they do. And I'm carrying twins. I'm some kind of carnie freak. I worry this means I'll explode in a haze of purple stretch marks in a few months' time.

So yeah. The need hasn't been huge, but I can't go around with my zippers just unzipped anymore, the clothes, they do not fit.

So off to the shops then.

I went to a nearby Next shop. Now, I like Next. Next is ok. Next is the first shop I stopped at on my first visit to the UK, when I had under-planned a visit to the biting cold that is an English winter and desperately needed gloves and a scarf. I knew that Next had maternity gear, so I decided to see what they might have for someone that's pretty loathe to invest much money in preggo clothes.

I found a number of empire-style tops and such, but they had ridiculous patterns. It's like stepping back into the 80's, when women were expected to wear pinafores and little ribbons around their necks as they work the "Seriously, We Are the Antithesis of Sexy" look. Maternity clothes used to be (I think) a form of punishment, the scarlet letter A for those whose uteruses (uteri?) had removed the "For Let" signs. I know that for most pregnant isn't considered a time for women to be hot-Angus is not a fan of the pregnant look, he doesn't think women "glow" or are "femininely sexy", to him the pregnant woman is just that - pregnant. I must say I'm feeling pretty sexy lately (it must be the hormones), and I certainly don't want to strap myself into something that's the polyester equivalent of a chastity belt.

I picked up a few things to try on, as maybe I was just being ridiculous and slightly over-sensitive and what woman doesn't want to be swathed in fleecy ice cream cones? I grabbed the UK size 12 (one size smaller than I used to wear) since I felt I needed to get a grip on this self-esteem issue (which is always a bold move when you're up 7 kg on the scale. Nothing says "love thyself" than seeing your body creep up 15 pounds.) I tried on the froopy, cutesy empire shirts and they worked well-the only area that's growing on me is my waist, my arms and shoulders are the same size, so the clothes fit well.

As I was leaving, I asked the attendant if that was all the maternity clothing they had.

"Oh that's not maternity," the size-00 attendant replied. "Those are for our larger women. This store doesn't stock maternity clothes." She adjusted her sparkly superfluous belt around her malnourished hips and went about her business.

What? They don't have maternity clothes? These ridiculous patterns are what the shop felt was best intended for plus-size women? Moreover, the cut and pattern of the clothes is perfectly aligned for the pregnant folk (and in fact, I was one of three knocked up chicks perusing the section), yet they expect non-pregnant women to wear these cutesy cuts? NO ONE but a pregnant person looks ok in these cuts, mostly because all the shape of the clothing does is reaffirm to people that there is a bun in the oven, but also because people expect pregnant women to radiate "I've already done that sex bit, so move along". Are plus-sized women horrified at this kind of selection? What, do shops think that because women are a few sizes more they need to be interpreted as someone with an active uterus?

And moreover, when did a size 12 get labelled as a plus-size? I'm not the tiniest of chicks, but if a size 4 is the norm then hand me the nachos please, because I want off the island.

Anyway, I selected a soft dress that has absolutely no waistline and room to grow that I can wear for work. I chose one of the least cutesy tops I could find, which is a top in a dark purple color. And I picked up a casual summer dress that's also empire waisted, so that I can wear it around the house and shops. It's shockingly short, but I figured-Fuckit. My legs look fine. I may not be the hottest chick in town, but I feel pretty sexy, and just because I'm a constipated incubator, it doesn't mean I can't try to feel good about how I look.

As I was perusing the stock one more time, I saw a soft, airy white cotton dress. It was so lovely. I looked at it and immediately though of E.M. Forster's Room With a View - I could wear it and spank the Edwardian ass. I saw myself in it, serving up gin and tonics in our sun-filled garden (though not drinking one, of course), with a wide-brimmed straw hat and daintily polished toes as I tiptoed through the gentle grass and laughed in a delicate and tinkly laugh at my guests' witticisms.

(I might have been channeling a bit of Gone With the Wind there, I could be wrong.)

I had to try it on. They only had it in a size 10, but as the waist was also quite high, I figured me and my Lemonheads could fit in it. I would look like the perfect English-American-pregnant-with-twins-but-not-suffering-swollen-ankles hostess. I would flit, I would float, I would fleetly flee I'd fly.

I headed back to the dressing room, holding the white cotton dress seperate from the other maternity-like clothes, whose very presence could besmirch the purity that was my perfect summer outfit. I got into a dressing room, pulled the curtain (Yeah, um, seriously, Next - consider real doors. It won't kill you.) and took off my clothes, leaving on only my bra, knickers, and Family Guy socks (thanks, Teresa!). I smiled at my curvy stomach with Helena Bonham Carter kindness. I unzipped the side of the dress, lifted up the layers of white dress and started to slide it over my head. I was Emma Thompson. I was grace. I was in perfect harmony with my inner woman.

I was also clearly pretty hormonal, because once I got it on I looked like I had seized a sheet off the bed and decided to work it, a la toga style. The dress made my waist look wider than the state of Montana. My breasts were held up in the empire-waist style, but they also looked like you should put a quarter between them and then pull my arm and see if you could hit the jackpot. I have seldom looked worse in a dress than that one. If flour sacks become the rage, I'm going back for that dress, because it worked the baking angle in every way, shape, and form.

