I finally got a follow up with the joint specialist this week. I last saw her in December, when they took X-Rays and promised to get back to me in a week about the wrist pain. I kept calling and calling for an appointment and getting nowhere, until two weeks ago when I made it perfectly clear that I wasn't going to be calm about this anymore.

"You know that deductible I owe you?" I ask, referring to the £100 deductable I owed them as I visited that doctor using my private health insurance. "It's going to be staying with me until you get me some answers."

Hey, presto, the doctor's schedule opened right up.

I head into the same hospital that I give birth to Nick and Nora in. On my way to the specialist I pass a heavily pregnant woman wearing hospital gowns and thick leg pressure tights, her husband in scrubs, a nurse wheeling an empty bassinette to the theatre. It was exactly what we did on our way to the emergency C-section that would introduce our children to us.

As I watched them walk into the theatre wing, I wished I could go back to that day I had my two. I wish I could remember more about it, I wish I could do it all over again and record every single moment.

With a sad smile, I make my way to the waiting room, filled as I know it will be wih people 50+ years older than I.

When I finally get in to the doctor, she has all the answers. She doesn't explain why she hasn't contacted me in three months, and the letters on my file would indicate they knew what was wrong with me since 7 December. She smiles, wheeling the monitor around to face me, where I'm presented with a dazzling array of grey, white and black shapes that look like an inkblot test to me.

She points to a large white item. "This is the pain in your wrist!" she says triumphantly. "You have a cyst."

Hey, cyst-talk can never be good.

"A cyst?" I ask, hoping the way I ask it means she'll explain more.

"A cyst," she repeats, dashing my hopes of further explanation.

"How'd I get a cyst in there?" I ask.

"It's related to your joint disease," she replies. And then she goes into tendons, collagen, pressure on the joints, blah blah blah.

The good news is, I get to re-book an appointment and go back as they head into my wrist with a giant fuck-off needle and syringe full of steroids to try to collapse the cyst. If that doesn't work I get a visit with the surgeon. I'm not bothered either way - I just want the pain to go away. I want to be able to use my wrist again.

"What are the chances of this happening again?" I ask.

She smiles. "Your joints are failing," she says. "You'll have these kinds of problems for life now."

And I know she's right. My jaw is failing, for example. When I lay on my back I have to push in the sides of my jaw, where the mandible attaches, in order to open my mouth wide. I know it sounds dumb, but it's true - I can feel a little ball of some kind go into a space, and then presto! My mouth opens.

I ask her if it's ok if I do the London Marathon next year - I was going to run it on behalf of the NSPCC this year, but instead am earmarked for next year's marathon.

"Oh no," she replies. "No running. Running causes a jarring motion on the joints. Your running days are behind you."

Fuck.

"You can swim," she says brightly. "And even cycle. But things like yoga, running, martial arts, aerobics, things like that are all out. You may be 34, but you have the joints of someone at least 10 years older than that. "

I leave then, my heart heavy. My marathon days ended before they began and my running shoes are being retired. I have an option for the wrist but other things are failing (so hold on to those pain pads for me a little longer, ok, Melissia?)

It's not the end of the world.

There're a lot worse things in the world that can happen.

But I can't help being a little bit blue that at almost-35 my body's already aging older than my mind is.

-H.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 01:20 PM | Comments (16) | Add Comment
Post contains 765 words, total size 4 kb.

1 Although I think that running is a stupid activity unless someone is chasing you with a gun, I am sorry to hear that. (Hopefully at least there are no proscribed sexual activities)

Posted by: ~Easy at March 05, 2009 01:35 PM (IVGWz)

2 I've been told that there are ways to increase the strength of the muscles that support joints, as my shoulders have this fun tendency to try to secede from their sockets. I'm guessing that my prescription and yours are different, but perhaps there's something athletic you can do to at least alleviate some of the strain and pain? And maybe Tai Chi as a replacement for yoga? Is Angus easily swayed by guilt? Maybe you could talk him into some massage therapy...

Posted by: D at March 05, 2009 01:57 PM (9IvMd)

3 Ugh, poor thing. Not that this makes you feel any better, but The Dude is having his hip replaced in a couple of weeks thanks to a degenerative inherited disease. For years he has been dealing with issues of having a body that is aged beyond its years, so I know of this frustration, albeit indirectly. There are worse things, but then again, most people with problems could say that. There is always someone worse off, but that doesn't make your pain any less real.

Posted by: MsPrufrock at March 05, 2009 03:34 PM (CA+L6)

4 The cyst thing is common in EDS I think. Mary, my eldest, also has EDS and she had a cyst removed from her wrist when she was about 18. We had it drained once but it did refill, so we booked a day surgery. She was in and out in about 15 minutes. Now they do it laparocopically and they is very little scarring. Hers was done the old way but still has only a small line about 3 inches long and with 6 stitches. She recovered quickly and wore a brace for 6 weeks. My son with EDS runs but just had to give up sprinting as he was having his muscles tear away from the shin during his splints. The girls could not run even though one daughter tried, because my husband clocks 80 miles a week and is an elite runner, so we live the marathon training lifestyle at our house. It is very hard living with the limitations caused my EDS. But, to be honest, the more you adapt now, the less pain you will have later in life. This I firmly believe as the joints will hold up better and longer. And yes, I have a box with your name on it!

Posted by: Melissia at March 05, 2009 04:12 PM (IBnue)

5 Aww... sorry to hear this. I have had my own "age awakenings" in the past few years, mostly related to herniated discs in my back, surgeries to repair, and subsequent shoulder problems tied in to my diabetes. Ugh. It is just a fact of life... we all are aging. Just some of us have to go through a little more pain along the way. Here's hoping they get you fixed up and relatively pain free (at least for the time being!). You have a lotta life ahead to face with your lovely family. (I'm with ~Easy on the sex, too!)

Posted by: sue at March 05, 2009 05:02 PM (0K+AI)

6 Good Lord, the misspellings! It cannot be blamed on the the Ehlers- Danlos. My apologies. Only my poor typing and misuse of spell check.

Posted by: Melissia at March 05, 2009 07:02 PM (IBnue)

7 Good Lord, the misspellings! It cannot be blamed on the Ehlers- Danlos. My apologies. Only my poor typing and misuse of spell check.

Posted by: Melissia at March 05, 2009 07:03 PM (IBnue)

8 well, fuck. I'm sorry Helen.

Posted by: wRitErsbLock at March 05, 2009 07:22 PM (0Pi1o)

9 I gotta say, I'm with ~Easy over the whole only running if you're being chased by a dude with a gun notion. But I'm sorry that your dream got binned, because that's just really sad. I can hardly remember bugger-all about my labour, and it's a regret for me.

Posted by: Hairy Farmer Family at March 05, 2009 07:42 PM (h1dkP)

10 Is the yoga out because of the weight bearing or because of the stretching? If it's the weight bearing then Pilates mat work might be OK. (Can I also say that cycling is great, and if I had to pick one of cycling or running for ever I'd go for cycling every time).

Posted by: Katie at March 05, 2009 07:49 PM (UaL+O)

11 Mybe the machine based Pilates would be good - thats all about mproving core muscle stength isn't it and not so much about contorting the joints like yoga. Anyway it sucks to be aging quicker than you have to in any area of the body. Not sure I lile the Dr's breezy manner aboiut it.

Posted by: Betty M at March 05, 2009 07:57 PM (FnD0x)

12 That sucks! I am sorry that you can't run the marathon. You sounded pretty stoked when you heard they had an opening for you. I am like Easy on the whole running thing. Hell, I am hoping I am burning *some* calories just watching Jillian Michaels' 30 Day Shred. So is Wii Yoga out too? That should be against the law or something.

Posted by: Michele at March 06, 2009 02:30 AM (rXEzC)

13 Wait, your jaw does that too? I'm currently waiting on an appointment with a geneticist, who will hopefully be able to tell me if I have EDS or not. Preliminary conversations with them have ended with them telling me that it's a good possibilty but they won't know until they see me. Over here though, EDS is virtually unknown, so who knows what will happen. I do know that regardless of what I get diagnosed with though, my joints suck.

Posted by: Veronica at March 06, 2009 12:07 PM (l5geK)

14 Well all this just sucks. I'm so sorry. I did my first marathon this year and I am nearly 10 years older than you. I am still hobbled and I did it in January. I have NO joint issues. I had no health related issues other than flat feet and I'm still an absolute disaster and have intermittent pain. She is right. It absolutely frickin' SUCKS, but she is right. Its not the marathon itself that tears up the body, its the frickin' training. You do hundreds and hundreds of miles getting ready for it and THAT is what has hobbled me... the marathon was just the icing.

Posted by: Bou at March 07, 2009 02:39 AM (vkUMO)

15 Hate it for you. At least cyst treament advanced from the Bible treatment days, Would smash the ganglion cyst with heavy Bible. Hope it works. Ex-wife had lot of trouble with TJM- hard to hold mouth wide open for long time. Interferred with things she and I enjoyed. A lot.

Posted by: Charles at March 07, 2009 05:21 PM (veOQI)

16 Hate it for you. At least cyst treament advanced from the Bible treatment days, Would smash the ganglion cyst with heavy Bible. Hope it works. Ex-wife had lot of trouble with TJM- hard to hold mouth wide open for long time. Interferred with things she and I enjoyed. A lot.

Posted by: Charles at March 07, 2009 05:26 PM (veOQI)

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I took my Life in the UK test yesterday. I showed up at the test centre desperately sleep deprived, as the insomnia is hitting new lows, and was joined by a number of others like myself - Kiwis, Americans, Algerians, Fillipinas - all needing to pass this damn test. After parting with £33.28, I started the test. You get 45 minutes to answer 24 questions.

It took me 1 minute 36 seconds, which the test centre says is a new record.

I aced the test.

So in one week I send in my paperwork for my Indefinite Leave to Remain. It will cost me £750 and more info than I've ever had to give to the Home Office previously, including every single time I've been out of the UK, why I've been out, and for how long. That was unbelievably difficult to do, actually, and I had to use this blog and various blurred passport stamps to try to work out the details.

I then have to wait a year before I can apply for citizenship, as I am here on a work visa. It's increasingly important to me to be a dual citizen. I worry about the changing tide here - immigrants are becoming the bane of society as the job market shrinks, as layoffs happen, as people compete over jobs that immigrants are also competing for.

We've discussed getting married to short-circuit this process. I'm partial to this site personally - Angus wants a wedding and this could get it done for not so crazy money, as long as we're prepared to get married on a Thursday (we are) . And we discuss it then we have an argument about something unrelated, as we did a bit ago that turned into a 5-day ballbuster, and we postpone the talks because in typical Helen and Angus fashion when we get on it's fucking amazing and when we don't we make the Civil War look like a minor skirmish over blue and grey. But wedding talks are on the table to some extent, and I have to say - I'm fucking useless at this wedding planning business which is ironic considering I've already done it twice.

Watch this space, anyway.

I went to dinner with a friend in London last night. Instead of wearing my usual jeans, I slipped on a skirt and top. It was cold so I grabbed the coat and gloves and purse my folks gave me. On the train I tucked up with a book and then, once arriving at Waterloo, saw myself in the glass of the train.

There I was, makeup and jewelry on for a change. The coat was Burberry, the gloves Prada, and handbag Mulberry. The girl wearing all of them was a fraud.

A small, pathetic hometown girl wearing clothes she hasn't bought, wearing clothes that she doesn't emulate. The lipstick looked garish, the clothes said "Look at me and my confidence. I belong here." And in my head statistics flew round - 0.5 percent of the UK population is Black African. 10% of the UK population is Roman Catholic. Click inside the box to indicate your answer, you have 45 minutes.

This visa nonsense is the last bit of bureaucracy I have to deal with. I have the driver's license and have served out my probation. I have the work visas and the forms showing the amount of tax I pay each year. It's just this last route.

Years ago we lived in Colorado Springs. I remember going to Stapleton Airport in Denver, riding on the walkways to the terminals. It was the first time I ever rode on a moving walkway, and I remember that it went one direction and then, over a chasm that crossed the building, the moving walkway would go in the other direction. I used to imagine that something in life would happen that would have me on one walkway, moving in one direction. On the other walkway I would see someone I loved and needed moving in the other, and I couldn't get to them.

It's funny the things we worry about.

-H.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 10:26 AM | Comments (12) | Add Comment
Post contains 691 words, total size 4 kb.

After joining Good Reads I've honestly been having a grand time listing the books I've read and reviewing them. I have seen others reading books I want to read and had a recommendation from Genie. In short, I'm loving the website.

I haven't forgotten about the virtual book club, either, and will have a few options for reading in a week or two. But first, I have been directed to something I have to read, and not in that "Oh my God, if I don't read that then I might just die!" kind of way. I mean must read in the "I cannot fail this test kind of way." Also it falls into the "Christ this is boring" and the "I'd rather be visiting the dentist" categories.

I'm reading this book.

And I'm reading it because I take my Life in the UK Citizenship test on the 3rd of March.

As of March 6th, I will have been in the UK for 5 years. This is the qualifying residency period to go to the next step - Indefinite Leave to Remain or UK citizenship. When I entered the UK I did so under an HSMP visa, a visa scheme that has now been phased out. My visa is good until 2011 but I am aware of a movement to start purging these fair shores of the dreaded foreigners who are taking British jobs.

Additionally, the government is making noises to change the way people can enter and stay. Later this year people who seek citizenship will be facing probationary periods and "good character" requirements that include X hours of volunteering for the community. Volunteering is such a practical option for someone like me, who works full time, has a house that needs attention and then there's the small matter of the two toddlers I'm raising.

I now qualify for indefinite leave to remain, a little matter which will cost me £750 and passing the Life in the UK test. Alternatively, I could pay £655, pass the Life in tke UK test, and become a citizen. Bargain.

The truth is, it's important to me to try for citizenship for two reasons:

1) I have a real concern that they're going to start clamping down hard on foreigners coming and staying. They're overhauling a lot of the current rules and schemes and making it that much harder to get in.
2) It's important to me to have the same passports as my children, who are also dual citizens. If I get UK citizenship then I am also a member of the EU. Should things get really bad here then as a family we can move and work anywhere in the EU. This kind of flexibility is important to someone as paranoid as I am.

I will keep my US citizenship, by the way. They allow dual citizenship here and I would never revoke my US citizenship. But it's strange - I feel as though if I can get UK citizenship then the future has a lot more in the way of options.

My application (and £655, which is not something I can really afford right now) and whole swath of supporting documentation and paperwork head into the government on the 6th of March.

I take the test the 3rd of March. I'm both worried and not worried - I want to pass, but seriously one of the lines in the official study guide was "In the UK, homes are serviced by running water in the kitchen and bathrooms."

Oh Jesus. That's what that shiny silver thing in the sink is then. As though people who have been living here for 5 years now hadn't worked that one out yet.

Here's to hoping it's all smooth sailing, unlike the last time I had to apply for a visa.

-H.

PS-thanks to everyone who pushed me over the 25,000 mark yesterday. The 24,999th comment was made by the wonderful Vicki, and the 25,000th comment was nailed by March 31st birthday girl Mitzi. Love to both of you, masses of respect, and I'll think of some kind of reward, Mitzi.

Update - fuck. An extremely helpful email from T (hi T!) enlightened me a bit. As I'm here under an HSMP visa - which means I have to work, have no access to services, and contribute a large portion of my salary to taxes - I have to get indefinite leave to remain first. And I have to have it for 12 months before I'm allowed to apply for citizenship. I have to pay both the £750 and the £655, and I have to wait another year. Three years ago they moved the requirement for residency from four years to five. Now it's five to six. I'm just chasing moving goalposts.

Fuck.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 09:54 AM | Comments (15) | Add Comment
Post contains 815 words, total size 5 kb.

1 Phew!!! I missed it by one!! I can still play the lottery! Congrats on 25,000! I think 24,999 was the REAL milestone personally! :-)

Posted by: Vicki at February 20, 2009 11:52 AM (2VoLW)

2 Wear a low-cut shirt to your test. It's the only reason I have a California drivers license. I mean seriously, they ought to avoid asking people from Boston when U-turns are legal. The answer is "when I fucking feel like it, and if it's going left in a one-way street, I can do that, too, because I'm a Masshole."

Posted by: D at February 20, 2009 12:39 PM (Nim4v)

3 You will do fine! I was freaking out about the test and so totally studied up the ying yang. Even bought a supplement question study book. Some of the stuff the books cover are hilarious. Like did I really need to know they recruited bus drivers from the West Indies in the 50s?? And why did I quiz my British friends and co-workers and they didn't even know half of it!?! (Although fair enough - I know I would fail the US citizenship test - it is so much harder!) The day of the test I finished it in like 4 mins and when I applied for my ILR they told me I got all of them right. Sweet! I wanted to apply for my citizenship asap (for all the reasons you mentioned above) however I didn't quite make the residency qualifying time (visa break...).

Posted by: Lee at February 20, 2009 12:53 PM (yUcAa)

4 I can't remember if you are married or not - but I think not - assuming they haven't changed the law recently it would be quicker I think if you were. A step too far?

Posted by: Betty M at February 20, 2009 02:11 PM (q0m9f)

5 Good luck, Helen.

Posted by: Jen R. (aaron-n-jen.com) at February 20, 2009 04:01 PM (OpFYt)

6 The whole overhaul of the British immigration system is just ridiculous - it pisses me off that we're going in the direction of, say, Canada or Australia, with their fundamentally deeply xenophobic immigration systems. Has anyone ever thought of the fact that the most basic services in this country are run by immigrants, because UK/EU citizens don't want those jobs? Or has anyone ever considered the huge contributions (in terms of tax) made by immigrants like you? ARRRGH. Sorry for the rant, but I seriously feel for you. The research I undertook for my thesis had to do with immigrant (migrant domestic workers, to be precise), so I feel quite strongly about the whole thing! Good luck with it! I hope the Home Office will suck a bit less than the usual for you...

Posted by: Vanina at February 20, 2009 06:15 PM (/HHdG)

7 I have ILR, and if you want it, I'll sell it to you for £749 for the first instalment, and £654 for the second. I think it's a fair deal.

Posted by: MsPrufrock at February 20, 2009 11:17 PM (CA+L6)

8 Agghhh - so expensive and tedious! We're kind of going through the same thing in reverse, my english partner's trying to get american greencard. So many silly rules. He had to have $250 worth of lab tests to make sure he didn't have any contagious diseases. Interesting, since the test came AFTER he'd already been living in the US for 4 years! Bureaucracy's a bitch. Best of luck to you, I'm sure it will work out fine.

Posted by: Jungletwins at February 22, 2009 08:46 AM (wyPEC)

9 Sorry about the moving goal posts, I know you have been through all kinds of shit to get the visas, etc. Hang in there, and ifyou like, I will send a sternly worded letter to the asshole of your choice.