My Forster dreams collapsed, I frowned and immediately started to pull it off my head. I was angry. I had to be cleared of this white hot molten cotton mess as fast as possible. In these situations, I typically don't think I just react, and my reaction was to angrily remove the dress by seizing the bottom and heaving it upwards. This meant the dress turned inside out as it was coming up. This was, clearly, a mistake.

Because I'd forgotten to unzip the side before I started taking it off.

I was stuck.

I couldn't get my arms back down as my shoulder conveniently decided to lock. I couldn't get the dress back down because I was swathed in those previously cute looking layers of white cotton. I could see myself through the mirror, and there I was-my stomach riding high over the tops over my underwear and, in this position with my arms raised, I didn't look pregnant, I just looked like the Dorito eating champion of the world. And I noticed with a start that there was a hole in the front of my black lace knickers.

I struggled some more. I couldn't move. I was stuck in a white cotton straightjacket. I started swearing.

"Are you ok in there?" came a voice from the other side of the divider.

"Er...yes. Just a problem with a dress," I replied. I was getting hot battling my nemesis white dress. My face felt like it was on fire.

Suddenly, my curtain parted. I froze like a deer in the headlights. I couldn't even cover my bits as my arms were stuck above my head.

"Oh you poor dear," said a voice.

Oh. My. God.

There's a woman standing there witnessing my retail horror. And I was not invisible, she could see me. And she could see my pants. And they have a hole in them. And my bra doesn't match. And my baby paunch was hanging perversely over the top of my pants, like I was Roseanne Barr or something.

But hey-at least she was wearing one of the cutesy empire waist shirts, so there was some karma.

"Is everything ok over here?" came the voice of the attendent with the praying mantis body.

OH GOD, NOT HER. If anyone is to witness my downfall, let it be Angus, let it be Oprah, let it be Hootie and the Blowfish, just don't let it be the super skinny chick.

But of course she saw.

I'm fairly certain I heard the Lemonheads sniggering at that point.

"You're stuck," she said flatly.

Ten out of ten for the fucking obvious, babe.

"I think that's not your size," she says, observing me and taking in the unmistakable curve of a stomach that hasn't seen situps in over 4 months. I saw her lip curl. I saw her twitch, like the only way she was going to get out of the situation ok was if she dropped and gave us 20.

"Actually, it fit ok, I just forgot to unzip it," I say desperately. Why are we talking when they can see my Family Guy socks?

The two women reach over and help me get the dress off, at which point I lose an ear, the skin off my left shoulder, and any shred of dignity I had left.

The attendant hands me the now crumpled dress. "Shall I get you another size?" she asks archly.

"No," I reply firmly. "No, that dress and I are done now." I shake my hair out of my eyes and see myself in the mirror-my face is the color of an angry sunburn and I have static electricity giving my hair that absent minded professor look.

I get dressed with whatever confidence I have left, pay for my other two dresses and shirt, and leave. That feeling sexy bit that I referred to earlier? Yeah. DUST IN THE WIND.

White cotton is clearly something made by the devil.

-H.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 09:19 AM | Comments (23) | Add Comment
Post contains 2070 words, total size 11 kb.

1 LMAO... oh dear. You told the story so well. A friend of mine found herself in similar circumstances in Karen Millen a few months ago - although I think they HAVE doors on the changing rooms. The poncho\smock\bag look seems to be big this year. I'm a size 14 as well and barely topping 5 foot (but not preggers) means I look like a bag of old socks trying on the 'latest fashion'.

Posted by: Elisa at May 14, 2007 12:11 PM (6/XCd)

2 A Pea in the Pod has wonderful maternity, not frumpy smocks, but fabulous things. Even lingerie. Check them out online. Pregnant sex is the best, isn't it?

Posted by: Teri at May 14, 2007 12:30 PM (K7jOL)

3 I think you're a little out on the US/UK Size conversions. There should be only 1 size difference. UK 10/US 8 UK 12/US 10. However it can vary from store to store based on whether they have moved on from the sizing standards set up in the 50's!! And don't get me started on clothing for 'Plus sizes'. I am so bad at working out what looks good that my pregnant friends still managed to look better dressed than me, given that their options for decently styled clothes were so limited, that's a pretty mean feat. So, here's where they shopped, Dorothy Perkins for general stuff http://www.dorothyperkins.com/ http://www.jojomamanbebe.co.uk limited stores couple in the home counties, but online/catalogue too. There is also a nice store called "Blooming Marvellous" http://www.bloomingmarvellous.co.uk/ my friend who I give the "best dressed" award to each year (has 3 kids <5 and still manages to colour co-ordinate her Jewellery!!) Liked that store although it was a little pricey given the short duration for which she would wear it. She used to justify it by saying that it was about the same length as a clothing 'season'. Floaty dresses look bad.... always...only Kate Moss and her Skeletal crew can carry them off, oh and 3 yr old girls..

Posted by: Jayne at May 14, 2007 01:07 PM (q5uvl)

4 Hey, look, you're already collecting Lemonhead stories! And yes, plus sizes suck. I'm a plus size but I'm 5' 0" so all my shirts hang to my knees - not pleasant. And the styles suck and the fabrics suck and .. no wonder I'm fasion challenged.

Posted by: Hannah at May 14, 2007 01:13 PM (5w+E2)

5 Jayne-I thought there was a one size difference, too, but a website told me otherwise. Maybe the world is getting biased. Dunno, but I do know I owe you for the links-I hit Blooming Marvellous' sale section like a sailor on shore leave, and have an order coming my way now. Teri - I loooooove Pea in the Pod. Too bad they bend me over for the shipping charges. May see if my Dad is planning on coming to visit, then I can ship them to him and he can bring them over. Thanks!

Posted by: Helen at May 14, 2007 01:40 PM (gzjSb)

6 OMG - it sounds just like something that would happen to me. I see clothes - get pictures in my head - and then crash and burn with the reality that despite all hoping I am not built for most clothes. Hopefully some day a smart woman with fashion sense and realistic expectations for what things should cost will start an empire for the rest of us....which I think is probobly most of us...sigh. (have you tried Gap online? - they have a lot of maternity stuff as does Target)

Posted by: cursingmama at May 14, 2007 01:41 PM (PoQfr)

7 OMG, I would have died of embarrassment! Or punched one of them. Or maybe both. I probably shouldn't mention this because I know you don't have Target over there, but I think their maternity clothes are super cute. In fact, I wish they made their maternity clothes in regular sizes, because I like them better than the regular clothes!

Posted by: geeky at May 14, 2007 02:07 PM (ziVl9)

8 I know what you mean about plus-size clothes looking like the rejects from the Pucci House of Fashion in the 70's and 80's. Gag me. I tried on some of those empire-waist tops last week and they just accentuated my already too large looks-like-a-pregnant-grandma belly.

Posted by: kenju at May 14, 2007 02:49 PM (DBvE5)

9 Ehh, I don't know what the problem is. I think that pregnant women are sexy; I'm sure that you're no different. Just ignore the anorexic "need more bbrraaaiiinnnnss" chicks. Show them what a real woman looks like.

Posted by: physics geek at May 14, 2007 02:52 PM (MT22W)

10 I, too, am a plus size - only I'm tall so I carry it all funny. Any-hoo, I just wanted to say that those empire waist things make everyone look preggers, even if you're not. I had a dress like that in high school when I was a twig and it STILL made me look like that. Funny story... yes, you will be having lots of funnies to share with the Lemonheads!

Posted by: sue at May 14, 2007 03:03 PM (WbfZD)

11 I second (third?) Target's really nice maternity clothes-should your Dad came to visit you should send him a package first. I will keep my eyes peeled for you-maternity clothes can seriously suck. And don't even get me started on empire waists. As a buxom gal you know that shit just hangs off the boobs and hides all will evidence of being a female and instead just screams potato sack. If they just would have looked at the Family Guy socks none of this would have happened.

Posted by: Teresa at May 14, 2007 03:15 PM (wFNOt)

12 Old Navy has a maternity line of clothing as well. I am sorry for your embarassment but you write so well my imagination had a clear picture of you stuck, you can laugh about it later on! :-)

Posted by: Steff at May 14, 2007 03:43 PM (fIFtd)

13 LMAO, hon. What a trip. I may be the ONLY plus sized chick who doesn't look preggo in those empire waist things. Of course, I have huge boobs and a long waist, so that helps, even though I am short. But yes, I do resent the UGLINESS of the selections, which is why I only shop in stores like Torrid that have CUTE clothes.

Posted by: caltechgirl at May 14, 2007 04:38 PM (r0kgl)

14 Helen next time bring a bag of Big Mac's with you. You know how garlic repels the vampire, the Big Mac will keep the skinny judgement witch away. Seriously, I don't even go to the dressing rooms anymore. The last thing I want to see is my pasty white ass naked in front of a full length mirror with that glaring white light shining down on and exposing every ripple on this aging body. Unless I'm buying something for a speical occation I usually take my casual selection straight to the register and get the hell outta there. I try the stuff on without the dressing room security camaras in the privacy of my own home, and if it doesn't fit...it goes back on my next errand trip out around town.

Posted by: Heidi at May 14, 2007 04:52 PM (Sx4cq)

15 Hmm, so does this mean I'm the only one who thinks those flowing empire waist shirts are cute?? Don't tell me husband, I just can't let him win this one! Glad you made it out of the dress. I can't even tell you how many times those sneaky little zippers on the side have made a fool of me!

Posted by: Erin at May 14, 2007 04:56 PM (VkeXi)

16 OH NOES! *laughs and commiserates at the same time* Oh Oh Oh! AHAHAHAHA! That has almost happened to me, too. I have gotten stuck before and just stood there sweating it and pulling and trying not to tear the clothes. I've always managed to extricate myself but there have been a couple of times I thought I'd have to ask for help and by god the merest thought of that just made me want to disappear into the floor. At least you're not alone, Helen, lol! I'll bet most of us have had that happen too.

Posted by: The other Amber at May 14, 2007 07:33 PM (zQE5D)

17 Well I have never gone with a woman to buy a dress ao this was interesting. I hope your happy with what you finally bought.

Posted by: DR John at May 14, 2007 08:11 PM (vAWbT)

18 FWIW, when my ex was pregnant, she lost wieght for two months, then gained. However, by the time she delivered, given the eventual size of our daughter (9 lbs 3 oz), my ex was way below her expected weight at delivery. The pediatrician never explained the why or how of it, but my ex apparently burned off a lot of fat during her pregnancy, and essentially she traded fat space for baby space. There was no special dieting involved, unless you count that my ex ate pretty much anything that came within reach for a few months, then settled into a heavy-duty fruit craving to supplement normal mealtimes. I've never heard of such a thing happening to anybody before or since, but I can only hope you're blessed with what I would guess was her metabolism ramp-up while pregnant. My two bits..