Posted by: sophie at February 22, 2009 09:07 AM (XxDnO)

10 Wow...amazing....I honestly think getting to read your blog is reward enough.

Posted by: Mitzi at February 23, 2009 02:43 AM (zTrKx)

11 The Life in the UK test is pretty easy! I'm eligible for citizenship in August but not sure if I can afford it yet!

Posted by: Juls at February 23, 2009 11:23 AM (Iqz8+)

12 Bummer on the moving goalposts. But you'll get there eventually.

Posted by: physics geek at February 23, 2009 06:30 PM (MT22W)

13 Argh. But we Brits WANT you. Yes we do. Take me along and I will batter them with my old (navy, in a PROPER cover) British passport and bellow plummily (you know I do plummy), 'She is staying, do you hear me young man? STAYING! And let us have no more nonsense!'

Posted by: May at February 23, 2009 11:43 PM (3jesX)

14 Good luck. BTW checked out good reads website and joined. Looking at you books seems we like many of the same books. Thanx.

Posted by: Charles at February 24, 2009 02:20 AM (maQJG)

15 Well that's rubbish! ILR used to be free and I have a stamp in my old (US) passport saying I have it, but I'd now have to pay huge wodges to transfer it to my new one - or carry my old US passport if travelling on my new US passport. So I carry the old one (or travel on my UK passport).

Posted by: Katie at February 24, 2009 08:09 PM (UaL+O)

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We've run into a problem. We have a diagnosis, a horrible one, that we are trying to undertand, face, and stare down as a family. It first started the other day, we first witnessed it in Nora. We thought it was nothing.

We were wrong.

There she was, a dark red color in her face. Head thrashing, limbs stiff, back straight as a board. Immobile, her whole body jerking exhaustingly. We couldn't believe it - our sweet-faced little girl. Her body was out of control, her features unrecognizable.

We consulted experts. We sought advice. We read up.

There's nothing to do. She's a sufferer. We're sufferers.

We watch our little girl lay flat on the ground, twitching and bright red. The sounds coming from her mouth gutteral and vicious. She becomes somone else, trransformed into something almost feral. We clear the area around her so that she can't hurt herself and wait for it to subside.

We take one look at her, her confiscated toy that she has stolen from her brother dangling helplessly in our hands. She thrashes, she jerks, she screams. We walk away to show we cannot and will not help her.

Nora has discovered temper tantrums.

*sigh*

-H.

PS-I should potentially hit my 25,000th comment today. That seems like a big number to me. That's a big number, right? So, if you make the 25,000th comment then I'll...um....I'll respect you in the morning. And I'll tell everyone you made the comment and that you're my new best friend. And you'll be rewarded in some way. I've not worked out what that way is yet but there'll be something.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 08:59 AM | Comments (49) | Add Comment
Post contains 278 words, total size 2 kb.

1 Is it me? Is it me?

Posted by: Super Sarah at February 19, 2009 09:52 AM (0TP8F)

2 Ah yes, the temper tantrum. My toddler stood next to me today and screamed her little head off because I said 'no'. I swear, I could almost see her insides her mouth was that wide.

Posted by: Veronica at February 19, 2009 10:14 AM (l5geK)

3 Oh boy... the temper tantrum... that's heavy... but has she got 'Stranger Danger' yet? Oh.My.Word I'm nannying for a few weeks and I have been put through the ringer with that... Finally... after 4 weeks and HOURS of screaming we appear to be through the worst... but, man, it's a killer...

Posted by: Deeleea at February 19, 2009 10:22 AM (IphB3)

4 Ah, the tantrum days. I remember them well. And they come back in teenage years too! Just a little different, they are verbal. Not sure which is worse!

Posted by: justme at February 19, 2009 10:22 AM (RZW65)

5 Oh God. Nora's been texting Harry. Obviously. I saw him preparing notes for Tantrum Master Classes 'Show 'Em Your Teeth' & 'Manage Your Headbanging Effectively' last week, but I didn't know who was the lucky recipient. We took Harry to Tesco's cafe for my desired birthday chip buttie on Sunday, and left in a profuse sweat. It had taken two able bodied adults Everything They Had in order to restrain Harry from wrecking the place and assaulting the other - well, let's call them diners, shall we? And he still ended up stood on the table at one point. Let the good times roll!

Posted by: Hairy Farmer Family at February 19, 2009 10:34 AM (lpNi6)

6 Oh heck! Temper tantrums! My niece has some crackers! Very impressive when she gets going but seems to stop as suddenly as she starts! Hope Nick doesn't join in any time soon!

Posted by: Suzie at February 19, 2009 11:02 AM (zJPh8)

7 I recognized the symptoms immediately! My son is a bit younger than your two so I'm ummm proud at how advanced he is! Yeah, that's it, I'm proud! I've decided it's genetic since I've seen similar symptoms from his dad on occasion! Good luck!

Posted by: Vicki at February 19, 2009 11:59 AM (2VoLW)

8 The joy of reading your blog is more than any of us could want for a reward... P.S. Some days I want to throw tantrums myself....

Posted by: Mitzi at February 19, 2009 12:11 PM (JooGi)

9 Ooh, sounds fun. Good luck with that! Maybe it's just a passing phase? Isn't that how that works?

Posted by: Erin at February 19, 2009 12:50 PM (IPMSz)

10 We discovered the joy of tantrums a few months ago. Some days I just want to stab out my ear drums with a fork.

Posted by: Dotty at February 19, 2009 12:52 PM (0hLIO)

11 I remember the first time my youngest sister had a temper tantrum (or the first one I remember vividly, anyway.) She wanted a candy bar when we were going through the grocery line, and my mother said no. She started whining, Mom still said no. Then my sister started shrieking and threw herself on the floor in the cash register aisle. My mother told the people in the other lines and behind us that she didn't want to give in to my little sister and reward her for the tantrum, because she'd be worse next time. They all nodded their understanding, and my mother kept loading the groceries on the register belt over my sister. Then my mother calmly paid for her groceries, and turned to my still shrieking sister and said "we're going to the car now, you can come or just lay here on the floor. " My mother and the oldest three of us walked out, and two minutes later my sister came out looking pretty sheepish. No more public tantrums, although there were more at home. Thank goodness the doors were built well. Good luck!

Posted by: Genie Hughes at February 19, 2009 01:03 PM (6zvrq)

12 Our son had it once. My husband lay himself down on the ground and screamed like mad similar to the little one and then we went off to the kitchen and ignored it. He never did it again. And to the "mine" and "yours": every person needs his/her own personal things. What if you gave both of them a little box where they put a few personal toys in and can say "This is mine!"

Posted by: Paula at February 19, 2009 01:08 PM (Nm4nm)

13 Ooo...that scared me there for a minute! Ugh, the tantrum - we have them over here too. My favorite new trick is when he goes stiff as a board while I am in a parking lot somewhere, trying to buckle him into his carseat. Good times. Shrieking and stiff as a board and wailing like he is being tortured...and I am sure some day a passerby is gonna call the cops. Sigh.

Posted by: Kate at February 19, 2009 01:12 PM (hAQtj)

14 Ah yes. Justme nailed it. The teenage tantrums are worse IMHO. I was always more amused than anything else by the toddler tantrums.

Posted by: ~Easy at February 19, 2009 01:29 PM (IVGWz)

15 Tantrums are like the flu. If you catch it and address it immediately, you can shorten the duration drastically. : ) But if you just let it run its course unchecked, it can go on forever and make you miserable. My encouragement (and what we've done with Angel3) is to find out what they like the least and do it. If it's time-out, spanking, walking away, or something else, do what will stop the tantrums. Otherwise what should be a mildly unpleasant 2 to 8 week training period can turn into the terrible twos and trying threes. You can't stop every tantrum, but you sure can help avoid future tantrums with a little patience, consistency, and perseverance. As a friend of mine always says, "Learn to expect the behavior you're willing to tolerate." Good luck...to both of us.

Posted by: Solomon at February 19, 2009 01:39 PM (T4HxB)

16 My mom swears by putting the tantruming child (me) into the shower and turning the water on cold.

Posted by: Marian at February 19, 2009 02:21 PM (ZD4nv)

17 Comment Lotto. A fun game all can play. Hope you survive the tantrums, but you still have the "terrible two's" to survive through. Enrolled my oldest for high school last night, those milestones just keep coming at you.

Posted by: Matt at February 19, 2009 02:29 PM (/n9kT)

18 The early toddler tantrums are at least rational. You can understand why she's upset when someone takes her toy. When they get a little older and more independent, they will decide things need to be done a certain way, their way, but they will not inform you and will pitch a fit when you get it wrong. Hope you've been working on developing ESP. Good thing they're cute! Even red-faced and screaming. I second the carry-on-as-if-nothing-is-happening advice.

Posted by: a at February 19, 2009 02:30 PM (bRiGr)

19 Phew, I was panicking there for a moment. Good to know it's "only" temper tantrums, haha. We are experiencing tantrums beyond your wildest dreams right now. They are obscene, and the most exhausting experience I've ever had. The other day The Dude was ready to get rid of her - he didn't even need money. Sigh.

Posted by: MsPrufrock at February 19, 2009 02:37 PM (37O6C)

20 25,000.. your my hero!

Posted by: Tracey at February 19, 2009 02:41 PM (jgdKP)

21 Your description was hilarious once I discovered you meant temper tantrums instead of some dreaded siezure inducing disease. Holy cow. Now - next time, take pictures - discreetly, of course, because the walking away and not engaging is the important part and you've got that nailed. Something about having the pictures to show your grandchildren one day - or at least know that you can if you want to.

Posted by: Lisa at February 19, 2009 02:43 PM (YEsan)

22 My son had one of those once. I laughed uncontrollably - what? It was funny . . . and then, he was embarrassed that I was laughing and he stopped. We've never had one again. Whew! Once? Funny. More than once? I'd have been suicidal.

Posted by: oddybobo at February 19, 2009 03:07 PM (mZfwW)

23 I think the prize should be the Aubergine! Abs x

Posted by: abs at February 19, 2009 04:00 PM (HeMyj)

24 I was scared there at first. Not that temper tantrums aren't scary. How did she get old enough for a temper tantrum?

Posted by: donna at February 19, 2009 04:24 PM (xSk7G)

25 Oh dear... good luck! We still have them occasionally, usually when she's overtired or overhungry. I got BITTEN ON THE THIGH as I was hauling her tantruming ass to time-out on Tuesday. For your amusement: f l i c k r . com/photos/sarahmichelef/210559402/ (really? I can't post links to F L I C K R? sigh.)

Posted by: Sarah at February 19, 2009 04:24 PM (D37sb)

26 Please, please don't say that this is the inevitable fate we are going to suffer with my sweet-faced baby niece?!?

Posted by: redsaid at February 19, 2009 04:53 PM (A1CeF)

27 we'll see if i can make a comment without too many typos made by the 8 month old on my lap. megan (another one of those 8 month olds) started throwing tanturms at 3 months. we're in for it with her, i can tell. i hate to break it too you, but like justme said, they never stop. the tantrums take on different forms. i'm sure you've witness the pouty stomp off with melissa, we've seen it a lot in emma (the 10 year old) lately. i wish you and angus well while suggesting you buy ear plugs in bulk. it all reminds me of a video i once saw on america's funniest home videos (oh yes, i watch that show, i have no shame!) of a toddler having a tantrum. he would stop when he noticed his mother was out of the room and then started looking for her. once he found her he threw himself down on the floor in a very dramatic way and started all over again. kids r fun (damn spammers keeping me from commenting?!)

Posted by: Michele at February 19, 2009 04:56 PM (rXEzC)

28 Man, you really had me going with this! Now I've never been a parent before but that must've been a moment you'll never soon forget. Did I get 25,000?

Posted by: Ernie E at February 19, 2009 05:02 PM (1EvX5)

29 I agree with Solomon. I have found that the best way to end a tantrum is to remove the child from the situation. Take them to a safe place where you can deal with him/her one-on-one in a calm way. If you let them scream it out or ignore them it just adds fuel to their already burning fire. If that means leaving the store with a full cart - do it. If that means carrying the child out of a restaurant and dealing with them in the car - do it. If you let the behavior continue, it will because they think it's the best way to 1) get your attention, and 2) get their way, even if it isn't the best thing for them. My daughter once went ballistic in Applebees when my parents were with us. She wanted a balloon and I wouldn't let her have one because we were just served dinner. To get back at me, she took her kids basket and flipped it over on the table. I picked up the food, put it back in the basket, and took my daughter to the car. I told my parents to take their time and continue their meal, to get my food boxed up. My daughter and I went out to the van where she proceeded to scream for about 20 minutes. I held her and talked to her quietly and when she calmed down, I told her why we had to leave the restaurant. She didn't get her balloon and she learned why she had to listen to mom. She still had her tantrum, but it was in a safe place and she learned that she can't use public places, intimidation, and embarrassment to get her way. Plus, the other patrons in the restaurant didn't have their meal ruined because of a screaming child. Consistency is the key when dealing with tantrums.

Posted by: Trainy at February 19, 2009 05:28 PM (/0a60)

30 I dunno - as long as she isn't still throwing full blown temper tantrums as an adult (there is a viral video email thing of a grown woman doing just that) I suspect that this trying time will pass - and some day you will look back on it and smile. My Gameboy used to run as fast as he could toward a wall (or door) stop short and gently bop his head on the wall (or door). It was quite the dramatic display & I am sure we were supposed to think he'd done it all with the speed & ferocity of his run. Thankfully, at 16, he's finally outgrown this

Posted by: cursingmama at February 19, 2009 05:37 PM (PoQfr)

31 OMG .... the worst thing must be that she is so bloomin cute she can get away with anything!!

Posted by: moira at February 19, 2009 05:51 PM (UGBIN)

32 Tantrums are evil, but they do pass. Although my oldest is 18..... Ok, maybe they don't pass. But one can hope, right?

Posted by: grace at February 19, 2009 06:36 PM (8OGiU)

33 You comment-whore. She said sweetly. You panicked me for a moment there about Nora. I thought the poor lamb had developed epilepsy or something. I remember my niece doing the roaring, sobbing, thrashing thing, and then STOPPING IN THE MIDDLE TO LOOK AT US AND SEE HOW WE WERE TAKING IT. We promptly peed ourselves laughing. So Minx bit me next time. Talk about upping the auntie.

Posted by: May at February 19, 2009 06:56 PM (3jesX)

34 Oh man, you scared me for a sec there, I was sure there was some life threatening illness!

Posted by: Amanda at February 19, 2009 08:09 PM (Lcghc)

35 am I your best friend? am I??? am I?? ps... love how you describe the tantrums, cant wait to hear how his higness copies her

Posted by: stinkerbell at February 19, 2009 08:28 PM (O3iDX)

36 greetings from a long time lurker in indiana!

Posted by: jennifer at February 19, 2009 08:33 PM (CWX/k)

37 its just gotta be me!! I need a new best friend! My old best friend Jack Daniels has gone away to find a new best friend He ran off, and now has a coke problem.... *sigh* time for a temper tantrum! hugs! (loved the cyprus adventures by the way!) annie

Posted by: Annie at February 19, 2009 09:02 PM (mxAK2)

38 You scared me crap out of me...I thought you were going to say she was epileptic. Comparatively, that makes tantrums sound much better. On the other hand, I don't have a live-in-baby, just nieces and nephews who I can pawn off when they get annoying...or remind them that when I was young, their parents liked to hang me upside down from my ankles, and I have no qualms about paying them back through a new generation (which is both untrue and physically impossible as I have no upper arm strength, but they don't know that). I'm probably late on the 25,000 thing, but do I get something if I'm like the 25,012nd comment?

Posted by: D at February 19, 2009 09:44 PM (2Q9WD)

39 Abigail does it. I locked her outside once. She didn't like that at all and stopped quite quickly. Next time, however, she didn't. Her favourite thing to do is to rip her shoes off her feet and hurl them - so if you're quick, and anticipate, you can beat her to it. She doesn't like that much

Posted by: melanie at February 19, 2009 10:11 PM (9jW6T)

40 Callie started with the tantrums months ago - she breaks out what we call "the devil voice" - starts speaking in tongues. It's lovely.

Posted by: Carol at February 19, 2009 11:15 PM (Dx6hu)

41 Ok so for some reason on my bloglines at work I only get the first few lines, and our web blocker won't let me view your site so I've been super stressed out at what was wrong with Nora!!! Phew. Glad to know she's just joined the ranks of toddlerhood!!!!

Posted by: kim at February 20, 2009 01:47 AM (lWjPZ)

42 Another stuffed eggplant would make an EXCELLENT comment winner gift! oOo, also, your entry about your trip rocked. Maybe the same "narrated by a veggie pillow" style would work well for a kids' book?

Posted by: Meg at February 20, 2009 01:47 AM (75WzH)

43 Congrats on the comment milestone! It is a big number and it's impressive. If only each commenter had left you $1

Posted by: ig at February 20, 2009 03:07 AM (fCvsS)

44 Hell if it's me you don't have to respect me in the morning. Just link to my blog.

Posted by: Siera at February 20, 2009 03:30 AM (ZrQDr)

45 How do you count your comments? I'd be honored to be your 25,0000ish person!

Posted by: kenju at February 20, 2009 04:58 AM (shDit)

46 I admit it. I panicked at first. Thank goodness Nora is only has the Terrible Twos in her sights. heh Good luck with that one! P.S. Why can't I post the URL of my blog? It doesn't like squarespace!

Posted by: Ice Queen at February 20, 2009 05:11 AM (nqxVT)

47 Holy Cow! 25,000 comments? If that isn't a testament to your writing, I'm not sure anything is! I sort of freaked a little when I read your first paragraph. Thank goodness it's "only" tantrums. Welcome to the terrible twos! I'll be joining you shortly, I'm sure. Sigh.

Posted by: Stacie at February 20, 2009 05:47 AM (p6L8W)

48 tantrum? When she's 15 and calls you fucking bitch, give me a call. I'll come over with martins.

Posted by: vodkamom at February 20, 2009 11:14 AM (BlI+x)

49 Holy freaking cow, I was too tired to see it coming! I'm glad it's nothing that another 23 years won't cure. (I've determined that children finally realize at about age 25 that their parents are worth knowing again.) Hang in there! It can make for a wild ride. :-)

Posted by: Tonya at February 24, 2009 06:09 AM (CruUo)

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The cavalry arrived last night with far too much luggage and big smiles for the babies. I told the nursery that my family may or may not be dropping off the babies at nursery, and got the necessary permissions for it.

"What do your family look like?" I was asked, as they got the authorization for someone other than Angus or I to pick them up.

I thought of my blond-haired blue-eyed babies and then of my Japanese father and stepmom. "Imagine two people who couldn't possibly look any less like the babies if they tried. It's those two."

My folks brought peanut butter, a dozen bagels, and for reasons best known to themselves, a massive tub of salad.

"Oh good," Angus said holding up the giant thing of salad. "You can't get lettuce leaves over here."

"I didn't think you could," my dad replied. We don't serve him much salad as he will only eat the lettuce, we eat it often when he's not around. But somehow he thinks salads are rarities and so decides to fly with his own. Whatever floats his boat.