Posted by: palamedes at May 14, 2007 09:11 PM (cq3pU)

19 Hmmph.... She should have a pair of Muppets PJ's to wear about the house. Then anytime she feels down.. Kermit will sing... "Its not easy being Three....".

Posted by: LarryConley at May 15, 2007 02:36 AM (NxPtK)

20 I had only a few things that I really liked maternity wise. I wore the shit out of them and now I never want to see them again.

Posted by: statia at May 15, 2007 04:34 AM (KcrOI)

21 Reminds me of an incident at one of our SCA (medieveal reenactment) wars a few years ago. We were camped out with a group of our friends, and Jen had gone into the tent to change. The garb she usually wears (14th century) involves a form-fitting cotton underdress under a larger, bulkier outer dress - a recipie for disaster, expecially when one is changing in a tiny tent. I heard the familiar cry from inside of "John...I need help with my dress" I valiantly rushed inside to help. What was heard from outside the tent by our friends a few moments later was a very shrill Jen yelling "No, on!!! ON!!! Not off!!!" I think I actually got applause from my friends when I finally emerged.

Posted by: maolcolm at May 15, 2007 09:51 AM (XQhLo)

22 Yes, plus size women are horrified at what is available to them. It is totally and utterly unfair. The years I spent as plus size were made 10x more miserable becauuse of the clothing. Luckily, I lost 135 pounds and all is good, but I really still feel for women who are stuck there. It is hard to feel good about yourself when you are forced to wear really ugly shit. BTW, Ponchos don't look good on ANYONE.

Posted by: Dani at May 16, 2007 10:38 PM (0YJjk)

23 I'm a fattie that has actually bought some stuff IN the maternity section of some stores before. Seriously, there are some really cute tops and skirts around for pregnant women. ^_^ I don't care if someone thinks I'm pregnant as a result. They sometimes think it anyway. People tend to think that is the only acceptable reason to have a big belly or fat on the body. :-p

Posted by: crunchie-hime at May 17, 2007 04:18 AM (Cg7Hy)

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So, I was warned by others that if/when I ever got knocked up, that basketball known as my uterus would become public property. Ripe for the opinions, advice (well-intentioned or otherwise), and for people touching me (no one's tried that yet. I will personally bitch slap the first person who does*. I am not a Care Bear, do not touch the stomach.)

So far, I haven't been disappointed (except the stomach rubbing part. Luckily, I'm safe from that. I think I generally give off the "I am not a smurf, don't pat me" air.) I get a lot of advice (generally well-intentioned, and of that advice, it's very welcome. Hints are good. I like hints.)

What I haven't had is a lot of real-life gasping horror at how we're planning things-I've had emails and comments, but no one has said anything to my face. Maybe I don't get that as my colleagues here don't really flap one way or another - we're a close bunch, but as long as our project plans get done, then hey-paint your face purple and run a parade float, who gives a shit? My family has turned out to be surprisingly hands-off-I thought my dad would be running interference, but his line has staunchly been "whatever you want to do, I support you". Props to my dad, then. He does sternly admonish that although I'm a vegetarian, our children should be meat-eaters, and actually I agree. I think being a vegetarian is a choice up to the individual, so if the kids decide to not eat meat then cool-that's their call.

My father has had one issue with me, though.

He wants us to get married before the babies are born.

My short answer to him was: No.

My long answer to him was: No.

I know it seems like we're going about things the wrong way, but Angus and I have both been married before. To us, we maybe see things a bit more...cynically. We're jaded. Don't get me wrong, we're engaged and we will get married, but neither of us personally see being hitched as a major showstopper in producing babies. They are coming out of the chute regardless of whether or not there's a marriage certificate to burst through like a scene from Chariots of Fire.

Unmarried families seem to be the norm in Sweden (I could count on one hand the number of married couples I knew there.) Likewise, although married families are more common that unmarried ones in England, we do also know a number of couples that aren't married but raising children together. In the U.S., the incidence of unmarried families is rising as well and is currently at an all-time high-30% of all parents are unmarried, and a study showed that unmarried couples with children tended to be the most stable relationship. This is exactly what we want-stability. I have a severely unstable background, I won't have that for my kids.

In some areas I'm a seriously stubborn chick. I won't marry for a visa - I have a work visa, thanks, and I prefer to be here on my own two feet (insert strains of I am Woman Hear Me Roar here.) I won't marry because I'm pregnant (insert strains of Deliverance here.) I won't get married for any reason other than I love the man and I want to spend the rest of my life with him. And I do love my man and want to spend the rest of my life with him, it's the details that need working out. Angus wants a big wedding with all his friends and family so cool, we can do that (personally, I'd prefer a beach deal with just the two of us, but I know he's a bit of a traditionalist, and that's fine). But it'll be a lot of stress to arrange, plan, and hold a wedding between now and October, and I'd really rather not do it while desperately searching for empire waisted dresses to accommodate a growing bump and hoping to God I'll poop sometime in the near future, although ideally not moments before that "walking down the aisle" part. I want a proper honeymoon, with alcohol and sun and scuba diving, none of which are ok now. And as I keep growing, I'll be on a travel ban soon enough, we feel there simply isn't time enough to plan these things.

He and I are resolute-we will get married.

Just not this year.

Angus' family, whom we met at his mother's home in East Sussex last weekend, asked us similar questions. It turned out to be quite a nice visit, although the middle of it was pockmarked by my contentious views. I swear I never mean to cause waves with them, but this time it was rather unavoidable. Over the dessert course his family asked us when we'd be getting married this year and asked if they should buy tickets (for some reason they have it in their heads that we're all flying off to Hawaii together and Angus and I are going to united in matrimony there. Neither Angus nor I have the faintest idea where they got this idea from, it hadn't occurred to us and the idea didn't originate from us. It does, however, seem to the plan that everyone wants and expects.) We explained to them that we wouldn't be getting married this year.

Insert gasps of horror from his family.

"So...your kids will be..." chokes his sister-in-law Terry.

"Little bastards, yeah," I grin, finishing her sentence for her.

"But they will be missing out on their rights!" she exclaims.

"Really? What rights will our children lack?" I ask.

She was unable to answer.

I thought so.

If we thought that was bad, our next announcement was like dropping a bomb on the quiet English countryside.

"And we're not going to have a Christening, either," Angus announces.

We're not. Neither of us are remotely religious-Angus could loosely be described as a Christian, as for myself I pretty much walk the agnostic line and have done for some time. We both feel that religion is like being a vegetarian-it's a choice. If our kids decide to be baptised someday, if they decide to be churchgoing, then we will support them in their decision. But Angus and I come from different backgrounds-I was raised Catholic, he was raised Church of England. Who are we to say that one religion should trump the other?

That didn't sit at all well with the family. Angus' Mum and Stepfather attend church occasionally. His Fillipina sister-in-law Jane is a practicing Catholic (apart from that whole shotgun wedding thing.) And his conservative brother Adam is a bell-ringer for the local church. Church is the done thing in his book, which is titled "I'm a Traditional Man in Absolutely Every Way, Shape, and Form."

Adam looked horrified.

"If your babies die, they'll go to hell!" he preached.

My first thought was: Fuck you.
My second thought was: Fuck you.
My third thought was: I may have gained 6 kilos already, but I can outrun you and kick your skinny ass, white boy, which I'm going to do right now.
My fourth thought was: Fuck you.

There are a lot of things I struggled with about Catholicism. Birth control being a big (and rather fundamental) one, but another one was the ridiculous notion of limbo, a concept that I personally felt was a weak, pathetic, horrific attempt by the church to scare mothers into shuttling their kids off to the Catholic church. Based on the idea that a newborn needed to "wash away the original sin" of sex between the parents, a baptism was the only way that the sin could be removed and the child could go to heaven. No baptism, no golden ticket to the pearly gates. That's the church's view. This view is unforgivable to me, the idea that an innocent child is born guilty and going to hell just because of the actions of the parents. The new pope actually stated recently that there are ideas about changing the idea of limbo, in a suspiciously wimpy there are "grounds to hope that children who die without being baptized can go to heaven", although he has also said "Baptism does not exist to wipe away the "stain" of original sin, but to initiate one into the Church". So really, no true progress there.

My response to the Pope's recent discussion on limbo, which made me wildly angry, is along the lines of "Bite me", which goes partway to explaining why I'm a lapsed Catholic. Also, it's why I'm probably going to hell myself, but as I've said before I'll be manning the margarita machine down there, so stop on by for a free cold frosty one.

My response to Adam was somewhat more measured. "Our chlidren are not going to die, nor are they going to hell," I said calmly.

And I actually felt calm, too. Despite the flashed-up feeling I had about being told my kids may go to the fiery hot spot in the south, I felt calm and resolute. His reaction only served to reinforce my stance. I may have been through therapy to stop seeing my life so black and white, but it didn't mean grey applies to my kids yet.

"And the kids are going to be British citizens?" Adam fires off.

"Yes, of course," I reply. "They're going to be both American and British." This is also non-negotiable for us. The children will have the citizenship of both parents. Melissa and Jeff are both English and Swedish citizens and our two kids will be American and English. Angus and I have already discussed this and we feel it's very important.

"So are you going to move with them to America?" Adam asks.

I had prepared myself for that one.

"No, we don't see moving back to America at any point in the future," I reply.

He nods, still assessing me. I know I'm under scrutiny as he's sure that his Jane - who is about the nicest, gentlest person I know - is scheming to move back with their two kids to the Phillipines. I think it's more likely she gets her ass engraved with the words "I like big butts" than witness her moving back to the Phillipines, but hey - it's his suspicion. I am not happy with the idea that someone might view me as a walking Sperm Donor Detector - I am not with Angus purely for his semen morphology which, while impressive, is not what drew me to him. Angus has not outlived his "usefulness". Yes, we may be knocked up, but I'm with him for the very long haul, a family is just another step in this.

I'm a bit angry with Adam, but this is just the way he is. I actually really like him most of the time, he's good company and (usually) a very nice chap. He's just very black and white about issues in life. Traditional triumphs over modern every time. He makes outrageous comments he later has to back down over, and we've seen him have to do it time and time again. I know he doesn't dislike me, but as a divorcee younger foreign woman who has successfully "seduced" his older brother, I suppose I am held with some element of conscious study. Is she ok, or any minute now will her Black Widow tendancies come out?