I'm currently sat next to my dad on the couch, trying to help him organize his iTunes. He's absolutely useless at anything to do with the computer and every time he comes here Angus has to help him fix something that has gone wrong with the computer. Or so my dad says, but usually the problem is located between the keyboard and the chair. Every time I roll my eyes and ask him what the hell he's done now, he looks at me.

"I fly jets," he replies.

"Jets are just giant computers," I counter. Then: "You know what, scratch that. I'd rather not know about the computer competence involved in the current selection of airline pilots." Particularly as I'm getting on an airplane tomorrow.

My dad manages to dress himself and fly airplanes, I suppose I can cut him a little slack on how he manages his laptop.

Until then, I'm hanging with my people. I've supplied a Valentine's Day card for him to give my stepmom, and will be getting him a gift to give her as well. His grovelling has made my support worth it. My dad may be a bit useless, but this morning when we dropped the babies off at nursery Nora - who is absolutely a Mummy's Girl - turned around and reached up for my dad to pick her up.

My dad melted and did so.

Something's going right, anyway.

I'm off to Cyprus. See you on Tuesday.

-H.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 11:28 AM | Comments (16) | Add Comment
Post contains 441 words, total size 2 kb.

1 'Between the keyboard and the chair...' ROFL!

Posted by: Hairy Farmer Family at February 12, 2009 11:56 AM (UA0QP)

2 Have fun!

Posted by: Julie at February 12, 2009 12:21 PM (o4EL2)

3 Have a fabulous time, you deserve it!

Posted by: s at February 12, 2009 12:25 PM (zJPh8)

4 Have fun! I hope you have a great time!

Posted by: Erin at February 12, 2009 01:27 PM (IPMSz)

5 Have a wonderful time!

Posted by: Melissia at February 12, 2009 01:56 PM (IBnue)

6 Have a great vacation! I hope you find time to take at least a few pictures!

Posted by: Lisa at February 12, 2009 02:59 PM (YEsan)

7 Have a great time!

Posted by: justme at February 12, 2009 03:02 PM (pp/5D)

8 Jealous! I have friends in Nicosia. ::sigh:: Enjoy your holiday! L

Posted by: lynD at February 12, 2009 03:35 PM (2F9Ak)

9 have a great time!

Posted by: stephanie at February 12, 2009 03:44 PM (paCk2)

10 My dad has been working in computer software since computers were the size and shape of houses. He can write technical manuals to install programs with wonky names, magically make deleted files reappear, and use programs I can't pronounce. He cannot, however, make his phone play a ringtone, use iTunes, or use uppercase letters in a text message. It makes me a little sad to think that there's a technology wall that his generation hits and can't seem to pass.

Posted by: D at February 12, 2009 07:01 PM (4jXOZ)

11 Have a great trip...

Posted by: Erica at February 12, 2009 07:17 PM (MnSSx)

12 Enjoy Cypus! (Envy envy envy).

Posted by: May at February 12, 2009 07:57 PM (3jesX)

13 Hope you have a great trip

Posted by: Amanda at February 12, 2009 10:54 PM (cqrWD)

14 I hope you are having a fabulous holiday - you deserve it!

Posted by: Carol at February 13, 2009 10:37 PM (Dx6hu)

15 I'm just catching up to all the "letters to my heart" and am so glad. there is so much beauty in them. I particularly love this line in yours: That when silly, light-headed romantic love fades what lies beneath is something infinitely more strong, more wonderful, and more real than you ever whispered to me in the dark when we were young. absolutely lovely! I will definitely be back.

Posted by: WASHWORDS at February 16, 2009 01:49 AM (GhM6c)

16 First of all, I hope that you have a very nice trip!! =) Secondly, since I am new around here, I checked our your about page and then your letters with Kim and some old blog posts. And while I am so very happy for you finally having the babies you dreamed of and waited for so long, and while I am thrilled that you have found a love in Angus that is all-encompassing (or whatever other term shows up in a thesaurus), I am also so deeply, profoundly sorry for your loss.

Posted by: Sarah at February 16, 2009 03:15 AM (ETSTJ)

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...which, I'm sorry, but she does. I can't understand why there is no social responsibility for the fact that she already has 6 children (all under the age of 7)and just had octuplets. And she doesn't work. And she lives at home. And she only wanted them because she has Only Child Syndrome and didn't want a small family and simply loves babies. I'll tell you, I love babies too. Seriously. But at some point you are not there for one of your children if you have more than one of the same age, and I can say that because I have twins. There are times when one doesn't get as much attention as the other. What are you going to do with 14 children now? Hmmmm?

Rant aside, there are child issues afoot over here, too.

Over Christmas we saw real changes with Melissa and Jeff. Melissa has well and truly become a teenager now, she's stroppy, easygoing, moody, fun, and annoying. On Christmas Day she went into a right tiff, decided to lay on the kitchen counter and be a little shit, and write on her Facebook page that she was sooooooooo depressed. Which of course her mother picked up on like Batman recognizing the Bat Symbol, as the Swunt is a contact on Melissa's page.

Melissa never did tell us what was bothering her, but then maybe she doesn't even know herself. I think maybe she was just having One Of Those Teen Days. I sure had them, I know others did, too.

She recently annoyed me when we told them that we weren't going away on a family holiday the end of February, like we usually do. The kids have off next week and the week after, and we often take family holidays. But this year Angus and I have work deadlines and, more than that, we're worried about money. We have a travel savings account with some money in it, but we're of the opinion that money saved is best kept that way just now. We work in an unstable industry, both of us, and we worry. We told the kids that we would all go away in June, and got a response from Melissa that was along the lines of "I'm not coming if you wait until June. I want to go now."

Angus shrugged. "Looks like we'll be travelling without her then, eh?"

I have a problem with Melissa though, in that she doesn't contribute to the housework at all. If she has breakfast her bowl sits by the couch, where she's parked watching MTV (after rising at noon) until you move it. She will clean things up but only if you ask her. I told the kids last time to be diligent about getting dirty clothes into the hamper. The day they were due to leave I am told she wants to wash everything as "she wants it to smell like our house". Nice sentiment, but guess who did the washing?

Angus and I talked about it and he's going to speak to her about things. This is her other house, not her holiday house. She does not get a break from chores because she's here, this is a household and she has to contribute to the running of it. I think she'll do it and I really truly love the kid, but she isn't the easiest thing in the world since teendom has hit.

And then there's Jeff.

Jeff.

Jeff, who at Christmas, was the recipient of an financial arrangement from me. I went to him with a deal. He's saving up his money for an XBox, and I told him that if he would babysit the babies for me whenever I asked throughout the duration of his stay, then I'd give him £20.

He looked at me, confused. "You'll pay me £20 for playing with the babies when you need to do something?"

"Yeah, is that ok?" I ask him.

"Well, sure. But Helen, you don't need to pay me. I'll watch them for free."

That went straight to my heart, where it still lingers and I pull it out on the days when I know the sun isn't coming out.

Jeff followed through on my request and everytime I asked him to babysit he did without hesitation. He also helped me clean the entire house and tidy the garage one day so I gave him £40 in the end instead of the offered £20. I felt he earned it.

Melissa and Jeff have moved out to the country now. The Swunt's moved them. They seem happier there, and Jeff likes his school a lot. But he's really struggling with things.

They've lost their satellite so Jeff's access to English TV is gone. With that gone, he has little interest in the TV. He loves the computer but he gets a lot of shit from the Swunt about it, so he's taken to reading library books. He's actually very clever and inquisitive, and when he's here I have a great time with him.

We found out that the Swunt got a massive tax refund. We're talking...massive. So massive that they left most of their furniture behind in the old house and have bought all new, including new electronics. Jeff did a lot of research on what TV the family should get, checking things online and statistics on performance, but when he went to give input he was told "What could an 11-year old know about it?" Nice. Children always do well when you body chop them at the knees.

He's told me that the Swunt is buying another horse. I asked why, and the reason is so crazy it's almost surreal - when you ride one of the horses the one left behind in the stable gets lonely. So if they buy another horse then no horse in the stable needs to be left alone.

Sweet Jesus who knew the Girl Scouts handed out Crazy Badges?

See, that's what the problem is with me, people. I put my children above my equestrian needs. I should be all about ensuring my pets are happy. Screw childhood, let's all band together and scar a whole generation! Who's with me?

The Swunt and Jeff had another run-in last week. We've asked the Swunt if Jeff could come live with us and had the door kicked in our email faces. We're proposing he spend the summer here with us, to see if maybe he can have some time here. I'm very sure that will get rejected, too.

Jeff arrives next Wednesday. Melissa arrives the Monday after that. I can't wait to see both of them because I miss them when they're away.

-H.

PS - I signed up for Goodreads, as it was recommended by Pru. Come look me up and join me - I'm listed there as Helen Adelaide or helen@everydaystranger.eu (my IRL friends can suck it!). We can all use recommendations for good things to read, and you can gawk at some of the things I'm reading. I'm thinking of starting a virtual book club again. I was part of the fabulous Mel's, but am thinking of reviewing different kinds of books. Book clubs challenge me to read books I ordinarily wouldn't, and I love getting people's take on things. Anyone interested?

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 02:07 PM | Comments (17) | Add Comment
Post contains 1240 words, total size 7 kb.

1 Sure, I'm in for the book club.

Posted by: Jen R. (aaron-n-jen.com) at February 10, 2009 03:33 PM (OpFYt)

2 Count me in for a book club, I need inspiration of different things to read than just fantasy and IT books.

Posted by: Hannah at February 10, 2009 03:43 PM (lUH62)

3 Oh I am up for it! Just went and signed up. Couldn't find you tho. You don't come up in my find friends from your email. Did you use a different email than your yahoo addy?

Posted by: jusjtme at February 10, 2009 04:03 PM (pp/5D)

4 That book club sounds like a great idea, I definitely need to branch out from my typical genre of books.

Posted by: Karen at February 10, 2009 04:54 PM (IPcYy)

5 I hate to tell you this but the whole "Im on vacation and the maid will get it" is a teen thing. My teen does it, it happened overnight and it is sooooooo annoying. Prepare to ask and ask again and ask every single time or do it yourself. And if you want to watch them fly into a self-righteous rage suggest that you are tired of always having to ask. Prepare to hear about the one time they DID do it and the time they saw you pick up someone elses without saying ANYTHING you hypocritical a**hole who is obviously PICKING on her. Teenagers are AWESOME!!!

Posted by: That Girl at February 10, 2009 05:44 PM (hzryQ)

6 It's weird, I keep hearing your voice when I read your posts. Ok, that sounds creepy. I see that you've read most of the book I have up on Goodreads. Show-off.

Posted by: MsPrufrock at February 10, 2009 05:54 PM (CA+L6)

7 I'm so up for the book club, my reading has been pretty limited lately so a good kick in the a$$ wouldn't hurt. I wasn't the best teen, my room was a mess constantly, I hated my mother (although as an adult, that hasn't really changed) and I thought I knew everything. Yeah, I was a lot of fun for my parents I bet. Although to my defense I didn't ever leave dishes around :-)

Posted by: Angela at February 10, 2009 06:40 PM (DGWM7)

8 Right, I also wanted to say I'm glad that someone else thought it was irresponsible that the octuplet mom had another 8 to her already large family. Seriously, she lives with her mother, has no job, and yet was able to afford to have the embryos implanted? What the f..... Nothing like abusing the system, because seriously, there is no way she's able to financially support all 14 kids. If you want a huge family, and can afford to support a huge family, hey go ahead, but if you aren't supporting your present kids then you should probably consider that before having anymore... Anyway that's my commentary.

Posted by: Angela at February 10, 2009 06:47 PM (DGWM7)

9 Hrm...I would love to do a book club, but with the baby due, why am I thinking I may not get much reading done? Sorry things are hard with the kids. I think Jeff staying with you for a bit would be WONDERFUL for him - and for his relationship with Angus. As far as Melissa...even with my kids living with me, if I don't TELL THEM to pick things up, they don't. The house would be a disaster if I didn't nag incessantly, which is OH so much fun!

Posted by: Tracy at February 10, 2009 07:25 PM (eiiGE)

10 I've just joined and added you as a friend but forgot to add a comment...

Posted by: Katie at February 10, 2009 08:21 PM (UaL+O)

11 I signed up for Good Reads too. just checking out what other people thought of the last book my book club did. Need some virtual wine though. I'm afraid I was a vile teen along the lines of Melissa. I think I've grown out of it.

Posted by: Betty M at February 10, 2009 09:05 PM (U6tpa)

12 Helen, sorry I have been lurking for awhile, not commenting. I hate the Swunt and I dont even know her. I feel sorry for the kids and the way she puts herself first and manipulates them. They are very lucky to have you in their life. You are #1 mom in my book.

Posted by: Cheryl at February 10, 2009 10:55 PM (ASSfP)

13 I'm totally in for the book club, if you're allowing occasional lurkers. and if you are, a supercool friend of mine is totally in as well. if you're allowing strange girls from socal. we are dubious creatures, after all...

Posted by: MissK at February 11, 2009 01:36 AM (EM7ls)

14 Hi - My friend & I would totally be in for book club. Although isn't the first rule of book club not to talk about book club? Sorry if I've posted twice - didn't see my comment come up and I'm unreasonably excited about this matter.

Posted by: MissK at February 11, 2009 01:54 AM (EM7ls)

15 The Swunt continues to amaze, and not in a good way. I don't know why I'm shocked anymore when you give updates. - And I just asked to be your friend on Goodreads (and I feel so junior high -- will she be my friend???? ) because I like your taste in books. I'm in for the book club -- email me if you want help organizing it -- just b/c it was your idea doesn't mean you should have to do all the work (other people need to procrastinate too!)

Posted by: PHX Mama at February 11, 2009 04:17 AM (Xl39M)

16 Hiya, you can count me in for the book club, sounds good!

Posted by: Amanda at February 11, 2009 07:07 AM (xOr5U)

17 Not that you need my opinion but i will give it anyway! Melissa and Jeff are so lucky to have you and of course Angus. I would love to join the bookgroup. My IRL one is tonight but i have dislocated my shoulder and lets just say the medication for the pain is leaving me unable to type/speak coherently! Abs x

Posted by: abs at February 11, 2009 08:50 AM (DG7J/)

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It's about priorities.

Having them, knowing them, and not taking advantage of them.

Priorities.

For so long we've prioritized everything in our lives - the children, above all. Nick and Nora, but certainly Melissa and Jeff, who are a post in and of themselves this week. The house. Jobs. Money. Everything but us. And we started to suffer. Then we started to really suffer. Then we began to nearly fall apart.

Angus and I are prioritizing us now. We realize what nearly happened. I realized what nearly happened. And we are taking time for just us.

My dad and stepmom arrive on Wednesday. They're here to babysit. They're here to adore their grandbabies and be with them for almost a week.

Angus and I leave on Friday for four days in Cyprus. We are blowing air miles and going away and we even got an upgrade on the way. There will be sun and sea and sex.

We are staying in a fantastic-looking hotel. It's being paid for using one of those pre-paid credit cards my folks gave us last year as a joint birthday present.

We're going away, just the two of us, for the first time in almost 2 years. I am beside myself with excitment. I cannot wait to actually be away and to actually try to sleep. We need a break so badly it is almost unfathomable.

That I'm going away with my most favorite person in the world is the icing on the proverbial cake.

Priorities.

I have them, and sometimes I need to be reminded of them.

-H.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 10:37 AM | Comments (21) | Add Comment
Post contains 266 words, total size 2 kb.

1 Great news. Sort of like they say on airplane: place oxygenmask on yourself before those around you that may need help.

Posted by: Charles at February 09, 2009 10:56 AM (maQJG)

2 Exceedingly jealous but thoroughly pleased on your behalf! Soak up some of those lovely warm rays of sunshine for me!

Posted by: Hairy Farmer Family at February 09, 2009 11:08 AM (2cHGr)

3 Wowser! That hotel looks amazing! A perfect place to realign the priorities.

Posted by: Betty M at February 09, 2009 11:08 AM (lt+d+)

4 So glad for you and Angus! Relax,enjoy! It has been so long since My SO and I have been away together, I wonder what we would talk about all alone with no children lol. Hopefully we will have a chance to find out in 2009! Have a fabulous time Helen!

Posted by: jusjtme at February 09, 2009 11:14 AM (pp/5D)

5 Wow, enjoy!

Posted by: moira at February 09, 2009 11:19 AM (UGBIN)

6 i can't wait for the pics! Abs x

Posted by: abs at February 09, 2009 11:20 AM (pejJ8)

7 I am so happy for you and I envy you as well. I can't complain, I "go away" often... I go EAST every time I need to put gasoline in my car! I even leave my state! Why should I envy you?? :-) Have a great time!

Posted by: Vicki at February 09, 2009 11:45 AM (2VoLW)

8 How lovely! Have a fantastic time and enjoy being together, without any other stresses on your time. Can't wait to see the pictures of warm skies!

Posted by: Suzie at February 09, 2009 11:54 AM (zJPh8)

9 I hope you have a fabulous trip!!! Your babies will have lots of fun with their grandparents, who are probably getting the best treat time with the little ones. LOL.

Posted by: Amy at February 09, 2009 12:24 PM (Ex6XB)

10 Ditto to what Charles said. Have a good time!!

Posted by: ~Easy at February 09, 2009 01:57 PM (IVGWz)

11 Sounds heavenly. Good for you. I don't think I'll make it there in this lifetime. I do enjoy traveling vicariously through you though. Enjoy!

Posted by: Lisa at February 09, 2009 02:25 PM (YEsan)

12 It will do you a world of good! We did this last summer for five days in Mexico and it was heavenly. We even made a rule that we could only talk about serious relationship stuff while we were in the ocean, because how mad can you get when you are treading turquoise water? Enjoy!

Posted by: donna at February 09, 2009 03:27 PM (xSk7G)

13 All that sounds like great stress relief and just getting away from it all. Take lots of pics and you two have a fantastic time! Bahamas next time?

Posted by: Ernie E at February 09, 2009 06:03 PM (1EvX5)

14 Awesome!

Posted by: That Girl at February 09, 2009 08:50 PM (hzryQ)

15 I'm so happy for you! and thank your dad and step-mom for me

Posted by: kenju at February 09, 2009 10:26 PM (shDit)

16 HOORAY!! Have a fab holiday!!

Posted by: Patsy at February 09, 2009 10:42 PM (vXEc8)

17 Oh, I am so happy for you two! I wish for you a relaxing holiday filled with love, joy, and happiness! Enjoy!

Posted by: Stacie at February 10, 2009 02:03 AM (p6L8W)

18 I had to leave another comment because this? "We even made a rule that we could only talk about serious relationship stuff while we were in the ocean, because how mad can you get when you are treading turquoise water?" sounds like Heaven (or Nirvana, whatever) on Earth. I need a vacation like this someday.

Posted by: Lisa at February 10, 2009 05:08 AM (YEsan)

19 How fantastic! Enjoy yourselves and leave the computer at home. We don't want to hear from you for the week. ;-)

Posted by: D at February 10, 2009 01:00 PM (Zgqmj)

20 You're leaving this place for Cyprus? Pfft. You must be mad. Enjoy your time away. You deserve it, dagnubbit!

Posted by: MsPrufrock at February 10, 2009 02:31 PM (Lorry)

21 People do make the mistake of always putting the kids (and everything else) first thinking, "there's always tomorrow." As we know, that day doesn't come for more than half of us. Glad to see you and Angus taking steps to protect your precious love! Enjoy!