"We're not planning on moving to America," I reiterate. "But we'd love to move to Australia or New Zealand someday, so that's always a possibility!" It's true, we would very much like to move there, only we have decided we shouldn't while Angus' two kids are still in school and can fly to see him monthly.

This was also not very popular.

Sister-in-law Jane looked relieved I'd taken the heat off. She'd confessed to me under a vow of secrecy that she and her husband (Angus' youngest brother) are thinking of moving their family to Malaysia or Singapore in the near future. I was glad to be of assistance.

It didn't really upset me too much. I'd been sinking my battleships all day anyway.

-H.

*Teresa and Ms. Pants excepted, of course.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 07:24 AM | Comments (30) | Add Comment
Post contains 2055 words, total size 12 kb.

1 My take on kids before marriage is that kids are way harder than marriage so if you can make it through the kids then the marriage was meant to be! I am like you in the sense that I am a bit jaded by marriage and don't see it as a necessity.

Posted by: impossiblejane at May 11, 2007 10:06 AM (eihy3)

2 Jane is right. Kids are way harder than marriage. Having a baby is a stupid reason to get married. Stick to your guns. "Bastard" is an outdated term with no real meaning, (Of course, now the babies no longer the Lemonheads in MY head. They're the "Little Bastards". *lol*) However, you will someday find yourself exasperated enough to actually USE the word yourself. Kids are like that. ;-)

Posted by: ~Easy at May 11, 2007 11:34 AM (vL8BC)

3 um, the Catholic Church stance has changed. http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/18296718/site/newsweek/ i agree about people touching pregnant women's bellies...it's totally invasive. However, on the flip side, i have also experienced once rational female acquaintances or colleagues grabbing MY hand and placing it on their belly for a number of reasons... Uh, thanks, but no thanks.

Posted by: ROSY at May 11, 2007 11:48 AM (HJuyv)

4 Rosy-thanks for that link. I'd thought I heard BBC report the same, but a Google search didn't reward me with an answer! Far be it from me to say Newsweek is wrong, but I do remember being taught that limbo was a "milder, gentler version of hell".

Posted by: Helen at May 11, 2007 12:03 PM (CCyzl)

5 I think the tendency toward belly touching has changed. I'm 9 months at this point and no one has even attempted to touch my belly without my invitation first. I agree with you on marriage, do it your time and your way. I would hate to spend thousands on a honeymoon where I'm limited to not drinking or doing anything remotely fun. As for your future brother in law, I'd have the same gut instinct response. Sadly, I tend to say what I'm thinking quite a bit too. I applaud you on keeping your cool. You're a better woman then me.

Posted by: Minawolf at May 11, 2007 12:09 PM (svbR5)

6 Belly touching? That's a law-suit waiting to happen Here's one of the most important pieces of ADvice (not a--vice) I think parents need to get. It's such common sense and yet one of the hardest things to do. Present a united front (even when you're not in agreement). This seems so simple, but at some point one of you is going to have a "rule" or "rules" that the other one utterly disagrees with. One doesn't want the kids jumping on the couch and the other thinks it's perfectly fine. One doesn't want food in the living room, the other is fine with it. One doesn't want the 5 year old on the roof, the other thought it was fun....but I digress. Once I asked my two angels if they wanted to do something (I can't remember what). They said, "Mom doesn't let us to do that." Thinking it was a completely stupid rule, I unwisely said, "Mom isn't here." So the next time they wanted to do it, mom said no, and they replied, "Dad lets us do it." Don't you know there were heated "discussions" that night. And the next time they wanted to do something "forbidden" when she wasn't there, I said your mom doesn't want you doing that, and they said (you guessed it) "Mom isn't here." Kids instinctively know how to play one parent against another to get what they want. You don't have to agree on everything, and it's probably even good if your kids know you don't agree on everything; but it's paramount to present a united front. Otherwise the parent that doesn't like the rule is acting like a big, rebellious sibling rather than a parent. He/she is making the other parent look bad in the eyes of the children and allowing the children to do what's forbidden. Plus it can cause children to develop a "favorite". Sorry it was so long.

Posted by: Solomon at May 11, 2007 12:45 PM (al5Ou)

7 I also gave off the "touch me and die" vibe when I was pregnant - and so never had the problem of anyone touching my belly! I admire your ability to stand your ground on things that are important to you. I caved and had my daughter baptised, and took her to church for a long time. I felt really strongly that I wanted her to make her own choice, but my family drove me insane for awhile. Thankfully, despite the church and baptism and all that, my daughter (now 13) has chosen to follow my faith path, which is more ecclectic wiccan.

Posted by: Tracy at May 11, 2007 01:10 PM (zv3bS)

8 I can't touch your belly? WHAT? But I just randomly touch peoples bellys, pregnant or not, because you know, it's so normal. I'm joking, I think it's a bit of an invasion of personal space, and wouldn't appreciate it myself. So how about I just send the lemonheads (and you) hugs from the internet?

Posted by: Ange at May 11, 2007 01:35 PM (DGWM7)

9 Damn it I hate when people call me "Ange". Friggen'a. It (computer) usually pulls my full name when I start typing... damn it.