Posted by: Julie at February 11, 2009 12:47 AM (NQvwn)

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I'm really a product of TV. TV is living. TV is the air, the wind, and the fire. To hell with that love stuff, that's just like the caramel on top of the already spectacular hot fudge sundae you've got brewing. I'm like Frank Cross was - my childhood was TV, and my adulthood loves it just as much as the young me (albeit with far less viewing time than I used to have).

I use TV a lot in my daily life. I quote things constantly. When I need to take the trash out and am getting a new bin liner, I sing "I want some trash bags!" which is a little ditty I hear on The A-Team when I was about 11. When organizing meetings I still sign things off with "Your Cruise Director Julie". While travelling I used to say, as we headed to the airport to go home, "Each time Sam hoped that the next leap would be the leap home." Because nothing screams "loser" quite like quoting Quantum Leap. I walk around saying "All right?" like Ness from Gavin and Stacy. And I still enjoy waving my arm around and saying "Welcome to Fantasy Island!" in an accent that would make Count Chocula drool cocoa-colored drool with envy.

It doesn't mean people always get me. When I would hold one of the babies above my head and shout "Kunta kinte!" no one got what I was throwing at them. Likewise, when one of the kids is screaming their heads off, I arch an eyebrow and say "That doesn't look like happy to see me." (which is actually from a horrible film with Gwenyth Paltrow and Michael Douglas, but I saw it on TV so it counts.) My new favorite is to preface a discussion with: "The facts were these" in a voice as like the Pushing Daisies one as I can get.

Often it causes Angus a lot of grief.

The other day he came home from the gym in the evening to be met with me standing in the doorway.

"If you dump me, promise you won't get a lifelike doll to screw around with instead of a person."

"The thought hadn't crossed my mind."

"Good. Because it's happening on C.S.I. New York right now and I would be really fucked off if you went off with a living doll."

"Got it."

And of course it causes relationship discussions.

"Many years from now, when I'm old and grey, will you change my catheter?" I ask him in the kitchen. He buries his head in his hands in an "Oh God, what has she been watching on TV now?" motion.

"What?"

"I'm watching Brothers and Sisters and they brought it up. Years from now will you change my catheter?"

"Isn't that something for the professionals?"

"I don't think so."

"Oh right. That's a colostomy bag," he amends.

"Right. Yeah. So about the catheter?"

"Of course I will."

"Oh thank you. You do love me."

"I'm not going to love the job or anything, but I will do it."

And since I'm not asking him to jump for joy, I'll take it.

-H.

PS - Monday night I took an ambien and slept 7 hours. Last night, I slept 1 hour. I'm going back to the doctor. I can't take much more of this.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 11:53 AM | Comments (14) | Add Comment
Post contains 570 words, total size 3 kb.

1 Do you get restless and do your hands start to quiver, once you do not put the TV on for some days? Kidding. I threw my old TV out of my room a few months ago, and - oh wonder - I can live without it for a few days. Sometimes I watch a little on a postcard size Mini TV besides my PC and it seems that I really do not care so much any more who is the murder, who won the soccer game or what is in the latest news.

Posted by: Paula at February 04, 2009 12:34 PM (Nm4nm)

2 I'm totally with you on this one. I am such a TV addict. Only I find I have to stop myself from saying things like "missed it by that much," because my husband would totally not get it.

Posted by: Erin at February 04, 2009 12:54 PM (IPMSz)

3 Have you tried Lunesta*? I hadn't slept more than four hours in a 72 hour period and my doc gave me some samples and they are awesome!

Posted by: Jen at February 04, 2009 01:28 PM (H5I1S)

4 I remember that "A-Team" episode where Murdock kept screaming, "Tuh-rash bags!! I want tuh-raaaash bags!!" And then he built a contraption where he filled all the trash bags with hot air and floated out of the prison. I got all your quotes except the "Quantum Leap" one. When it comes to tv, movies, and music of the '80s, I could go on a stinkin' game show and kick butt. But since the mid '90s I've become much less hooked on those things. If you want to wean yourself off tv shows slowly, just don't pick up new ones as the old ones go off. I've only got 3 that I watch regularly now. Has anyone seen "Burn Notice"? THAT is a phenomenal show!! : )

Posted by: Solomon at February 04, 2009 01:54 PM (x+GoF)

5 I think about fifty percent of what comes out of my mouth was hijacked from either "Friends" or "Saturday Night Live" skits. Which would be fine if people understood, but no one seems to, and it makes me quite the freak.

Posted by: D at February 04, 2009 02:33 PM (G/WTy)

6 I thought I was the only one who still channels Murdock when I buy or use a trash bag.

Posted by: donna at February 04, 2009 03:25 PM (xSk7G)

7 And here I thought I was the only one... BabyDaddy will be happy to hear that I'm not the only one that runs around spouting off random television quotes.

Posted by: amber at February 04, 2009 03:35 PM (y4djL)

8 Are you kidding me? Quantum Leap and A Perfect Murder are the awesomest TV show and movie, respectively. I don't care if I'm a lame-o.

Posted by: Jendeis at February 04, 2009 04:55 PM (oTrqs)

9 D, I could totally hang with you. At least for the Friends quotes. I might be a bit spotty on the SNL ones, depending on the season. My dad is also good at tossing in Friends quotes. We drive my mother nuts. PIVOT!!!! Hel, this is just another example of why we're soulmates. While I totally get the Roots thing, if you held a baby over your head, I'd bust out with a very [un]melodic Lion King cry. (That whole: "aaaa asemmmmmmmeeelaaaa!!!" or whatever the fuck. Amy and I do it all the time at each other.) Also, I got an eyeshadow a long time ago that said it was holographic. We referred to it as my Al-eyeshadow and made that little squibbllybbitt! noise every time I wore it. ...Al never appeared. Kinda a bust, really.

Posted by: Ms. Pants at February 04, 2009 11:10 PM (O/IRp)

10 Ask about Thorazine. Great sleep -best I ever had -sleep that is. Seriosl can be used as a sort of cheap cheaers test for psychosis. If 25-50 mg does not put you to sleep you may well be psychotic. Trazadone workw well for me. Good luck.

Posted by: Charles at February 05, 2009 01:39 AM (maQJG)

11 As someone who quotes everything from Gilligan's Island and the Brady Bunch to the Princess Bride and Monty Python's Holy Grail, I sympathize with you (and with those around you). The sleep issue I am no help with. I tried Trazodone once and it was ... overly rest-enhancing. With two small children at home and a teen prone to violent outbreaks, it was not a good idea at the time. Also, the night thirsties and sweats were horrendous - for me; it might be different for you. And I will admit, the first couple nights of "sleep-of-the-dead" were very welcome at the time (in retrospect, and considering nothing bad happened while I was passed out). I really do hope you are able to find some relief, because insomnia can drive a person to kill another person who happens to cross their path in the wrong direction at just the right moment.

Posted by: Lisa at February 05, 2009 04:52 AM (YEsan)

12 If 25-50 mg does not put you to sleep you may well be psychotic. Wow. Totally reassuring.

Posted by: Helen at February 05, 2009 08:21 AM (wuta+)

13 My husband and I quote Gavin and Stacey to death... mostly "OH! What's Occuring?". I got to interview Gavin (Mat Horne) for work this week and was disappointed that he was kind of a letch

Posted by: Alice at February 09, 2009 12:53 AM (R5lnx)

14 I remember the one-liner "I want some trash bags!" from Murdock while he was in prison. Amazing that such information is saved somewhere when you're 34 years old. Just for the fans -> "I love it when a plan comes together"

Posted by: Ernst at February 09, 2009 09:43 AM (NFIZm)

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God.

I'm so fucking tired it may be possible to keel over dead.

The insomnia is rough. Really rough. On Thursday night I had a grand total of one hour of sleep. One. Uno. En. You know what I mean. Saturday night I was up at 3 am. This morning? 5 am. I simply cannot sleep.

My nice doctor tells me that it's depression, and that if it continues he'll add another tablet to my anti-depressants, a little cocktail if you will. I feel that's a pretty slippery slope to ride on, I don't know if this is a good idea.

At the same time, I need some fucking sleep. I've tried it all - exercise. Melatonin. Despise milk warmed or otherwise, so gave that one a miss. Lavender oils, open windows, closed windows, have taken over-the-counter tablets and gotten trollied for the sake of some sleep, even if it means a hangover. And still. I'm stilll sleepless.

Advice for sleep welcome. Implored, even. Hell, I'll give you begged for.

-H.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 06:20 AM | Comments (38) | Add Comment
Post contains 177 words, total size 1 kb.

Dear Heart,

We've been through a lot, you and I. Almost 35 years of choices, experiences, wisdom, failure, and dreams. You've been beating every day, every second, and carrying my wishes throughout every beat. You've been strong, you've let me down, and you have hurt. I've hurt you. I know I have. You've hurt me too. Neither of us is blameless.

I thought I knew everything about you the first time I fell in love. It was hard, this love thing. Hard work indeed. The fragility of human life resulted in your first break, the promises that I made within you are not ever going to be fulfilled. You split that day. A part of you died and will always be gone, but that doesn't make you any less. It just makes you real.

You showed me someone else though, heart. And you gave me love in a way that I never expected to love in - with complete abandonment. With joyful noise and implicit faith, I love with everything.

The day my children arrived you grew exponentially. Secret hidden chambers opened wide, showing me parts of me that I could never have imagined existing. And corridors, options, areas keep opening as every day passes and every new milestone is hit. A hesitant step forward from my daughter lurches open another alleyway, and that one hallway where I held her in the middle of the night, smelling of milk and soap and cotton, closes. My son figuring out how to deal with a puzzle shines light in a brand new room inside of my heart, one I've never seen. And the days where he fell asleep on my chest several times a day, his thumb in his mouth and his fuzzy hair drifting in an infinite breeze, is gone now.

This past week, my heart, you and I realized something new. We learned that you can break still, that you can fall apart and I can fall apart with you. We learned that sometimes there is no room for pride, not when you understand the consequences of what could happen, not when you see what there is to lose. We learned that there are measures you're willing to go through for love, and that there are measures we're both willing to go through in order to save what is so precious to us both. That when silly, light-headed romantic love fades what lies beneath is something infinitely more strong, more wonderful, and more real than you ever whispered to me in the dark when we were young.

This past week, my heart, we went out on a limb and we dropped all pretense. And together we made it work. It was hard exercise but we are better for it. We're both bruised. We're all bruised. But life is decidedly different now, now that we have seen what could happen, now that we have seen what could be. We'd both started taking things for granted. We'd both started to think that the two of us were invincible, when the truth is, we're not. We're strong, we can get through anything, but it doesn't mean we don't come through the other side that much more diminished, that much more raw.

Thank you, heart, for being something that guides me and is there for me, a constant companion through the pain and the joy, through the mistakes and successes.

Everything is beautiful and new when I have you in it.

Love,
Helen

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 01:58 PM | Comments (10) | Add Comment
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I'm not very good at meeting people. No really. I'm not good at meeting people and I'm very not good at making friends. People write and leave comments that they are coming to London, and I freeze up. Oh God. You want to meet me. Oh God. Once you meet me you will find how much of a complete and utter dick I am. I am a dork. I am uncool. I am so average, I make average people look like Heidi Klum.

But meet people I do. I've met a few now, and I always have a brilliant time when I do meet up. I met a friend for drinks and dinner last week, a business writer that could charm the pants off a snake, if snakes were into that kind of thing. I find business writing mind-numbingly dull, but hey-it pays him well and he bought the drinks.

And on Saturday, I got to meet up with some of my longtime friends in the bloggy infertility world. I packed up Nick and Nora and headed to London to meet Thalia, H, Pob, May, H, The Hairy Farmer Family, Ms Prufrock, The Dude, and P,. You might think 5 women, 4 men (Angus was banished to tiling the wet room. When I say "banished", I mean "pleased".), 5 children all under the age of 2.5, one pregnant woman, one woman cycling, and 5 old hands at fertility treatment sounds like a recipe for disaster. But it was, instead, a delight. Bear with me - I must gush a bit now.

And if you read them, then you'll like this because I'm totally outing them.

Thalia (real name: Thalia) is easygoing, a fantastic hostess, and such a calm, loving mother. Her husband H (real name: H. His parents weren't in agreement, they felt it best to leave it at a letter) is a friendly chap who is devoted to Pob (also unfortunately named Pob. She's a Teletubby wanna-be). Pob is stunningly clever, a real charmer, and I raise my fist at God for giving Pob the eyelashes that I have always wanted.

May (real name: Nuts. Seriously, her mum was feeling pretty unkind that day) and her hushand H (no relation to Thalia's H. Talk about coincidences though.) were lovely, warm, funny people. May is the kind of chick you feel you can meet up in a cafe and bitch with. She's in for the snark. She's got a huge heart and you want to ringfence the world from her, to keep people from being mean.

The Hairy Farmer Family were a delight. Mrs Hairy isn't hairy at all, and I swear she's the girlfriend you can ring up at 10:00 at night crying and she'll be by with a bottle of wine and a cake she magicked from the oven, something that tastes of butter and vanilla and light. She'll make you calm down, tell you a story from her own vault that lets you know you're not alone and which is very, very funny, and will never judge you. Her husband is a sweetie and she doesn't know this yet but her son has asked to move in with us. We're looking at where to let him sleep.

The Barren Albions (here's a funny - at first I thought her website was called "The Barren Albino", and I thought: Christ, doesn't her life just suck.) were there. Pru (real name: Prufrock. Don't forget the frock) is gorgeous. Really. Like, Page 3 girl hot. And her rack is spectacular. I love that she sometimes writes me and calls me a whore, because let's call a spade a spade, yes? Her daughter is so polite and friendly, she's a little elf, a little elf who also wants to come live with me, especially when she tells people that "Obama went to Starbucks."

And luckily Nick and Nora were so overwhelmed by the people (and, let's be frank, Pob's toys) that they didn't undergo their usual routine of acting like Baby Thunderdome with each other (two babies enter! One baby leaves!) and the other mothers hopefully didn't feel the need to shake their heads and think: That's why animals eat their young. And in Helen's case, why the infants should eat the mother.

On Monday I met the fabulous Suzie, her friend Amy, and the gorgeous and so amazingly, completely, 13-going-on-33 Emily (you can see the three of us here). I wanted to steal Suzie's daughter Josie, now I want to kidnap Emily too. This house is going to be full.

And I've loved meeting everyone. So here's a thought: Mrs. Hairy Farmer and I want to arrange a get-together in London in April-ish time frame. If you're around and in, let us know. And, uh, she's the organizer, because seriously, I can't organize my way out of a paper bag.

Anyone in?

-H.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 10:57 AM | Comments (23) | Add Comment
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1 I would absolutely love too!! But not sure my 36-40 week pregnant body will be up for the journey south from Chester! I'm a bit like you, I get really nervous meeting people, I always feel like I won't know what to say! But I would love to meet up with you guys, maybe next time??? Hopefully, there will be a next time!? Sounds like you had a lovely weekend, meeting up with everyone, glad you enjoyed it!

Posted by: Suzie at January 28, 2009 11:51 AM (zJPh8)

2 How fun! Too bad I'm trapped in the States. And also kind of terrified of meeting people myself.. but if I were local I'd certainly (pretend to) consider it before I (pretended to) get a migraine preventing me from making a fool of myself in public. Seriously though I'll be sorry to miss it.

Posted by: Erin at January 28, 2009 01:34 PM (IPMSz)

3 Envious! Miss you.

Posted by: BeachGirl at January 28, 2009 02:10 PM (U+oUO)

4 What an accurate description of our festivities! Well, with the exception of me as a Page 3 girl. I'm not sure whether to be flattered or insulted, haha. I'd like to clarify for anyone familiar with Page 3 girls that I'm a bit less fake than those whooo-rrrs. Anyway, the BBC - big time stuff! I trust we (or at the very least, me) will be informed of where this information can be obtained?

Posted by: MsPrufrock at January 28, 2009 02:12 PM (6Mr1k)

5 I generally am fine meeting people (I've got a great blind date story from a couple of weeks ago that might make you laugh til you cry), but I've gotten so comfort-driven that I seem to prefer wearing sweats and curling up on the couch with a book rather than actually leaving the house. Have a lovely meet-up! I'm in the state, so it isn't likely I'd be in the nieghborhood... BBC - big stuff! Hope it goes fabulously, and if you can share, would love to know more.

Posted by: suze at January 28, 2009 02:21 PM (0doyF)

6 I've met up with a few "Internet People" so far and the experience has been pretty nice. It's cool to meet the people you've been talking to for 10+ years, people you never would have known before the internet. I wish I could be there in April... it sounds like WAY too much fun. Good luck with the interview! x

Posted by: Marian at January 28, 2009 02:36 PM (76MlW)

7 Meeting new people tends to be way outside of my comfort zone, so I prefer to have my wife along so I can hide behind her. When that's not possible (like right now, when I'm 900 miles away), I just fake it the best I can. The worst part is later on I replay any such meetings in my mind and mercilessly pick and criticize every word, every gesture I presented to the point where I'm convinced that I made a total idiot of myself. Needless to say, it was hell on my dating life growing up. Which is why I'm still married, I never want to play the dating game again.

Posted by: diamond dave at January 28, 2009 02:44 PM (ALMFG)

8 Hmm, maybe I should hop a flight to London. I've never been to England.

Posted by: Jen R. (aaron-n-jen.com) at January 28, 2009 03:23 PM (OpFYt)

9 I'm crap at meeting people, too. I'm horrible at making small talk, so I just come off as being uninterested and unfriendly. Funny, since once you get me talking I can't seem to shut up.

Posted by: amy t. at January 28, 2009 05:07 PM (3dOTd)

10 Is this open to anyone? I mean i read Mrs Hairy Farmer but i don't comment there. I have totally over commented here for years though! Good grief, how scary to meet people! Abs x

Posted by: abs at January 28, 2009 05:52 PM (pejJ8)

11 Sweetheart, you could never be average if you tried and tried and tried and tried for a hundred years. You shine out like a seriously bright fucking light! What is more, I have to take serious issue with this bizarro idea that you are not funny. Not only are you so funny that YOU MADE HUBBY LAUGH, (kids, I told you to go for the WALLETS!) but you are so quick with it too. Your crack about the people May's H works with was just... beautiful. Hubby and I officially love you.

Posted by: Hairy Farmer Family at January 28, 2009 06:20 PM (xWhE5)

12 ummm I have met you and call bullshit. you are as lovely grand and gorgeous in person as online. me on the other hand

Posted by: stinkerbell at January 28, 2009 07:16 PM (skXGo)

13 Soudns the best meet - up!! The BBC ... get you?? Where, when, where?

Posted by: Moira at January 28, 2009 07:51 PM (UGBIN)

14 Right well thats the rest of my evening sorted - coming the BBC for articles that could possibly be about you! Your meet sounds like it went fabulously. If you are Ok for a free for all I would definitely join in - bad blogger but pretty consistent commenter - does that count?

Posted by: Betty M at January 28, 2009 10:03 PM (CkzBP)

15 Well you are flattering but I have to admit pob has excellent eyelashes. Of course you don't do yourself or your lovely children enough justice, I particularly enjoyed Nora's secret smiles when she thinks she's getting away with something naughty (and of course it's not naughty at all). I'd love to do another get together. I'm away for bits of April so let's pick a date soon. And where on the BBC? I"ve just looked and can't find you.

Posted by: thalia at January 28, 2009 10:12 PM (5ViEG)

16 OK, so I've never commented here before, but I like you. I just have to mention that "at first I thought her website was called "The Barren Albino", and I thought: Christ, doesn't her life just suck" is like the funniest sentence I've ever read.

Posted by: PiquantMolly at January 29, 2009 12:07 AM (juRFy)

17 I usually don't feel comfortable meeting new people and especially hanging with a large crowd. I much prefer a small crowd with my most trusted friends. Glad to hear you had a great time this past weekend. Have you considered doing a Flickr meet?

Posted by: Ernie E at January 29, 2009 02:19 AM (M5eRN)

18 Meet-up? In April? Helloooo! Where? For I shall go and camp out at Chosen Locale NOW, and then I won't miss a minute.

Posted by: May at January 29, 2009 05:14 PM (3jesX)

19 I had a comment. Where did my comment go? Damn. To recap, am so hysterically excited at idea of meet-up in April that I want to know the venue NOW so I can go camp there NOW and not miss a single second.

Posted by: May at January 29, 2009 05:17 PM (3jesX)

20 I had a comment. Where did my comment go? Damn. To recap, am so hysterically excited at idea of meet-up in April that I want to know the venue NOW so I can go camp there NOW and not miss a single second.

Posted by: May at January 29, 2009 05:17 PM (3jesX)

21 Count me in, that's if I can manufacter a trip to the big smoke. Keep me posted chica.

Posted by: Bee Cee at January 29, 2009 09:37 PM (EKnX7)

22 Um, you seem to have outed yourself and the twins... can open,real names all over the web...

Posted by: steve at January 30, 2009 11:02 PM (BdC3G)

23 Late April, please, am back middle of the month. Or early May would be even better.

Posted by: Katie at February 04, 2009 12:43 AM (UaL+O)

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Today is the 27th of January.

An ordinary day, like other ordinary days. You get up, you make a cup of coffee. You shower, you dread the office. You go about your daily routine with comfort and a sense of ambiguity.

The 27th of January is Jennifer's birthday (hi Jenn!)

The 27th of January is my mother's birthday.

The 27th of January is also the day, six years ago, that I tried to kill myself.

I got home from work, walked the dog, started dinner, put the vegetable knife down, walked upstairs, took an entire bottle of pills and somehow slashed open my then-husband's razor and had a go at both of my wrists.

I do not remember any of this.

I do remember the aftermath - the mental wing of the hospital. The taste of activated charcoal. The acute embarrassment.

And then the hundreds of hours of therapy.

I have a photo, somewhere, of my wrists a week after the hack-job. I was going to post it but can't find it. Maybe it's macabre anyway. I have a small scar as a reminder, a small scar, small compared to the much larger one I have inside.

Life is hard, it's fucking hard, it pulls you down and drowns you sometimes. In all of our lives we face a time so dark and so bleak that there is no way out. You know this. You're sure of it. It's not going to get any better, there is no up or out or light or help.

And you snap.

You snap because you've had a lot of dark, you're sick of dark, you don't want to be there anymore and you have no one to help you out of it.

Looking back, I know now that I was lost. I was lost to myself and lost to everyone else. Looking back I don't regret what I did, I just regret that I hurt people. Looking back I have learned that there is dark but if you wait long enough, at some point the light will creep in. It will. It has to.

Six years on and there is no chance that I will go down that same path again. I live. I will live. I have values and love and hope and yes, some very dark days more often that I admit. But people need you. People need me. It may not be obvious who needs you, but there is someone. Just look.

I have four people that would miss me horribly if I ever chose to end it, four people that I love with all of my heart, four people that I would miss forever and ever if anything happened to them.

And one of those four is me.

-H.

PS-I met the amazing Suzie, her friend Amy, and Suzie's niece Emily last night. I got to be there for a very special moment for Emily, and I'm so lucky to have met them.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 09:01 AM | Comments (25) | Add Comment
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1 ... and there are a whole load more people out here honey you would miss you too!! Hope that you are extremely proud of yourself. You have become an inspiration to so many people. Know that sounds sappy and you are 'just' a girl but you are a v special girl!

Posted by: Moira at January 27, 2009 09:28 AM (UGBIN)

2 Bravo! You are such a strong woman, Helen.

Posted by: ZTZCheese at January 27, 2009 09:39 AM (Iw+8+)

3 Have you read the book "Impulse"? I related to it in a profound way and since I relate to you, I think maybe you would relate to it, too. I think you are wonderful, but I know first hand that other people thinking you are wonderful won't always make you FEEL wonderful. I think you ahve come such a long, long way...and in the process of letting the light in, you have shown some of us that light, too

Posted by: justdawn at January 27, 2009 10:22 AM (QrAYm)

4 I would miss you too! So, so glad you're with us and also think that you are wonderful! )

Posted by: Suzie at January 27, 2009 11:53 AM (zJPh8)

5 my anniversary is 11-5-98. (or was it the 9th? see, it's getting that much easier for me to forget!) this year was the first time it passed without me thinking about it. it used to haunt me. happy anniversary of your re-birth, my friend.

Posted by: wRitErsbLock at January 27, 2009 01:00 PM (xbmM0)

6 Like everyone else here, I'm glad you didn't succeed and hope you never experience that kind of darkness again.

Posted by: Solomon at January 27, 2009 01:28 PM (T4HxB)

7 JEALOUS. I miss Suzie. I'm so glad that you didn't kill yourself babe. I'd be horribly sad for not having known you.

Posted by: statia at January 27, 2009 01:33 PM (s5ipx)

8 Six years ago was also a very dark time in my life. I'm glad you were able to get through all that. If you didn't I would never had the chance to know a beautiful soul like you.

Posted by: Ernie E at January 27, 2009 02:11 PM (UehYw)

9 Hi, I'm new to your blog but I have really been enjoying reading it in the last little while. Thank you for writing with such openness.

Posted by: Ali at January 27, 2009 02:16 PM (X1wqy)

10 I'd miss you too. Thanks for being here.

Posted by: Lisa at January 27, 2009 02:37 PM (YEsan)

11 A lot more than four, dear. Happy anniversary.

Posted by: lynD at January 27, 2009 03:26 PM (2F9Ak)

12 You have posted on this subject many times and I applaud you everytime you do. I believe your thoughts and posts on this matter should be standard textbook therapy for anyone who has thought of, or attempted suicide. Because no matter how badly life sucks sometimes, eventually good things happen. And there are people out there that care, people who's lives you've affected or are influencing, even though you may not think so. Back at the beginning of last December, I was at a serious low in my life. But in the space of a very short time, some unexpected things and startling revelations (for me) came to light that made me realize that in the long run, it's all worth it (I even did a post about it). And good things do have a habit of happening just when you need them to the most. And we do NOT have the right to make other people hurt just because we're hurting ourselves. Happy anniversary Helen. And thanks for sharing your insights into what keeps you going.

Posted by: diamond dave at January 27, 2009 03:44 PM (ALMFG)

13 I am glad the light came back for you.

Posted by: Betty M at January 27, 2009 04:25 PM (6fEx9)

14 I am so glad that you stuck around because life would be a lot more crappy without you. And it is my goal to meet you in person one day.

Posted by: donna at January 27, 2009 04:36 PM (xSk7G)

15 I am so glad you are still here, six years later. Sending a hug.

Posted by: Mel at January 27, 2009 06:40 PM (8wmZq)

16 The last line was the most powerful in this, to me. That YOU are one of the 4. That is the best, the light. Happy Anniversary-

Posted by: Christina at January 27, 2009 06:40 PM (ULlkA)

17 I'm so glad you're here, too. You are an inspiration. Today is my mom's birthday, too...my bipolar mom who is still in the state hospital 14 months after her own attempt. I hope the light finds its way back into her life, too.

Posted by: selzach at January 27, 2009 07:45 PM (LhyA3)

18 I totally agree that the light is that you're one of the four. I, too, feel that my life would be somehow less for not having known you. And I know that some would think that we're not "real friends," because we haven't breathed in the same room air and I have to say that's bunk because as a deceased online friend of mine said: "Online is real." I love you, girlie girl. I'm so glad you failed on January 27th all those years ago. xoxo

Posted by: Margi at January 27, 2009 07:48 PM (UDXIJ)

19 You bring light and warmth into every room you enter, Helen. Even Hubby noticed your amazing energy - and he doesn't generally notice space ships on the lawn. Mum's attempted suicide with pills. Without planning to, I made her feel so guilty about trying to leave me that she's still trying to make it up to me 12 years later. We try not to let her get lost in the dark anymore, but her family history of cyclic and manic depression is terrifying, and I think she'll be on SSRIs on and off for good. That is just the loveliest photo. I'm so glad you're here to have taken it, be in it, and to have produced the two other incredible human beings in it. The world would be a much poorer place without you all.

Posted by: Hairy Farmer Family at January 27, 2009 09:04 PM (xWhE5)

20 I am glad you are here, too. Sending hugs your way...

Posted by: Stacie at January 28, 2009 05:12 AM (p6L8W)

21 I love you, girlie.

Posted by: Lauren at January 28, 2009 08:33 AM (/h6Eg)

22 I'm so glad that you weren't successful in your attempt. We have much to learn from you. That photo is really wonderful.

Posted by: kenju at January 28, 2009 02:05 PM (shDit)

23 Thank you for writing this.

Posted by: Laura at January 28, 2009 02:17 PM (U1yF0)

24 Count me among all those who are glad you are still here. You are beautiful.

Posted by: Carol at January 28, 2009 09:21 PM (Dx6hu)

25 I'm glad you got to stick around - the world is a far better place with you in it.

Posted by: maolcolm at January 29, 2009 11:26 AM (S4HeD)

Hide Comments | Add Comment

The Gig is working out so far. I have some troubles at The Gig, but lots of good times, too. There are no permanent desks in Gig Offices, we all hot desk, yet we all seem to sit in the same seats. Rather defeats the idea of hot desking, really.

I sit in an area of 6 desks with 5 other people and none of us are in the same department or role, which gives a nice persepctive. We all sit together and work, although periodically we crack each other up (and we all agreed early on that we can swear and muck about, no one will sue the others.) I'm not sure if other areas have this much fun from time to time, but I can say that when we all get a bit ADD and go into things, it gets fun.

Here are some examples of what we get:

*********************************

One of the guys has been assigned a new line manager, a particularly creepy individual that he calls Twatty Bollocks. I asked him how he was going to handle it. He told me not well. I asked him what he was going to do about it.

He replied: "I am going to masturbate in the mirror. It won't help things but it will take my mind off my troubles."

When I go to lunch I'll bring him back some glass cleaner.

*********************************

Another one of the guys stood up and announced that he was going to the stationary cupboard, and did we need anything?

We all looked at him.

"Uh...like what, Stan?" I asked him.

"You know. Stationary things," he replied.

"I'm good," I countered, as did the others. When Stan returned 20 minutes later he was clutching a handful of highlighters.

"I got what I needed," he said, clutching his finds.

"Wow," said Karl. "Seeing you get those has been the highlight of my day."

Stan rolled his eyes.

Matt next to me grinned. "I see what you did there."

"Did you like that?" Karl asked.

"I did, I liked that," Matt answered. "Ten points to Gryffindor."

Stan sits down, whips out the green highlighter, and proceeds to highlight all of the text on one whole page.

"Dude?" I ask. "If you highlight the whole page then you're defeating the point. It's why it's called a highlighter. Otherwise it would be called a paintbrush."

Stan looks at me. "What's the matter with you? Does Trunky want a doughnut?" he asks.

"Mmmm, doughnuts," Karl moans.

"Simpsons jokes are cheap," I reply. "Anyone can do those, it takes a master to come up with orginals. If you laugh at something they'd fall about on 'Are You Smarter Than a Ten Year Old?' then it doesn't count."

*********************************

As I wrote last week, I had a bet with one of my guys that he wouldn't use the word "buttmonkey" in a meeting with a particularly scratchy guy we were meeting with last week. I bet £1 that he wouldn't do it, and he did. It's now become something of a competition, with all of us choosing words that we challenge the others to use on various conference calls and in meetings. Not every word is an insult, although buttmonkey remains the favorite. We've also used "fish fingers", "verisimilitude", and my personal current favorite, "catheter".

*********************************

Stan was rummaging in his gym bag this morning.

"Dammit," he mutters.

"What's up?" I ask.

"I forgot my nut cup," he replies.

"Stan, there are a few words that I'd be ok with not hearing you utter before 10:00 in the morning.

"Nut cup is one of them?"

"Nut cup is one of them."

"What would another one be?"

"Salmonella. And didgeridoo. The rest of the list we can play by ear."

*********************************

-H

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 11:05 AM | Comments (9) | Add Comment
Post contains 638 words, total size 4 kb.

1 One isn't supposed to have that much fun at work! There are supposed to be men with whips and grit. It is so great that colleagues can get together be productive and have a bit of fun. Have you considered talk like a pirate day??

Posted by: Amy at January 22, 2009 11:52 AM (Ex6XB)

2 Cool ... things like that make work worthwhile (mind you so does the salary) We had a phase where we had to try to use the phrase designer vagina in meetings. 'this budget is as tight as a designed vagina' etc etc Yes, we are 12.

Posted by: moira at January 22, 2009 12:13 PM (UGBIN)

3 I just laughed my ass off. If all workplaces were like that I might be tempted away from my student lifestyle...

Posted by: QoB at January 22, 2009 02:16 PM (7NCAM)

4 I want a job like that...

Posted by: Jen R. (aaron-n-jen.com) at January 22, 2009 02:32 PM (OpFYt)

5 I worked at a bookstore with a guy who, when somebody new was being trained and we got to the sexual harassment bit, was used as a negative example. As in, "Don't do what he does." It was all in good fun, as the guy in question was a sweetie who was flaming gay, but as he was also a contact person the comment had merit.

Posted by: B. Durbin at January 22, 2009 06:38 PM (PlHif)

6 God. My last 'fun' exchange at work involved me laboriously explaining to po-faced colleague that I had meant the phrase 'yeah, and if I bend down to do the bottom shelf, I'll show the room the colour of my knickers' AS A JOKE. I am so envious.

Posted by: May at January 22, 2009 10:33 PM (3jesX)

7 Once upon a time I had a fun job like that. I miss it quite often. I'm glad you're enjoying the new Gig.

Posted by: Lisa at January 23, 2009 01:48 AM (YEsan)

8 I loved the Gryffindor line...

Posted by: D at January 23, 2009 06:44 AM (PiAiM)

9 We have a cat named Salmonella. She was a scruffy, sick looking kitten when we took her in, it really suits her! I just have to whistle at the door if I want to get the cats in, but sometimes I like to call her name out loud anyway...

Posted by: Gry at January 23, 2009 05:22 PM (dFzUW)

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I know there are people who read here who are going through fertility treatment, have been through losses, or who do not have children even though it's one of the single most desired for pieces of their lives, and I do not in any way, shape or form want to hurt you, so if that might be you stop reading and come back Monday when no doubt I'll be back on something disgusting or embarrassing regarding my behavior, bodily fluids, or completely random concepts that have nothing to do with anything.

I just want to say this:

Coming home to the man you're turning things around with and whom you've missed so much it's been like missing one of your lungs is fabulous.

Coming home, driving together to the nursery, and kneeling down to scoop up two babies (both shrieking with delight) who have hurtled themselves towards you at a crawl that registers with the speed of sound and who, once on your lap, won't let go of you as they laugh while you take turns kissing each of them is icing on the proverbial cake.

-H.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 06:37 AM | Comments (18) | Add Comment
Post contains 189 words, total size 1 kb.

1 That sounds wonderful. Glad you are home safe and you are all together again. Much love.

Posted by: Stacie at January 17, 2009 06:46 AM (p6L8W)

2 Those blissful moments to remember...

Posted by: Lily at January 17, 2009 08:50 AM (N/FGM)

3 Makes me feel all warm inside...unless I just peed myself!*

Posted by: Bee Cee at January 17, 2009 10:44 AM (3337K)

4 Lucky you, enjoy,you deserve it, your times have been hard enough.

Posted by: Paula at January 17, 2009 12:25 PM (nlQnt)

5 So very sweet!! What a wonderful reward after a long hard work week!

Posted by: amy at January 17, 2009 01:11 PM (Ex6XB)

6 Glad you made it home.

Posted by: Jamie at January 17, 2009 01:14 PM (OEj7F)

7 It really doesn't get any better that that.

Posted by: ~Easy at January 17, 2009 01:20 PM (ajz97)

8 Love it!

Posted by: diamond dave at January 17, 2009 02:03 PM (LuGg1)

9 Now that is what I say life is all about! :-)

Posted by: steff at January 17, 2009 02:06 PM (hKY1i)

10 Do I want what you have? Oh yes. While in some cases, I'd stop reading and just give a virtual finger to people who have the family that I'm dying for, I never feel that way with you and your family. I'm so happy that someone, especially someone as awesome as you, has what I want and proves that it is possible.

Posted by: Jendeis at January 17, 2009 02:16 PM (jus7p)

11 Being missed by your family is the sweetest thing this side of heaven.

Posted by: kenju at January 17, 2009 02:54 PM (shDit)

12 *le sigh*

Posted by: wn at January 17, 2009 03:17 PM (4p6vU)

13 That's beyond coolness

Posted by: Ernie_E at January 17, 2009 04:52 PM (Lj8GS)

14 Please don't worry about such things. You owe no apologies for the love and wonder you have in your life. Says one of the people who can never have what you have in your life. xo

Posted by: Terry at January 17, 2009 07:05 PM (I4yBD)

15 I don't resent you, despite my raging case of baby fever. Envy? Absolutely. If you constantly blogged about your youth, talent, domesticity, perfect career, fulfilling sex life, and flock of angelic children with alliterative names, I'd consider resenting you. The fact that you're honest about things not always being sugar and spice and everything fictional makes me come back to your blog, wondering "Oooh, what's Helen up to? And has she posted any pictures of those precious babies today?"

Posted by: D at January 17, 2009 08:15 PM (CN8JZ)

16 I thought you were going to say you were pregnant! Anyway, yes, that feeling is wonderful. It makes up for the times when your child looks you straight in the eye and says, "I don't like you anymore Mum." Though in actuality that sort of statement makes me love her even more and realise that she is really mine after all.