Posted by: Angela at May 11, 2007 01:36 PM (DGWM7)

10 My MIL has been pushing us for some time (two years) to baptise our two-year-old. For a long time we said "we'll see". The last time she brought it up, my husband told her outright "no", and the expression on her face was priceless. I agree that you and A are doing the right thing. You have conviction in your beliefs, both (non-)religious and otherwise, and are thinking about the welfare and longevity of your family. I applaud you for standing up to those beliefs in spite of the nasty looks from the rest of the family.

Posted by: Tinker at May 11, 2007 02:10 PM (HGoEM)

11 Good for you for keeping things civil with the butthead and for avoiding implosion afterwards. I would've been thinking stabbity thoughts at him.

Posted by: lynD at May 11, 2007 02:49 PM (2F9Ak)

12 No one touched my belly, and no one really asked either. I think one or two times I said, "Here feel it." Times must be changing.

Posted by: Judi at May 11, 2007 03:07 PM (wREjb)

13 Our children aren't baptised, if someone said something similar to me I'd say "Well my children do need to be with their mother don't they!" OK poor attempt at humor.

Posted by: Judi at May 11, 2007 03:08 PM (wREjb)

14 "Stabbity" is going to be my new word of the week. I love it.

Posted by: Helen at May 11, 2007 03:34 PM (CCyzl)

15 It just balls me when people get in other people's faces about getting married. We got married at a "traditional time" (right after college), but ONLY because it made more financial sense. Otherwise, we didn't care. We were together, that's what counted for us. Get married when it makes sense for you. Whether that's a traditional white-dress ceremony when the Lemonheads are old enough to toddle down the aisle with Melissa and Jeff (how precious would that be?), or between pushes in the labor and delivery ward (a la Rene Russo in Lethal Weapon 4). You didn't let anyone tell you when to get knocked up, so why should they say anything about the wedding? It's almost ironic that some idiot from the internet has more confidence in your commitment, and what that means for raising your kiddoes than the family does..... One piece of a$$vice, FWIW. From my perspective as a developmental neuroscientist, I agree with your dad. Protein, and especially meat protein is very very very important for brain development. Not like kittens, who MUST have meat, but the less protein that the bebes have to convert, the better it is for them. I know you and your doctors are making sure that you are keeping up with the protein now, but just something to consider for their (independent eating) future. By the time they are old enough to choose for themselves, their brains won't need the extra protein anymore. Hugs and hugs and hugs! And teeny weeny hugs for the lemonheads.

Posted by: caltechgirl at May 11, 2007 03:46 PM (r0kgl)

16 a traditional white-dress ceremony I'd go that route, but after 2 divorces and 2 kids, I'm pretty sure the dress would catch on fire

Posted by: Helen at May 11, 2007 03:58 PM (CCyzl)

17 Hey! Yet another perk of being pregnant again at 40 -- no one (except one very strange woman at the local Albertsons) DARED touch me. It's really not an issue of pregnancy. I have a bubble. RESPECT MY BUBBLE. That's all I'm asking. I'm glad to see that things are moving right along with ye. I do have a personal story to impart -- I was not married to my first child's father when I fell pregnant with him. Hey. It was the late 80's and we were young. And drunk. Anyway. You might want to prepare yourself for the hormonal thing. Because for me? I went to tour the hospital at five months pregnant and after that, I insisted that we marry before I delivered HIS CHILD. I was a freakin' hormonal wreck with that first kid. Your mileage may vary.

Posted by: Margi at May 11, 2007 04:22 PM (eO7hI)

18 Helen, That picture of you today is wonderful and it gives me such hope. I had a breast reduction in January 2007 and I am so worried about my red scars. Yours look wonderful and now I feel so much better about myself. That surgrey was the best thing I ever did, thank you for posting that pic. Without even knowing it you made my day from so very far away. Monica

Posted by: Monica at May 11, 2007 04:30 PM (GHyUE)

19 I'm so glad that no one said anything to me about a christening. I'd have pretty much said fuck you out loud, but I'm really crass like that. Also, you can always wear a shirt that says you have a contagious rash. There were very few people that touched me. And it was with permission. I give off that same air. It's called eau de fart.

Posted by: statia at May 11, 2007 04:31 PM (KcrOI)

20 I knew I liked you. We didn't have our (4) children baptized and had lots and lots of family members letting us know that our children would probably be going to hell. I, like you, feel it is a personal decision to be made by said children when they're old enough to have feelings about it. As far as them going to hell or limbo or whatever because of something WE, their parents, did... that's just silly. I mean, Hubs and I have had this discussion lots of times. We believe in a higher power, but to say that all the little children in Africa or whereever are going to hell just because some missionary didn't "save" them... oh, c'mon... let's be real. Sorry. Hit a sore note there. Also, I'd like to put it on the record that no one even attempted to touch my belly with any of the kids. Except Hubs... and I made him. The marriage thing? Whatever you decide with be the "right" thing. Everyone is different. In case some people weren't paying attention, it is YOUR life. Duh.