Posted by: MsPrufrock at January 17, 2009 10:04 PM (LXMti)

17 You never have to apologize for your blessings. I'm glad you had such a nice homecoming. Glad your trip is over!

Posted by: caltechgirl at January 19, 2009 02:40 AM (IfXtw)

18 ×òî-òî òû íåäîãîâàðèâàåøü…

Posted by: Irodealtelt at January 20, 2009 08:10 PM (+WmqD)

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Hmmm...commenters don't like my presence in Finland, I think (I liked my last two posts, but you never know).

Will be back on home turf on Monday, where hopefully you all come back. I'm sensitive. I notice things.

*Sobs quietly*

Kidding. In the meantime, tonight my team and I are having a drink-up. We need one. I need one. I had a quiet night in last night, with takeout sushi and a bottle of wine bought from the liquor store, which in Finland is a state-run shop called"Alko", which doesn't make you feel like you have a problem or anything.

And I bet one of my colleagues that he wouldn't use the term "buttmonkey" in the meeting today. He just used it. Looks like I have to pay up now. I always pay my bets, but maybe I should stop making them. It reminds me of the time I bet an ex on something, with the loser getting a pie in the face.

Let's just say that I still hate meringue.

-H.

PS - the purple sour wine gums are indeed my favorite. Black currant flavor...mmmmm....

PPS - a Finnish kid was arrested yesterday for taking an extra fish stick at his school lunchtime. I can't imagine what they would've done to Oliver Twist.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 09:16 AM | Comments (24) | Add Comment
Post contains 222 words, total size 1 kb.

1 It's kinda funny, but I can't comment from my work computer. The filter has no problem displaying your site, but if I click to comment, it blocks the comment page as pornography. Nothing wrong with Finland (or you being there) in my book.

Posted by: Z. Hendirez at January 15, 2009 09:43 AM (otB//)

2 Oh, now I have guilt! I don't comment often because mine always seem so...feeble compared to your other comments. I didn't expect posts from you while you were away so you stunned me into silence (good ebough excuse?). And I don't like like sour...but regular blackcurrant are my favourites. (And I just tried to post this but there is a high level of spammers so I have to wait)

Posted by: Gill at January 15, 2009 09:48 AM (R2vBh)

3 I have the same issue with comments lately. I'm sorry I've been so quiet...

Posted by: Lauren at January 15, 2009 10:34 AM (/h6Eg)

4 Redressing the balance... haven't commented in a while, or commented anywhere much lately!! Slack... will try to do better.

Posted by: Deeleea at January 15, 2009 10:53 AM (ruY+C)

5 I've to second Gill- your spam blocker threw me out on more than one occasion lately. And while my comments diffused into outer space, I had to crawl back into my hole to do some heavy-duty whining. :-) Lily

Posted by: Lily at January 15, 2009 11:15 AM (Y8m4l)

6 Still here, just giving you a moment of silence for the vibrator :-p

Posted by: Angela at January 15, 2009 12:34 PM (DGWM7)

7 Oh, please elaborate on the genius use of buttmonkey in a meeting! Hilarious. Sounds like New Gig is working out just fine. (And I have been up to my eyeballs - AND the whole "comments are temporarily closed due to spammers" kinda hamstrings my brilliant commentary at times. Or something.)

Posted by: Margi at January 15, 2009 12:48 PM (Blnuk)

8 As I e-mailed you awhile back, I have problems with your comments, too. It often tells me that comments are turned off because of spam or that I have a link in my comments (even when I remove the link it still won't let me comment).

Posted by: Jen R. (aaron-n-jen.com) at January 15, 2009 01:43 PM (J6HVJ)

9 Spam blocker got me too. And is there a US equivilant for "wine gummies"? I have no idea what they are.

Posted by: ~Easy at January 15, 2009 01:45 PM (IVGWz)

10 Let's take a look at the spam blocker thingy, shall we?

Posted by: Pixy Misa at January 15, 2009 02:52 PM (2yngH)

11 Hmm. Well, right now everything seems to be fine.

Posted by: Pixy Misa at January 15, 2009 02:52 PM (2yngH)

12 If your comment does get rejected unexpectedly, email me at help@mu.nu. If you can, include both the comment and the full text of any error message you got, and I'll get things fixed up for you.

Posted by: Pixy Misa at January 15, 2009 02:59 PM (2yngH)

13 I googled sour wine gums, and you come up on the first page! Twice!

Posted by: Tracy at January 15, 2009 03:11 PM (eiiGE)

14 ummm the black dragibus (which I refused to eat for the longest time fearing them to be licorice flavoured...) are black currant too. and they are my favorite. I eat them in colour order...black last

Posted by: stinkerbell at January 15, 2009 04:41 PM (8j7PU)

15 I don't comment much in general but I'd like to think I haven't commented because Minnesota is just too damn cold. Today's high is -7F. Makes lving with an active 3 year old so much fun. No outside time! Yay! No wonder I'm so tired. I just wish he'd wear his damn mittens all the time. since birth the child has a thing against mittens - it is a battle we fight every day. Gr. I just want it to be 30F again. Amazing when you longly wish for 30F because it would feel dowwnright balmy. Is winter over yet??

Posted by: Jennifer at January 15, 2009 06:24 PM (6JvP5)

16 I'm still reading, just not a big commenter. Plus, I'm trying to will myself into going into labour and that takes effort.

Posted by: Veronica at January 15, 2009 08:10 PM (l5geK)

17 How many comments do you WANT, girl?

Posted by: Katie at January 15, 2009 09:36 PM (UaL+O)

18 Dude, it took me 3 tries to get my comment through yesterday. But I persevered. Because I love you. And because really you should know just how disgusting it is to eat off the floor of an airplane. Seriously.

Posted by: BeachGirl at January 15, 2009 10:36 PM (pZcKU)

19 sheesh, you wine about 18 comments! I rarely have more than 3 or 4 on my posts. I'm dying to try your wine gummies. Someday...

Posted by: wRitErsbLock at January 16, 2009 02:18 AM (0Pi1o)

20 Sorry, I've apparently fallen off the face of the planet - my silence is nothing against you or Finland, I've just been lacking in computer enjoyment time. I've also run into "Fluffy the Spamhound"(HA!) around here too, but mostly it's just me being too tired to come up with anything interesting to say in a comment.

Posted by: ZTZCheese at January 16, 2009 06:52 AM (Iw+8+)

21 Always reading, don't always have anything to say to anyone about anything. Always love you!

Posted by: That Girl at January 16, 2009 05:39 PM (hzryQ)

22 I am here. I have been out of town using a POS PC that if I was lucky, it would allow me to load a page. Loving you in Finland. Now that I delurked please stop by my new blog and delurk as well!

Posted by: Sk at January 16, 2009 06:17 PM (Ckc6D)

23 Am joining the queue to diss the spam-blocker! Your site still feels my tiscali email is 'questionable content' and politely declines it, so I resort to inventing wildly. Today, I am @buttmonkey... BTW, some Buttmonkey meeting context would be lovely! ETA: BUGGERATION! Have just encountered that wretched spamhound again and been rebuffed! Argh!

Posted by: Hairy Farmer Family at January 16, 2009 10:46 PM (wDWGe)

24 Oh dude! You were in Finland!? How did you like it? (I'm still undecided on the rest of the country, but I like our little corner..)

Posted by: Gry at January 19, 2009 04:50 PM (QtxHw)

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On my current project IÂ’m working with a guy from Sheffield. This may not seem like relevant information, but in terms of communication and speaking the same language itÂ’s very important. Because truthfully itÂ’s not the same language, not at all.

We all agreed early on in this project that swearing amongst ourselves is completely ok. And in a team of six, all of us from different parts of the world, we do. And to say that things regularly get interesting is an understatement. For example, the other day Sheffield Man called me “Cock.”

“Well fuck you too,” I replied huffily.

“No, no, no, no!” he said, panicked. “Cock is a good thing, too.”

“But you use cock as a bad thing. You called the Coke machine a cock the other day when it ate your 50p.”

“Yeah, it was a cock. A bad cock. But cock can also be a term of endearment.”

Oh man. Cussing just got that much harder.

Swearing is a funny thing – get it wrong and you look like a real wally. Get it right and you go down in certain slang dictionaries and get copied across Facebooks and MySpaces the world over. People say that those who swear simply lack the couth or intelligence to use other words in their stead. I would refute that by saying that I am a manifestation of decorum and erudition. Then I'd tell them to fuck off.

I’m a big fan of swearing, and I like swearing to be creative. My key phrase for some time was “fuckshit”, which I callously stole from a horrible film, this phrase being the only redeeming quality from said cellular disaster. I’m a big fan of using “whore” but over here it’s the ultimate insult for most women, so I’m careful in who I use it with. I use the term "dweedle" a lot (as in "Stop being such a dweedle!") which I don't know where I picked up and would quite like to give it back.

I also like to swear in Swedish although Swedish cussing isn’t very creative. Their worst word is Swedish for “devil”. You can use anything else on TV but not that word. Interestingly, a friend of mine in Swedish introduced me to “Pucko javel” (pronounced “poo-koh yeh-vull”). Pucko is a Swedish chocolate drink exactly like the American Yoohoo. I detest Yoohoo with a fiery passion, so calling someone the equivalent of “a fucking Yoohoo” is popular with me.

Maybe I’ll just start using “fucking Yoohoo”.

No word is out of bounds with me, although you’ll be hard-pressed to hear me say “arse” because it makes me feel like a poser. The British language has opened my eyes to massive possibilities in swearing, and my vocabulary has grown exponentially. I now regularly use “git”, “wanker”, “twat”, “berk”, “tosser”, "bollocks", and my personal favourite, “pillock”. You can also combine phrases for further insult potential, for example the guys on the team call another man "Twatty Balls". Luckily he doesn't know this is his new moniker. I expect he'd have some choice things to say about it if he did.

Interestingly, most British insults seem to relate to only men or masturbation. I think thereÂ’s a message there. Stop punching the clown, lads.

IÂ’m looking to expand my vocabulary, though, so any input welcome.

-H.

PS-I think tomorrow should be International Internet Reveal Your Horrid Teenage Years Picture Day. Come on, I know we all have some of those photos. I know I certainly do, and I am rising to the challenge. Tonight I'll scan some of my more frightening photos and reveal them to you, and you will never ever again think of me as being anything that even borders cool. I appeal to you to do the same, only let me know in the comments tomorrow if you do so, because I want to gawk at your horrors just as much as you shall gawk at mine. No matter how bad you think your teen photos are, I will have you beat. Trust me.

So - scanners at the ready tomorrow?

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 09:22 AM | Comments (33) | Add Comment
Post contains 699 words, total size 4 kb.

1 I can't say that a movie where I get to hear one of the Golden Girls say "fuck" is a horrible film.

Posted by: Z. Hendirez at January 08, 2009 09:46 AM (otB//)

2 As a non-native speaker, I found a lot of things to learn from, e.g., Nick Hornby's "A long way down". Insults come in large flocks there

Posted by: Steffen at January 08, 2009 10:29 AM (GS8nT)

3 I can't seem to think of any to add to your list. After a cup of coffee I could probably come up with some in Italian and maybe French for you. It would be a interesting conversation with my Grandmother tho. Thankfully she would just be happy I called her, for whatever reason lol. And, thankfully both our scanners are not working at the moment!!

Posted by: justme at January 08, 2009 11:47 AM (/Wh2+)

4 Assclown is my all time favorite...but I use it almost exclusively as a term of endearment for That Guy I Married If I can get my freaking scanner to cooperate with me, I will post some photos of my youth. I can't wait to see yours

Posted by: justdawn at January 08, 2009 11:48 AM (IaIhm)

5 Don't need to scan anything. Old HS friends have already done that and I'm all over Facebook! But I'll post something. Oh, and my kids have started to swear in front of me. I don't mind, but I can't imagine where they learned that shit.

Posted by: ~Easy at January 08, 2009 12:23 PM (ajz97)

6 One of my favorites has always been "ShitfuckPISS". the depth of meaning is more conveyed with the speed and inflection with which you say it. Don't need to scan anything. Old HS friends have already done that and I'm all over Facebook! But I'll post something. Oh, and my kids have started to swear in front of me. I don't mind, but I can't imagine where they learned that shit.

Posted by: ~Easy at January 08, 2009 12:26 PM (ajz97)

7 I usually refrain from swearing because I've hurt a lot of people with it before. You would prolly swear me under the table if we had a competition, LOL! And that teenage picture thingy is a great idea! That might be my 365 for tomorrow too!

Posted by: ErnieE at January 08, 2009 12:32 PM (4pEUG)

8 I'm a big fan of swearing, but I have to say I've never heard cock used as a term of endearment. And how fun, I'll dig out something to scan and post tomorrow for sure!

Posted by: Erin at January 08, 2009 01:10 PM (IPMSz)

9 I love swearing too! I think you just touched on the reason I like British films so much. Their swearing is just so creative and it really sounds good. It just rolls off the tongue.

Posted by: geeky at January 08, 2009 01:40 PM (FBNua)

10 Whereas Mrs. Henderson Presents is a good movie, and Dame Judi Dench gets to say "fuck" and "pussy". How cool is that?? My recollection is that native East Londoners, i.e. Cockneys, use the appellation "me old cock" without any hint of double meaning. presumably this "cock" is a shortened form of Cockney (whose origin itself is somewhat disputed). It's rather like the way we Brits use the word "fag" to mean "cigarette", without ever thinking of the pejorative American sense, even though we all know it perfectly well.

Posted by: Gareth at January 08, 2009 02:06 PM (dhdo5)

11 Here's my contribution from up north: knob head, bell end, numpty, baw bag, plonker, jakey, schemie radge, jobby, mingin'. All are best said with a strong weegie accent. I have some seriously mingin' pics of myself from back in the day but sadly there are all at my mom's in the states...

Posted by: Lee at January 08, 2009 02:43 PM (cP0Yl)

12 Lee - excellent, thanks. I also use "plonker" and "numpty", but I absolutely adore "minging". I need to use that one more.

Posted by: Helen at January 08, 2009 03:05 PM (LewRx)

13 I will see if I can find any teenage pictures, but I think I burned all the bad ones a long time ago....

Posted by: Jen R. (aaron-n-jen.com) at January 08, 2009 03:14 PM (J6HVJ)

14 Fucktard and Arsehat are new ones. Bollocks is an all time Favourite. You'd Love "In Bruges" hearing Ralph Fiennes say "Fucking cunt children", in a cockney accent multiples times, is phenomenal

Posted by: jayne at January 08, 2009 03:38 PM (q5uvl)

15 I often call people either snatch or whore when I'm pissed and I'm quite fond of asshat too...

Posted by: Shannon at January 08, 2009 03:53 PM (DoWDa)

16 I prefer Italian Swearing, like "Bastardo" or "Putana la Madonna" or "Porco Dio" (all with rolling "R"). When I gave birth to my son in hospital the women next door thought that there was a Sicilian woman delivering next door.

Posted by: Paula at January 08, 2009 04:05 PM (Nm4nm)

17 you may need to post a glossary of terms for us - I don't know what half of those british swear words mean! and I'll dig in my archives tonight for a photo to scan. although I think most of the bad ones somehow met with an untimely end. ;-)

Posted by: Carol at January 08, 2009 05:52 PM (WLhT+)

18 Helen, be careful what you wish for. You just might get it. Consider yourself warned.

Posted by: physics geek at January 08, 2009 06:03 PM (MT22W)

19 We need a glossary for your words - some of them escape me!

Posted by: kenju at January 08, 2009 07:43 PM (shDit)

20 We need a glossary for your words.

Posted by: kenju at January 08, 2009 07:44 PM (shDit)

21 “git”: someone stupid and annoying “wanker”: someone who, er, indulges in self-recreation; someone stupid and annoying; someone who works in a bank (see: Merchant wanker) “tosser”: someone who, er, indulges in self-recreation; someone stupid and annoying; “twat”: someone stupid and annoying (there is also a connection with a part of the female anatomy but I think that is long gone or else I refuse to acknowledge it) “berk”: someone stupid and annoying "bollocks": come on class, you did that one in first year! “pillock”: someone stupid and annoying I'll give the other list a go: knob head: Someone whose head resembles part of the male anatomy bell end: my Glaswegian is rusty but I assume as above numpty: someone particularly stupid and hence rather annoying baw bag: someone or something resembling a bag in which one would find one's, well, say it to yourself. plonker: someone stupid and annoying jakey: I'm not entirely sure but I think someone stupid and annoying! schemie radge: a belligerent person who comes from a housing scheme (public housing project - I had to look up radge) jobby: something you'd flush away mingin': revolting

Posted by: Katie at January 08, 2009 11:37 PM (UaL+O)

22 The holy grail of bad words here in Canada is the 'C' word. (see I'm scared to write it) but in Scotland where I grew up, it was a swear word, but not _that_ bad. I often let it fly, but it tends to quiet a room very very quickly. I love love love swear words.. rolling my tongue around them, putting as much emphasis on them as possible, enjoying every sylable.

Posted by: ig at January 09, 2009 02:30 AM (fCvsS)

23 One of my proudest achievements in life is being able to swear in eight languages (English, French, Spanish, Italian, German, Yiddish, Croatian, and Creole). This, of course, leads to often muddled phrases, made worse by having British friends, and so now I regularly call people "baising douchewankers" and other odd combinations of swearwords. The movie "Saved" caused me to begin referring to the female reproductive zone as "the muffin basket," and so now I have the habit of adding the word "muffin" to cursewords, most commonly making the phrase "cuntmuffin." My favorite movie has got to be "Scotland, PA" because, sure, my favorite actress is in it, and it's a great film, but anything that combines Shakespeare and the word "fuck" in copious helpings is good in my book. I also love that someone aside from me has been known to utter the phrase "fuck fuckity fuck" (it was written into the movie after the director heard his wife, who plays the lead female, utter it at home). I'll dig out my incredibly awkward high-school pictures, but I may black my face out. Don't worry, it'll still look really awkward.

Posted by: D at January 09, 2009 02:53 AM (bRx8a)

24 I like to use "that kick's a donkey's ass" for something funny. Don't ask me where I came up with it. I have no clue. :-) P.S. apologies for the screwed up URL in my info. It wouldn't let me post without changing it.

Posted by: Ice Queen at January 09, 2009 03:51 AM (J27cy)

25 jackhole is one of my all time favourites...

Posted by: megan at January 09, 2009 04:01 AM (jy7KI)

26 "Asspanda" is a new favorite of mine, although I can't take credit for it. I read it online somewhere recently, probably in a blog. I'm sorry I can't remember where so I could give credit where credit is due, because it's a good one. In French, my favorite is "putain salope", which loosely translates to "f***ing whore". You can also put the "putain" in front of other nouns, like "putain voiture", said in anger when your car won't start, or "putain patron" when your boss is being a wanker. Similar to cursing, although not quite the same, are Southern colloquialisms. A couple of my favorites: "It's hotter'n two rats f***ing in a wool sock!"; "He's busier'n a three-legged cat on a marble floor with diarrhea"; "Shit fire and save the matches"; "She's so stupid she couldn't pour water from a boot if the instructions were printed on the heel".