Posted by: sue at May 11, 2007 04:48 PM (WbfZD)

21 Oh you know I would never touch that belly without asking first, and would expect to be bitch slapped if I didn't. ;-) I am proud of you for standing your ground. Being good parents is what is important-a piece of paper that says you legally share a last name with someone does not a good parent make. Of course, I am not baptized, nor are my kids. I don't believe in any of that rubbish. Live a good life, treat others as you want to be treated, and have some type of moral standing-that is what I believe. It is the Church of Teresa you could say. My mom and her siblings were never baptized. Eight years ago as my 42 yr. old aunt lay in a hospital bed, about to be disconnected from her life support (she was legally brain dead after suffering a stroke), my distraught grandma had her baptized. Afterwards, the priest looked at my grandma and said 'this is no guarantee that she will still not go to hell'. I could not fucking believe it. Way to pour salt into an already raw wound.

Posted by: Teresa at May 11, 2007 04:51 PM (rINp1)

22 It's interesting to see how people use their relegious ideals as weapons to manipulate others into doing things a certain way...and usually it's all served up with a big dose of guilt. That's of course if you buy into their ideas of what is right and wrong. This is the very thing that starts wars. Now, we all come away with your BIL Adam trying to be helpful and having good intentions, but if I were you in that situation I would have had to slap the stupid right out of him....seriously.

Posted by: Heidi at May 11, 2007 05:39 PM (Wkgvd)

23 they will be missing out on their rights! Huh? And the baptizing thing; I don't get it. So all the children ever born who were not baptized all went to hell? That doesn't sound like a very sensible plan to me since there have been billions of people who were born and died without having ever HEARD of baptism or even Jesus. But I guess they don't count. ;-P Honestly, WHY do so many religions make God into such a total ASSHOLE? "Here, you only get to heaven if you're baptized. What's that? You've never heard of it? Hey, SUCKS TO BE YOU!" Sounds like you handled yourself wonderfully. I'm sure I would have gotten into a screamer; I don't handle that kind of thing very well. Good for you.

Posted by: The other Amber at May 11, 2007 05:43 PM (zQE5D)

24 Helen, If you WERE a Care Bear - what would your Care Bear name be? Love that and will have to use it in the future no doubt!!

Posted by: Sarnie at May 11, 2007 05:57 PM (58uel)

25 No salt on the rim of my margarita, please. I can sympathize with you here - I'm engaged to a lapsed Catholic, who pretends he's a devout Catholic for his family. I'm agnostic as well, and spend a lot of my time wondering what I've gotten myself into with these people. Anyway, great job standing up for yourself and your children! You're a fierce mama lioness already!!

Posted by: Heather at May 11, 2007 06:51 PM (s0rhn)

26 I often forget that you and Ang haven't officially married yet. I always think of you as a unit anyway. If people took a clue from your relationship and put half as much work into their relationships as you and he do, the divorce rate across the world would plummet. (That word looks wrong. Whatever.) Regarding your belleh, know this: while I might note-zerbert you all the hell over the place, I will always *ask* before I really zerbert your belleh or molest your baby casing. However, if I'm just wrasslin' with you and it's not about babies, I reserve the right to zerbert you at any given moment.

Posted by: Ms. Pants at May 11, 2007 08:17 PM (+p4Zf)

27 I have an Aunt and Uncle who never married and have 2 beautiful young adult children. I have always pointed to their relationship as one of the most stable I have ever known. Their parenting is beautiful to watch, the respect they have for one another is a joy to watch. You are a strong and wonderful woman, and you should make every decision based on what is best for you and Angus. This doesn't mean that you will always make the perfect choice, but you will learn from those choices as well. I am amazed at how calmly and appropriately you were able to deal with the questions you faced. I am a lapsed Catholic, agnostic I suppose is the best definition. And things like what Theresa described are why I left the Catholic church. How dare anyone be so certain that what *they* believe is the only truth. Having just gotten married (on my schedule age 41)and had a fairly small ceremony--I agree with your thoughts that the stress is nor reasonable at this point. You just continue to love Angus and those Lemonheads. (I guess your post touched some nerves for me as well--sorry to blather so long.)

Posted by: sophie at May 12, 2007 04:44 PM (1HOa8)

28 On a purely legal point the kids automatically pick up the citizenship of both parents by operation of law - it's just a matter of whether you/they get around to registering it right away. Another thing that evokes shock horror in people like your Mr Adam is that kids born overseas to American parents are "natural born" and can probably even run for US President (once they're 35 yo old ;-) Note the Constitution says 'natural born' not 'native born'. P.S. good for you for not letting religious nutters (or anyone) push you around!

Posted by: Steve P at May 13, 2007 02:31 AM (pcmJs)

29 Ah, don't we all love hypocrites who are more concern about whether other ppl's children going to hell than their own sins ?

Posted by: Lisa Y at May 14, 2007 02:30 AM (Y9uqm)

30 Can I suggest a full packet of those no soak ready to eat apricots. If you eat all of them you might have a catastrophic result in about 20 minutes (you don't need to ask how I know this, I only did it once) If it works at all you can then adjust the dosage to suit. Alternatively you could stuff them up every available orifice of the potential in law (except from the sound of it you'd need more than one bag). We didn't christen our son, when he's of an age he can make his own promises if it suits him to. My mother astounded me by coming out with all this claptrap about being received into the family of the church. So unexpected. I asked her when she'd last been over the church step except for births, deaths and marriages and that ended the conversation. Like everything else in kiddyworld, it's your choice and no one else's business. If it helps at all I understand that regular church attendance here runs at less than 10% of the population so Mr Average is actually not average at all.

Posted by: Caroline M at May 14, 2007 08:39 AM (x3QDi)

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