Posted by: Sarah P. at January 09, 2009 05:51 AM (EeDct)

27 Dutch people say "shit" all.the.time, when you drop something, when you forget something. We say it without thinking, no one will be offended if you say it out loud. However, when we visited our Canadian relatives this summer *they* turned purple when *I* hit my toe and blood was all over the door step and I called out shitshitshit. Bf and I even had an argument about it: he said I shouldn't have said shit and I thought my toe was more important than their sensitive souls. Anyway, my fav British words must be wanker and tosser. Esp uttered with a fake posh accent. I watch this English show where girls who more or less live in bars have to try and become a lady at Egglestone(?) Hall. Great for my foreign vocabulary! In

Posted by: Vita at January 09, 2009 08:31 AM (fZwgf)

28 Sarah P. (Does the "P" doesn't stand for "Palin," by any chance? That would be awkward...), I'm stealing "asspanda." Oh, and I forgot to say that "asshat" is a fave. I nearly cried with excitement when someone uttered it on "Brothers and Sisters," nearly one-upping when someone on the same show called someone else a "pantload."

Posted by: D at January 09, 2009 11:41 AM (bRx8a)

29 "Diptard"— from Evil Rob. Usually in regards to driving. "Flash bastard"="swanky toff" I actually really like "twit," especially if you imagine it as being said by Alan Rickman in his role as the Sheriff of Nottingham. (Incidentally, the lady who played the witch I most recently saw as playing Miss Marple. Talk about two diametrically different roles...)

Posted by: B. Durbin at January 09, 2009 04:59 PM (eauGZ)

30 It's "Perückenschaf" here, when it comes to stupid driving (sheep with a wig). And Arschgesicht, which is assface. "Arsch mit Ohren" means "Ass with ears", and if I'm totally pissed off it's "Scheißepissekackearsch", aka ShitPissPooAss. The more hissing, the better. Yours sincerely, Lily:-)

Posted by: Lily at January 09, 2009 06:08 PM (LP4gz)

31 I've recently been introduced to anusbagel and twatweasel except that I think that someone just made those up. I especially like the first one because my son would report it as "a nice bagel" so I'd be ok there. I once shouted "you silly arse" in a driving incident and my son later reported (in hushed tones) that mummy had called a naughty man (imagine my sharp intake of breath) "a silly horse". Phew.

Posted by: Caroline M at January 10, 2009 08:20 AM (x3QDi)

32 I like asshat but my favorite insult still comes from the brits - "Your mother is a hampster and your father eats elderberries."

Posted by: That Girl at January 13, 2009 05:45 PM (hzryQ)

33 I worked in a factory in Chicago for several years, and learned to cuss in just about every language imaginable. There is a cuss in Tagalog, one word which I can't even begin to hope to spell, that refers to the filth that accumulates under one's foreskin. The Hindi cusses are really great, and they have a separate term for sisterf*cker, which they seem to save for those who are truly aweful. Personally, I'm quite partial to the term "Fucktard" and use it liberally when referring to my company's management.

Posted by: maolcolm at January 14, 2009 12:47 AM (S4HeD)

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The Gig has, as one of its core values, that we as a company have to give back to the community, and even has a volunteer organization as part of the company to ensure we can get plugged in to local activities. We also get two days paid leave to attend to volunteer actions, and I think it’s a good idea to volunteer. I’m not completely altruistic in this, I admit – my 5 year anniversary of moving here is coming up and I’m facing citizenship and indefinite leave to remain visa hassles, and volunteering is a good idea.

In November I signed up to help out this week, on Tuesday and Thursday, with a local school. The school has asked for local businesses to come and help students write CVs and go through mock interviews in preparation for college, university, and employment. I thought this was a great idea and since the school is local to the house (the babiesÂ’ nursery is located on site) I thought it would be very relevant, not least considering because IÂ’d just been through the interview and CV process. So yesterday I trooped out to the school to interview 15 and 16 year olds, their CVs already in-hand.

The CVs were cute – I made a lot of comments on them about things they’d done well (work experience) and things they may want to change (not having an email name of “sparklyhotkitten”, for example. I went into the school feeling decidedly cold and flu-y, and registered. There amongst the other business people to help interview were a scary looking sergeant in the military, a number of professionals from companies similar to mine, and a few school governors. We had lists of questions to ask the kids and critique papers for them to receive when we were done.

Our students came and got us and took us to an interviewing room. I was greeted by a very twitchy young woman named Ellie, who fidgeted with the cuffs of her school uniform constantly.

“Um, what are you going to do?” she asked in a quiet voice.

“Relax,” I said, smiling. “I’m not going to be mean or scare you at all. I’m just going to show you how to interview.”

She smiled hesitantly, clearly not convinced. As we walked she looked to the left and then dropped low, close to the floor.

“Are you ok?” I asked her, wondering if she was fainting.

“Ohmigod it’s Jacob,” she said in a theatrical whisper, indicating with her head a boy walking down a parallel corridor.

“Jacob is a good or a bad thing?” I ask, observing his stupid hair. Dear Jesus, please don’t let Nick have stupid hair in the future. I can handle many things, but stupid hair is not one of them.

“Are you serious?” she asks me, mouth agape. “Jacob is so hot!”

“Right. So why are you hiding?” I ask her as we shuffle along.

“He can’t see me!” she squeals.

“Then how is he going to notice you?” I ask.

“Ohmigod! He’s not!” she squeaks. "That's the point!"

Teenage love, man. More complicated than adult love.

When we get to the interviewing tables I meet the others – I have 5 students, all of them girls. I explain a bit about myself and where I come from, what I do. One of them seems very impressed. “You’re really high up in your company aren’t you?” she asks.

“No, I’m just about right.” I reply.

“You must earn so much money!” she breathes.

I think about my empty bank account. “Um, yeah. Lots of money.”

I tell them to relax and be themselves, that I am just here for practice and in future if they get an interview it means something good, that a company sees potential in them. They nod, sort of listening but still terrified. Truthfully, I was pretty nervous about meeting them prior to this - I think as someone who was both the nerd and the class clown in high school I can now be labelled "hideously uncool". As such, I have re-opened myself to a large amount of torment and teasing. My 80's perm may forever rest in peace.

We begin, and I start with Ellie.

“So Ellie, what do you see for yourself in 5 years?” I ask, using the standard boring interview question.

“Yeah, uh, I dunno,” she replies.

“OK, well what is your ideal job?” I ask her.

“Oh, I just want to be a secretary!” she says breathily.

This is a first. I know many people who become secretaries (I started out that way) but I’ve never met a teen who wanted that as a career choice, not in this generation. “What attracts you to the role?” I ask her neutrally.

“I think it’s so great that you know, you file, and you make coffee, and get lunch for my boss, and stuff like that. And I’m not good at anything else, really, so this is a good fit.”

I struggle with this one. I don’t let on to her that I'm struggling, I tell her that’s excellent and that behind every decent boss is a secretary who runs things with an iron fist. And I do mean that – the managers I know who have a modicum of success do so I think thanks to someone who toils thanklessly beneath them, making sure things keep running smoothly. But I can’t help but feel that she’s letting herself down a bit. The whole world is ahead of her, she’s only 16. She can be anything, but what she wants to be is a secretary.

Before I get hate mail, IÂ’m not in the least bad-mouthing secretaries. ItÂ’s hard work, and youÂ’re often overlooked. I know, I was one. I just canÂ’t point to anyone whose excitement is centred on making coffee for someone, and the basis of her choice is that she doesn't think she's good at anything. How can someone not have corrected her on that? Is it so that young girls think that about themselves these days? Am I missing something? Shouldn't we be saying "Yes, you can be a secretary, but it's a choice. You choose to be a secretary if that's what you want to be. It's not that you're not good at anything else."

As the interviews go on, itÂ’s clear that the girls are simply aiming low. One of them wants to start a wedding planning business but laughs it off, saying itÂ’s just a stupid dream, one that she'll never get to take off. Another one says she failed to get into sixth form college so sheÂ’s just going to work at a pre-school, and she adds she plans on working there for the rest of her life. Yet another one says she wants to be a chef but will likely wind up doing something else, as sometimes the coursework is too hard.

I look at these 5 girls, who have their whole lives ahead of them, and I want to shake some sense into them. You could be anything! I want to shout. Aim high, life will come in and kick you anyway, but you might as well have this dream! You have so much to offer, donÂ’t knock yourself down!

Talking to Angus later, he tells me that maybe I have the wrong end of the stick. In his school, he explained, career day had a film about working in a sausage making factory. Of his former classmates most of them wound up in thoroughly average roles during thoroughly average work. But theyÂ’re happy for the most part, even if they do sometimes say they wonder what would have happened if onlyÂ…

ItÂ’s not like IÂ’m some pinnacle of success myself, I never saw this in my future. I'm not someone with the right to stand on a soapbox and tell people to be like me. I just hate seeing young people not want to reach for everything. I hate seeing anyone, regardless of their age, say that theyÂ’re not good at anything. My problem is not that I don't want to hear someone saying they just want to be a secretary, as I don't want to hear someone saying they just want to be a senior project manager, either. I want these girls to say that the sky's the limit, they're evaluating their options because they could do anything. Most of all, I want them to take out the "just" in their dreams, as it implies they are limited by something above.

It's as Angus and I have been saying - we don't want our kids to have lives as good as ours. We want their lives to be better, to be more. You can be envious of anyone and everyone around you, except for your kids. For them, you want them to have it all.

And maybe above all, I hate seeing women beat themselves up like that. I tend to believe that things are just that little bit harder for women in the working world anyway. We need to approach employment with energy and the belief that we are just as good as anyone else, more specifically that we are just as good as the men. Otherwise how can we accept the failings weÂ’ve subjected our young women to? How is it that boys in the other interview groups believe they can be policemen, businessmen, or attorneys but my five girls don't even believe they can try again to get into sixth form, or that they have more to offer than picking up someone's lunch?

In the end I thank them. I tell them they did great. I wish them luck in everything they do. And at the bottom of their critique sheets I write: “Believe in yourself. You’re great, you just need to believe it.”

They'll maybe laugh it off. I'm hideously uncool and I know it. But if only...

-H.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 09:56 AM | Comments (16) | Add Comment
Post contains 1668 words, total size 9 kb.

1 I think this is still the low self-esteem of their mothers which makes them feel inferior. This is tough and goes on for generations.You also need a dad to tell you that you're great and be really confident in your abilities. So, the question is what's wrong with the moms and dads?

Posted by: Paula at January 07, 2009 11:48 AM (Nm4nm)

2 God, that's so depressing. Except for Jacob & SparklyHotKitten, which is knicker-wetting stuff. I don't mind what Harry does to his hair, though - I reckon there's worse ways he can embarrass himself. We're very relaxed on hair round here. Wait til you see us! But yes, depressing, and I don't know why the hell I think I'm entitled to be dismissive about those low-pitched career choices. I spent years in my early 20s in temporary jobs that were precisely what they were describing. I wish to God I'd pulled my finger out at school and actually just decided on a sodding career, instead of sailing off to do a degree in ancient bloody history because I couldn't decide where life was taking me. Cough. Sorry. I seem to have digressed into a completely unnecessary personal disappoinment diatribe! I'm surprised your citizenship isn't pretty much in the bag already, particularly as you are the mother of two undisputed (and monstrously cute!) british citizens. Surely you haven't got to sit one of those peculiar tests?!

Posted by: Hairy Farmer Family at January 07, 2009 12:54 PM (NMxGt)

3 Aspiring to be a secretary is fine. After all, somebody has to be the secretary. (I note in passing that in my office we don't have Secretaries. We have Clerk/typists. Except during secretaries week.) The problem is often that expectations are raised too high. The idea that one can be anything seems to only apply if you're aspiring to be "somebody". Kids who want to fix cars, or be secretaries are often told they should aspire to greater things. I tell my girls that whatever they do is fine with me.

Posted by: ~Easy at January 07, 2009 01:53 PM (IVGWz)

4 I tutored a girl in the local housing projects for several years (she was bright, we didn't really do her homework, we mostly hung out and talked...) and part of her inability to see options was that they weren't present in her everyday world. For example, I was the only person she knew well who "dressed up" for work every day. I (and others like me) humanized parts of the world that she hadn't had the opportunity to understand, and in that, she was kind of 'freed' to explore the idea of them. Over time, she changed her personal narrative from "if I graduate high school" to "when I go to college" (which she did). I'm glad you met these girls. You probably had more of an impact on them than you suspect.

Posted by: suze at January 07, 2009 02:30 PM (0doyF)

5 You might be surprised at what a compliment or encouraging word from a stranger can mean and/or do. In "Chariots of Fire", Harold Abrams (a 100m sprinter) says to his best friend, "You are my complete man, Aubrey. You're content. Contentment is the key. I'm 24, and I've never known it." (paraphrased) As you say, there's nothing wrong with being a secretary or factory worker (the world needs those), but if you want more, don't settle for less. I want Godliness and contentment for my children. Whether they're astronauts, brick layers, or secretaries; I will be thrilled for them if they're Godly and content. ~Easy also made an excellent point. We must balance encouragement and aspirations with at least a moderate amount of realism.

Posted by: Solomon at January 07, 2009 03:02 PM (x+GoF)

6 I think you had the chance to do some good in the world, and you did. Sure, they can be a secretary if they want, but they need to understand that with enough hard work and effort, they can be practically anything they feel like. I'm glad you got to do that.

Posted by: Hannah at January 07, 2009 03:46 PM (lUH62)

7 As you said, I think it's fine to want to be a secretary if that's a job that sounds appealing for whatever reason--even if it's that she loves making coffee, or that she wants a job that doesn't require a whole lot of education. It's the "not good at anything" part that bothers me. Even if she'd said, "I think I'd be a really good secretary" (or "I'm going to work at a preschool because I love kids and I think it would be fun" or "I'll probably work at the sausage factory because the benefits are good and you get free sausage") that wouldn't be so depressing.

Posted by: electriclady at January 07, 2009 04:11 PM (n8XnF)

8 Ok, I'm a bit of a lurker who is coming out to say something about this. It is definetly something that hits close to home. I grew up with parents who told me I always needed to do better than them, but when I suceeded my mothers jealousy brought me back down. So I grew up feeling pretty much worthless. I did end up finding a career path that would have made me very happy, but it was no where near amazing. I never felt good enough, and my real dreams had been killed so badly when I was young, I had forgotten them. So I decided to go on a path to make myself worthy, and this produced the craziest unplanned move of my life. I decided to give up what I was studying, and now I am going after that dream. My path in life has never felt more right than in the moments I am working towards it; so now I am working harder than I have in my entire life and I have never been happier. So reading the time and kind words you gave those girls made my day. For it is something I try to do to anyone I meet, because everyone has so much more inside them. So even if they chose to be a secretary, I just wish they know they are worth everything.

Posted by: Victoria at January 07, 2009 04:27 PM (n82b0)

9 And now I must watch Finding Neverland, one of my favorite films ever, because it includes one of my favorite quotes and you have brought it to mind... Porthos dreams of being a bear, and you want to shatter those dreams by saying he's *just* a dog? What a horrible candle-snuffing word. That's like saying, "He can't climb that mountain, he's just a man", or "That's not a diamond, it's just a rock." Just.

Posted by: amy t. at January 07, 2009 04:27 PM (3dOTd)

10 I must admit, I scanned before I read and when I saw the name Jacob, I thought you were doing a fiction piece and that there would be some lupine phasing going on. And then I got to the secretary part and wished again for the fictional lupine phasing. Unfortunately, these are gals that seem to be following the current trend of downplaying themselves. When I was in high school and asked that question, I rattled off a list of things I wanted to do, most of which I haven't accomplished. (Teaching English to kids in Spain, working at a publishing house--check, editing books--check, writing books--check if photo captions count, winning a Pulitzer by age 21--HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!, marriage and kids--BWHAHAHAHAHA!!!) Moreso, I remember my mother telling me she wanted me to be more than an admin because it's what she does (did, she just retired) and she wanted more for me. Guess what? I'm an admin. I attribute part of my current job to my college experience. I'd like to cockpunch every asshole who told me to "major in something love" rather than "major in something that will give you job skills and make you money." A creative writing degree isn't especially marketable to the masses, ya know? I also attribute my admin-ing to a completely stupid and counterproductive inherent reaction to authority. Mom said she wanted more for me? Well, I'll show her! There's more to it of course. It's the easiest profession for women to fall into, I think. Especially women who are articulate and creative, as the job requires some serious problem solving. Unfortunately, it also requires a lot of thick skin, which I don't seem to have. It saddens me that the girls seem to have already defeated themselves. The crack about courses being too hard breaks my heart. At the same time though, I don't quite encourage the "You can do anything you want!" speech because it's flat out untrue. I was fed that speech so much I actually believed it and I'm now one bitter cunt because of it. And had I only thought about it a bit, I'd have known it was untrue-- I could never, ever be a mathelete or a politician no matter how hard I worked. I beg you--instead of the "you can do anything" spiel, tell the twins that you'll support them in anything they do, or that they should dream big and go big and you'll be their safety net, should they need. Wave pom poms, smile, tell them it's okay to fail and you'll still love them no matter what. And as for Jacob's stupid hair-- did he have The Rachel? I'm noticing now that all young kids have Leif Garrett hair, which I now recognise as The Rachel. It is completely NOT okay.

Posted by: Ms. Pants at January 07, 2009 04:50 PM (+p4Zf)

11 It sounds like you might need to talk to their careers teacher - if things haven't changed since I was at school, there may still be some telling the girls this is all they can be, but if things have, there's some serious peer/parental influence going on and the career teacher needs to know...

Posted by: Katie at January 07, 2009 07:56 PM (UaL+O)

12 Do you think it might be a little cultural? I'm not sure. I think it's hideously said that they think there should be a "just" in their dreams, as well. I think we should all pick our dream careers based on what we think we'd be good at and what we'd enjoy, and not pick our dream careers on what we think we can't be. If that makes sense.

Posted by: Jen R. (aaron-n-jen.com) at January 07, 2009 08:04 PM (J6HVJ)

13 Wow. That is tragic. I wonder if it's cultural? I still hear quite a few lofty aspirations amongst the younger people I know here in the States. I love that about this country - that we believe every avenue is open to us with enough determination, work ethic and moxy. I hope we never stop.

Posted by: Kimberly at January 07, 2009 08:54 PM (v57BG)

14 Don't despair. The girl who wants to be a secretary may end up realizing she can do a better job than her boss and take his job.

Posted by: DEBORAH at January 07, 2009 10:30 PM (DxdDc)

15 I doubt if the responses were a little cultural. A lot cultural. I knew a female physician with a pre-school daughter. The only mom she had ever known was a physician and she was well aware her mother was a physician. Daughter comes home from like 5 yo kindergarten and tells her mother she cannot be a doctor as only boys are doctors; girls are nurses. That is culture in action.

Posted by: Charles at January 08, 2009 02:14 AM (Dk5Ts)

16 I wish I had a role model or a mentor when I was their age. Or now. lol I always knew my parents would stand behind any choices I made career wise. However, I never had that urge to be something specific. I sooo envy anyone who has a calling like that, someone who has direction in life. I'm still looking for mine at 40. Congrats on taking the effort to instill a little self confidence and pride in a few young ladies. Perhaps they will remember your words of encouragement and follow one of those dreams they deemed silly pipe dreams. Oh, and I have to add that as a former secretary and admin assistant...... that a truly good one is the cruxt of many offices. I took great pride in pre-emptively reading my bosses wants and needs. An no, I didnt do coffee or lunch unless we had some guests or special meetings going on in the office.

Posted by: Terry at January 08, 2009 07:27 AM (GAf+S)

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I'm over being sick.

Over over over over over.

I spent the entire two weeks over the holidays sick as the proverbial canine. First the stomach flu. Then influensa (like 8 million others in the UK). Now the stomach flu feels like it's creeping back on again (and Angus got hit with it again last night), along with a cold which has my nose running at a million miles an hour. Although the good news is the new improved stronger anti-depressants I've been put on seem to be working, although they make me very tired and very queasy. Small price, I know.

Nick has an ear infection so severe that his eardrum burst. He's on antibiotics now, and isn't too happy (although he does really like the taste of the antibiotics. I want to tell him to ease off, otherwise he will miss the glory that is tranquilizers). My poor sweet little boy is teething as well, molars coming up in his back gum that make his cheeks look bright red. Nora has an ear infection as well, in fact make hers a double. They both have raging colds still, meaning we go through boxes of Kleenex as I wipe their constantly streaming noses, which pisses them right off every time. And over Christmas we met up with their cousin, who had a raging case of conjunctivitis. I sighed, knowing exactly what was going to happen next.

So it has - both babies have come down with conjunctivitis. In both eyes. And I sighed again, knowing exactly what was to come next.

Sure enough, today I'm at work in my glasses, my eyes so gluey I feel like they've been superglued shut.

Any day now we'll have quarantine signs posted on the house. Our home cannot be entered without a Hazmat suit, and even then you're going to be catching something. We're like the CDC posterchildren.

*sneeze*

-H.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 09:00 AM | Comments (16) | Add Comment
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1 you poor dear! My eyes watered as soon as I ever read the word conjunctivitis!!! I catch it so easy.like I will probably get it now that you have mentioned it lol. Hope every one feels better soon.

Posted by: justme at January 06, 2009 10:19 AM (/RAe2)

2 That was suppose to be even and a capitol L on like. Sigh, it is early here and I am waiting for the coffee to finish up. Oh an fabulous pictures in yesterdays post btw. ugh and a capitol YYYYYY on you. Can you just delete it or re-write that comment? LOL.

Posted by: justme at January 06, 2009 10:23 AM (/RAe2)

3 I wish I could offer some amazing miracle health cure, but I can't, and apparently eating every sample from the crunchy granola store's health aisle doesn't work at all (I feel you on those chronic colds, really, I do). I did discover the joys of GABA supplements though, and it's been a savior in helping me sleep properly and stay a little more relaxed throughout the day. I'm even dreaming regularly, which is amazing. I definitely recommend trying it out (not instead of the anti-depressants, of course, just as an added helper).

Posted by: D at January 06, 2009 10:40 AM (bRx8a)

4 I wish I did NOT feel your pain! It sucks....MD and I were sick for the WHOLE 2 months before christmas (getting used to new daycare germs, etc) and then....RIGHT before christmas all of our "ailments" intensified by like a million....both momma and poppa came down with wicked sinus infections, baby came down with pneumonia....the holidays were SO pleasant.... Now just when everyone is due back at work...and supposed to actually BE productive and MAKE money....the sinus infections are back and baby has pleasantly developped bronchitis AND an ear infection...fun times. fun times Oh yea, and did I forget to mention that my inlaws have been staying with us for 20+ days now and they are both sick as dogs too? AWESOME I'll have a drink for you and you have a drink for me...mmk? (provided, of course, that your stomach can handle a bit of wine) wouldn't it be nice to drink wine at work? O....I digress....

Posted by: wn at January 06, 2009 12:09 PM (zh/oU)

5 Sounds awful, I hope everyone is on the mend soon!

Posted by: Erin at January 06, 2009 12:42 PM (IPMSz)

6 You poor dears! All I can offer as encouragement is it does get better as the babies grow and they stop soaking up germs like sponges. Feel better soon!

Posted by: Laura at January 06, 2009 02:27 PM (U1yF0)

7 I feel your pain. I am still traumatized by the Christmas of 1990. We were visiting the East Coast and the kids came down with the chicken pox so off to a hotel we went for two weeks to keep from exposing all the other grandkids. The baby ended up with varcella pneumonia. He recovered in hospital, I don't think that I have yet! You, however, sound much brighter, illness irregardless. I am so glad.

Posted by: Melissia at January 06, 2009 04:36 PM (IBnue)

8 Oh, that sucks. I am so sorry. Why do you think babies don't like to have their faces wiped?

Posted by: Jen at January 06, 2009 06:11 PM (kgpBU)

9 I didn't want to say anything, but um.... I think this means the babies have my immune system. Which is to say--a very crap one. Like, I expect to have pink-eye by the end of this comment. (I've already got the cold/flu coming on.) E-me about the new pills, k? I wanna hear 'bout 'em!

Posted by: Ms. Pants at January 06, 2009 06:22 PM (+p4Zf)

10 my sympathies to you all! my newest apporach to colds and the like is lots of hot broth - it feels good...

Posted by: suze at January 06, 2009 07:59 PM (0doyF)

11 But other than that, everything is OK, right? Whe nit pours, it rains ... or something like that. Get Well Soon AllTheBest, Rob

Posted by: Rob at January 06, 2009 10:52 PM (ShzVH)

12 The first year I taught I was sick ALL year which sucked BUT after that I didn't get sock for FIVE YEARS! Super immunity!! Fingers crossed this is the silver lining for y'all too.

Posted by: flikka at January 06, 2009 10:53 PM (o19Kc)

13 Sending get-well wishes your way.

Posted by: Lisa at January 06, 2009 11:38 PM (YEsan)

14 Oh. MY. Get better. You will. It only feels like forever.

Posted by: B. Durbin at January 07, 2009 12:50 AM (PlHif)

15 Man, you pissed winter right the fuck off this year, didn't you? Get a good shea butter balm for Nick and Nora's noses and rub it on nightly. They'll probably be even more pissed off and you'll need to add extra to the therapy fund, but it really does help with the chapped nose thing that they most likely have. Mini has it too pretty bad this year because of the dry weather, and the stuff I use works like a charm. I find he's a tad less resistant to having the snot yanked from his face that way.

Posted by: statia at January 07, 2009 01:50 AM (s5ipx)

16 Seriously! I'm sending healing vibes your way!

Posted by: Lauren at January 07, 2009 02:05 AM (/h6Eg)

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The Saturday before Christmas my stepmom was here and basically ordered us out of the house, in the way only a loving stepmom can pull off. Angus and I hadn't been out as just the two of us in forever, and she was throwing us out of the house and insisting that we go on a date. She always offers and we never take her up on it, but this time we did.

We fed my stepmom a little home cookin'. We showered. I put on makeup and some strappy shoes and I wore this little number. That's right - mother of two, complete with saggy C-section scar, decked out in a minidress.

And Angus and I - doing really well now after this past weekend of dark, difficult talks - went to a party. A Christmas party, full of Christmas people and Christmas cheer. The two of us, minus two teething, dribbly, babbly little creatures wore grown-up clothes and grown-up heels and went to a party.

The party was fun. It really was. Lots of laughter and booze and people in festive outfits celebrating a festive time. Mistletoe was everywhere, and I find that while the English may have a reputation fo rbeing straight-laced, add English people to a Christmas party and you get wild abandon. It's all about the kissing, snogging, bum clutching and red-cheeked behavior. It's not like it's one wild orgy or anything, it feels more like people make up for being more straight-laced the rest of the year.

I found myself under the mistletoe a lot, generally accidentally. I got myself a lot of kisses. I don't mind, it's all in good fun, a quick smack on the mouth or cheek is no big deal. Everyone was having fun and doing similar when someone would inadvertantly find themself hanging around underneath a poisonous plant.

Yet at one point during the night, I found someone's hand on my shoulder. I turned and it was a man there, one I didn't know. He was polite and kind, older than I, and he looked up. "You're under the mistletoe," he said nicely.

I followed his gaze to see that once again I had wound up under that damn plant. "So I am," I replied. Angus was talking and laughing to some people nearby, he waved his glass in a salute and carried on talking.

I smiled and got ready to pucker up when something unusual happened, something I hadn't expected. The man moved forward and opened his arms. He pulled me to him and put my head against his chest.

"I hope you don't mind," he said. "It's just you look like you could really use a cuddle instead of a kiss."

It's hard for me to write this and tell you that in that moment, I knew he absolutely meant nothing remotely sexual. Likewise, I expected nor wanted anything more intimate than what had happened. He wasn't coming on to me, he wasn't playing some stupid man-game whereby I am supposed to throw myself at him and ply him with liquid eyes, he was being genuine. I honestly know that. I will likely never see this guy again, and if I do it will be a harmless and innocent encounter. He was just a stranger that hugged me.

And as I stood there, in some stranger's arms, I took such enormous comfort from a gesture that was as innocent as his intent was. Me, a 34 year old in a sparkly minidress and strappy shoes, I was being hugged by someone who somehow knew that all I wanted was some contact.

There's a Charlie Brown cartoon that I remember. I'm not big on the Peanuts, I find them relatively un-funny, but this one sticks out. It's Charlie Brown facing the reader, and all he says is this: "I feel lonely when I'm all alone."

That's well and good, Chuck, but what happens if you're someone who feels lonely when you're not alone?

Loneliness is something reserved for the single folk and the ones who aren't in some kind of unit. If you're in a family and feeling lonely, then people get out the advice books - You're with the wrong person. You're unhappy. And the worst - What do you have to feel lonely about? It's as though the company of any other human body is supposed to be enough to ensure that you never, ever feel lonely. You feel naughty for feeling alone, you feel ungrateful and childish. You have someone, why should you feel alone? But maybe it's not about having someone. Maybe you are the kind of person that gets on an iceberg and can't figure out the way off of it.

The busier my life gets, the more lonely I feel.

Sometimes we're with people that we love heart and soul, but even in love there are differences, there need to be. We can't want the same things. We can't have the same needs. It's the same with families - having a family doesn't mean that you never feel alone again, it just means that there are several other people in the house who need you, too.

Many years ago I used to surround myself with things. I used to believe that objects would make me happy, that they would give me purpose. After falling into serious credit card debt and giving away nearly every single item that I owned, I learned that things, they didn't make me happy. I could have all the things in the world, it still didn't make me feel any less lonely.

It's not like I spend my time at home functioning as either a mother or as a sexual object, but to be simply hugged by someone was something I needed, something that I was craving and I didn't even know it. Maybe the truth is even when we have full lives of family, work, friends, writing, blogging, you name it, sometimes we just need someone to reach inside of our little bubble and hold on to our elbow, to remind us that we're not alone. You can feel lonely when you're all alone, but it's a lot more painful to feel lonely when you're not.

Or maybe it's just me.

-H.

Posted by: Everydaystranger at 02:52 PM | Comments (21) | Add Comment
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1 That is how I feel when someone asks me how "I" am doing. Nobody ever asks about me, they ask about the kids or my husband or the writing. I get more attention than I can handle. My kids love me, my husband loves me, my parents and in-laws love me and my pets love me. Sometimes there is something little makes you realize what you are missing. For you it was the hug, for me it is someone asking how I am. I sometimes feel lonely even though I never get a second alone.

Posted by: Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah at January 02, 2009 04:22 PM (AWXki)

2 What a great moment. And you're right - sometimes all we really need is an unsolicited hug. Wishing you a great 2009 - I so enjoy reading your posts. BTW- can you enable a long RSS feed instead of a short one so that those of us using RSS readers like Google Reader can read your entire post without having to click out to the blog? thanks.

Posted by: hopefulmother at January 02, 2009 04:33 PM (Xwyw5)

3 Sometimes a hig is the only thing in the world that helps. What a nice Christmas present. Hapy New Year to all of yous!

Posted by: caltechgirl at January 02, 2009 05:01 PM (IfXtw)

4 I know EXACTLY what you mean. I have always felt more lonely in a crowd so to speak.

Posted by: justdawn at January 02, 2009 06:20 PM (k66PJ)

5 "Sometimes I go into the mountains and stay by myself for days, weeks, and I'm not lonely, yet at a party surrounded by a hundred people, I am more lonely than ever." A quote from a book that I love. I understand what you mean. I am glad someone saw that you needed that hug and gave it to you.

Posted by: TNC at January 02, 2009 06:59 PM (s31/e)

6 I understand, too! I often feel alone when im physically not.... a hug can really be the best thing. Happy New Year!

Posted by: Christina at January 02, 2009 08:23 PM (ULlkA)

7 This one made me cry big fat tears. I think I can relate to that kind of loneliness. Hugs to you, Helen. I am glad that you got the chance to go out and have a little fun. I am happy that there was someone at the party who recognized that you needed that hug. But mostly, I am glad that things have calmed for you and Angus now that the holidays are over. Happy New Year, Helen. I wish you much love, happiness, and good health.

Posted by: Stacie at January 02, 2009 09:42 PM (p6L8W)

8 I'm single, and generally have a very satisfying and full life. But my god, do I miss being touched, held and cuddled. So very much.

Posted by: Kimberly at January 02, 2009 11:53 PM (Pxeoq)

9 It's not you. I find myself feeling very lonely in mostly all of my relationships right now, and I am very depressed because of it. I thought it was sad that Angus was right there and someone else noticed that what you needed was a hug, but maybe that's just me.

Posted by: Donna at January 03, 2009 01:24 AM (bpEQp)

10 Helen, it's not just you. I immediately identified with your experience. I think the reason that a kindness from a stranger touches us so much is that it's like they see you as YOU, the person, rather than the role you play in their life. They have no self-interest. Anyway, I think it was neat and that hug was important. Wishing you a great 2009!

Posted by: Star at January 03, 2009 02:06 AM (5mbtb)

11 I understand that perfectly. I'm so glad you got to go to that party. I just read the bio of Chrarles Schulz, who penned 'Peanuts'. Now I understand his drawings a lot better - seeing where they come from in his psyche.

Posted by: kenju at January 03, 2009 12:54 PM (shDit)

12 Fantastic post - I can relate very much to this sometimes. So well written that the hug coming out of the blue took me as much by surprise as it must have done you in person. What a strange sense of relief and vulnerability. I personally think a hug from a stranger in this context would feel entirely different from a hug from Angus would have at that moment and neither is diminished. The emotional reaction is so vastly different due to the lack of passion or emotional memory that I would find myself feeling more vulnerable and cleansed than after a "conciliatory" hug after dark talks and stressful times. Just my opinion on my own emotional reaction so I'm projecting here. The description of the people at the party and their departure from their usual staid behavior cracked me up. From "mistletoe" to "that damn plant" made me laugh out loud. Also, I find Peanuts more poignant than funny. I developed my attraction for them after having read a segment of his autobiography and rationalization for his characters in the front of a collection of comic strips released in a large paperback. PS: (your pr0n filter doesn't like my url - maybe flickr is offensive?

Posted by: Lisa at January 03, 2009 04:31 PM (YEsan)

13 i get it completely. i'm so glad you got that hug at that moment in your life. and thank you for this eloquent post about an event in your life which i probably would have kept to myself and cherished...but that honesty and openness is what makes me love reading this blog. Cheers!

Posted by: Liz at January 03, 2009 07:41 PM (Fy/KW)

14 Bless that man. Because we all need a hug, and sometimes we definitely need it from someone who does not need us, or want us, or look up to us, or rely on us. Sometimes we just need to be humans, and not partners and parents and relatives.

Posted by: May at January 03, 2009 07:46 PM (3jesX)

15 Wow. That was an incredible post. Very well written! And DAMN, I could use a hug now and then.

Posted by: vodkamom at January 03, 2009 09:39 PM (E9ofq)

16 So frikkin' true. When my husband and I were dating, I aksed him what he was most afraid of. He said he was afraid of growing old alone. I told him I was most afraid of what Ben Folds wrote in his song Brick, "Now that I've found someone, I'm feeling more alone then I ever have before." And this still hits home. Very well written. Thanks for sharing.

Posted by: kellyangelo at January 03, 2009 10:44 PM (k5AWF)

17 You wrote just what I needed to read today. I have been feeling very much the same way lately and it is so comforting to know that a stranger could identify your feelings and give you what you needed, right on the spot. Like another commenter said, when everyone needs you for something, and you feel like you can't get it right for anybody, it is the lonliest feeling in the world. More hugs to you.

Posted by: Jeannine at January 04, 2009 04:21 AM (zfPGY)

18 Sometimes it's a hug. Sometimes just simply a smile. Thanks for this lovely reminder about finding connections in the most unlikely of places.

Posted by: The Steadfast Warrior at January 04, 2009 07:05 AM (Cdwkn)

19 Of all your insigthful posts this one is at the top of the pile. Not only do you reveal a monumental truth (being with others in no way protects or immunizes from loniness) but you took me thru a wonderful exciting emotional ride to arrive. Thank you

Posted by: Charles at January 04, 2009 06:32 PM (Dk5Ts)

20 You are fabulous - truly. I love reading your stuff... btw... The busier my life gets, the more lonely I feel.......... I can identify with that 100%

Posted by: Wenchy at January 05, 2009 08:54 AM (Plcrg)

21 Damn, that's awesome. I hope that man continues his good works because sometimes, everybody needs a hug.

Posted by: B. Durbin at January 07, 2009 01:24 AM (PlHif)

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I know I've been quiet the past few weeks, and I know I said I'd be back this week and that I have lots to post about.

The lots to post about part is still true, but I'm not coming back this week.

The truth is, I need a break. Not one of those dramatic hand-wringing, blogger-threatening-to-jump-off-a-literary-cliff break (no, I'm not talking about anyone I know), but a break. A good, old-fashioned pause. I am completely and utterly exhausted. I've been sick for 10 days now, and it's just not going away. We're talking "on the verge of passing out while standing but gee there's a fucking lot to do and no one else to do it" kind of sick. I am not in control of my emotions and booking myself a haircut, a massage, and a trip to the shrinky-dink to see what other pills I can go on tomorrow, all in that order. We've been through a number of big arguments and I wouldn't put it past us to have a few more before the week's out. The nursery is closed all week, my work is piling up, and I am covered in bumps, bruises and aches from trying to keep the house going over the holidays.

For those who said they wondered how I do it all - twins, work, writing, home renovations - the truth then is out - I can't. I've hit my wall.

So no 2008 re-cap which, let's be real, if you've been reading here regularly you know how my year has been. No witticisms, no angsty posts this week. Not just now. I'm going on a break. Not a long one, I'll be back shortly. I'm just completely out of energy in every possible sense of the word and I'd prefer to walk into 2009 instead of crawl, snot pouring out of my nose and my shirt buttoned wrong.

See you shortly.

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